sugarvalves [1963573] —
Original article
The literal meat parade that is the Mr and Ms Torn competition kicked off last week, with the grand prize of 10,000 points and a crown item enough to tempt citizens from all walks of life into taking their pants off for strangers.
Voting commenced on the 5th of July and will run for just under three weeks, ending at midnight of the 25th. This year's event has been entered by a total of 268 men at the time of writing, compared to just 80 members of the fairer sex offering themselves up for judgement. Lucensa is the current leader of the women's competition, followed closely behind by Ruby and Kathe. Meanwhile, the men are operating under the shadow of karma-acquisition specialist Bogie, who leads Kamical and Frinzell in the race to be crowned Mr Torn.
This year's competition has already provoked a rash of comments regarding its supposed flaws, with the soothing balm of forum discourse proving an ineffective method of relieving the itch. UNCCH, a participant in this year's Mr Torn, claims that the competition's format causes corruption and bullying. He believes that we should combat this by ensuring that all entries are anonymous:
"I seriously think that your profile should not be linked under your Mr Torn entry suggestion on the competition page. Reasons: friends and faction members will be able to easily identify and give each other 10s. I've also been bountied 20x since submitting mine, as well as had a random player message me about it."
"I think if there wasn't a link to your profile under the pic, players wouldn't go through the trouble of manually typing in your name in the actual photo."
These sentiments were echoed in the forums by AOW_DUDE who, in a rare moment of insight, pointed out one of the flaws of stealth voting; namely, that people are often deceived when others promise to vote for them. Elsewhere, we've had rumours that Torn's gender fluid community are unhappy at the lack of an Mx Torn crown, the Bronies are also upset by the similar omission of a Pony award, and I've been privy to information which suggests that Duke plans to purchase the Mr and Ms Torn competition in an effort to gain unrestricted access to the entrants' dressing rooms.
But does anyone care about any of that? No. You just want to know how to win. So let's find out, by looking back at the history of the competition and our previous winners. For those who are new or too lazy to read the TC Community page, the first officially recorded Mr and Ms Torn took place in 2007. However, the 2005 Torn Rocks competition was its spiritual predecessor.
This contest, whose aim was to promote the city, was hijacked by a gaggle of half-naked lunatics intent on baring flesh at every opportunity. And while many creative entries were submitted, such as the totally gnarly drawing of Ryu with random player names scribbled over it below, the authorities knew that the real winners were those who had spent hours poring over the semi-nude pictures of their fellow Torn players.
To this end, the competition morphed into a hybrid of beauty and popularity contest, with entrants encouraged to be as creative as possible with their efforts. However, as we're about to find out by looking at attempts by previous finalists, for most people, their creativity extends about as far as a roll of duct tape.
2007
For the inaugural competition, the criteria for victory seems to have been breasts, black shades and bad lighting. Vixen_'s apple pie smile undoubtedly helped her secure top spot, with _xX-Sophie-Xx_ deeming a dimly-lit shower cubicle the best place to stage her own entry.
GZUSHCHRIST relied heavily on his trussed female accomplice to acquire the Mr Torn crown, in the process setting a precedent for the amount of nudity required to win - a state of affairs which thankfully endures to this day.
2008
Mammaries were the order of the day once more in the 2008 event, with only KillerCareBear taking the time to trouble herself with creative thought. The entries of both AylaTayla and XoCourtneyoX could have been ripped straight from an online dating profile, although the latter's verification of her identity using a webcam did pique my interest a little. Who is that in the top right-hand corner? And which part of their body is XoCourtneyoX's player number written on?
For the men, the distinguished -KC took top spot and dubbed himself father time in the process, with his moustache and soul patch combo playing a vital role in his victory. Yusuke and Pushblood stood no chance against this handsome gentleman, no matter how much automatic weaponry they wielded.
