sugarvalves [1963573] —
Original article
The past few days have borne witness to a period of destruction more devastating than any faction conflict, more controversial than Janet Jackson's nip slip, and more inflammatory than anything Lena Dunham's imbecilic mind has ever tweeted. As such, we have three major stories to cover in today's roundup of news, and we shall begin with Kniv's stunning performance which saw him crowned Triple Dog Tag champion.
[Pictured: Next year's tags will be adorned with braille, so blinding was Kniv's glory]
Throughout the competition, a total of 319,184 tags were taken by 20,780 participants, with 3,320 good Samaritans having returned their opponents' tags during the 20-day event. Kniv's winning total of 1,773 tags was enough to earn him a frankly ridiculous score of 35,924 points, which represents an improvement of 13,118 on his 2016 tally. This works out as a 57% increase, compared to the 38% increase in actual tags from 1287 to 1773. Clearly, Kniv has been targeting the big boys with more ferocity this year, and having led since this newspaper first started paying attention, it's fair to say that he was never seriously threatened in his bid to become triple tag champion.
"Was behind from the start as usual, but still thought I had control, been knowing for a year now that I would win this time too."
In second place for the second consecutive year was Ofgortens, who shook off Td3h_'s attempts to unsettle him via the newspaper to end up with a comfortable 6,000+ lead over his rival. Ofgortens' tally of 920 tags and 26,156 points would've been enough for victory last year, but alas, like Christian Grey, Kniv was too dominant for him to fend off. Not that our champion expects such a comfortable ride every year, though, as when I asked him who he believes may challenge his hegemony, he told me that 2017's runner-up has the potential to go one step further next year.
"Ofgortens' two second places in a row he is a clear candidate. Only other person than him I can think off is Bruce-LeeFFS."
Bruce-LeeFFS did not place in the top 25, but clearly, Kniv has seen something in this sub-1000 day player to warrant his inclusion alongside such esteemed company. Third-placed Td3h_'s 19,547 points and 665 tags would've given him second place last year and victory the year before, but his apparent lack of a time machine makes this fact entirely irrelevant. What may prove amusing to some is that Td3h_, formerly known as Td3h before the competition, has seemingly lost the rights to his original name to Td3h having changed it to Td3hSEDb4bounty during the event. Perhaps his new name should be ThePlayerFormerlyKnownasT3dh.
[Pictured: Or he could use this. The original owner won't make a claim.]
Here's a hot little fact for you. Despite the runaway success of the top three, the scores required to reach the Dog Tag top 25 have remained roughly the same for the past three competitions. A score of between 5,317 and 5,735 has always been enough to hit the top 25 since the 2015 Dog Tag event, and while there were similar events organised before this, my motivation to research this is frankly nonexistent. It was before my time here, and therefore it doesn't matter.
As for the top 25 themselves, there were a total of seven level-100 players amongst their ranks, including 1st-placed Kniv, 4th-placed Christmasbazaar and 5th-placed Bodybagger - the latter's achievement being especially impressive due to his lack of participation in the competition's later stages. 2017's youngest top 25 player was Norm, a mere spring chicken of a lad as a level 70 player of just 936 days. The lowest level of the top 25 was 12th-placed Riverninny, who is currently a level 57. Ms Ninny was already the lowest level player ever to place in the top 25, having secured 23rd last year at level 23. Perhaps she too should be considered a contender for the title, if not next year, then certainly in future.
But until such a time as a decent challenger presents themselves, it seems that Kniv has the advantage so long as he chooses to compete. I asked him what he thought could be done about his rampant success, and Kniv suggested the competition should be ranked solely on the number of tags acquired, rather than using the current points system. Kniv feels this should give those with high battle stats less of an advantage, although, there is one other way our honourable champion can be prevented from securing a fourth straight title.
"I can be bought off to not enter. And I'm not demanding a lot. If you see me not entering next year, this is what has happened."
