sugarvalves [1963573] —
Original article
This week's edition of the Torn City Times will be the last bulletin of the year, with next Monday's slot to be filled by a Tornography as our staff busy themselves arguing about Donald Trump and Brexit over mother's overcooked poultry. But first, we've got plenty of deliciously moist breast meat for you to tuck into, including news of Christmas Town, competitions galore and a rundown of the latest results in the Professional Racing Championships.
Winter PRC Quarter Finals
In the small hours of Sunday morning the last of the Professional Racing Championship heats concluded with victory for Solenoid, who was joined by summer finalists RogueHomer and ToxicMonkeyMZC in making it through to the quarterfinals.
This story of this year's Winter PRC has thus far been dominated by the underdog, with several low-ranked drivers ousting more experienced rivals to qualify at their expense. Sadly, many of these underdogs have now been sent upstate to live on a farm, with just two of the bottom ten-ranked drivers remaining in the competition at the time of writing.
Sorry old boy, you're just no good on a track like Speedway
Heat 3 saw ScHiZoPhReNiC earn his quarter-final place courtesy of an eight-second victory over fellow qualifiers Tiller and DiamondAce. This result meant that the plucky Semiramis failed to make it through, and she was forced to don the loser's poncho alongside fellow failures Chiubiz and DarkManV. In Heat 4 Sky became the third woman to qualify for the quarters, with her second-placed finish helping her go through behind Broly in first and Miro in third.
Heat 5 was a different goose altogether, though, as 9.8-rated BuIIet shocked everyone and their mother by inserting himself into the last eight without so much as a single drop of lubricant. The makeup of this heat guaranteed there would be at least one low-ranked driver through to the quarters since BuIIet was joined by fellow amateurs Silver_Rose, Ali_Looya and Stretch in this round. But with Tiller taking first and DiamondAce securing third, the eliminated underdogs must now be content to live vicariously through BuIIet, as if he were the son of a man who swears he could've played pro baseball if his knees hadn't given out.
I know you're tired but I swear to god if you hit one more fly ball I'll break your damn fingers. I love you son
BuIIet now stands as the tournament's lowest-ranked competitor, with Miros' 15.9 Driver Skill rating earning him the prestigious accolade of second-lowest-ranked-guy. His qualification as the winner of Heat 6 was a severe upset, as he outpaced DCLXVI (33.9) and garfthegreat (19.2) to romp home by a margin of twelve hot seconds. Abelard, JET67 and Wavelength were eliminated as a result, with each one receiving a commiseratory spoiled ham in recognition of their defeat.
Destroys, Barbari and Kaxuxo took the podium places in Heat 7, as Qualifier 7 winner Lindy_Lyson surprisingly failed to make the cut. This round also saw the PRC say goodbye to Dilandu and --Peepshow--, and there were tears aplenty as the pair's consolation hug turned into an embrace so passionate it had to be censored from onlooking children. The final heat was won by Solenoid, who sloshed home just 19 hundredths of a second ahead of RogueHomer in second. ToxicMonkeyMZC slotted in at third position, and this meant that anghel, KoNx and Fear had to hand over their locker room keycards, wash and return their ceremonial jockstraps and promise not to use the complimentary Wi-Fi for the duration of their stay.
The draw for the quarter-finals, therefore, looks like this:
Early this morning Nath posted the results of the first quarterfinal held at Meltdown, where he managed to finish in second behind winner Stormcast. Third place went to IAMNEWB, and this result meant that Data was eliminated, removing the highest ranked driver to have publically revealed his driver skill level - 61.3. Another high-ranked driver, Violence, also failed to make it through, but the sob story of the round was the tragic exit of urbanmenace from the competition, with her partner Stormcast now able to tell people he's beaten his wife without seeming cruel.
The next quarter-final will take place as usual at 01:00am TCT, with the competition's remaining rounds to be played out on consecutive days in the run-up to Christmas. GeorgeCostanza has risked the wrath of his beloved, soon-to-pop partner by committing to this hectic schedule, although he remains adamant that the PRC will be wrapped up and gift tagged before Herr Claus pays his annual visit.
