sugarvalves [1963573] —
Original article
The 5th of July marks that wonderful time of year when the city's motley collection of harlots, hunks and everything in-between collectively discard their inhibitions in an effort to show off the goods. Clothing is shredded, makeup smeared, and their desirable attributes are artificially enhanced by careful sock placement - I am of course talking about the long-awaited return of the city's annual Mr and Ms Torn competition.
But before the population's most attention-impoverished set to work they would do well to heed the tales of the competition's former champions. In an effort to find out why so many are drawn to the event, what it takes to win such a coveted prize, and how the stench of victory attracts a swarm of unwanted admirers the Torn City Times spoke to several of last year's finalists about their experiences.
Captain Obvious - Mr Torn 1st Place 2015
TCT: "Captain, how has winning Mr Torn affected your life? Do strangers try to grope you in the street?"
CO: "Sadly no. But if anyone tried I'd probably let them. Being Mr Torn is a burden I'm prepared to carry. It's ever so hard living the sex symbol life; the endless parties, the red carpet receptions, but I entered the competition, so I'll just have to bear with it until the next Mr Torn comes along and has to do the same."
TCT: "How many poses did you take for your Mr Torn picture, and what helped seal the title?"
CO: "Thousands. Perfection is not easy to capture. I won possibly because I wore hardly any clothes and had a six pack. Chicks dig six packs."
TCT: "Has winning with that particular photograph resulted in an increased number of attacks on your groin?"
CO: "No, in fact I think it's been hit less. Is that because it's a small target? I dunno."
TCT: "You beat Bodybagger and Kickrocks to the title, but if push came to shove, who could eat the most hotdogs in 60 seconds?"
CO: "Probably me. I'm almost 19 stone and you don't get there with salad."
TCT: "Tell us one interesting fact about you which would surprise the people of Torn."
CO: "Alien Ant Farm was actually my support band when we toured the states in 1995."
TCT:"Will you be entering this year? And if so, what advice would you give to others?"
CO: "Maybe, I'll keep my clothes on this year. For Ms Torn, probably the minimal amount of clothes. For Mr Torn, the help of Anonymous."
Tat2dbeauty - Women's 3rd Place 2015
TCT: "Inevitably winning such an award means an increased amount of attention from creeps. What's the weirdest message you've received so far?"
T2B: "I get a lot of random spam telling me how hot I am and people ask for custom pics. The biggest weirdo was [name redacted]. Feel free to blacklist him, it pleases me."
TCT: "Obviously the part of your picture which got everyone's pulses racing was the outstanding use of a patterned throw in the background. I know a lot of guys go crazy for that kind of thing, but there's some debate as to whether it was indeed a throw or more of a bedspread. Can you put everyone's minds at rest and answer this once and for all?"
T2B: "It was a bedspread."
TCT: "You came 3rd in Ms Torn despite the unfortunate misplacement of your clothes, how embarrassing! But you seemed to remedy the situation with a quite ingenious use of tape. Do you regularly replace your clothing with craft items? Have you ever made a silly-string g-string for example?"
T2B: "I have been called the Macgyver of the fashion industry. You literally have to have 'skin' in this game. The more the better. Girls, if you're not willing to look like a slut there's no chance you will win. Guys, Humor and creativity will take you far."
TCT: "It is interesting that only one of the winning male entrants was showing any skin. What percentage of nakedness do you think this year's men need to possess in order to win?"
T2B: "100% full frontal".
Kicks - Mr Torn 3rd Place 2015
K: "I haven't really noticed any difference after my new found fame. I haven't been groped lately but am always a willing gropee for anyone interested. I was 3rd, so I just get the scraps".
TCT: "What was it about your picture that helped you into 3rd place?"
K: "I thought it was somewhat creative. I figured if I was going to do it I may as well try to put a little effort into it. The shock factor gets the big votes from people. The closer you can get to the line without crossing it is going to yield more votes."
TCT: "Out of yourself, Bodybagger and Captain Obvious who could make the most women feint in 60 seconds using only your pelvis?"
K: "I think CO is probably the best thruster of the bunch, but I honestly haven't (and won't) put too much thought into it."
TCT: "There seems to be a cat over your right shoulder. Do they resent not sharing the title with you?".
K: "That's my helper, Lannister or Lanny. He's the true champ and he knows it."
TCT: "Tell us one interesting fact about yourself."
K: "I like turtles."
Helzwar007 - Ms Torn 2nd Place 2015
TCT: "How has this award changed your life?"
