sugarvalves [1963573] —
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For those of us not in possession of beauty, breasts or a secret cache of military equipment, winning the Mr and Ms Torn Competition is nothing but a pipe dream. Without some voting anomaly or a series of fortuitous bear attacks upon every other entrant, most of us cannot ever hope to know what it feels like to place in the top ten of a beauty competition, let alone wear the crown of victory upon our distinctly average heads.
This situation, if it weren't bad enough already, is made worse by the doling out of fabulous prizes to those already gilded by God. It seems rather perverse that the winners, encumbered as they are with the burden of a lovely face, are given further glories in the form of points, ribbons and prestige. What of the hideous folks? What of those without a single creative bone in their wretchedly ugly bodies? Where is their trophy? Where's their parade?
This is the question asked by local Casino employee Leslie Chanthavong, who seeks to alleviate the disparity between fine and fugly through the establishment of an alternative beauty competition. His event, entitled Choke Me Leslie, has been created to allow those with a 'nice personality' to experience the warm glow of achievement felt on a daily basis by their aesthetically blessed counterparts.
"Mr Ms Torn is waste of time. Titty and gun win every year. Don't get me wrong. I like titty and gun. Two of my favourite things. But ugly bastards never win. Ugly bastards too poor to buy gun because only McDonalds hire them in back of kitchen. And good rack on ugly person is like seeing spoiler on burning Ford Pinto car with family trapped inside. What a waste."
"My idea was to make competition for ugly bastard soon after beautiful one finished. You know, like when Paralympic follow Olympic. This is same, it is for people with crippled face. And it is best moment to catch them too. Everyone who fail in Mr Ms Torn probably cry all week into ice cream. This is perfect time to draw them in and get many pictures I use for sale in Asia for before photographs in beauty product commercial. I make good money off these dirty ugly freaks."
"Last sentence off the record okay?"
Chanthavong, 59, advertised his competition via the Torn forums, requesting that the ugliest people in the city supply him with grotesque images to help his self-conscious son, Kenny, feel better about himself. As a reward, the Spin the Wheel operator is offering a "big sexy cash prize" to his three favourites. And judging by a recent mass theft from the Torn Casino stock room, the value of these prizes could be very significant indeed.
Questions were raised early on in the competition by those who wondered how a Casino employee on $250 per day could possibly offer the people of Torn a worthwhile award for their troubles. This question has now seemingly gotten an answer, as over the weekend one of the Casino's warehouses was reportedly stripped of assets worth more than $1billion TCT.
"It wasn't me. I was in market buying 10,000 crab for $100 at whatever time this happened. You know how painful life must be for crab that cheap? In a way, I think agony makes them taste better."
Whether this heist was the work of Chanthavong has not yet been ascertained. But given the fact that one of his other sons, 'Handsome Bryan', was caught staring into a warehouse CCTV camera while having his hair combed and sniffed by a man matching Chanthavong's height and build, it seems not much of a leap to make.
Chanthavong himself bragged to our reporter that the total competition prize pot consists of items valued at over nine figures. And even if the Laotian fails to stump up the goods, the competition's awarding of official ribbons by the authorities means there should be plenty of interest among the public. There are even rumours that the rewards on offer could outstrip the Mr and Ms Torn prizes by hundreds of millions of dollars - being ugly has never been so profitable.
There have been only fifteen entries in the competition as of this morning, with efforts so far consisting of people with things smeared on their faces, the odd bit of gurning and two pictures of trees. The early leader is Adult Novelty director Carp, whose depiction of himself mid-defecation is all the braver given that he is presently battling through a challenging period of species-reassignment surgery.
(Pictured: Carp, Bro, FizzyWhizzy)
For those who would like to relieve themselves of their dignity and enter this competition, time is of the essence. Chanthavong has failed to specify an end date for this event, and when pressed for one he responded with "half past **** on the 23rd of go **** yourself. Or whenever I'm bored. Pick one." This means the competition could end at any moment, so those hoping to be crowned 'Ugliest Bastard in Torn' would do well to formulate an entry as soon as possible.
The only rules given by Chanthavong are that your photograph must include your name and the words 'Choke Me Leslie' - the latter being a nod to the strangling prize handed out in his notoriously unforgiving Spin the Wheel casino game. And in terms of strategy, partial nudity seems to have proven a successful approach in this type of competition, regardless of victory criteria.
Carp's leggy display has been joined by those of Fizzywhizzy, JustJanet and Blazescorch2, each of whom have bared some skin in a bid to secure the title. This effort has not gone unnoticed by Leslie Chanthavong, and in an attempt to see more of the same, he offered the following words of encouragement:
"Only thing worse than ugly bastard is seeing ugly bastard naked. Makes me sick in mouth that I have to swallow. But in small way, I like the taste."