"Ok so heats have today and 2 more days, so last runs on 16th, then 4 races in next round - 20th, 2 races - 22nd, then bobs burnouts on the 23rd and showdown on 24th...f**king merry christmas XD."
"If my numbers are right Squire's Showdown runs on the Christmas Eve, I'm gonna have a dickens of a time posting the winner on christmas... lol. I'll get it done though, I always manage."
GeorgeConstanza has more than managed, as he's put on a fantastic competition at late notice with very little encouragement from the increasingly erratic BackAlleyBob. But let Bob's comments take nothing away from what a fantastic tournament we've had so far; George should be commended for the effort he has and will continue to put in until all races have been run.
The Torn City Times will cover the results of the PRC in full upon our return to reporting on the 2nd of January. In the meantime, you can see reports from the latest races here.
Competitions Galore
The season of goodwill and getting free sh*t continues in earnest as a number of notable Torn personalities have generously offered up their free time to organise city-wide competitions and sweet-ass prizes.
One such individual is Tarun, who wishes to make citizens aware of the Battle of the Brains competition run by himself, Bablu and Anjan_002. The next BOB will be held from the 5th to the 7th of January 2018, with participants tested for their abilities in aptitude and reasoning via a series of questions posted on the main page of the thread.
Players have 24 hours to answer the questions posed, and those who respond via mail with the correct answer make it through to the next Tier of questions, with a total of three Tiers used to determine the winners. A $100,000,000 prize is on offer for the winning entrant, with $50,000,000 and $25,000,000 coughed up for second and third respectively.
Registration can be secured by sending $808,000 to Tarun along with the message BOB Fee. Alternatively, if you are under 51 days old, you may send him 101 beers with the same message in lieu of payment. Further details of the Battle of the Brains competition can be found here.
Elsewhere, there are several seasonal competitions underway which can be found in the Torn Community Events forum. Kate is currently running two competitions looking to find the Best Dressed Christmas Pet and the creator of the Best Photoshop Signature / Property Decoration. Meanwhile, Melted is running a Torn meme contest, while Cuffs and Fin are in charge of the Creepy Santa and Colouring Competitions respectively.
Leslie and Duke have also gotten in on the act, with the former offering up a turkey baster prize via his Master Baster event, and Duke supplying an unknown reward with regards to his Naughty or Nice Competition. It should be noted that this event is separate to day four of Duke's daily giveaway, where the best 25 entrants will soon receive an exclusive Santa's List item in return for exposing the nicest or naughtiest thing they have done this year.
Duke is expected to post further daily contests in the forums each day up to and including Christmas Day, with the rotund mafioso handing out items of increasing value as the day of our Lord's birth moves ever closer. Last week Duke took it upon himself to hand out over a thousand items of Poison Mistletoe to those who entered day one of his giveaway, and it seems this event was foreshadowed via a hint given in this very paper - a hint nobody managed to figure out.
This week, Duke has decided to be more overt in his attempts to boost your chances, and he has kindly supplied us with the following quote in regards to the fancy gifts handed out on Thursday's Day Eight Giveaway:
"There's some guy called Loneskum what used to be in the moneys business. He's a real good pal of mine what would pay his debts real quick. Anyways, hes got some fireworks business now or somethin and hes gettin real good at it. I wants him to use this to help me meet Matt Damon."
We at the Torn City Times regret to inform you that we have no f**king idea what Duke is on about, but if you do manage to figure it out, you are encouraged to contact Mr Calabrese at your earliest convenience to claim your special prize.
Christmas Town is Imminent
Barring any last minute atrocities the grand opening of Christmas Town should be out by the time we publish this article, and this year the authorities have promised us the most elaborate setup yet.
Families and felons alike will be sure to enjoy the many wondrous attractions on offer, including food stands, beverage stalls, a chance to meet Santa Claus and a whole heap of puzzles, prizes and more. Over 300 temporary workers are known to have perished during the construction of Christmas Town, and their dedication to the cause continues beyond the grave, with their remains having been ground up and used to grit the attraction's many winding pathways.
