sugarvalves [1963573] —
Original article
>.
Elimination 2017 took another twist this morning when The Duke temporarily entered the competition on the side of the Pacifists. Torn's authorities granted the loan shark access to Elimination after he personally petitioned Chedburn to do so, with rumours swirling that Duke leveraged this deal off the back of some risqué glamour shots acquired from our leader's old Myspace account.
Duke's motivation for entering the tournament is believed to stem from a confusing encounter with a member of Pink Power, whereby Mr Calabrese was subject to a ruse concerning the gender of his temporary bedroom acquaintance. Enraged by the faux-femininity of his one-time lover, The Duke swore revenge on all those who have changed sex to gain entry into the female-only Elimination team.
I can exclusively reveal that a total of 204 members of Pink Power underwent gender reassignment surgery between the 15th of August and the beginning of the Elimination competition. With the backing of the authorities, Duke will mercilessly assault each and every one of these fake females until Pink Power is eliminated. No other players or teams will be attacked, and the Duke has sworn to exit the competition as soon as Pink Power is dispatched. Nevertheless, it remains to be seen how his intervention will affect the competition's outcome, and Calabrese's entry into the event has left the community more divided than a really big cake at a wedding.
This drama comes in the wake of revelations via the forum that the Pink Power hierarchy will accept bribes from other teams to rig the competition and allow the highest bidders to finish in second or third place. In a post authored by one of Pink Power's genuine vagina-owners, Sky, the self-professed official PP ambassador opened her team up to such offers in a brazen attempt to extort money from their rivals. In light of this, Duke's attempt to remove Pink Power from Elimination looks nothing short of heroic.
Some would call him Torn's very own Nelson Mandela, others have referenced the likes of Malala and Princess Diana. It is the opinion of this reporter that such comparisons are both offensive and insulting. The Duke is a finer human being than all of these people put together.
(Pictured: Three people who wish they were Duke)
In personal correspondence with myself, Sky admitted that her team have indeed received a cash offer to throw another team a fricken bone. And as for the potential threat of Duke, Sky initially seemed to brush off suggestions that the herpes-riddled meatball-fanatic could affect their chances of victory and financial gain.
"As the official Ambassador of Pink Power, we are open to negotiations. We have only had one offer of 10million at this point. If they added 2 0's to that, we could make it happen."
"Pink Power isn't afraid of Duke, unfortunately for him, attacks outside the competition seem to benefit us more than hurt us. Revives allow us to make hits on noobs on other teams without building up med cooldown."
However, when our initial conversation began, Sky was unaware that The Duke had joined the competition as a fully fledged member of the Pacifists. As soon she was made aware of that fact, Sky's tune changed to one that was a little less triumphant and slightly more cautious. Kind of like the music you'd hear in a horror film when you think everything's going to be okay, just before a really hot teenage girl gets stabbed in the thighs.
"Interesting play by Chedburn... He needs to make sure Duke's attacks don't influence Pacifist's score. If they hurt Pink Power that's one thing, but to bolster Pacifists impacts the other teams still in the competition. Pink Power is developing a plan of attack."
I put it to Sky that Duke's involvement represented a form of karma, with his brutal assault upon Pink Power a punishment for their ranks of chuffless chaps as well as their attempts to sell off second and third place like they were grandma's underwear on eBay. Sky disagreed, believing her side used real energy and tactics to get ahead, and that this made their actions fair and lawful.
As the most powerful team in the competition, Pink Power is still in a position to make anything happen. The fact this side contains two unified factions means any team within their sights can probably be eliminated within 24 hours. I do not know if the presence of Duke alone will affect this, but what I do know is that the capital of Turkmenistan is Ashgabat.
(Not pictured: Brutal oppression)
And while all of this silly business has been going on, we've had further changes to the scoring mechanism, more drama over betrayed alliances; oh, and four teams have been eliminated from the competition. At 5 pm this evening Short Bus were told to bugger off with 155 points. Their exit came after yesterday's departure of Illuminati which followed the elimination of Pirates and Murica in the two days prior.
Murica's top scorer abcd was not surprised by his side's early elimination; he knew they would be a target considering their relative lack of stats and members. However, he did believe that some of his fellow patriots sat on their arses somewhat and that the wooden spoon could've been avoided if more effort had been expended.
"I don't think every member should have done what I did but more effort from teammates would have been helpful. There are members of Murica who have much higher stats than me and much larger networths that didn't contribute hits. Some people gave up prematurely and ruined the team as well as the morale."
Second-placed Murica attacker Reformer added his own meat to this conversational stew, with his delicious offerings blending nicely with the flavour profile provided by his teammate abcd's tasty little sentiments.
