sugarvalves [1963573] —
Original article
Torn's Municipal dump isn't the most exciting place, and it's doubtful most citizens ever give second thought to the items casually discarded here. Tissues, bouquets, jewellery; only a small number of these abandoned trinkets end up scavenged by the city's poor, as of the 80 million possessions trashed a mere 17 million have ever been recovered.
This discrepancy of more than 60 million items lain waste cannot continue. Our recycling efforts are frankly non-existent, and I realised that as the city's most well-respected reporter I had the power to affect meaningful and lasting change. Thanks to the world-class facilities available at Torn P.D. anyone with the desire to do so can easily trace an item's former owner and reunite them with their property. So last week, that is precisely what I did.
One hot summer afternoon I spent four hours wading through the rancid pastures of the city dump, my lungs choked with the acrid stink of decay, with the aim of reuniting a series of lost objects with their hopefully grateful former owners. And as you shall see from the correspondence I entered into, my state of mind was far from rational.
A bunch of flowers dropped by Toraz
Hi. I noticed you left a lovely bunch of flowers at the dump and thought you might want them back. Unfortunately I already had 28 bunches myself and couldn't figure out which one was yours, so I've sent you them all. Please use these to brighten someone's day, or perhaps to decorate a neglected grave. You are welcome.
An empty box dropped by Korokoro
Hi there. I found your empty box at the dump and thought you'd like it back, along with 12 others I had just lying around. Empty boxes can be used for many different things. You can use it as a hat. Pretend it is a play-fort for mice. Or you can simply fill it with excrement and have it couriered to your unfaithful ex-wife. The sky's the limit.
A box of tissues dropped by Silom
There are 2,497,412 boxes of tissue in circulation, but these are yours and yours alone. I retrieved them from the dump, and now you must hold them, use them, and never forget them. Tissues can be used to wipe away tears, dab furiously at an embarrassing stain, or to plump up a pathetic looking groinal bulge. Do what you will, but please do not waste good tissues. Thank you.
A tank top abandoned by Athelion
Hello Athelion. I found your tank top at the dump and even though it had brown marks on it I thought you'd like it back. I bet you'd look really handsome in it. Maybe you can wear it sometime and we can hang out like two ordinary cool guys just friends nothing weird. Also I had three tank tops in my house and I want you to have them because when I wear them I look like boiled cabbage.
At this point, having waded through soiled diapers and a collection of stained magazines, I severely began to question my life's choices. Until, that is, I received a most welcome message of gratitude.
A hammer dropped by t4r4ntul4
I saw this hammer three times while searching the dump, each time passing it over for a more exquisite item. Yet upon the fourth occasion I simply could not resist. I had to collect it and return it to you. You will achieve great things with this hammer. Go forth and hammer something wonderful you sparkling angel.
I was suddenly awash with joy, not to mention the contents of a spoiled carton of milk which burst in my face unceremoniously, ruining this brief moment of glee. But as I wiped the curdled dairy from my eyes, I realised my task today was not to remind Torn's citizens of their wastefulness, but to offer a small ray of sunshine in their otherwise miserable lives. So onward I went, with my renewed vigour enhanced even further by the rewards sent in my direction.
A box of strong mints left by cl3ric0l
You left these mints at the dump and I didn't know if it was an accident or on purpose because they are really great mints and my son and I had a great time playing as mint monsters with mints for eyes and we used your mints and we got tears on them from laughing so hard and my eyes sting because they're full of mints but you should just wash them and eat them kind regards.
Soap on a rope dumped by Stumm
Hello Stumm you left this soap on a rope at the dump and I thought you'd like it back. I see that you are new here and it can be hard to make friends so sometimes i make friends by giving people their things back just in case they have any regrets do you have any regrets I wish I hadn't lost my son at the funfair. Enjoy your soap. See you lather! (later...i won't watch you wash)
A box of tissues thrown away by Attempttomurder
Good evening. I see you've left some tissues at the dump. These can be mined for DNA which in turn could be used to implicate you in a crime. Luckily for you I only used one to dab my brow on a particularly warm day, but next time you might not be as lucky. Here are your tissues, keep them secret, keep them safe.
A bag of chocolate kisses tossed by Anthonya2003
Hi Anthony. You left these chocolate kisses at the dump and it must be an accident because who would do that they are delicious i ate one but I made a homemade one to replace it I hope you don't mind. They are all a bit wet from the rain but if I were you I would eat them quick otherwise I will eat them omg I am such a greedy guts.
