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The citizens of Torn have long wondered whether their efforts in seeking the Lord's favour result in any form of tangible reward, or if the entire operation is merely a time sink, designed to entice some of our guiltier god-fearing individuals.
Thus far nobody has been able to prove conclusively either way, yet we've all heard the rumours - prayers reduce jail time, obtaining the Forgiveness honour lowers the likelihood of incarceration, and that good fortune is bestowed upon those who make significant donations to the Church. Others maintain that such actions bear as much fruit as the average Scotsman - zilch, nada, nothing, and the findings of Perplex's 2014 investigation into the benefits of religious activity, whilst extremely thorough and interesting, was ultimately deemed inconclusive by the community.
However, the recent discovery of a shipment of Church-approved merchandise has once more thrown the efficacy of worship back into the spotlight. On August 24th Torn citizen Tempest revealed a forthcoming Enhancer item named the Rosary Beads, and their accompanying description reads as follows:
This seems to indicate that prayers do indeed bring some form of reward, but what form this advantage comes in is not yet known. What we do know is that since records began, a significant number of people have continued to pray on a daily basis, regardless of any perceived or imaginary bonuses.
For a small fee I was able to obtain Torn Church's hidden archives, and according to their records a total of 391,068 individual requests have been made by our citizens to the Almighty. Most of these prayers come from a small set of devoted worshippers, with 6,697 citizens praying more than 10 times, 582 people performing the act at least 100 times, and two individuals kneeling before our heavenly father on over 1,000 occasions. Sore knees indeed.
For a medium-sized fee this reporter can exclusively reveal that Torn's most pious individual is The_Gunners2004, with his astonishing 2,206 prayer sessions perhaps understandable, given his sporting allegiance:
"So far I think it helped me find items and feel better after doing crimes...Ever since Torn introduced praying, I guess I have been praying non-stop everyday."
"There are still unanswered prayers I am still waiting like: winning private island on casino spin, winning lotteries. I always feel nice when my sins are all forgiven after crimes that I did."
"Normally, I would try my very best not to be involved in crimes that will kill people. Anyway, arson, gta and hacking should be quite fair and harmless to society. Even though I did a lot of kidnapping also, (errrr) but at least I didn't kill any of them."
"It's a surprise when you told me I prayed more than anyone else. Seems like only few people did pray nowadays. At least, somebody like you noticed how hard I prayed these few months/years maybe."
With The_Gunners2004 and many others attempting to cleanse themselves of sin with alarming regularity, one must ask a rather difficult question - is forgiveness even possible in a place like Torn? Elsewhere people pray to absolve themselves of lust, rage, adultery or jealousy; whereas here the Lord is asked to overlook cruel beatings and mass murder on a daily basis. Unless some form of ecclesiastical exchange rate is in place, the people of Torn must surely owe penance a hundred times over compared to those of the outside world.
However, aside from these spiritual questions there is also a practical consideration to be made regarding the Torn Church - how much money do they receive, and where does it go? The Church's current head, Father Hiram Williams, is known for his morally questionable links to various political and criminal organisations throughout the city. As a one-time benefactor of disgraced scientist Amanda Ravenscroft, it seems the money so eagerly pumped into the city's sole religious organisation occasionally finds its way into the hands of the dirty and disreputable.
Not that this should surprise those who have met Father Williams in person. For yes, he may be one of the world's most open and liberal religious leaders, welcoming worshippers of all faiths into his congregation, but the vicious barbs dealt out to those whose donations do not meet his expectations are hardly befitting a man of the cloth.
Father Williams is also known to keep a running total of individual citizens' accrued contributions, and for quite a considerable fee I was able to acquire further information on exactly how much money has been pumped into the Church of Torn.
I can reveal that there are three citizens still active today who have each donated more than $500,000,000 to Father Williams' organisation, with BladeMontane the Church's largest benefactor, thanks to a lifetime total of $620,558,453 in holy gratuities. Considering this grotesque figure, it is pertinent for us to ask exactly what benefits such altruism affords BladeMontane, what level of power does his generosity bring, what sins is he attempting to erase?
BladeMontane failed to respond to my inquiries, however another member of the $500million club, WangCopter, had this to say on the matter:
"I Never Realized That I Was One Of The Biggest Donators To The Church Honestly. I Was Mainly Doing It Because I Was Interested In If It Did Anything Out Of The Ordinary Which It Hasnt Yet That I Know Of. And Maybe I Should Pray Extra Hard Because Of My Name Haha."
Collectively Torn has pumped $30,154,326,698 into the Church, a fee which could purchase you sixty private islands, twenty-two sets of dual samurai swords, 6,166 pairs of thongs, or 188,464 individual bounties upon this reporter's head - whichever you so desire. But in all seriousness, one has to ask what effect en masse charitable giving has on Torn City's economy, how does this alter its power structure, and what are the positive and negative effects of such a well-funded Church for everyday ordinary people?