HW: "I've had so many good things come from winning, including several thousand points that have come in handy over the last year! One of the best things was a long-lasting friendship with the leader of my newly joined faction. Can't complain about that! The weirdest message I received afterwards implied a sexual attraction to dead women. It was pretty awkward."
TCT: "How long did your image take to prepare?"
HW: "2 hours of physical preparation and days of mental preparation! No graphics were used. I actually used a black light and fluorescent contacts along with latex/tissue base with petroleum jelly (for texture) and or course color and the very necessary... blood. It happens to be the blood of my ex-husband, Matsu... Well let me leave his full name unpublished. Lets just say we had some bumps in the past, but no worries, we have since made amends and all wounds have healed...literally."
TCT: "You won alongside KillerAkira and Tat2dbeauty, but if you three were forced to murder a puppy to survive who would enjoy it the most?"
HW: "I would like to think that none of us would enjoy murdering a puppy. I mean what the heck! Puppies are the cutest animals in the world next to a baby lemur. I suppose I would end up dead because I would probably try to take the puppy or save it somehow depending on the circumstance. I can't watch someone murder a puppy and then just go on living my life like normal. Who could?"
TCT: "Tell us one interesting fact about you which would surprise, sicken or amuse the people of Torn."
HW: "I once gained leadership of a predominate faction and got so angry about the previous leader leaving that I just gave the faction to some n00bs. This was a faction that had been well-established and worked on for YEARS! Now that faction is gone. Some say because of me. I tend to think it was a joint effort. Either way it was a sickening loss. No good faction deserves to die with so little dignity. RIP FMB."
TCT: "What advice would you give to this year's entrants?"
HW: "Find a way to hold yourself to a higher standard than just giving in to the expectation that you MUST be revealing to win. I honestly regretted having to show some cleavage in my previous entry because the winning features were my creativity. Find a way to shock them. It doesn't have to be with cleavage and legs to be a winner. Shock value wins. This year I will focus on 0% sexual appeal and 100% shock value."
So despite disagreeing on the amount of skin one needs to bare in order to win Mr or Ms Torn, it seems last year's finalists are in agreement that the shock factor is essential. It remains to be seen whether contestants of this year's contest will take filth and depravity to new levels, or if ingenuity and art will triumph over the lure of naked flesh. One thing seems certain though, that Mr & Ms Torn 2016 is going to be rather interesting indeed...especially with so many dead celebrities to inspire this year's efforts.
But before the population's most attention-impoverished set to work they would do well to heed the tales of the competition's former champions. In an effort to find out why so many are drawn to the event, what it takes to win such a coveted prize, and how the stench of victory attracts a swarm of unwanted admirers the Torn City Times spoke to several of last year's finalists about their experiences.
Captain Obvious - Mr Torn 1st Place 2015
TCT: "Captain, how has winning Mr Torn affected your life? Do strangers try to grope you in the street?"
CO: "Sadly no. But if anyone tried I'd probably let them. Being Mr Torn is a burden I'm prepared to carry. It's ever so hard living the sex symbol life; the endless parties, the red carpet receptions, but I entered the competition, so I'll just have to bear with it until the next Mr Torn comes along and has to do the same."
TCT: "How many poses did you take for your Mr Torn picture, and what helped seal the title?"
CO: "Thousands. Perfection is not easy to capture. I won possibly because I wore hardly any clothes and had a six pack. Chicks dig six packs."
TCT: "Has winning with that particular photograph resulted in an increased number of attacks on your groin?"
CO: "No, in fact I think it's been hit less. Is that because it's a small target? I dunno."
TCT: "You beat Bodybagger and Kickrocks to the title, but if push came to shove, who could eat the most hotdogs in 60 seconds?"
CO: "Probably me. I'm almost 19 stone and you don't get there with salad."
TCT: "Tell us one interesting fact about you which would surprise the people of Torn."
CO: "Alien Ant Farm was actually my support band when we toured the states in 1995."
TCT:"Will you be entering this year? And if so, what advice would you give to others?"
CO: "Maybe, I'll keep my clothes on this year. For Ms Torn, probably the minimal amount of clothes. For Mr Torn, the help of Anonymous."
Tat2dbeauty - Women's 3rd Place 2015
TCT: "Inevitably winning such an award means an increased amount of attention from creeps. What's the weirdest message you've received so far?"
T2B: "I get a lot of random spam telling me how hot I am and people ask for custom pics. The biggest weirdo was [name redacted]. Feel free to blacklist him, it pleases me."