Christmas Town will remain open long after the last dried-up hunks of turkey have been fed to the cat, with its doors set to close over two weeks later on January 3rd. From everyone here at the Torn City Times, we wish you well on your travels through Christmas Town, and we hope that the time you are forced to spend with your loved ones is made somewhat bearable by the presence of narcotics, alcohol and carbohydrates.
Winter PRC Quarter Finals
In the small hours of Sunday morning the last of the Professional Racing Championship heats concluded with victory for Solenoid, who was joined by summer finalists RogueHomer and ToxicMonkeyMZC in making it through to the quarterfinals.
This story of this year's Winter PRC has thus far been dominated by the underdog, with several low-ranked drivers ousting more experienced rivals to qualify at their expense. Sadly, many of these underdogs have now been sent upstate to live on a farm, with just two of the bottom ten-ranked drivers remaining in the competition at the time of writing.
Sorry old boy, you're just no good on a track like Speedway
Heat 3 saw ScHiZoPhReNiC earn his quarter-final place courtesy of an eight-second victory over fellow qualifiers Tiller and DiamondAce. This result meant that the plucky Semiramis failed to make it through, and she was forced to don the loser's poncho alongside fellow failures Chiubiz and DarkManV. In Heat 4 Sky became the third woman to qualify for the quarters, with her second-placed finish helping her go through behind Broly in first and Miro in third.
Heat 5 was a different goose altogether, though, as 9.8-rated BuIIet shocked everyone and their mother by inserting himself into the last eight without so much as a single drop of lubricant. The makeup of this heat guaranteed there would be at least one low-ranked driver through to the quarters since BuIIet was joined by fellow amateurs Silver_Rose, Ali_Looya and Stretch in this round. But with Tiller taking first and DiamondAce securing third, the eliminated underdogs must now be content to live vicariously through BuIIet, as if he were the son of a man who swears he could've played pro baseball if his knees hadn't given out.
I know you're tired but I swear to god if you hit one more fly ball I'll break your damn fingers. I love you son
BuIIet now stands as the tournament's lowest-ranked competitor, with Miros' 15.9 Driver Skill rating earning him the prestigious accolade of second-lowest-ranked-guy. His qualification as the winner of Heat 6 was a severe upset, as he outpaced DCLXVI (33.9) and garfthegreat (19.2) to romp home by a margin of twelve hot seconds. Abelard, JET67 and Wavelength were eliminated as a result, with each one receiving a commiseratory spoiled ham in recognition of their defeat.
Destroys, Barbari and Kaxuxo took the podium places in Heat 7, as Qualifier 7 winner Lindy_Lyson surprisingly failed to make the cut. This round also saw the PRC say goodbye to Dilandu and --Peepshow--, and there were tears aplenty as the pair's consolation hug turned into an embrace so passionate it had to be censored from onlooking children. The final heat was won by Solenoid, who sloshed home just 19 hundredths of a second ahead of RogueHomer in second. ToxicMonkeyMZC slotted in at third position, and this meant that anghel, KoNx and Fear had to hand over their locker room keycards, wash and return their ceremonial jockstraps and promise not to use the complimentary Wi-Fi for the duration of their stay.
The draw for the quarter-finals, therefore, looks like this:
Early this morning Nath posted the results of the first quarterfinal held at Meltdown, where he managed to finish in second behind winner Stormcast. Third place went to IAMNEWB, and this result meant that Data was eliminated, removing the highest ranked driver to have publically revealed his driver skill level - 61.3. Another high-ranked driver, Violence, also failed to make it through, but the sob story of the round was the tragic exit of urbanmenace from the competition, with her partner Stormcast now able to tell people he's beaten his wife without seeming cruel.
The next quarter-final will take place as usual at 01:00am TCT, with the competition's remaining rounds to be played out on consecutive days in the run-up to Christmas. GeorgeCostanza has risked the wrath of his beloved, soon-to-pop partner by committing to this hectic schedule, although he remains adamant that the PRC will be wrapped up and gift tagged before Herr Claus pays his annual visit.
"Ok so heats have today and 2 more days, so last runs on 16th, then 4 races in next round - 20th, 2 races - 22nd, then bobs burnouts on the 23rd and showdown on 24th...f**king merry christmas XD."
