sugarvalves [1963573] —
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So the 2016 Elimination Competition is over, with Mountain Men emerging as winners after a conclusion which felt more anticlimactic than the ending to No Man's Sky combined with a sexless wedding night.
Yet for all the lack of drama during Elimination's final weekend, the days running up to it proved as enthralling as anything we've seen in Torn before. Mountain Men started the week with an impressive tally of 61.1 hits per person, and such heavy activity drew the attention of weaker teams intent on dragging these dirty hill-folk down into the gutter.
On Tuesday, with thirty minutes remaining until the elimination deadline, Mountain Men found themselves fighting for their lives alongside Knitting Circle, Original Gangsters and 'Murica. Mountain Men eventually hauled themselves out of the drop zone as 'Murica headed home early - presumably to pet their bald eagles and salute a home-made bust of Donald J Trump - but last-minute battles would become a frequent occurrence for the tournament's eventual victors.
Intriguingly, the Ninjas forum indicated that this was the first time Mountain Men had not made contact with our team, with our sides seemingly operating under a fragile alliance during previous rounds. Future battle lines were also drawn between ourselves and eventual finalists Knitting Circle, as the Ninjas came under repeated assault from yarn enthusiasts, vegetable proponents and those who enjoy Blaxploitation movies.
The next day saw Mountain Men take a breather from their struggles, restoring some pride as they streaked out of sight with the Ninjas. A post from Mountain Men leader Spadeioneer indicated the Original Gangsters were allied with his side, so it was a boon for our band of katana-wielding assassins when they were sent to sleep with the fishes, after a tempestuous and not-so-sensual four-way with Lettuce Win, Knitting Circle and Pink Power.
As the competition's numbers dwindled ever further, teams began to take tactics a little more seriously. Pink Power was repeatedly saved from elimination, as were the other teams with sub-1000 memberships, with victory against one of these understaffed sides almost guaranteed in a straight fight versus a thousand-strong opponent. Based on the strength of those remaining, it seemed likely that Saturday's 3rd place round would be the actual final, with one of Ninjas or Mountain Men eliminated on the 24th, and the other progressing to probable victory on Sunday.
But such a prediction seemed a remote possibility on Thursday, as Pink Power, Lettuce Win and Mountain Men all tied for zero just a few hours before elimination. Knitting Circle and Ninjas had ensured their own safety by pushing on early in the day, but many in the Ninja camp wondered if the Mountain Men's destruction would lead to teams focusing us come Friday's round.
Thankfully, such an outcome never transpired, as it was the delightful ladies of Pink Power whose gallant run came to an end, yet not without some considerable controversy. The final fifteen minutes were a frantic affair, with Lettuce Win, Pink Power and Mountain Men all pulling away at some point, before being hauled right back to zero by their desperate opponents. In the dying moments, it seemed that Mountain Men had been eliminated, and this reporter can verify that he saw their status confirmed several seconds beyond the 14:00 TCT deadline.
My eyesight not being what it once was, I headed over to global chat in order to confirm what I'd seen, and several other citizens had indeed witnessed the Mountain Men's apparent elimination. But alas, the result stood, only for the exact same thing to happen 24 hours later in the battle for fourth place.
One hour before Friday's deadline, Mountain Men and Lettuce Win were both thousands adrift of Ninjas and Knitting Circle, and at the five-minute mark just five points separated the flannel-wearing beard-mongers from the pun-tastic vegetarians. Yet once more, as the timer passed 14.00, the Mountain Men hauled themselves over on 14:00:03 according to my view, with such discrepancies reportedly down to a wafer-thin delay between processing the final kill and displaying it upon the leader-board.
So my initial prediction of a third-placed battle between Mountain Men and Ninjas came to pass after all, but who would Knitting Circle team up with? Mountain Men were indeed strong, and could surely beat KC in a straight fight, but with the Ninjas dominating the past week they too could not be taken lightly.
This question was answered early on in the day, as Ninjas' 7000 point lead was eradicated, and the run of these honourable assassins - to which I contributed barely a jot - was ended with plenty of room to spare. Would Sunday's finale now prove something of a damp squib? Yes, yes it would. Mountain Men completed their fairy-tale comeback with a 14378 to 97 demolition of Knitting Circle, adding several thousand unnecessary victory-murders to act as icing upon the world's most saltiest of cakes.