"Our core weakness was not the lack of enthusiasm from our hitters, but the great number of non-participants. I find it strange seeing not even one hit emanating from members starting from page 16 through to 50 of the team's roster. Why would someone join a team if not eager to participate?"
Third top scorer Johnisbubba added some sweetness to the stew through his praise of his fellow big hitters, stating he would be happy to chain with them anytime. Aww, isn't that nice? While Johnisbubba did note the lack of activity from certain members, he also had a few harsh words for himself, for the heinous crime of allowing real life to interfere with Torn activities.
"Early on I did suspect a first round elimination was definitely a possibility. Lately I've been swamped in real life work routines so mobile playing has been my go to. That being said I should have put in more work with the group and coordinate things a little better. We had some great members though..."
"You can't always be the pigeon, some times you have to be the statue."
Continuing with John's delightful scatological theme, Pirates top scorer Dumachale- felt his team's chances were well and truly shat on by their inability to make friends with others.
"I assume we failed to build good relationship with others teams and that made us to leave early. Although I feeling satisfy for being top hitter in my team, it doesn't so long. I just achieved that my using my refills which got for the time I didn't play."
Green_Revolver, who filled the Pirates' number two position, concurred with this statement. How much did he concur? Well, you can find out after the break.
Welcome back!
"Nah I wasn't surprised at our early elimination we went hard at PP and paid the price when the alliance could band together and take them down."
"As for the top scorer I always go into all wars with the attention to hit as many as I can with as much E as I can so to be 2nd Best feels pretty good 1st would of been better though."
The Pirates can be proud of their showing this year. Not only have they improved on their last-place finish in 2016, but they've also managed to complain considerably less too. Elsewhere, in another time and dimension, I asked Illuminati top scorer Shwibbing why he thought that his side had gone out so early. After contemplating the situation using the power of his open third-eye, he believed it was the threat posed by the Illuminati which caught the attention of Pink Power - not that he regrets taking the fight to their masses of makeshift madams.
"Because we are the second threat to PP. I don't regret any[thing]... it was fun even tho there is unfairness... still fun."
Third-placed Illuminati marksman Nightmare was similarly unsurprised that he and his reptilian pals had swiftly followed the Pirates towards the exit flaps, as you'll see if you read these words which he sent me courtesy of his brain and fingers.
"We had been hammering on pink power from the beginning. I had 250+ out of 400 of my attacks on them to no effect. So when the hammer came down on us it was fully expected."
"I'm proud to have been able to 3rd for illuminati, I was being driven to compete by a friend Tenacious1 it was just luck I got 3rd and not him. Every time I logged in he was just ahead of me so had to pop my reserve fhc. Still he only finished 3hits behind me so having that was the key for me since being in MM last year I already had merits."
I also asked Nightmare for his opinions on Duke joining the fray, and unlike others who were more critical, he seemed to appreciate the potential for shenanigans Calabrese's arrival may bring.
"I must admit it brought a smile to my face. As with most teams top hitters we were being sat on by a lot of people, most from pink power. It thought it was a nice gesture from ched, it wasn't him doing nothing about this comp and how it went sour. I don't think it will make a difference anymore now that pirates and now us, who had been riding pink power from beginning trying to drop them are now eliminated though. So I hope Duke sits on pink power like the fat bully on the playground."
Will Duke come to sit on each and every member of Pink Power's faux-feminine army? If so, which part of them will he bestow his buttocks upon? The face? The chest? Good lord, not the coccyx!?! Pink Power were outright favourites for the Elimination title before Duke's entrance, but now, despite boasting double the attacks of most teams, PP find themselves in last place at the time of writing. This is a good thing, because while these lady-gents occupy the rear the rest of us are protected from seeing their tucked-up todgers protruding out the back like a funny little tail.
Meanwhile, at the other end of the competition, a score cap of 5,000 points has managed to keep things interesting - relatively speaking. I mean, sure, it's not as interesting as finding a dead body or a secret pirate treasure chest, but it is more interesting than hearing someone tell you about their dreams. When Elimination passed at 5 pm there were five teams within 100 points of each other - or six if you can't count and want to include Green Army for no good reason. As Elimination heads into its final week, only some kind of clairvoyant octopus could know how the competition will unfold.
Will Pink Power succumb to Duke's wrath? Will Leslie tuck and sign-up to help fight the good fight? How many of those who said they'd ditch their subscriptions will actually go through with it like a total badass? Oh, and who will win? That may also be an important thing to look out for.
Or, you could just look at this Faceapp collage of Duke and forget all your troubles.