"If my numbers are right Squire's Showdown runs on the Christmas Eve, I'm gonna have a dickens of a time posting the winner on christmas... lol. I'll get it done though, I always manage."
GeorgeConstanza has more than managed, as he's put on a fantastic competition at late notice with very little encouragement from the increasingly erratic BackAlleyBob. But let Bob's comments take nothing away from what a fantastic tournament we've had so far; George should be commended for the effort he has and will continue to put in until all races have been run.
The Torn City Times will cover the results of the PRC in full upon our return to reporting on the 2nd of January. In the meantime, you can see reports from the latest races here.
Competitions Galore
The season of goodwill and getting free sh*t continues in earnest as a number of notable Torn personalities have generously offered up their free time to organise city-wide competitions and sweet-ass prizes.
One such individual is Tarun, who wishes to make citizens aware of the Battle of the Brains competition run by himself, Bablu and Anjan_002. The next BOB will be held from the 5th to the 7th of January 2018, with participants tested for their abilities in aptitude and reasoning via a series of questions posted on the main page of the thread.
Players have 24 hours to answer the questions posed, and those who respond via mail with the correct answer make it through to the next Tier of questions, with a total of three Tiers used to determine the winners. A $100,000,000 prize is on offer for the winning entrant, with $50,000,000 and $25,000,000 coughed up for second and third respectively.
Registration can be secured by sending $808,000 to Tarun along with the message BOB Fee. Alternatively, if you are under 51 days old, you may send him 101 beers with the same message in lieu of payment. Further details of the Battle of the Brains competition can be found here.
Elsewhere, there are several seasonal competitions underway which can be found in the Torn Community Events forum. Kate is currently running two competitions looking to find the Best Dressed Christmas Pet and the creator of the Best Photoshop Signature / Property Decoration. Meanwhile, Melted is running a Torn meme contest, while Cuffs and Fin are in charge of the Creepy Santa and Colouring Competitions respectively.
Leslie and Duke have also gotten in on the act, with the former offering up a turkey baster prize via his Master Baster event, and Duke supplying an unknown reward with regards to his Naughty or Nice Competition. It should be noted that this event is separate to day four of Duke's daily giveaway, where the best 25 entrants will soon receive an exclusive Santa's List item in return for exposing the nicest or naughtiest thing they have done this year.
Duke is expected to post further daily contests in the forums each day up to and including Christmas Day, with the rotund mafioso handing out items of increasing value as the day of our Lord's birth moves ever closer. Last week Duke took it upon himself to hand out over a thousand items of Poison Mistletoe to those who entered day one of his giveaway, and it seems this event was foreshadowed via a hint given in this very paper - a hint nobody managed to figure out.
This week, Duke has decided to be more overt in his attempts to boost your chances, and he has kindly supplied us with the following quote in regards to the fancy gifts handed out on Thursday's Day Eight Giveaway:
"There's some guy called Loneskum what used to be in the moneys business. He's a real good pal of mine what would pay his debts real quick. Anyways, hes got some fireworks business now or somethin and hes gettin real good at it. I wants him to use this to help me meet Matt Damon."
We at the Torn City Times regret to inform you that we have no f**king idea what Duke is on about, but if you do manage to figure it out, you are encouraged to contact Mr Calabrese at your earliest convenience to claim your special prize.
Christmas Town is Imminent
Barring any last minute atrocities the grand opening of Christmas Town should be out by the time we publish this article, and this year the authorities have promised us the most elaborate setup yet.
Families and felons alike will be sure to enjoy the many wondrous attractions on offer, including food stands, beverage stalls, a chance to meet Santa Claus and a whole heap of puzzles, prizes and more. Over 300 temporary workers are known to have perished during the construction of Christmas Town, and their dedication to the cause continues beyond the grave, with their remains having been ground up and used to grit the attraction's many winding pathways.
Christmas Town will remain open long after the last dried-up hunks of turkey have been fed to the cat, with its doors set to close over two weeks later on January 3rd. From everyone here at the Torn City Times, we wish you well on your travels through Christmas Town, and we hope that the time you are forced to spend with your loved ones is made somewhat bearable by the presence of narcotics, alcohol and carbohydrates.
Original article
Comments
Post a Comment