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In the midst of the on-going discussion over staffing changes, whether global chat is a cesspool and if Christmas Town will take place, it seems that Torn's citizens have failed to notice a recent increase in the strange behaviour of Shirley Prima Dante Calabrese - aka The Duke, aka that guy with the bald head and paunch who smells like a rancid delicatessen.
The first indication something was amiss came when Mr Calabrese was reported to have given away over a hundred million dollars via Global Chat, in exchange for nothing more than the provision of grotesque facts regarding animals, intercourse and grave desecration.
It also seems that the Duke has amped up his bounty buying again, with citizens split on whether this is an act of altruism on Calabrese's part, or if he's merely doing it to annoy the likes of MaxHeadRoom and TheHoneyBadger. Duke has curiously left the bounties placed by Collete active and in place, most likely as a token of goodwill after he famously rejected her proposal of marriage.
Duke is known to feel guilty about this incident, and his fragile mental state has only been further compounded through the repeated delivery of poetry, gimp masks and herpes medication. Mr Calabrese's frequent abuse of tablets meant to treat feline immunodeficiency virus have resulted in the rotund Mafioso losing his short-term memory, and when the aforementioned items arrive on his doorstep, he often forgets why he requested them in the first place.
So while the Duke is currently a few bologna sandwiches short of a picnic basket, one thing Duke is not short of is money. In fact, the only major event which does sting his cash-flow - the on-going disagreement with Bodybagger - has apparently taken on yet another interesting turn.
Bodybagger continues to mug Duke on a daily basis, sometimes twice, earning approximately $50million every 24 hours. However, Duke also continues to mug and bounty the members of Bodybagger's Oil crew in retaliation, and intriguingly, Duke takes a figure close to $50million directly from their pockets, often after seriously wounding his victim with a pair of ladies heels.
In a series of confidential communiques, it has been suggested to me by several of Bodybagger's staff that this whole operation is a scam, orchestrated by their boss, in order to avoid him paying out their wages. Whether the similarity of these figures is a coincidence or not I cannot tell, but according to these mugging logs provided by one of Duke's secretaries, it does look awfully suspicious.
Yet Duke has nothing to gain from this arrangement, so what could be his reasons for participating in such a scam? Many of his recent forum posts have hinted at a deep-seated admiration - possibly verging on love - for Torn City's resident hard man. But even this potential romance wouldn't be as strange as what the Duke has been seen doing late at night at the dump.
At first, it seemed he was merely undertaking a Christmas clear-out, with boxes of candy and beer left strewn amongst the rusty birdcages and defective sex toys. But then, in the small hours of the morning, Duke was seen engaging in a strange form of buy-dumping, far preferable to buy-mugging, whereby he purchased then summarily dispensed with items of great value, including Anti-tank guns, Armalites, a lightly soiled thong and a business class ticket, giving a total of zero excretions over how valuable these discarded items were.
One man's trash is another man's treasure indeed, but even Kings, Queens and Emperors could not scoff at the prospect of rummaging through the dirt to acquire such valuable items. And rumour is there's more to come, as credit card records belonging to Calabrese, which accidentally fell into my possession of course, clearly show the purchase of thousands more astonishingly expensive products.
How expensive I am not at liberty to say, but save for the city's richest, it seems this is an opportunity few can afford to pass up. Those fragrant individuals who frequent the city dump with regularity have already benefited from Duke's wastefulness by scooping up many of these trinkets in quick time, but will the prospect of further reward tempt some of our more well-to-do citizens into a spot of dumpster diving?
Pictured: Players level 15 and below.
Who can say for sure? But, what seems certain is that Shirley Prima Dante Calabrese is either turning into Torn's very own Robin Hood, or he's suffering the kind of cat medication-based breakdown that would make Kanye's issues seem nothing more than a mild case of the Mondays.
Regardless of his motives, the loan-shark shows no signs of ending this soiled not-so-secret Santa act anytime soon. I am informed by his secretary that Duke has allocated three hours of his time on the 13th of December for an undisclosed reason, indicating that Torn's version of Black Friday could be occurring very soon, on a day I have taken to calling Troggy Tuesday.
