Torn City Times

sugarvalves [1963573] — As the Chinese year of the monkey draws to a close, the turkey's carcass dries up and the reaper snuffs out the last few celebrities on his list, many will look back on the events of 2016 in an attempt to draw meaning from the litany of tragedies this bastard year saw fit to serve us. And in Torn City we've had our fair share of drama to contend with too, having endured several Dirty Bombs, the jailing of Midknight, and the subsequent staffing brouhaha which came as a result of his release. The latter two caused an outpouring of complaint not seen in this city for some time, and yet still, even after such a protracted period of moaning, some people in Torn still managed to muster up the energy to find something else to grumble about over the Christmas period. Whether it concerns their lack of luck in tracking down Duke's gifts in the dump or their inability to strip items from a defenceless old man; the collective sense of injustice felt by Torn ci...

sugarvalves [1963573] — The city of Torn is a haven for those who would prey upon the weak, as with the likes of sharkeyfive, Collete and Dekloren lying in wait, those of a feeble disposition stand little chance against a tidal wave of hate when such tyrants are in charge of the life-raft. These poor, wretched souls have neither the power nor the energy to fight back, and far from offering help, many citizens instead engage in victim-blaming, accusing our oppressed citizens of whining, begging and disrespect, and therefore deserving of their fate. But this issue has been covered by this paper at length already, so why am I picking at these deep and divisive wounds when they've barely yet to scab? The reason is simple - the bullied have themselves become the bullies, joining with great fervour in the torment of a citizen whose only crime is to eschew the religious traditions of the season. I am of course talking about the deeply troubling and prejudicial treatment of a kindly old ...

sugarvalves [1963573] — In the midst of the on-going discussion over staffing changes, whether global chat is a cesspool and if Christmas Town will take place, it seems that Torn's citizens have failed to notice a recent increase in the strange behaviour of Shirley Prima Dante Calabrese - aka The Duke, aka that guy with the bald head and paunch who smells like a rancid delicatessen. The first indication something was amiss came when Mr Calabrese was reported to have given away over a hundred million dollars via Global Chat, in exchange for nothing more than the provision of grotesque facts regarding animals, intercourse and grave desecration. It also seems that the Duke has amped up his bounty buying again, with citizens split on whether this is an act of altruism on Calabrese's part, or if he's merely doing it to annoy the likes of MaxHeadRoom and TheHoneyBadger. Duke has curiously left the bounties placed by Collete active and in place, most likely as a token of goodwil...

sugarvalves [1963573] — On the 30th of November the announcement was made that former committee member Midknight would be freed on January 29th 2017, after the serving of a 60-day sentence not taking into account time served. His spell in Federal Jail came as the result of what can only be described as one of the stupidest crimes ever committed, in Torn or elsewhere, as this highly visible citizen attempted to sell a confidential mask item for personal gain weeks before its official release. How Midknight thought he would get away with such deception is unfathomable to even the most deluded mind, as the level of cunning involved would make Mr Bean seem like a master criminal, with Midknight understandably too embarrassed to take part in an interview for this piece. But the issue most players were concerned about was the draconian punishment handed out to him. Or, as it later transpired, the retraction of said penalty, which in turn led to the retraction of sanity and good humour by m...