2009
Lullsbud emerged victorious in the 2009 competition through the staging of a hostage situation down at the city dump. Runner-up SpeedSkateR clearly got the memo about nudity, plastering herself with dozens of them in a futile attempt to hide her naked form from prying eyes. Her entry was complimented beautifully by the addition of a cream-coloured towel in the background, so feel free to include your own bathroom wares to boost your chances of victory in this year's event.
Godscurse secured the Mr Torn crown with what is possibly one of these most iconic images in the competition's history. His pose next to a set of buttocks - presumably female, undeniably aromatic - was performed in a room which can only be described as dingy. Was this woman his partner, or his captive? Perhaps we shall never know...or want to.
2010
Mr Torn 2010 was an unusually drab affair, with winner Madmiketyson employing a famous monument and sovereign ring in an attempt to look "well hard in France". Second-placed Brokeface chose to act out a bizarre sadomasochistic scene involving Chedburn and a frying pan for his image, with third-placed Aerozol also depicting the corpse of our city's leader in a prostrate position.
This year the ladies seemed to step up their game, though, relying only on partial nudity to achieve victory. Second-placed -Elektra- chose to dress as a flight attendant, with nobody quite sure if the outfit had been purchased for the competition or it was already owned. Lamone, the winner, chose her flesh as the canvas for a depiction of the Torn skyline, with the city dump thankfully obscured from public view.
2011
Kimmy's "Princess Samurai" outfit was enough to acquire the 2011 Ms Torn crown, with habitual runner-up -Elektra-'s almost-identical entry failing due to the fact she posed on a blanket slung out in a corridor.
As for the men, Driving took advantage of the year's planking craze to great effect, scoring 1st place with an entry which may or may not have resulted in the broiling of his genitalia. Night_Eagle also showed that one can easily place highly in the Mr Torn competition by simply glueing weapons to a wall. Or, you can follow KevinBo's lead, and just pose with a gun sassily.
2012
2012's Ms Torn was JoNeSyGaLL, whose calling out of the female sandwich-making stereotype endeared her to the masses, as did her voluminous cans. Apnea took third-place courtesy of an Avatar-style outfit and face-painting combo, with her slightly constipated expression conveying her character's deep concern over the increasing price of Unobtanium.
Scony secured the Mr Torn crown with a devastating precision which befits his military uniform - a uniform I assume he was given due to service, rather than it being stolen from a tormented old veteran. Irokez continued the uniform theme with his entry showcasing his profession as a pilot, proving that not all Torn players work in accountancy and IT firms. In contrast, Azrael printed off his profile page and stuck his face through the hole. I think that makes him a winner in life more than any so-called career ever could.
2013
This was the year when individuality truly died. For if SpursNbling riding a horse backwards while firing a rifle was only good enough for third behind two nondescript boob-based pictures, then there truly is no hope. So if anyone is thinking of using animals in their 2017 entry, at least make sure they've got their udders out.
2017's current leader Bogie took home the 2013 Mr Torn prize with a topical entry displaying his considerable artistic flair, referencing both staff and his then-lover Evil-Duck in a satirical manner. Elsewhere, second-placed TedThomas dressed up like a zombie newsreader or something, and Dwaine_Dibbly got his massive weapon out.
2014
Competition abandoned due to excessive moisture.
2015
The return of the Mr and Ms Torn competition in 2015 inspired our citizens to an even higher level of creativity than ever before, kind of. Winner KillerAkira's tactic of "looking annoyed in booty shorts" seemed to do the trick, with Helzwar007 having to settle for second despite showing off her massive gash.
CaptainObvious used his enviable frame to good effect by pouring his curves into a pair of tight red boxers and a cape. His calling out of Evil-Duck also added to his entry's attractiveness, with City hard man BodyBagger forced into second place despite his image being both literal and unsettling.
2016
Vampire_Yuki heroically overcame the odds to take the 2016 Ms Torn crown, with her questionable taste in Young Adult fiction seemingly not enough to dissuade voters. Meanwhile, Ruby showed off her magic skills by making a notepad float in mid-air, and Rosetta_49 posed while apparently on her way to a Kid Rock concert / Donald Trump rally / NRA Ladies Day.