A hammer ditched by Paige
Hi Paige. You left this hammer at the dump and i thought you'd like it back. sometimes I dream about my lost hammers and then I remember i haven't lost them physically just emotionally. I also think it's wrong to throw hammers away as they do so much for us in our daily lives we should respect them more. Perhaps today is the day you finally turn the Paige in the book of your life and stop throwing hammers away goodnight godbless.
A pair of trainers slung by garibaldi13
Dear Garibaldi13. I found these trainers of yours in the dump and thought you might want them back. When i found them I looked inside as i thought it had some kind of pudding in but really it was full of spider eggs and now i have spider eggs in my eye so i hope you appreciate the effort i went to to get these for you. I am no hero, not after what I've done, but i am a very nice boy.
Further response was not forthcoming from those reacquainted with their belongings, but at this point I felt reward to be unnecessary. I had already connected with several Torn citizens over nothing but trash, with bonds formed that hopefully will last forever. Plus I had a lot of neat stuff sent my way, so there's that too.
I have provided the remaining items and their accompanying correspondence for your reading pleasure, with the sincere hope that others shall follow in my stead, transforming our once ignominious dump into a playground of hope and wonder.
A soap on a rope trashed by bosscrim
Hi Bosscrim. Sometimes even big boss criminals need a gentle reminder of their personal hygiene. This soap on a rope you left at the dump will help keep you clean and fresh all over. But please don't use it in your special area as that can upset its delicate pH balance. Use specially medicated soaps down there instead. Many thanks, your new best friend.
A box of tissues dropped by MMK
It is okay for men to cry too you know. We are supposed to be tough all of the time but that doesn't mean you can't expose yourself (emotionally) to a friend or loved one. These are your tissues which I found at the dump. If you need them, use them. Don't be scared anymore my flower.
A pair of trainers dropped by Jewelintholotus
Hi jewelintholotus first of all you should never put jewels in your precious lotus, they can get lost and make it sore. Also i found your trainers at the dump and thought you'd like them back. Sometimes people sniff other people's trainers and I only took a quick smell but other people might take really long smells and you don't want that so for your safety here you may have them back. I do not need a reward your happiness and safety is reward enough.
A personal computer left by JedA
Hi JedA here is your personal computer back where it belongs in your home. I found it at the dump and I cleaned it up especially for you, but there were some things on it that I couldn't clean and they were inside the computer. I think you know what I mean.
African violets discarded by iamnothing
Hello iamnothing. Your name suggests a deep sense of self-loathing, so I thought I'd brighten your day by returning your African Violets that were left at the dump. They need specific conditions in which to thrive, and whilst the dump's plethora of soiled mattresses does provide moisture it is hardly an ideal environment for them to flourish.
A bunch of flowers wasted by Vixen
If diamonds are a girl's best friend then flowers are her other friend who isn't as nice or pretty. This bunch you left at the dump had mayonnaise on them but I have now cleaned them right up and you can have them back because I am a very nice man.
A gold watch unwanted by hunedtrenn
Hello friend. I found a gold watch at the dump belonging to you. It was inside a nest of rats and they bit me quite badly but I managed to kill the mother and her babies and retrieve your watch and anyway when I took it home I forgot which was yours and which was mine so here have both I don't even need to know the time anymore because my life is one big endless void full of dead rats.
A box of tissues left by musang
Tissues have so many uses why would you leave these at the dump? You can eat them to feel full, wipe things, smear other things, ball them up and push them in your cheeks to make pretend you're a hamster. You're missing out on a world of fun here Musang. Keep these tissues as a reminder that life can be full of joy...if only you'll let yourself feel it.
A box of tissues left by TS_lord_of_war
Hello Mr Lord_of_War. I happened upon a bunch of flowers you left at the dump and thought you'd like them back. Even tough lords like you should be able to appreciate floral decorations now and then, it demonstrates your sensitive side. Have you ever heard of the war of the roses? In England like a hundred years ago two families fought over which kind of flower was the best and I think red ones won. That's a cool fact isn't it? Keep these flowers as a tribute to the victims.
An mp3 player left by SHINE_mALICE
Oh my god why would you throw out an mp3 player full of AWESOME Shania Twain tracks? My favourite's Any Man of Mine even though everyone loves Man I Feel Like A Woman and That Don't Impress Me Much because you know what sometimes people's limited tastes don't impress me much either and there are other good songs by Shania I love Shania let's get together and listen to Shania Twain one day on a beach.