Whether this generous giveaway comes to pass is not yet known, and nor can we be certain what kind of riches await those able to discard their dignity and sink into a sea of garbage. But it seems eminently possible that come the anniversary of our Lord and saviour's birth, many of Torn's citizens could be quite literally filthy, stinking rich.
The first indication something was amiss came when Mr Calabrese was reported to have given away over a hundred million dollars via Global Chat, in exchange for nothing more than the provision of grotesque facts regarding animals, intercourse and grave desecration.
It also seems that the Duke has amped up his bounty buying again, with citizens split on whether this is an act of altruism on Calabrese's part, or if he's merely doing it to annoy the likes of MaxHeadRoom and TheHoneyBadger. Duke has curiously left the bounties placed by Collete active and in place, most likely as a token of goodwill after he famously rejected her proposal of marriage.
Duke is known to feel guilty about this incident, and his fragile mental state has only been further compounded through the repeated delivery of poetry, gimp masks and herpes medication. Mr Calabrese's frequent abuse of tablets meant to treat feline immunodeficiency virus have resulted in the rotund Mafioso losing his short-term memory, and when the aforementioned items arrive on his doorstep, he often forgets why he requested them in the first place.
So while the Duke is currently a few bologna sandwiches short of a picnic basket, one thing Duke is not short of is money. In fact, the only major event which does sting his cash-flow - the on-going disagreement with Bodybagger - has apparently taken on yet another interesting turn.
Bodybagger continues to mug Duke on a daily basis, sometimes twice, earning approximately $50million every 24 hours. However, Duke also continues to mug and bounty the members of Bodybagger's Oil crew in retaliation, and intriguingly, Duke takes a figure close to $50million directly from their pockets, often after seriously wounding his victim with a pair of ladies heels.
In a series of confidential communiques, it has been suggested to me by several of Bodybagger's staff that this whole operation is a scam, orchestrated by their boss, in order to avoid him paying out their wages. Whether the similarity of these figures is a coincidence or not I cannot tell, but according to these mugging logs provided by one of Duke's secretaries, it does look awfully suspicious.
Yet Duke has nothing to gain from this arrangement, so what could be his reasons for participating in such a scam? Many of his recent forum posts have hinted at a deep-seated admiration - possibly verging on love - for Torn City's resident hard man. But even this potential romance wouldn't be as strange as what the Duke has been seen doing late at night at the dump.
At first, it seemed he was merely undertaking a Christmas clear-out, with boxes of candy and beer left strewn amongst the rusty birdcages and defective sex toys. But then, in the small hours of the morning, Duke was seen engaging in a strange form of buy-dumping, far preferable to buy-mugging, whereby he purchased then summarily dispensed with items of great value, including Anti-tank guns, Armalites, a lightly soiled thong and a business class ticket, giving a total of zero excretions over how valuable these discarded items were.
One man's trash is another man's treasure indeed, but even Kings, Queens and Emperors could not scoff at the prospect of rummaging through the dirt to acquire such valuable items. And rumour is there's more to come, as credit card records belonging to Calabrese, which accidentally fell into my possession of course, clearly show the purchase of thousands more astonishingly expensive products.
How expensive I am not at liberty to say, but save for the city's richest, it seems this is an opportunity few can afford to pass up. Those fragrant individuals who frequent the city dump with regularity have already benefited from Duke's wastefulness by scooping up many of these trinkets in quick time, but will the prospect of further reward tempt some of our more well-to-do citizens into a spot of dumpster diving?
Pictured: Players level 15 and below.
Who can say for sure? But, what seems certain is that Shirley Prima Dante Calabrese is either turning into Torn's very own Robin Hood, or he's suffering the kind of cat medication-based breakdown that would make Kanye's issues seem nothing more than a mild case of the Mondays.
Regardless of his motives, the loan-shark shows no signs of ending this soiled not-so-secret Santa act anytime soon. I am informed by his secretary that Duke has allocated three hours of his time on the 13th of December for an undisclosed reason, indicating that Torn's version of Black Friday could be occurring very soon, on a day I have taken to calling Troggy Tuesday.
Whether this generous giveaway comes to pass is not yet known, and nor can we be certain what kind of riches await those able to discard their dignity and sink into a sea of garbage. But it seems eminently possible that come the anniversary of our Lord and saviour's birth, many of Torn's citizens could be quite literally filthy, stinking rich.
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