Ist proved once more that military uniforms certainly won't harm your chances, with the 2016 Mr Torn taking victory in spite of his atrocious paper-airplane making skills. In second place, Popandfresh accidentally submitted a photograph of his early-morning activities and somehow got away with it, and Krastinov swiped third place with his depiction of a Bond villain in the early stages of Alzheimer's.
2017
This year's top entries have so far adhered to the accepted criteria of the Mr and Ms Torn competition. Bogie leads the men's event with a post that references the current karma whoring which has befallen the forums. In second place, Kamical has combined a military theme with some henchmen, play money and cheap vodka to portray a super-villain of some sort. And in third, Frinzell is seen leering over a woman's corpse with a cane - is there a more pleasing sight to behold? I certainly don't know of one.
In the women's event, Lucensa has eschewed the tradition of displaying one's bust by instead asking for one. Second-placed Ruby has ticked the violence and sex categories by posing in a pair of boxing gloves. And in third, Kathe has chosen the direct route and whacked a camera proper close to her face.
So there you have it. Those are the most popular entries in the entire history of the Mr and Ms Torn competition. There's still plenty of time for newcomers to upset the fapple cart, though. So if you too are desperately seeking the validation of strangers in a futile bid to prop up your all-too-fragile self-worth, follow these simple rules and hoover up votes for a surefire victory.
Just like in Hollywood, nudity IS a valuable alternative to talent.
A greasepaint costume is a cheap alternative to buying one.
Scenes of violence against Chedburn always go down well.
Depictions of an actual crime may land you second place / a spot in jail.
Nurse? Marine? Firefighter? Milk your job until its teats are chapped.
If you're going to beg for votes, ask for a screengrabbed GIF as proof.
Reference recent events and steal high-karma opinions for extra points.
If all else fails, wait for Leslie's competition next month.
N.B. The Torn City Times accepts no responsibility for the loss of dignity or self-confidence incurred by following this advice.
Voting commenced on the 5th of July and will run for just under three weeks, ending at midnight of the 25th. This year's event has been entered by a total of 268 men at the time of writing, compared to just 80 members of the fairer sex offering themselves up for judgement. Lucensa is the current leader of the women's competition, followed closely behind by Ruby and Kathe. Meanwhile, the men are operating under the shadow of karma-acquisition specialist Bogie, who leads Kamical and Frinzell in the race to be crowned Mr Torn.
This year's competition has already provoked a rash of comments regarding its supposed flaws, with the soothing balm of forum discourse proving an ineffective method of relieving the itch. UNCCH, a participant in this year's Mr Torn, claims that the competition's format causes corruption and bullying. He believes that we should combat this by ensuring that all entries are anonymous:
"I seriously think that your profile should not be linked under your Mr Torn entry suggestion on the competition page. Reasons: friends and faction members will be able to easily identify and give each other 10s. I've also been bountied 20x since submitting mine, as well as had a random player message me about it."
"I think if there wasn't a link to your profile under the pic, players wouldn't go through the trouble of manually typing in your name in the actual photo."
These sentiments were echoed in the forums by AOW_DUDE who, in a rare moment of insight, pointed out one of the flaws of stealth voting; namely, that people are often deceived when others promise to vote for them. Elsewhere, we've had rumours that Torn's gender fluid community are unhappy at the lack of an Mx Torn crown, the Bronies are also upset by the similar omission of a Pony award, and I've been privy to information which suggests that Duke plans to purchase the Mr and Ms Torn competition in an effort to gain unrestricted access to the entrants' dressing rooms.
But does anyone care about any of that? No. You just want to know how to win. So let's find out, by looking back at the history of the competition and our previous winners. For those who are new or too lazy to read the TC Community page, the first officially recorded Mr and Ms Torn took place in 2007. However, the 2005 Torn Rocks competition was its spiritual predecessor.