This discrepancy of more than 60 million items lain waste cannot continue. Our recycling efforts are frankly non-existent, and I realised that as the city's most well-respected reporter I had the power to affect meaningful and lasting change. Thanks to the world-class facilities available at Torn P.D. anyone with the desire to do so can easily trace an item's former owner and reunite them with their property. So last week, that is precisely what I did.
One hot summer afternoon I spent four hours wading through the rancid pastures of the city dump, my lungs choked with the acrid stink of decay, with the aim of reuniting a series of lost objects with their hopefully grateful former owners. And as you shall see from the correspondence I entered into, my state of mind was far from rational.
A bunch of flowers dropped by Toraz
Hi. I noticed you left a lovely bunch of flowers at the dump and thought you might want them back. Unfortunately I already had 28 bunches myself and couldn't figure out which one was yours, so I've sent you them all. Please use these to brighten someone's day, or perhaps to decorate a neglected grave. You are welcome.
An empty box dropped by Korokoro
Hi there. I found your empty box at the dump and thought you'd like it back, along with 12 others I had just lying around. Empty boxes can be used for many different things. You can use it as a hat. Pretend it is a play-fort for mice. Or you can simply fill it with excrement and have it couriered to your unfaithful ex-wife. The sky's the limit.
A box of tissues dropped by Silom
There are 2,497,412 boxes of tissue in circulation, but these are yours and yours alone. I retrieved them from the dump, and now you must hold them, use them, and never forget them. Tissues can be used to wipe away tears, dab furiously at an embarrassing stain, or to plump up a pathetic looking groinal bulge. Do what you will, but please do not waste good tissues. Thank you.
A tank top abandoned by Athelion
Hello Athelion. I found your tank top at the dump and even though it had brown marks on it I thought you'd like it back. I bet you'd look really handsome in it. Maybe you can wear it sometime and we can hang out like two ordinary cool guys just friends nothing weird. Also I had three tank tops in my house and I want you to have them because when I wear them I look like boiled cabbage.
At this point, having waded through soiled diapers and a collection of stained magazines, I severely began to question my life's choices. Until, that is, I received a most welcome message of gratitude.
A hammer dropped by t4r4ntul4
I saw this hammer three times while searching the dump, each time passing it over for a more exquisite item. Yet upon the fourth occasion I simply could not resist. I had to collect it and return it to you. You will achieve great things with this hammer. Go forth and hammer something wonderful you sparkling angel.
I was suddenly awash with joy, not to mention the contents of a spoiled carton of milk which burst in my face unceremoniously, ruining this brief moment of glee. But as I wiped the curdled dairy from my eyes, I realised my task today was not to remind Torn's citizens of their wastefulness, but to offer a small ray of sunshine in their otherwise miserable lives. So onward I went, with my renewed vigour enhanced even further by the rewards sent in my direction.
A box of strong mints left by cl3ric0l
You left these mints at the dump and I didn't know if it was an accident or on purpose because they are really great mints and my son and I had a great time playing as mint monsters with mints for eyes and we used your mints and we got tears on them from laughing so hard and my eyes sting because they're full of mints but you should just wash them and eat them kind regards.
Soap on a rope dumped by Stumm
Hello Stumm you left this soap on a rope at the dump and I thought you'd like it back. I see that you are new here and it can be hard to make friends so sometimes i make friends by giving people their things back just in case they have any regrets do you have any regrets I wish I hadn't lost my son at the funfair. Enjoy your soap. See you lather! (later...i won't watch you wash)
A box of tissues thrown away by Attempttomurder
Good evening. I see you've left some tissues at the dump. These can be mined for DNA which in turn could be used to implicate you in a crime. Luckily for you I only used one to dab my brow on a particularly warm day, but next time you might not be as lucky. Here are your tissues, keep them secret, keep them safe.
A bag of chocolate kisses tossed by Anthonya2003
Hi Anthony. You left these chocolate kisses at the dump and it must be an accident because who would do that they are delicious i ate one but I made a homemade one to replace it I hope you don't mind. They are all a bit wet from the rain but if I were you I would eat them quick otherwise I will eat them omg I am such a greedy guts.