Elimination 2017 took another twist this morning when The Duke temporarily entered the competition on the side of the Pacifists. Torn's authorities granted the loan shark access to Elimination after he personally petitioned Chedburn to do so, with rumours swirling that Duke leveraged this deal off the back of some risqué glamour shots acquired from our leader's old Myspace account.
Duke's motivation for entering the tournament is believed to stem from a confusing encounter with a member of Pink Power, whereby Mr Calabrese was subject to a ruse concerning the gender of his temporary bedroom acquaintance. Enraged by the faux-femininity of his one-time lover, The Duke swore revenge on all those who have changed sex to gain entry into the female-only Elimination team.
I can exclusively reveal that a total of 204 members of Pink Power underwent gender reassignment surgery between the 15th of August and the beginning of the Elimination competition. With the backing of the authorities, Duke will mercilessly assault each and every one of these fake females until Pink Power is eliminated. No other players or teams will be attacked, and the Duke has sworn to exit the competition as soon as Pink Power is dispatched. Nevertheless, it remains to be seen how his intervention will affect the competition's outcome, and Calabrese's entry into the event has left the community more divided than a really big cake at a wedding.
This drama comes in the wake of revelations via the forum that the Pink Power hierarchy will accept bribes from other teams to rig the competition and allow the highest bidders to finish in second or third place. In a post authored by one of Pink Power's genuine vagina-owners, Sky, the self-professed official PP ambassador opened her team up to such offers in a brazen attempt to extort money from their rivals. In light of this, Duke's attempt to remove Pink Power from Elimination looks nothing short of heroic.
Some would call him Torn's very own Nelson Mandela, others have referenced the likes of Malala and Princess Diana. It is the opinion of this reporter that such comparisons are both offensive and insulting. The Duke is a finer human being than all of these people put together.
(Pictured: Three people who wish they were Duke)
In personal correspondence with myself, Sky admitted that her team have indeed received a cash offer to throw another team a fricken bone. And as for the potential threat of Duke, Sky initially seemed to brush off suggestions that the herpes-riddled meatball-fanatic could affect their chances of victory and financial gain.
"As the official Ambassador of Pink Power, we are open to negotiations. We have only had one offer of 10million at this point. If they added 2 0's to that, we could make it happen."
"Pink Power isn't afraid of Duke, unfortunately for him, attacks outside the competition seem to benefit us more than hurt us. Revives allow us to make hits on noobs on other teams without building up med cooldown."
However, when our initial conversation began, Sky was unaware that The Duke had joined the competition as a fully fledged member of the Pacifists. As soon she was made aware of that fact, Sky's tune changed to one that was a little less triumphant and slightly more cautious. Kind of like the music you'd hear in a horror film when you think everything's going to be okay, just before a really hot teenage girl gets stabbed in the thighs.
"Interesting play by Chedburn... He needs to make sure Duke's attacks don't influence Pacifist's score. If they hurt Pink Power that's one thing, but to bolster Pacifists impacts the other teams still in the competition. Pink Power is developing a plan of attack."
I put it to Sky that Duke's involvement represented a form of karma, with his brutal assault upon Pink Power a punishment for their ranks of chuffless chaps as well as their attempts to sell off second and third place like they were grandma's underwear on eBay. Sky disagreed, believing her side used real energy and tactics to get ahead, and that this made their actions fair and lawful.
As the most powerful team in the competition, Pink Power is still in a position to make anything happen. The fact this side contains two unified factions means any team within their sights can probably be eliminated within 24 hours. I do not know if the presence of Duke alone will affect this, but what I do know is that the capital of Turkmenistan is Ashgabat.
(Not pictured: Brutal oppression)
And while all of this silly business has been going on, we've had further changes to the scoring mechanism, more drama over betrayed alliances; oh, and four teams have been eliminated from the competition. At 5 pm this evening Short Bus were told to bugger off with 155 points. Their exit came after yesterday's departure of Illuminati which followed the elimination of Pirates and Murica in the two days prior.
Murica's top scorer abcd was not surprised by his side's early elimination; he knew they would be a target considering their relative lack of stats and members. However, he did believe that some of his fellow patriots sat on their arses somewhat and that the wooden spoon could've been avoided if more effort had been expended.
"I don't think every member should have done what I did but more effort from teammates would have been helpful. There are members of Murica who have much higher stats than me and much larger networths that didn't contribute hits. Some people gave up prematurely and ruined the team as well as the morale."
Second-placed Murica attacker Reformer added his own meat to this conversational stew, with his delicious offerings blending nicely with the flavour profile provided by his teammate abcd's tasty little sentiments.