PRC Back On As GeorgeCostanza Steps In
The Professional Racing Championships were thrown into disarray last week when event organiser BackAlleyBob announced the cancellation of the event by editing the original forum post to place a series of complaints in its place. Thankfully, after consultation with Chedburn over a late night dinner of caviar, GeorgeCostanza has graciously agreed to run the event in Bob's stead, and the new competition starts on the 1st of December, with further details to be found here and at the end of this article, if you cannot be bothered to read on.
I spoke to GeorgeCostanza earlier today, and he implored Torn's petrolheads to lay off the PRC founder and instead turn their attention to supporting his revival of the event.
"I really don't want anything negative said about Bob and I've relayed that feeling to many. He created the PRC and ist he only reason Chedburn ever released a Bugatti and is doing so again. I just really enjoyed this event bringing attention to racing and could not let it die, a lot of people messaged me with that exact same sentiment, so it's really good to hear."
With a Bugatti and hundreds of millions of dollars up for grabs, news of the PRC's possible demise brought many in the racing community close to soiling themselves with abject fury - some people had spent a great deal of cash on upgrades in preparation for the competition. But with BackAlleyBob well liked among players and newspaper staff, our first concern was for his well being. What could have possibly forced Bob into abandoning his beloved PRC? Had a family member died? Was his dog run over by a Bugatti? Did his wife cheat on him with the summer PRC winner Stormcast?
[Pictured: Stormcast, who most people would sleep with just to get to stroke that damn handsome rabbit]
No. BackAlleyBob cancelled the PRC in retaliation for what he refers to as poor treatment by Destroys and Grif. In a private message to me, Bob told his version of events in a bid to clear up any confusion.
"I had a rough few days. All the s**t about me losing it over a faction issue was just the final straw upon my back. (I would hope others relate). It is no lie that I had a serious breakdown a few days ago. It is no lie that I screwed up and dumped everything that means anything to me in this game. When I cancelled the PRC, I blamed it on the way Destroys and Grif had treated me. However, that was just the final straw that broke me. I had been falling into a deep depression for quite some time prior to that event."
"In my delusional state, I began to believe that everyone in the game hated me. I began to believe no one appreciated any of the good things I had ever done. So, I cancelled the PRC thinking that would wake people up to ideas of what they would be missing by not having me in the game."
"As my head begins to clear now, I realize that the only one I hurt by doing that was myself. Now that my brain has been rebooted and my mind is coming back online to think like a rational person I would like to apologize to Destroys and Grif. Nothing that happened to me was their fault. They simply expressed how they felt about the ways in which I had been acting. For putting their names out there like that, I am truly sorry!"
"Now that I am putting my head together this is how I see it. This is a marketing ploy! Something to raise awareness! I will take back control in June and make it a spectacular event. There will be haters but then there have always been haters. It's the only way I see ever coming back from my 'Nut-Out'."
Everyone at the Torn City Times wishes Bob well and hopes he feels better soon. It would be a crying shame if someone as dedicated as Bob felt unmotivated to organise competitions like the PRC for the community. We all have our depressive moments now and then, some of us more than others, and in these times we react in ways we never normally would. We are not our true selves. Thankfully Bob seems to be emerging safely from this period, and it takes a lot to apologise for that when you're still recovering, so I would call upon everyone to give Bob a lovely kiss on the chops the next time they see him. And should Bob follow through on his promise to organise the Summer championships, this paper will back Bob and arrange for another Bugatti to be awarded to the winner.
In the meantime, GeorgeCostanza's version of the PRC gets underway this coming Friday, with the new boss making a few slight changes to the competition's rules. Entrants are no longer required to have sponsorship - which George and a few others found confusing and unnecessary - with individual racers paying $10million each to participate. This fee is only payable once you are qualified, with eight qualifiers of 100 players taking place from the 1st to the 8th of December to determine the final 48.
"I was debating waiving the fees (not charging) the $10m per qualifier, as the sponsor issue was raised and as a community event I wasn't sure if even qualifiers should be made to pay. But I was met with a resounding response to keep the fee to add to the prize pool. Even when I said I could get donations and pay out of pocket to keep the prize pool the same, I was requested to keep the fee and just add to the prizes."