A hammer ditched by Paige
Hi Paige. You left this hammer at the dump and i thought you'd like it back. sometimes I dream about my lost hammers and then I remember i haven't lost them physically just emotionally. I also think it's wrong to throw hammers away as they do so much for us in our daily lives we should respect them more. Perhaps today is the day you finally turn the Paige in the book of your life and stop throwing hammers away goodnight godbless.
A pair of trainers slung by garibaldi13
Dear Garibaldi13. I found these trainers of yours in the dump and thought you might want them back. When i found them I looked inside as i thought it had some kind of pudding in but really it was full of spider eggs and now i have spider eggs in my eye so i hope you appreciate the effort i went to to get these for you. I am no hero, not after what I've done, but i am a very nice boy.
Further response was not forthcoming from those reacquainted with their belongings, but at this point I felt reward to be unnecessary. I had already connected with several Torn citizens over nothing but trash, with bonds formed that hopefully will last forever. Plus I had a lot of neat stuff sent my way, so there's that too.
I have provided the remaining items and their accompanying correspondence for your reading pleasure, with the sincere hope that others shall follow in my stead, transforming our once ignominious dump into a playground of hope and wonder.
A soap on a rope trashed by bosscrim
Hi Bosscrim. Sometimes even big boss criminals need a gentle reminder of their personal hygiene. This soap on a rope you left at the dump will help keep you clean and fresh all over. But please don't use it in your special area as that can upset its delicate pH balance. Use specially medicated soaps down there instead. Many thanks, your new best friend.
A box of tissues dropped by MMK
It is okay for men to cry too you know. We are supposed to be tough all of the time but that doesn't mean you can't expose yourself (emotionally) to a friend or loved one. These are your tissues which I found at the dump. If you need them, use them. Don't be scared anymore my flower.
A pair of trainers dropped by Jewelintholotus
Hi jewelintholotus first of all you should never put jewels in your precious lotus, they can get lost and make it sore. Also i found your trainers at the dump and thought you'd like them back. Sometimes people sniff other people's trainers and I only took a quick smell but other people might take really long smells and you don't want that so for your safety here you may have them back. I do not need a reward your happiness and safety is reward enough.
A personal computer left by JedA
Hi JedA here is your personal computer back where it belongs in your home. I found it at the dump and I cleaned it up especially for you, but there were some things on it that I couldn't clean and they were inside the computer. I think you know what I mean.
African violets discarded by iamnothing
Hello iamnothing. Your name suggests a deep sense of self-loathing, so I thought I'd brighten your day by returning your African Violets that were left at the dump. They need specific conditions in which to thrive, and whilst the dump's plethora of soiled mattresses does provide moisture it is hardly an ideal environment for them to flourish.
A bunch of flowers wasted by Vixen
If diamonds are a girl's best friend then flowers are her other friend who isn't as nice or pretty. This bunch you left at the dump had mayonnaise on them but I have now cleaned them right up and you can have them back because I am a very nice man.
A gold watch unwanted by hunedtrenn
Hello friend. I found a gold watch at the dump belonging to you. It was inside a nest of rats and they bit me quite badly but I managed to kill the mother and her babies and retrieve your watch and anyway when I took it home I forgot which was yours and which was mine so here have both I don't even need to know the time anymore because my life is one big endless void full of dead rats.
A box of tissues left by musang
Tissues have so many uses why would you leave these at the dump? You can eat them to feel full, wipe things, smear other things, ball them up and push them in your cheeks to make pretend you're a hamster. You're missing out on a world of fun here Musang. Keep these tissues as a reminder that life can be full of joy...if only you'll let yourself feel it.
A box of tissues left by TS_lord_of_war
Hello Mr Lord_of_War. I happened upon a bunch of flowers you left at the dump and thought you'd like them back. Even tough lords like you should be able to appreciate floral decorations now and then, it demonstrates your sensitive side. Have you ever heard of the war of the roses? In England like a hundred years ago two families fought over which kind of flower was the best and I think red ones won. That's a cool fact isn't it? Keep these flowers as a tribute to the victims.
An mp3 player left by SHINE_mALICE
Oh my god why would you throw out an mp3 player full of AWESOME Shania Twain tracks? My favourite's Any Man of Mine even though everyone loves Man I Feel Like A Woman and That Don't Impress Me Much because you know what sometimes people's limited tastes don't impress me much either and there are other good songs by Shania I love Shania let's get together and listen to Shania Twain one day on a beach.
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