TCT: "Obviously the part of your picture which got everyone's pulses racing was the outstanding use of a patterned throw in the background. I know a lot of guys go crazy for that kind of thing, but there's some debate as to whether it was indeed a throw or more of a bedspread. Can you put everyone's minds at rest and answer this once and for all?"
T2B: "It was a bedspread."
TCT: "You came 3rd in Ms Torn despite the unfortunate misplacement of your clothes, how embarrassing! But you seemed to remedy the situation with a quite ingenious use of tape. Do you regularly replace your clothing with craft items? Have you ever made a silly-string g-string for example?"
T2B: "I have been called the Macgyver of the fashion industry. You literally have to have 'skin' in this game. The more the better. Girls, if you're not willing to look like a slut there's no chance you will win. Guys, Humor and creativity will take you far."
TCT: "It is interesting that only one of the winning male entrants was showing any skin. What percentage of nakedness do you think this year's men need to possess in order to win?"
T2B: "100% full frontal".
Kicks - Mr Torn 3rd Place 2015
K: "I haven't really noticed any difference after my new found fame. I haven't been groped lately but am always a willing gropee for anyone interested. I was 3rd, so I just get the scraps".
TCT: "What was it about your picture that helped you into 3rd place?"
K: "I thought it was somewhat creative. I figured if I was going to do it I may as well try to put a little effort into it. The shock factor gets the big votes from people. The closer you can get to the line without crossing it is going to yield more votes."
TCT: "Out of yourself, Bodybagger and Captain Obvious who could make the most women feint in 60 seconds using only your pelvis?"
K: "I think CO is probably the best thruster of the bunch, but I honestly haven't (and won't) put too much thought into it."
TCT: "There seems to be a cat over your right shoulder. Do they resent not sharing the title with you?".
K: "That's my helper, Lannister or Lanny. He's the true champ and he knows it."
TCT: "Tell us one interesting fact about yourself."
K: "I like turtles."
Helzwar007 - Ms Torn 2nd Place 2015
TCT: "How has this award changed your life?"
HW: "I've had so many good things come from winning, including several thousand points that have come in handy over the last year! One of the best things was a long-lasting friendship with the leader of my newly joined faction. Can't complain about that! The weirdest message I received afterwards implied a sexual attraction to dead women. It was pretty awkward."
TCT: "How long did your image take to prepare?"
HW: "2 hours of physical preparation and days of mental preparation! No graphics were used. I actually used a black light and fluorescent contacts along with latex/tissue base with petroleum jelly (for texture) and or course color and the very necessary... blood. It happens to be the blood of my ex-husband, Matsu... Well let me leave his full name unpublished. Lets just say we had some bumps in the past, but no worries, we have since made amends and all wounds have healed...literally."
TCT: "You won alongside KillerAkira and Tat2dbeauty, but if you three were forced to murder a puppy to survive who would enjoy it the most?"
HW: "I would like to think that none of us would enjoy murdering a puppy. I mean what the heck! Puppies are the cutest animals in the world next to a baby lemur. I suppose I would end up dead because I would probably try to take the puppy or save it somehow depending on the circumstance. I can't watch someone murder a puppy and then just go on living my life like normal. Who could?"
TCT: "Tell us one interesting fact about you which would surprise, sicken or amuse the people of Torn."
HW: "I once gained leadership of a predominate faction and got so angry about the previous leader leaving that I just gave the faction to some n00bs. This was a faction that had been well-established and worked on for YEARS! Now that faction is gone. Some say because of me. I tend to think it was a joint effort. Either way it was a sickening loss. No good faction deserves to die with so little dignity. RIP FMB."
TCT: "What advice would you give to this year's entrants?"
HW: "Find a way to hold yourself to a higher standard than just giving in to the expectation that you MUST be revealing to win. I honestly regretted having to show some cleavage in my previous entry because the winning features were my creativity. Find a way to shock them. It doesn't have to be with cleavage and legs to be a winner. Shock value wins. This year I will focus on 0% sexual appeal and 100% shock value."
So despite disagreeing on the amount of skin one needs to bare in order to win Mr or Ms Torn, it seems last year's finalists are in agreement that the shock factor is essential. It remains to be seen whether contestants of this year's contest will take filth and depravity to new levels, or if ingenuity and art will triumph over the lure of naked flesh. One thing seems certain though, that Mr & Ms Torn 2016 is going to be rather interesting indeed...especially with so many dead celebrities to inspire this year's efforts.
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