And so, as the men of the mountain bask in glory, the rest of us must now lick our wounds and wonder where it all went wrong. Should the smaller teams have formed an alliance in order to knock-out the thousand strong teams? Was some form of collateral needed to enforce our many shaky alliances? Were the Mountain Men underestimated, or did they merely play a stronger tactical game than anyone else?
Spadeioneer claims hard hits and effective alliances were the reason for the Mountain Men's victory, but surely a team saved by the skin of their teeth on several occasions owes far more to lady luck than anyone else. If I were said lady, I'd be expecting at least a muffin basket in the mail come Monday morning.
However, after applying several peeled potatoes to myself - potatoes being notoriously good at absorbing excess saltiness - I must, of course, congratulate the Mountain Men for their stunning victory snatched from the jaws of defeat. These fine gentlemen can hold their heads up high, having conquered all who came before them in this most brutal of competitions. I hope that upon their return to the Mountain Kingdom, the Mountain Men's daughters will satisfy their fathers in ways only ladies of the mountain know how.
But aside from the actual winners with their tokens and glory, many others may claim to have emerged from this Elimination tournament with some other form of victory. Moral superiority surely goes to those who placed highly despite their lack of numbers, with my team of the tournament, Pink Power, achieving an astonishing 5th place finish with only 479 players. Ladies in Torn should command a newfound respect after such a performance; they won't because Torn is a grotesque cesspit of glowering trolls, but they should.
Those who finished in the tournament's list of top ten hitters can also walk away with a sense of pride, with Mountain Men's Thief taking the Golden Fist, an award I just made up, with an impressive 1436 attacks.
FULL TABLE
Thief - Mountain Men - 1436
BFM - Knitting Circle - 1212
Kniv - Ninjas - 1175
I-Love-You - Ninjas - 1129
1by1takeyoudown - Mountain Men - 1113
Proxima - Mountain Men - 1018
Capturerhulkmad - Mountain Men - 1010
Angel - Original Gangsters - 1008
Has - Mountain Men - 951
Taktikz - Ninjas - 888
The other leading scorers on those teams not represented in the top ten were Green_revolver of Lettuce Win on 847, Wiffle from Pink Power with 599, Bung of 'Murica on 632, Short Bus' Sticky on 563, Bullzeye of the Green Army with 587, Rekker at Rebel Front on 694, Dutch of Area 51 hitting 410, and Tyro, the best of the Pirates with 504. What might he have scored if the Pirates hadnt sucked, we shall never know.
Bazaar owners can also claim a victory of sorts, with their jacked-up Xanax and Vicodin prices surely raking in a healthy sum for owners callous enough to profiteer from the provision of war materiel. The city of Torn itself profited from the competition greatly, with an average of 1000-2000 extra visitors every day. Equally, those with significant brain injury may have also enjoyed the frequent forum ramblings of Marlonbrando, along with the glut of lengthy Elimination posts which have littered Torn's forums of late. Not that this reporter can complain, especially as he finishes up a 1,700-word essay on the competition.
So now this year's tournament is over, what should we demand from next year's Elimination contest, or indeed any other events which may come before then? Many of the most oft-targeted players were those who left their accounts inactive, so should those who fail to fight in each round be discarded for the next? Some have also called for negative points to be introduced, yet surely this would lead to a weekly repeat of Sunday's very definition of a foregone conclusion. One feature which I'm sure everyone would agree on is the introduction of themed outfits, as I for one would like to see what kind of costume the Short Bus team are made to wear.
Yet for most, it was knockout times which were the main bugbear of Torn's non-European citizens. Perhaps in future these should be varied, randomised, or even hidden from Torn's population, as many people were forced to miss crucial moments of the Elimination contest due to their other commitments, and those who attended often did so at great risk to themselves.
Lettuce Win member Hera skipped a seminar on English Language Theorists in order to participate, and my fellow Ninja Mud was given a lucky break from Jury Duty to play on the day 'Murica was eliminated. Even this reporter risked wrath from his other half by taking time out from a relaxing spa break to document Saturday's dramatic conclusion, with my subsequent massage by an enchanting young lady named Chloe proving scant consolation for the Ninjas' tragic elimination.
But these concerns aside, when all is said and done, the Elimination competition has to be judged an overwhelming success. Torn's citizens have fought, complained, died, revived, overdosed and complained again more than ever over the past sixteen days, and anything which provokes this much attention is surely worth repeating.