At least when one splurges in the casino they are relatively honest about your chances of getting something back, but the Church's lack of transparency means that in this case, regardless of how much you donate, the house of God always wins.
Thus far nobody has been able to prove conclusively either way, yet we've all heard the rumours - prayers reduce jail time, obtaining the Forgiveness honour lowers the likelihood of incarceration, and that good fortune is bestowed upon those who make significant donations to the Church. Others maintain that such actions bear as much fruit as the average Scotsman - zilch, nada, nothing, and the findings of Perplex's 2014 investigation into the benefits of religious activity, whilst extremely thorough and interesting, was ultimately deemed inconclusive by the community.
However, the recent discovery of a shipment of Church-approved merchandise has once more thrown the efficacy of worship back into the spotlight. On August 24th Torn citizen Tempest revealed a forthcoming Enhancer item named the Rosary Beads, and their accompanying description reads as follows:
This seems to indicate that prayers do indeed bring some form of reward, but what form this advantage comes in is not yet known. What we do know is that since records began, a significant number of people have continued to pray on a daily basis, regardless of any perceived or imaginary bonuses.
For a small fee I was able to obtain Torn Church's hidden archives, and according to their records a total of 391,068 individual requests have been made by our citizens to the Almighty. Most of these prayers come from a small set of devoted worshippers, with 6,697 citizens praying more than 10 times, 582 people performing the act at least 100 times, and two individuals kneeling before our heavenly father on over 1,000 occasions. Sore knees indeed.
For a medium-sized fee this reporter can exclusively reveal that Torn's most pious individual is The_Gunners2004, with his astonishing 2,206 prayer sessions perhaps understandable, given his sporting allegiance:
"So far I think it helped me find items and feel better after doing crimes...Ever since Torn introduced praying, I guess I have been praying non-stop everyday."
"There are still unanswered prayers I am still waiting like: winning private island on casino spin, winning lotteries. I always feel nice when my sins are all forgiven after crimes that I did."
"Normally, I would try my very best not to be involved in crimes that will kill people. Anyway, arson, gta and hacking should be quite fair and harmless to society. Even though I did a lot of kidnapping also, (errrr) but at least I didn't kill any of them."
"It's a surprise when you told me I prayed more than anyone else. Seems like only few people did pray nowadays. At least, somebody like you noticed how hard I prayed these few months/years maybe."
With The_Gunners2004 and many others attempting to cleanse themselves of sin with alarming regularity, one must ask a rather difficult question - is forgiveness even possible in a place like Torn? Elsewhere people pray to absolve themselves of lust, rage, adultery or jealousy; whereas here the Lord is asked to overlook cruel beatings and mass murder on a daily basis. Unless some form of ecclesiastical exchange rate is in place, the people of Torn must surely owe penance a hundred times over compared to those of the outside world.
However, aside from these spiritual questions there is also a practical consideration to be made regarding the Torn Church - how much money do they receive, and where does it go? The Church's current head, Father Hiram Williams, is known for his morally questionable links to various political and criminal organisations throughout the city. As a one-time benefactor of disgraced scientist Amanda Ravenscroft, it seems the money so eagerly pumped into the city's sole religious organisation occasionally finds its way into the hands of the dirty and disreputable.
Not that this should surprise those who have met Father Williams in person. For yes, he may be one of the world's most open and liberal religious leaders, welcoming worshippers of all faiths into his congregation, but the vicious barbs dealt out to those whose donations do not meet his expectations are hardly befitting a man of the cloth.
Father Williams is also known to keep a running total of individual citizens' accrued contributions, and for quite a considerable fee I was able to acquire further information on exactly how much money has been pumped into the Church of Torn.
I can reveal that there are three citizens still active today who have each donated more than $500,000,000 to Father Williams' organisation, with BladeMontane the Church's largest benefactor, thanks to a lifetime total of $620,558,453 in holy gratuities. Considering this grotesque figure, it is pertinent for us to ask exactly what benefits such altruism affords BladeMontane, what level of power does his generosity bring, what sins is he attempting to erase?
BladeMontane failed to respond to my inquiries, however another member of the $500million club, WangCopter, had this to say on the matter:
"I Never Realized That I Was One Of The Biggest Donators To The Church Honestly. I Was Mainly Doing It Because I Was Interested In If It Did Anything Out Of The Ordinary Which It Hasnt Yet That I Know Of. And Maybe I Should Pray Extra Hard Because Of My Name Haha."
Collectively Torn has pumped $30,154,326,698 into the Church, a fee which could purchase you sixty private islands, twenty-two sets of dual samurai swords, 6,166 pairs of thongs, or 188,464 individual bounties upon this reporter's head - whichever you so desire. But in all seriousness, one has to ask what effect en masse charitable giving has on Torn City's economy, how does this alter its power structure, and what are the positive and negative effects of such a well-funded Church for everyday ordinary people?
At least when one splurges in the casino they are relatively honest about your chances of getting something back, but the Church's lack of transparency means that in this case, regardless of how much you donate, the house of God always wins.
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