After a knockout-style tournament of races across Speedway, Meltdown and Mudput, the final will be held, as is tradition, at a venue of the public's choosing. At present, the winner receives no cash alongside their Bugatti - which we can confirm is still up for grabs - whereas cash payouts ranging from 50 to 300million TCD will be awarded to those placing second to sixth. These amounts are subject to change depending on how much extra money is donated to the cause, or whether BackAlleyBob mounts a lawsuit against the competition after a late-night escape from the crazy house.
GeorgeCostanza has also chosen to offer a prize to the seventh-placed player, which is to be determined at the amusingly titled Bob's Burnout event. Named in homage to the event's founder, the race offers entrants knocked out at the Mudpit a chance of securing a $30million prize, but aside from this and the removal of sponsors, George plans to run the PRC in the same manner as BackAlleyBob. It seems Bob's ally Garfthegreat may also step in to run the bookies which is often an extremely popular part of the PRC experience.
Contrary to his earlier statements in the midst of his troubles, BackAlleyBob told me that he appreciates George's efforts stepping in when he fumbled the ball. While he doesn't agree with all of George's decisions, Bob seems glad that the racers will not be missing out. However, Bob also indicated to me that he feels like an idiot for adding elements such as sponsors considering how positive people have responded to their removal. These features took a long time for Bob to organise, and he believes that represents time wasted. But it wasn't.
The previous PRCs were a resounding success. That was solely down to Bob. He put his stamp on the competition, as he was entitled to do having put so much work into it. This next one will be different, and maybe it will inform changes to Bob's future events, or maybe it won't. That is entirely his prerogative. Bob should be proud of what he's achieved, and if this brief vacation from the competition helps him refine it in some way then that's a good thing, not something to be ashamed of.
So, all things being well, the Professional Racing Championships will overcome this little speed bump and storm home to victory over the coming month. Whereas last week, it seemed the PRC had just bounced off a pothole, mounted the pavement and smashed into a family of four, leaving them all in a coma and sentencing their pet puppies home alone to starve.
The Multihunter Is Active
One of Torn City's great plagues is over. The age of the multi is no more. And it is all thanks to one man who has been hired by Chedburn to clean up this dirty city of ours: The MultiHunter.
In case you aren't aware, multis are citizens who possess multiple fraudulent identities for financial gain. Ten separate people might be one lonely Korean guy sat naked in his basement. Four of your favourite customers, factionmates or employees might be the same lonely Korean man, or his charming wife Shin-hye, who is also naked and lonely.
[Pictured: The guy responsible for all of your friends. Rest assured, he is naked under his clothes.]
Multis destroy Torn's economy by allowing those who use them to gain an unfair financial advantage over their rivals. Chedburn's employment of the MultiHunter - believed to be of Bosnian heritage - will end such practices, tasked as he is with the identification and recovery of fraudulently obtained funds. Chedburn claims the MultiHunter has tracked down 1,034 offenders so far, with $499,598,231,807 in filthy lucre recovered from both fraudsters and innocent people alike.
What will be done with this money is not yet apparent, however, I did spy young Master Chedburn sporting a rather dazzling mink onesie this morning as he was making his way to the caviar and Ferrari shop. Some blameless players are up in arms over the MultiHunter's methods, as this fearsome fellow - presumably the owner of an intimidatingly wide throat - has taken hundreds of billions of dollars from players who have done absolutely nothing wrong. Or at the very least, they've done nothing wrong that the authorities know about.
A number of the affected transactions investigated by the MultiHunter go back as far as August 2015, and while it is only the profit that will be confiscated, some players have told of multi-billion dollar losses as a result of this investigation. Even our very own loan shark Duke has been stung by the MultiHunter, having been availed of over $1billion thanks to one of his loans being paid off with illegal multi funds.
However, for those who are crying into their illegally acquired milk, you should know that this act by Chedburn mirrors the procedure outside of Torn should you be caught with illegal goods or stolen cash. Just because you didn't steal it, it doesn't mean it is or was ever yours. Further complaints have been raised over the reportedly paltry sentences handed out to those in charge of multiple accounts, but Chedburn spoke to the TCT earlier today in a bid to alleviate concerns.