Choke Me Leslie runs until half past **** on the 23rd of go **** yourself, and entries can be made here.
This situation, if it weren't bad enough already, is made worse by the doling out of fabulous prizes to those already gilded by God. It seems rather perverse that the winners, encumbered as they are with the burden of a lovely face, are given further glories in the form of points, ribbons and prestige. What of the hideous folks? What of those without a single creative bone in their wretchedly ugly bodies? Where is their trophy? Where's their parade?
This is the question asked by local Casino employee Leslie Chanthavong, who seeks to alleviate the disparity between fine and fugly through the establishment of an alternative beauty competition. His event, entitled Choke Me Leslie, has been created to allow those with a 'nice personality' to experience the warm glow of achievement felt on a daily basis by their aesthetically blessed counterparts.
"Mr Ms Torn is waste of time. Titty and gun win every year. Don't get me wrong. I like titty and gun. Two of my favourite things. But ugly bastards never win. Ugly bastards too poor to buy gun because only McDonalds hire them in back of kitchen. And good rack on ugly person is like seeing spoiler on burning Ford Pinto car with family trapped inside. What a waste."
"My idea was to make competition for ugly bastard soon after beautiful one finished. You know, like when Paralympic follow Olympic. This is same, it is for people with crippled face. And it is best moment to catch them too. Everyone who fail in Mr Ms Torn probably cry all week into ice cream. This is perfect time to draw them in and get many pictures I use for sale in Asia for before photographs in beauty product commercial. I make good money off these dirty ugly freaks."
"Last sentence off the record okay?"
Chanthavong, 59, advertised his competition via the Torn forums, requesting that the ugliest people in the city supply him with grotesque images to help his self-conscious son, Kenny, feel better about himself. As a reward, the Spin the Wheel operator is offering a "big sexy cash prize" to his three favourites. And judging by a recent mass theft from the Torn Casino stock room, the value of these prizes could be very significant indeed.
Questions were raised early on in the competition by those who wondered how a Casino employee on $250 per day could possibly offer the people of Torn a worthwhile award for their troubles. This question has now seemingly gotten an answer, as over the weekend one of the Casino's warehouses was reportedly stripped of assets worth more than $1billion TCT.
"It wasn't me. I was in market buying 10,000 crab for $100 at whatever time this happened. You know how painful life must be for crab that cheap? In a way, I think agony makes them taste better."
Whether this heist was the work of Chanthavong has not yet been ascertained. But given the fact that one of his other sons, 'Handsome Bryan', was caught staring into a warehouse CCTV camera while having his hair combed and sniffed by a man matching Chanthavong's height and build, it seems not much of a leap to make.
Chanthavong himself bragged to our reporter that the total competition prize pot consists of items valued at over nine figures. And even if the Laotian fails to stump up the goods, the competition's awarding of official ribbons by the authorities means there should be plenty of interest among the public. There are even rumours that the rewards on offer could outstrip the Mr and Ms Torn prizes by hundreds of millions of dollars - being ugly has never been so profitable.
There have been only fifteen entries in the competition as of this morning, with efforts so far consisting of people with things smeared on their faces, the odd bit of gurning and two pictures of trees. The early leader is Adult Novelty director Carp, whose depiction of himself mid-defecation is all the braver given that he is presently battling through a challenging period of species-reassignment surgery.
(Pictured: Carp, Bro, FizzyWhizzy)
For those who would like to relieve themselves of their dignity and enter this competition, time is of the essence. Chanthavong has failed to specify an end date for this event, and when pressed for one he responded with "half past **** on the 23rd of go **** yourself. Or whenever I'm bored. Pick one." This means the competition could end at any moment, so those hoping to be crowned 'Ugliest Bastard in Torn' would do well to formulate an entry as soon as possible.
The only rules given by Chanthavong are that your photograph must include your name and the words 'Choke Me Leslie' - the latter being a nod to the strangling prize handed out in his notoriously unforgiving Spin the Wheel casino game. And in terms of strategy, partial nudity seems to have proven a successful approach in this type of competition, regardless of victory criteria.
Carp's leggy display has been joined by those of Fizzywhizzy, JustJanet and Blazescorch2, each of whom have bared some skin in a bid to secure the title. This effort has not gone unnoticed by Leslie Chanthavong, and in an attempt to see more of the same, he offered the following words of encouragement:
"Only thing worse than ugly bastard is seeing ugly bastard naked. Makes me sick in mouth that I have to swallow. But in small way, I like the taste."
Choke Me Leslie runs until half past **** on the 23rd of go **** yourself, and entries can be made here.
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