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Two weeks ago a post by TV Director Pascal revealed that the next company type authorised to operate in Torn would be a mining corporation. The permit to found such a firm will cost $4.5billion, it will begin with a maximum of eight employees until upgraded, and the entry requirements for any vacancies will be high enough to prevent our city's stupidest, laziest and non-limber from ever gaining a position.
This news will undoubtedly prove distressing to those of us who are not bodybuilders, brainiacs or ballerinas, and it remains to be seen whether people with lesser abilities may be allowed to apply in future. After all, if a man with the intellectual ability of a cat turd can become the leader of the free world, how could any of us be judged unqualified to dig rocks out of the ground? And for anyone offended by that comment due to their political allegiance, I should warn you that your expressions of saltiness are soon to become heavily devalued.
Since the revelation that our next company will be some form of mine, the community has basted itself thoroughly with its own juicy rumours with regards as to the exact nature of this firm's output. Will it be a gold mine? Perhaps we'll have a uranium mine which allows our people unfettered access to radioactive materials? Some jokers even suggested that sodium will be the primary product produced by this firm, despite last month's Elimination saga proving Torn needs more salt as much as Hollywood actresses need a Roman Polanski biopic directed by Woody Allen and produced by Harvey Weinstein.
Nevertheless, this reporter can exclusively reveal that Torn's forthcoming mining industries will indeed focus on the extraction of salt from the earth. The desert plains on the outskirts of Torn City should provide an ample source of salt for many years to come, with this vague, unsubstantiated fact meant to dispel the notion that the Torn authorities chose a salt mine for purposes of self-amusement. Profits from this venture are expected to reach high nine-figure sums once the firm has been fully upgraded, and for the few individuals qualified to work there, a job at a salt mining corporation will provide some surprisingly sweet rewards.
I am unable to detail the specific nature of the salt mine specials having had myself and my family threatened with a severe brining. However, I can tell you that the boost "Rock Salt" may prove useful to those in possession of silica-based mandibles, and that "Thirsty Work" will make post-bender hangovers a little less painful to endure. Also, salt mine workers can expect to receive a small memento in exchange for job points, with the worthless item in question gaining value through trolling - should you wish to use it in such a way.
(Pictured: Are you tired of this? If so, there may soon be a solution - a saline solution)
The most valuable benefits are of course available at 7 and 10-star mining firms, and those offered by the salt mine could prove extremely useful during times of strife, carnage, catastrophe and fracas. The committee has debated the exact figures regarding these specials for some time now, with Chedburn believed to be close to finalising a set of values which make them useful without being overpowered. Having been given the names "Essential Salts" and "Preserved Meat", those who use them can expect to make gains in one of the three areas espoused by those "Live Laugh Love" signs everyone's aunt has hung up in their bathrooms.
(Pictured: My aunt is not a nice lady)
Chedburn has been quoted as saying that he hopes salt mines and their associated benefits will be available for launch within a matter of days. Should this imminent release fail to transpire, citizens are encouraged to keep the results of their own desalination processes firmly to themselves.
This news will undoubtedly prove distressing to those of us who are not bodybuilders, brainiacs or ballerinas, and it remains to be seen whether people with lesser abilities may be allowed to apply in future. After all, if a man with the intellectual ability of a cat turd can become the leader of the free world, how could any of us be judged unqualified to dig rocks out of the ground? And for anyone offended by that comment due to their political allegiance, I should warn you that your expressions of saltiness are soon to become heavily devalued.
Since the revelation that our next company will be some form of mine, the community has basted itself thoroughly with its own juicy rumours with regards as to the exact nature of this firm's output. Will it be a gold mine? Perhaps we'll have a uranium mine which allows our people unfettered access to radioactive materials? Some jokers even suggested that sodium will be the primary product produced by this firm, despite last month's Elimination saga proving Torn needs more salt as much as Hollywood actresses need a Roman Polanski biopic directed by Woody Allen and produced by Harvey Weinstein.
Nevertheless, this reporter can exclusively reveal that Torn's forthcoming mining industries will indeed focus on the extraction of salt from the earth. The desert plains on the outskirts of Torn City should provide an ample source of salt for many years to come, with this vague, unsubstantiated fact meant to dispel the notion that the Torn authorities chose a salt mine for purposes of self-amusement. Profits from this venture are expected to reach high nine-figure sums once the firm has been fully upgraded, and for the few individuals qualified to work there, a job at a salt mining corporation will provide some surprisingly sweet rewards.
I am unable to detail the specific nature of the salt mine specials having had myself and my family threatened with a severe brining. However, I can tell you that the boost "Rock Salt" may prove useful to those in possession of silica-based mandibles, and that "Thirsty Work" will make post-bender hangovers a little less painful to endure. Also, salt mine workers can expect to receive a small memento in exchange for job points, with the worthless item in question gaining value through trolling - should you wish to use it in such a way.
(Pictured: Are you tired of this? If so, there may soon be a solution - a saline solution)
The most valuable benefits are of course available at 7 and 10-star mining firms, and those offered by the salt mine could prove extremely useful during times of strife, carnage, catastrophe and fracas. The committee has debated the exact figures regarding these specials for some time now, with Chedburn believed to be close to finalising a set of values which make them useful without being overpowered. Having been given the names "Essential Salts" and "Preserved Meat", those who use them can expect to make gains in one of the three areas espoused by those "Live Laugh Love" signs everyone's aunt has hung up in their bathrooms.
(Pictured: My aunt is not a nice lady)
Chedburn has been quoted as saying that he hopes salt mines and their associated benefits will be available for launch within a matter of days. Should this imminent release fail to transpire, citizens are encouraged to keep the results of their own desalination processes firmly to themselves.
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