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Torn Police Department has issued a statement today advising members of the public to steer clear of newspaper listings offering short-term work for cash, after a recent spate of bizarre incidents involving one of the city's most notorious loan sharks.
Duke, AKA Shirley Calabrese, has been accused of indirect involvement in a number of unorthodox crimes over the past few months, and has been known to advertise roles to ordinary citizens in a bid to keep his own famously tiny hands clean.
These jobs typically involve a significant amount of violence or the sending of threatening correspondence, and Torn PD's Chief of Police Ronald Kravitz has urged anyone looking for employment to think carefully before responding to Duke's often misleading job listings:
"One guy responded to an ad for a Waste Disposal Management Assistant. The poor schmuck ended up flushing some guy's chopped up corpse down the toilet, limb by limb. He says he was forced, but since he can't prove it the guy's now serving a 45 year stretch. Worst part is Duke paid him in Monopoly money. Actually...come to think of it, that's probably not the worst part."
With many of Duke's former associates now serving time it appears Calabrese is looking for further help to boost his presence in the city, in what seems to be a desperate move from the increasingly erratic underground figurehead. Duke has been charged with a litany of grotesque offences over recent weeks, including:
o Attempting to deceive jail officials whilst dressed as an elderly woman.
o Threatening police officers with an item of "sexual apparatus".
o The trafficking and consumption of a protected species.
o Breach of the peace in a hardware store, a patisserie, and a liposuction clinic.
o Intoxication and public nudity whilst under the influence of feline medication.
o Incineration of a canine corpse within the boundaries of a children's play area.
With huge rewards on offer, the prospect of quick cash could seem particularly tempting for some of Torn's 300,000 unemployed citizens. However, as the gruesome example given by Chief Kravitz illustrates, the consequences are likely to far outweigh the rewards.
(Editor's Note: Shirley Calabrese, A.K.A. Duke, has requested a withdrawal of the implication that his first name, Shirley, is in any way accurate, and that to suggest so is slanderous. Torn City Times refutes this notion, and would like to further state for the record that his full name is in fact Shirley Prima Dante Calabrese.)
Duke, AKA Shirley Calabrese, has been accused of indirect involvement in a number of unorthodox crimes over the past few months, and has been known to advertise roles to ordinary citizens in a bid to keep his own famously tiny hands clean.
These jobs typically involve a significant amount of violence or the sending of threatening correspondence, and Torn PD's Chief of Police Ronald Kravitz has urged anyone looking for employment to think carefully before responding to Duke's often misleading job listings:
"One guy responded to an ad for a Waste Disposal Management Assistant. The poor schmuck ended up flushing some guy's chopped up corpse down the toilet, limb by limb. He says he was forced, but since he can't prove it the guy's now serving a 45 year stretch. Worst part is Duke paid him in Monopoly money. Actually...come to think of it, that's probably not the worst part."
With many of Duke's former associates now serving time it appears Calabrese is looking for further help to boost his presence in the city, in what seems to be a desperate move from the increasingly erratic underground figurehead. Duke has been charged with a litany of grotesque offences over recent weeks, including:
o Attempting to deceive jail officials whilst dressed as an elderly woman.
o Threatening police officers with an item of "sexual apparatus".
o The trafficking and consumption of a protected species.
o Breach of the peace in a hardware store, a patisserie, and a liposuction clinic.
o Intoxication and public nudity whilst under the influence of feline medication.
o Incineration of a canine corpse within the boundaries of a children's play area.
With huge rewards on offer, the prospect of quick cash could seem particularly tempting for some of Torn's 300,000 unemployed citizens. However, as the gruesome example given by Chief Kravitz illustrates, the consequences are likely to far outweigh the rewards.
(Editor's Note: Shirley Calabrese, A.K.A. Duke, has requested a withdrawal of the implication that his first name, Shirley, is in any way accurate, and that to suggest so is slanderous. Torn City Times refutes this notion, and would like to further state for the record that his full name is in fact Shirley Prima Dante Calabrese.)
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