So now, at the conclusion of the Elimination competition, we must congratulate once more the victorious Mountain Men, as we ponder what great event the Almighty Chedburn may bestow next upon those in Torn City.
Yet for all the lack of drama during Elimination's final weekend, the days running up to it proved as enthralling as anything we've seen in Torn before. Mountain Men started the week with an impressive tally of 61.1 hits per person, and such heavy activity drew the attention of weaker teams intent on dragging these dirty hill-folk down into the gutter.
On Tuesday, with thirty minutes remaining until the elimination deadline, Mountain Men found themselves fighting for their lives alongside Knitting Circle, Original Gangsters and 'Murica. Mountain Men eventually hauled themselves out of the drop zone as 'Murica headed home early - presumably to pet their bald eagles and salute a home-made bust of Donald J Trump - but last-minute battles would become a frequent occurrence for the tournament's eventual victors.
Intriguingly, the Ninjas forum indicated that this was the first time Mountain Men had not made contact with our team, with our sides seemingly operating under a fragile alliance during previous rounds. Future battle lines were also drawn between ourselves and eventual finalists Knitting Circle, as the Ninjas came under repeated assault from yarn enthusiasts, vegetable proponents and those who enjoy Blaxploitation movies.
The next day saw Mountain Men take a breather from their struggles, restoring some pride as they streaked out of sight with the Ninjas. A post from Mountain Men leader Spadeioneer indicated the Original Gangsters were allied with his side, so it was a boon for our band of katana-wielding assassins when they were sent to sleep with the fishes, after a tempestuous and not-so-sensual four-way with Lettuce Win, Knitting Circle and Pink Power.
As the competition's numbers dwindled ever further, teams began to take tactics a little more seriously. Pink Power was repeatedly saved from elimination, as were the other teams with sub-1000 memberships, with victory against one of these understaffed sides almost guaranteed in a straight fight versus a thousand-strong opponent. Based on the strength of those remaining, it seemed likely that Saturday's 3rd place round would be the actual final, with one of Ninjas or Mountain Men eliminated on the 24th, and the other progressing to probable victory on Sunday.
But such a prediction seemed a remote possibility on Thursday, as Pink Power, Lettuce Win and Mountain Men all tied for zero just a few hours before elimination. Knitting Circle and Ninjas had ensured their own safety by pushing on early in the day, but many in the Ninja camp wondered if the Mountain Men's destruction would lead to teams focusing us come Friday's round.
Thankfully, such an outcome never transpired, as it was the delightful ladies of Pink Power whose gallant run came to an end, yet not without some considerable controversy. The final fifteen minutes were a frantic affair, with Lettuce Win, Pink Power and Mountain Men all pulling away at some point, before being hauled right back to zero by their desperate opponents. In the dying moments, it seemed that Mountain Men had been eliminated, and this reporter can verify that he saw their status confirmed several seconds beyond the 14:00 TCT deadline.
My eyesight not being what it once was, I headed over to global chat in order to confirm what I'd seen, and several other citizens had indeed witnessed the Mountain Men's apparent elimination. But alas, the result stood, only for the exact same thing to happen 24 hours later in the battle for fourth place.
One hour before Friday's deadline, Mountain Men and Lettuce Win were both thousands adrift of Ninjas and Knitting Circle, and at the five-minute mark just five points separated the flannel-wearing beard-mongers from the pun-tastic vegetarians. Yet once more, as the timer passed 14.00, the Mountain Men hauled themselves over on 14:00:03 according to my view, with such discrepancies reportedly down to a wafer-thin delay between processing the final kill and displaying it upon the leader-board.
So my initial prediction of a third-placed battle between Mountain Men and Ninjas came to pass after all, but who would Knitting Circle team up with? Mountain Men were indeed strong, and could surely beat KC in a straight fight, but with the Ninjas dominating the past week they too could not be taken lightly.
This question was answered early on in the day, as Ninjas' 7000 point lead was eradicated, and the run of these honourable assassins - to which I contributed barely a jot - was ended with plenty of room to spare. Would Sunday's finale now prove something of a damp squib? Yes, yes it would. Mountain Men completed their fairy-tale comeback with a 14378 to 97 demolition of Knitting Circle, adding several thousand unnecessary victory-murders to act as icing upon the world's most saltiest of cakes.
And so, as the men of the mountain bask in glory, the rest of us must now lick our wounds and wonder where it all went wrong. Should the smaller teams have formed an alliance in order to knock-out the thousand strong teams? Was some form of collateral needed to enforce our many shaky alliances? Were the Mountain Men underestimated, or did they merely play a stronger tactical game than anyone else?
