sugarvalves [1963573] —
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This week's T.W.I.N. is packed with so much joy and mirth it could see its own family slaughtered before its very eyes and still not fail to crack a smile. We've got a story about Scrooge and why the city has forgotten him, all the latest happenings from the Professional Racing Competition's qualifying rounds, and a brief summary of what you can expect from the Torn City Times over the festive period. So go on then you malignant sow, read on, if you want to know more.
Records Broken as Scrooge Avoids Attack
As the festive season leaps upon us like an over-affectionate uncle, notorious curmudgeon Scrooge has reason to be thankful given Torn's apparent lack of interest in breaking his bones and smashing his gob off. He has now gone four days with barely a stabbing, shanking, slashing or garrotting to speak of, and many are beginning to wonder where Torn's collective balls have been relocated to.
The beating of this defenceless pensioner is one of our city's more shameful traditions, with citizens often eager to avail the frail old bastard of his snow cannon, diamond icicle and clothing once a year come Christmas time. However, despite wandering the streets in full view since the 1st of December, Scrooge's flesh has thus far remained mostly unmolested. Only a handful of attacks have been made against Scrooge so far, and nobody is quite sure why.
Pictured: Scrooge. It is not okay that he is okay.
The Torn City Times sought comment from Scrooge on this anomaly, only to receive the following curt response:
"Why won't they hurt me? I wish I was dead."
Scrooge later elaborated, revealing to the TCT that he has been keeping a deliberately low profile this year after his inflammatory statements drew a record number of attacks back in Christmas of 2016.
"Lots of people died in 2017. I want to join them. I'm saving myself so I can pass quietly in the snow on Christmas Eve, only to be discovered by some kids walking their dog the next morn. For my shrivelled corpse to ruin a child's Christmas is all I ever wanted."
Will Scrooge be granted his wish? It seems unlikely given that we've exposed his lack of assaults via this very article. And with several unique items on offer to those who successfully beat the s**t out of this elderly, vinegar-soaked swine, the temptation to do so will surely prove too much before long.
PRC Qualifiers See Huge Turnout
The qualifiers for the Professional Racing Championships are now well underway, with today's event marking the fourth of eight sessions which shall determine the entrants for the main competition. Event organiser GeorgeCostanza has revealed that every qualifier has filled up its 100 driver quota well before race time so far. And with just five races left to go, time is running out for those who want a shot at the first place prize of a Bugatti and one billion dollars.
Pictured: The guy you could be as cool as, if only you tried.
The prize pot has swollen like a fat kid in a pie shop thanks to multi-million dollar donations from Bogie, Hell-Fire, Squire, JET67, Destroys and Duke, with these generous contributions also enabling payouts of $600million and $250million for the second and third place drivers respectively. It is a sobering thought that if one were to add up all that money and send it to Africa, you would have enough to construct hundreds of gold-bottomed swimming pools for even the most pernickety of tinpot dictators.
Today's qualifying race opened for registration at 13:00 pm TCT and is already gaining massive interest, so those looking to compete should endeavour to register their entry as soon as possible before the 01:00 am deadline. Registrations are possible for twelve hours following the announcement of a qualifier, but with such fancy prizes on offer, it is no surprise that these slots are filling up quicker than daddy discount day at the local brothel.
The first qualifier filled up three hours before the deadline, with Data, Ozz, Guy_Smiley, Crabster, Violence and Urbanmenace the first speedsters to make it through to the competition proper. Outside of the sextet of qualifiers, an early prize winner from this race was -OXO-, who took home the Destroys award for the first driver to crash. From everyone at the Torn City Times, get well soon -OXO-, you'll be eating solid food and wiping yourself within no time.
But -OXO- wasn't the only one to fall foul in the opening qualifier, with last year's champion Stormcast limping home like a soon-to-be-shotgunned horse in 29th place. The champ later secured his seat in the finals courtesy of a second-place finish in the second qualifier, with Stormcast joined by LumbricuS, Nath, Hammer, IAMNEWB and Thundem.
Interestingly, interim PRC boss GeorgeCostanza finished just outside the competition in seventh place, and last year's finalist says he sees no reason why he shouldn't continue to compete in the competition like a real human man.
"I gain no advantage over any drivers so I didn't see a reason to DQ myself."
Nobody seems to have complained regarding George's participation so far, but what some people have objected to is his request to reveal their driver skill figure.
"I've been really trying to collect Driver Skill from the qualifiers, not sure if there is any way to subtly bring that up as a good idea rather than a digital prostate exam...didn't know people would be so resistant to share...you'd think I was asking their weight or battle stats or something lol."