This contest, whose aim was to promote the city, was hijacked by a gaggle of half-naked lunatics intent on baring flesh at every opportunity. And while many creative entries were submitted, such as the totally gnarly drawing of Ryu with random player names scribbled over it below, the authorities knew that the real winners were those who had spent hours poring over the semi-nude pictures of their fellow Torn players.
To this end, the competition morphed into a hybrid of beauty and popularity contest, with entrants encouraged to be as creative as possible with their efforts. However, as we're about to find out by looking at attempts by previous finalists, for most people, their creativity extends about as far as a roll of duct tape.
2007
For the inaugural competition, the criteria for victory seems to have been breasts, black shades and bad lighting. Vixen_'s apple pie smile undoubtedly helped her secure top spot, with _xX-Sophie-Xx_ deeming a dimly-lit shower cubicle the best place to stage her own entry.
GZUSHCHRIST relied heavily on his trussed female accomplice to acquire the Mr Torn crown, in the process setting a precedent for the amount of nudity required to win - a state of affairs which thankfully endures to this day.
2008
Mammaries were the order of the day once more in the 2008 event, with only KillerCareBear taking the time to trouble herself with creative thought. The entries of both AylaTayla and XoCourtneyoX could have been ripped straight from an online dating profile, although the latter's verification of her identity using a webcam did pique my interest a little. Who is that in the top right-hand corner? And which part of their body is XoCourtneyoX's player number written on?
For the men, the distinguished -KC took top spot and dubbed himself father time in the process, with his moustache and soul patch combo playing a vital role in his victory. Yusuke and Pushblood stood no chance against this handsome gentleman, no matter how much automatic weaponry they wielded.
2009
Lullsbud emerged victorious in the 2009 competition through the staging of a hostage situation down at the city dump. Runner-up SpeedSkateR clearly got the memo about nudity, plastering herself with dozens of them in a futile attempt to hide her naked form from prying eyes. Her entry was complimented beautifully by the addition of a cream-coloured towel in the background, so feel free to include your own bathroom wares to boost your chances of victory in this year's event.
Godscurse secured the Mr Torn crown with what is possibly one of these most iconic images in the competition's history. His pose next to a set of buttocks - presumably female, undeniably aromatic - was performed in a room which can only be described as dingy. Was this woman his partner, or his captive? Perhaps we shall never know...or want to.
2010
Mr Torn 2010 was an unusually drab affair, with winner Madmiketyson employing a famous monument and sovereign ring in an attempt to look "well hard in France". Second-placed Brokeface chose to act out a bizarre sadomasochistic scene involving Chedburn and a frying pan for his image, with third-placed Aerozol also depicting the corpse of our city's leader in a prostrate position.
This year the ladies seemed to step up their game, though, relying only on partial nudity to achieve victory. Second-placed -Elektra- chose to dress as a flight attendant, with nobody quite sure if the outfit had been purchased for the competition or it was already owned. Lamone, the winner, chose her flesh as the canvas for a depiction of the Torn skyline, with the city dump thankfully obscured from public view.
2011
Kimmy's "Princess Samurai" outfit was enough to acquire the 2011 Ms Torn crown, with habitual runner-up -Elektra-'s almost-identical entry failing due to the fact she posed on a blanket slung out in a corridor.
As for the men, Driving took advantage of the year's planking craze to great effect, scoring 1st place with an entry which may or may not have resulted in the broiling of his genitalia. Night_Eagle also showed that one can easily place highly in the Mr Torn competition by simply glueing weapons to a wall. Or, you can follow KevinBo's lead, and just pose with a gun sassily.
2012
2012's Ms Torn was JoNeSyGaLL, whose calling out of the female sandwich-making stereotype endeared her to the masses, as did her voluminous cans. Apnea took third-place courtesy of an Avatar-style outfit and face-painting combo, with her slightly constipated expression conveying her character's deep concern over the increasing price of Unobtanium.