Spadeioneer claims hard hits and effective alliances were the reason for the Mountain Men's victory, but surely a team saved by the skin of their teeth on several occasions owes far more to lady luck than anyone else. If I were said lady, I'd be expecting at least a muffin basket in the mail come Monday morning.
However, after applying several peeled potatoes to myself - potatoes being notoriously good at absorbing excess saltiness - I must, of course, congratulate the Mountain Men for their stunning victory snatched from the jaws of defeat. These fine gentlemen can hold their heads up high, having conquered all who came before them in this most brutal of competitions. I hope that upon their return to the Mountain Kingdom, the Mountain Men's daughters will satisfy their fathers in ways only ladies of the mountain know how.
But aside from the actual winners with their tokens and glory, many others may claim to have emerged from this Elimination tournament with some other form of victory. Moral superiority surely goes to those who placed highly despite their lack of numbers, with my team of the tournament, Pink Power, achieving an astonishing 5th place finish with only 479 players. Ladies in Torn should command a newfound respect after such a performance; they won't because Torn is a grotesque cesspit of glowering trolls, but they should.
Those who finished in the tournament's list of top ten hitters can also walk away with a sense of pride, with Mountain Men's Thief taking the Golden Fist, an award I just made up, with an impressive 1436 attacks.
FULL TABLE
Thief - Mountain Men - 1436
BFM - Knitting Circle - 1212
Kniv - Ninjas - 1175
I-Love-You - Ninjas - 1129
1by1takeyoudown - Mountain Men - 1113
Proxima - Mountain Men - 1018
Capturerhulkmad - Mountain Men - 1010
Angel - Original Gangsters - 1008
Has - Mountain Men - 951
Taktikz - Ninjas - 888
The other leading scorers on those teams not represented in the top ten were Green_revolver of Lettuce Win on 847, Wiffle from Pink Power with 599, Bung of 'Murica on 632, Short Bus' Sticky on 563, Bullzeye of the Green Army with 587, Rekker at Rebel Front on 694, Dutch of Area 51 hitting 410, and Tyro, the best of the Pirates with 504. What might he have scored if the Pirates hadnt sucked, we shall never know.
Bazaar owners can also claim a victory of sorts, with their jacked-up Xanax and Vicodin prices surely raking in a healthy sum for owners callous enough to profiteer from the provision of war materiel. The city of Torn itself profited from the competition greatly, with an average of 1000-2000 extra visitors every day. Equally, those with significant brain injury may have also enjoyed the frequent forum ramblings of Marlonbrando, along with the glut of lengthy Elimination posts which have littered Torn's forums of late. Not that this reporter can complain, especially as he finishes up a 1,700-word essay on the competition.
So now this year's tournament is over, what should we demand from next year's Elimination contest, or indeed any other events which may come before then? Many of the most oft-targeted players were those who left their accounts inactive, so should those who fail to fight in each round be discarded for the next? Some have also called for negative points to be introduced, yet surely this would lead to a weekly repeat of Sunday's very definition of a foregone conclusion. One feature which I'm sure everyone would agree on is the introduction of themed outfits, as I for one would like to see what kind of costume the Short Bus team are made to wear.
Yet for most, it was knockout times which were the main bugbear of Torn's non-European citizens. Perhaps in future these should be varied, randomised, or even hidden from Torn's population, as many people were forced to miss crucial moments of the Elimination contest due to their other commitments, and those who attended often did so at great risk to themselves.
Lettuce Win member Hera skipped a seminar on English Language Theorists in order to participate, and my fellow Ninja Mud was given a lucky break from Jury Duty to play on the day 'Murica was eliminated. Even this reporter risked wrath from his other half by taking time out from a relaxing spa break to document Saturday's dramatic conclusion, with my subsequent massage by an enchanting young lady named Chloe proving scant consolation for the Ninjas' tragic elimination.
But these concerns aside, when all is said and done, the Elimination competition has to be judged an overwhelming success. Torn's citizens have fought, complained, died, revived, overdosed and complained again more than ever over the past sixteen days, and anything which provokes this much attention is surely worth repeating.
So now, at the conclusion of the Elimination competition, we must congratulate once more the victorious Mountain Men, as we ponder what great event the Almighty Chedburn may bestow next upon those in Torn City.
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