"It [the sentence] varies depending on the situation. If they had a lot of multis, fed sentences can vary from 7 to 999 days."
When pressed on how long he'd had that nice mink coat and why his breath was scented with the aroma of expensive fish eggs, Chedburn declined to comment.
[Pictured: Next year's tags will be adorned with braille, so blinding was Kniv's glory]
Throughout the competition, a total of 319,184 tags were taken by 20,780 participants, with 3,320 good Samaritans having returned their opponents' tags during the 20-day event. Kniv's winning total of 1,773 tags was enough to earn him a frankly ridiculous score of 35,924 points, which represents an improvement of 13,118 on his 2016 tally. This works out as a 57% increase, compared to the 38% increase in actual tags from 1287 to 1773. Clearly, Kniv has been targeting the big boys with more ferocity this year, and having led since this newspaper first started paying attention, it's fair to say that he was never seriously threatened in his bid to become triple tag champion.
"Was behind from the start as usual, but still thought I had control, been knowing for a year now that I would win this time too."
In second place for the second consecutive year was Ofgortens, who shook off Td3h_'s attempts to unsettle him via the newspaper to end up with a comfortable 6,000+ lead over his rival. Ofgortens' tally of 920 tags and 26,156 points would've been enough for victory last year, but alas, like Christian Grey, Kniv was too dominant for him to fend off. Not that our champion expects such a comfortable ride every year, though, as when I asked him who he believes may challenge his hegemony, he told me that 2017's runner-up has the potential to go one step further next year.
"Ofgortens' two second places in a row he is a clear candidate. Only other person than him I can think off is Bruce-LeeFFS."
Bruce-LeeFFS did not place in the top 25, but clearly, Kniv has seen something in this sub-1000 day player to warrant his inclusion alongside such esteemed company. Third-placed Td3h_'s 19,547 points and 665 tags would've given him second place last year and victory the year before, but his apparent lack of a time machine makes this fact entirely irrelevant. What may prove amusing to some is that Td3h_, formerly known as Td3h before the competition, has seemingly lost the rights to his original name to Td3h having changed it to Td3hSEDb4bounty during the event. Perhaps his new name should be ThePlayerFormerlyKnownasT3dh.
[Pictured: Or he could use this. The original owner won't make a claim.]
Here's a hot little fact for you. Despite the runaway success of the top three, the scores required to reach the Dog Tag top 25 have remained roughly the same for the past three competitions. A score of between 5,317 and 5,735 has always been enough to hit the top 25 since the 2015 Dog Tag event, and while there were similar events organised before this, my motivation to research this is frankly nonexistent. It was before my time here, and therefore it doesn't matter.
As for the top 25 themselves, there were a total of seven level-100 players amongst their ranks, including 1st-placed Kniv, 4th-placed Christmasbazaar and 5th-placed Bodybagger - the latter's achievement being especially impressive due to his lack of participation in the competition's later stages. 2017's youngest top 25 player was Norm, a mere spring chicken of a lad as a level 70 player of just 936 days. The lowest level of the top 25 was 12th-placed Riverninny, who is currently a level 57. Ms Ninny was already the lowest level player ever to place in the top 25, having secured 23rd last year at level 23. Perhaps she too should be considered a contender for the title, if not next year, then certainly in future.
But until such a time as a decent challenger presents themselves, it seems that Kniv has the advantage so long as he chooses to compete. I asked him what he thought could be done about his rampant success, and Kniv suggested the competition should be ranked solely on the number of tags acquired, rather than using the current points system. Kniv feels this should give those with high battle stats less of an advantage, although, there is one other way our honourable champion can be prevented from securing a fourth straight title.
"I can be bought off to not enter. And I'm not demanding a lot. If you see me not entering next year, this is what has happened."
PRC Back On As GeorgeCostanza Steps In
The Professional Racing Championships were thrown into disarray last week when event organiser BackAlleyBob announced the cancellation of the event by editing the original forum post to place a series of complaints in its place. Thankfully, after consultation with Chedburn over a late night dinner of caviar, GeorgeCostanza has graciously agreed to run the event in Bob's stead, and the new competition starts on the 1st of December, with further details to be found here and at the end of this article, if you cannot be bothered to read on.