Scony secured the Mr Torn crown with a devastating precision which befits his military uniform - a uniform I assume he was given due to service, rather than it being stolen from a tormented old veteran. Irokez continued the uniform theme with his entry showcasing his profession as a pilot, proving that not all Torn players work in accountancy and IT firms. In contrast, Azrael printed off his profile page and stuck his face through the hole. I think that makes him a winner in life more than any so-called career ever could.
2013
This was the year when individuality truly died. For if SpursNbling riding a horse backwards while firing a rifle was only good enough for third behind two nondescript boob-based pictures, then there truly is no hope. So if anyone is thinking of using animals in their 2017 entry, at least make sure they've got their udders out.
2017's current leader Bogie took home the 2013 Mr Torn prize with a topical entry displaying his considerable artistic flair, referencing both staff and his then-lover Evil-Duck in a satirical manner. Elsewhere, second-placed TedThomas dressed up like a zombie newsreader or something, and Dwaine_Dibbly got his massive weapon out.
2014
Competition abandoned due to excessive moisture.
2015
The return of the Mr and Ms Torn competition in 2015 inspired our citizens to an even higher level of creativity than ever before, kind of. Winner KillerAkira's tactic of "looking annoyed in booty shorts" seemed to do the trick, with Helzwar007 having to settle for second despite showing off her massive gash.
CaptainObvious used his enviable frame to good effect by pouring his curves into a pair of tight red boxers and a cape. His calling out of Evil-Duck also added to his entry's attractiveness, with City hard man BodyBagger forced into second place despite his image being both literal and unsettling.
2016
Vampire_Yuki heroically overcame the odds to take the 2016 Ms Torn crown, with her questionable taste in Young Adult fiction seemingly not enough to dissuade voters. Meanwhile, Ruby showed off her magic skills by making a notepad float in mid-air, and Rosetta_49 posed while apparently on her way to a Kid Rock concert / Donald Trump rally / NRA Ladies Day.
Ist proved once more that military uniforms certainly won't harm your chances, with the 2016 Mr Torn taking victory in spite of his atrocious paper-airplane making skills. In second place, Popandfresh accidentally submitted a photograph of his early-morning activities and somehow got away with it, and Krastinov swiped third place with his depiction of a Bond villain in the early stages of Alzheimer's.
2017
This year's top entries have so far adhered to the accepted criteria of the Mr and Ms Torn competition. Bogie leads the men's event with a post that references the current karma whoring which has befallen the forums. In second place, Kamical has combined a military theme with some henchmen, play money and cheap vodka to portray a super-villain of some sort. And in third, Frinzell is seen leering over a woman's corpse with a cane - is there a more pleasing sight to behold? I certainly don't know of one.
In the women's event, Lucensa has eschewed the tradition of displaying one's bust by instead asking for one. Second-placed Ruby has ticked the violence and sex categories by posing in a pair of boxing gloves. And in third, Kathe has chosen the direct route and whacked a camera proper close to her face.
So there you have it. Those are the most popular entries in the entire history of the Mr and Ms Torn competition. There's still plenty of time for newcomers to upset the fapple cart, though. So if you too are desperately seeking the validation of strangers in a futile bid to prop up your all-too-fragile self-worth, follow these simple rules and hoover up votes for a surefire victory.
Just like in Hollywood, nudity IS a valuable alternative to talent.
A greasepaint costume is a cheap alternative to buying one.
Scenes of violence against Chedburn always go down well.
Depictions of an actual crime may land you second place / a spot in jail.
Nurse? Marine? Firefighter? Milk your job until its teats are chapped.
If you're going to beg for votes, ask for a screengrabbed GIF as proof.
Reference recent events and steal high-karma opinions for extra points.
If all else fails, wait for Leslie's competition next month.
N.B. The Torn City Times accepts no responsibility for the loss of dignity or self-confidence incurred by following this advice.
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