"Our core weakness was not the lack of enthusiasm from our hitters, but the great number of non-participants. I find it strange seeing not even one hit emanating from members starting from page 16 through to 50 of the team's roster. Why would someone join a team if not eager to participate?"
Third top scorer Johnisbubba added some sweetness to the stew through his praise of his fellow big hitters, stating he would be happy to chain with them anytime. Aww, isn't that nice? While Johnisbubba did note the lack of activity from certain members, he also had a few harsh words for himself, for the heinous crime of allowing real life to interfere with Torn activities.
"Early on I did suspect a first round elimination was definitely a possibility. Lately I've been swamped in real life work routines so mobile playing has been my go to. That being said I should have put in more work with the group and coordinate things a little better. We had some great members though..."
"You can't always be the pigeon, some times you have to be the statue."
Continuing with John's delightful scatological theme, Pirates top scorer Dumachale- felt his team's chances were well and truly shat on by their inability to make friends with others.
"I assume we failed to build good relationship with others teams and that made us to leave early. Although I feeling satisfy for being top hitter in my team, it doesn't so long. I just achieved that my using my refills which got for the time I didn't play."
Green_Revolver, who filled the Pirates' number two position, concurred with this statement. How much did he concur? Well, you can find out after the break.
Welcome back!
"Nah I wasn't surprised at our early elimination we went hard at PP and paid the price when the alliance could band together and take them down."
"As for the top scorer I always go into all wars with the attention to hit as many as I can with as much E as I can so to be 2nd Best feels pretty good 1st would of been better though."
The Pirates can be proud of their showing this year. Not only have they improved on their last-place finish in 2016, but they've also managed to complain considerably less too. Elsewhere, in another time and dimension, I asked Illuminati top scorer Shwibbing why he thought that his side had gone out so early. After contemplating the situation using the power of his open third-eye, he believed it was the threat posed by the Illuminati which caught the attention of Pink Power - not that he regrets taking the fight to their masses of makeshift madams.
"Because we are the second threat to PP. I don't regret any[thing]... it was fun even tho there is unfairness... still fun."
Third-placed Illuminati marksman Nightmare was similarly unsurprised that he and his reptilian pals had swiftly followed the Pirates towards the exit flaps, as you'll see if you read these words which he sent me courtesy of his brain and fingers.
"We had been hammering on pink power from the beginning. I had 250+ out of 400 of my attacks on them to no effect. So when the hammer came down on us it was fully expected."
"I'm proud to have been able to 3rd for illuminati, I was being driven to compete by a friend Tenacious1 it was just luck I got 3rd and not him. Every time I logged in he was just ahead of me so had to pop my reserve fhc. Still he only finished 3hits behind me so having that was the key for me since being in MM last year I already had merits."
I also asked Nightmare for his opinions on Duke joining the fray, and unlike others who were more critical, he seemed to appreciate the potential for shenanigans Calabrese's arrival may bring.
"I must admit it brought a smile to my face. As with most teams top hitters we were being sat on by a lot of people, most from pink power. It thought it was a nice gesture from ched, it wasn't him doing nothing about this comp and how it went sour. I don't think it will make a difference anymore now that pirates and now us, who had been riding pink power from beginning trying to drop them are now eliminated though. So I hope Duke sits on pink power like the fat bully on the playground."
Will Duke come to sit on each and every member of Pink Power's faux-feminine army? If so, which part of them will he bestow his buttocks upon? The face? The chest? Good lord, not the coccyx!?! Pink Power were outright favourites for the Elimination title before Duke's entrance, but now, despite boasting double the attacks of most teams, PP find themselves in last place at the time of writing. This is a good thing, because while these lady-gents occupy the rear the rest of us are protected from seeing their tucked-up todgers protruding out the back like a funny little tail.
Meanwhile, at the other end of the competition, a score cap of 5,000 points has managed to keep things interesting - relatively speaking. I mean, sure, it's not as interesting as finding a dead body or a secret pirate treasure chest, but it is more interesting than hearing someone tell you about their dreams. When Elimination passed at 5 pm there were five teams within 100 points of each other - or six if you can't count and want to include Green Army for no good reason. As Elimination heads into its final week, only some kind of clairvoyant octopus could know how the competition will unfold.
Will Pink Power succumb to Duke's wrath? Will Leslie tuck and sign-up to help fight the good fight? How many of those who said they'd ditch their subscriptions will actually go through with it like a total badass? Oh, and who will win? That may also be an important thing to look out for.
Or, you could just look at this Faceapp collage of Duke and forget all your troubles.
Original article
Comments
Post a Comment