I spoke to GeorgeCostanza earlier today, and he implored Torn's petrolheads to lay off the PRC founder and instead turn their attention to supporting his revival of the event.
"I really don't want anything negative said about Bob and I've relayed that feeling to many. He created the PRC and ist he only reason Chedburn ever released a Bugatti and is doing so again. I just really enjoyed this event bringing attention to racing and could not let it die, a lot of people messaged me with that exact same sentiment, so it's really good to hear."
With a Bugatti and hundreds of millions of dollars up for grabs, news of the PRC's possible demise brought many in the racing community close to soiling themselves with abject fury - some people had spent a great deal of cash on upgrades in preparation for the competition. But with BackAlleyBob well liked among players and newspaper staff, our first concern was for his well being. What could have possibly forced Bob into abandoning his beloved PRC? Had a family member died? Was his dog run over by a Bugatti? Did his wife cheat on him with the summer PRC winner Stormcast?
[Pictured: Stormcast, who most people would sleep with just to get to stroke that damn handsome rabbit]
No. BackAlleyBob cancelled the PRC in retaliation for what he refers to as poor treatment by Destroys and Grif. In a private message to me, Bob told his version of events in a bid to clear up any confusion.
"I had a rough few days. All the s**t about me losing it over a faction issue was just the final straw upon my back. (I would hope others relate). It is no lie that I had a serious breakdown a few days ago. It is no lie that I screwed up and dumped everything that means anything to me in this game. When I cancelled the PRC, I blamed it on the way Destroys and Grif had treated me. However, that was just the final straw that broke me. I had been falling into a deep depression for quite some time prior to that event."
"In my delusional state, I began to believe that everyone in the game hated me. I began to believe no one appreciated any of the good things I had ever done. So, I cancelled the PRC thinking that would wake people up to ideas of what they would be missing by not having me in the game."
"As my head begins to clear now, I realize that the only one I hurt by doing that was myself. Now that my brain has been rebooted and my mind is coming back online to think like a rational person I would like to apologize to Destroys and Grif. Nothing that happened to me was their fault. They simply expressed how they felt about the ways in which I had been acting. For putting their names out there like that, I am truly sorry!"
"Now that I am putting my head together this is how I see it. This is a marketing ploy! Something to raise awareness! I will take back control in June and make it a spectacular event. There will be haters but then there have always been haters. It's the only way I see ever coming back from my 'Nut-Out'."
Everyone at the Torn City Times wishes Bob well and hopes he feels better soon. It would be a crying shame if someone as dedicated as Bob felt unmotivated to organise competitions like the PRC for the community. We all have our depressive moments now and then, some of us more than others, and in these times we react in ways we never normally would. We are not our true selves. Thankfully Bob seems to be emerging safely from this period, and it takes a lot to apologise for that when you're still recovering, so I would call upon everyone to give Bob a lovely kiss on the chops the next time they see him. And should Bob follow through on his promise to organise the Summer championships, this paper will back Bob and arrange for another Bugatti to be awarded to the winner.
In the meantime, GeorgeCostanza's version of the PRC gets underway this coming Friday, with the new boss making a few slight changes to the competition's rules. Entrants are no longer required to have sponsorship - which George and a few others found confusing and unnecessary - with individual racers paying $10million each to participate. This fee is only payable once you are qualified, with eight qualifiers of 100 players taking place from the 1st to the 8th of December to determine the final 48.
"I was debating waiving the fees (not charging) the $10m per qualifier, as the sponsor issue was raised and as a community event I wasn't sure if even qualifiers should be made to pay. But I was met with a resounding response to keep the fee to add to the prize pool. Even when I said I could get donations and pay out of pocket to keep the prize pool the same, I was requested to keep the fee and just add to the prizes."
After a knockout-style tournament of races across Speedway, Meltdown and Mudput, the final will be held, as is tradition, at a venue of the public's choosing. At present, the winner receives no cash alongside their Bugatti - which we can confirm is still up for grabs - whereas cash payouts ranging from 50 to 300million TCD will be awarded to those placing second to sixth. These amounts are subject to change depending on how much extra money is donated to the cause, or whether BackAlleyBob mounts a lawsuit against the competition after a late-night escape from the crazy house.
GeorgeCostanza has also chosen to offer a prize to the seventh-placed player, which is to be determined at the amusingly titled Bob's Burnout event. Named in homage to the event's founder, the race offers entrants knocked out at the Mudpit a chance of securing a $30million prize, but aside from this and the removal of sponsors, George plans to run the PRC in the same manner as BackAlleyBob. It seems Bob's ally Garfthegreat may also step in to run the bookies which is often an extremely popular part of the PRC experience.
Contrary to his earlier statements in the midst of his troubles, BackAlleyBob told me that he appreciates George's efforts stepping in when he fumbled the ball. While he doesn't agree with all of George's decisions, Bob seems glad that the racers will not be missing out. However, Bob also indicated to me that he feels like an idiot for adding elements such as sponsors considering how positive people have responded to their removal. These features took a long time for Bob to organise, and he believes that represents time wasted. But it wasn't.
The previous PRCs were a resounding success. That was solely down to Bob. He put his stamp on the competition, as he was entitled to do having put so much work into it. This next one will be different, and maybe it will inform changes to Bob's future events, or maybe it won't. That is entirely his prerogative. Bob should be proud of what he's achieved, and if this brief vacation from the competition helps him refine it in some way then that's a good thing, not something to be ashamed of.
So, all things being well, the Professional Racing Championships will overcome this little speed bump and storm home to victory over the coming month. Whereas last week, it seemed the PRC had just bounced off a pothole, mounted the pavement and smashed into a family of four, leaving them all in a coma and sentencing their pet puppies home alone to starve.
The Multihunter Is Active
One of Torn City's great plagues is over. The age of the multi is no more. And it is all thanks to one man who has been hired by Chedburn to clean up this dirty city of ours: The MultiHunter.
In case you aren't aware, multis are citizens who possess multiple fraudulent identities for financial gain. Ten separate people might be one lonely Korean guy sat naked in his basement. Four of your favourite customers, factionmates or employees might be the same lonely Korean man, or his charming wife Shin-hye, who is also naked and lonely.
[Pictured: The guy responsible for all of your friends. Rest assured, he is naked under his clothes.]
Multis destroy Torn's economy by allowing those who use them to gain an unfair financial advantage over their rivals. Chedburn's employment of the MultiHunter - believed to be of Bosnian heritage - will end such practices, tasked as he is with the identification and recovery of fraudulently obtained funds. Chedburn claims the MultiHunter has tracked down 1,034 offenders so far, with $499,598,231,807 in filthy lucre recovered from both fraudsters and innocent people alike.
What will be done with this money is not yet apparent, however, I did spy young Master Chedburn sporting a rather dazzling mink onesie this morning as he was making his way to the caviar and Ferrari shop. Some blameless players are up in arms over the MultiHunter's methods, as this fearsome fellow - presumably the owner of an intimidatingly wide throat - has taken hundreds of billions of dollars from players who have done absolutely nothing wrong. Or at the very least, they've done nothing wrong that the authorities know about.
A number of the affected transactions investigated by the MultiHunter go back as far as August 2015, and while it is only the profit that will be confiscated, some players have told of multi-billion dollar losses as a result of this investigation. Even our very own loan shark Duke has been stung by the MultiHunter, having been availed of over $1billion thanks to one of his loans being paid off with illegal multi funds.
However, for those who are crying into their illegally acquired milk, you should know that this act by Chedburn mirrors the procedure outside of Torn should you be caught with illegal goods or stolen cash. Just because you didn't steal it, it doesn't mean it is or was ever yours. Further complaints have been raised over the reportedly paltry sentences handed out to those in charge of multiple accounts, but Chedburn spoke to the TCT earlier today in a bid to alleviate concerns.
"It [the sentence] varies depending on the situation. If they had a lot of multis, fed sentences can vary from 7 to 999 days."
When pressed on how long he'd had that nice mink coat and why his breath was scented with the aroma of expensive fish eggs, Chedburn declined to comment.
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