One driver who has revealed his skill level is last year's fourth-placed Dunmugmeh, whose 26.1 rating has not been enough to secure qualification so far. Someone who has made it through is Alexstrasza, who clinched victory in the third qualifier by 0.48 seconds. Alexstrasza, a.k.a. Nash, was followed by Chiubiz in second and last year's runner-up ScHiZoPhReNiC in third. Semiramis, DarkManV and Archimede made up the remaining three qualifiers, and the results of tonight's fourth qualifying race will be posted on the official thread here when it finishes - or beforehand, if it's a fix.
I asked George what he thought of the competition so far, and he seemed pleased with what he had seen. He commented on the surprising spread of cars which qualified via the Docks-based races, and the positive response his stewardship of the PRC has received from the community already. George was also keen to point out how, with four qualifiers remaining, there are still many chances for other drivers to qualify.
"Each time six drivers qualify, so it pulls the best racers out of future qualifiers giving everyone a better chance of a qualifying in the next race, since qualifiers don't join any more qualifying races once they qualify."
If any prospective entrants have any questions regarding the qualification process, entry requirements or who they can bribe to cause a four-way horror smash, GeorgeCostanza wishes it to be known that he is available to answer your queries. You may send him your questions, compliments or appreciative nudes here.
Christmas Disruptions
This year both Christmas Day and New Year's Day fall on a Monday, which is also the traditional day of publication for the articles of the Torn City Times. It seems the founders of the Christian faith felt this clash was of little or no importance when they hijacked a pagan festival to celebrate the birth of their bearded wizard-lord two millennia ago. Is it too much to ask for the world's major religions to give more than scant consideration to the needs of the reporting staff in an online crime world?
Apparently so.
Alas, with our scribes sent away to indulge in copious amounts of eggnog and poultry, the Times will be publishing several player Tornographies in lieu of our usual content over the Christmas period. Feature interviews have already been conducted for the likes of Champion, Bogie and AOW_DUDE - yes, we really did that - and the results of these conversations shall hopefully be made available during the yuletide perineum which falls between the 25th of December and the 1st of January.
Should any members of the public have any burning questions for this trio of forum favourites, feel free to sling them my way, and I shall do my reasonable best to acquire you an answer.
Records Broken as Scrooge Avoids Attack
As the festive season leaps upon us like an over-affectionate uncle, notorious curmudgeon Scrooge has reason to be thankful given Torn's apparent lack of interest in breaking his bones and smashing his gob off. He has now gone four days with barely a stabbing, shanking, slashing or garrotting to speak of, and many are beginning to wonder where Torn's collective balls have been relocated to.
The beating of this defenceless pensioner is one of our city's more shameful traditions, with citizens often eager to avail the frail old bastard of his snow cannon, diamond icicle and clothing once a year come Christmas time. However, despite wandering the streets in full view since the 1st of December, Scrooge's flesh has thus far remained mostly unmolested. Only a handful of attacks have been made against Scrooge so far, and nobody is quite sure why.
Pictured: Scrooge. It is not okay that he is okay.
The Torn City Times sought comment from Scrooge on this anomaly, only to receive the following curt response:
"Why won't they hurt me? I wish I was dead."
Scrooge later elaborated, revealing to the TCT that he has been keeping a deliberately low profile this year after his inflammatory statements drew a record number of attacks back in Christmas of 2016.
"Lots of people died in 2017. I want to join them. I'm saving myself so I can pass quietly in the snow on Christmas Eve, only to be discovered by some kids walking their dog the next morn. For my shrivelled corpse to ruin a child's Christmas is all I ever wanted."
Will Scrooge be granted his wish? It seems unlikely given that we've exposed his lack of assaults via this very article. And with several unique items on offer to those who successfully beat the s**t out of this elderly, vinegar-soaked swine, the temptation to do so will surely prove too much before long.
PRC Qualifiers See Huge Turnout
The qualifiers for the Professional Racing Championships are now well underway, with today's event marking the fourth of eight sessions which shall determine the entrants for the main competition. Event organiser GeorgeCostanza has revealed that every qualifier has filled up its 100 driver quota well before race time so far. And with just five races left to go, time is running out for those who want a shot at the first place prize of a Bugatti and one billion dollars.
Pictured: The guy you could be as cool as, if only you tried.
The prize pot has swollen like a fat kid in a pie shop thanks to multi-million dollar donations from Bogie, Hell-Fire, Squire, JET67, Destroys and Duke, with these generous contributions also enabling payouts of $600million and $250million for the second and third place drivers respectively. It is a sobering thought that if one were to add up all that money and send it to Africa, you would have enough to construct hundreds of gold-bottomed swimming pools for even the most pernickety of tinpot dictators.
Today's qualifying race opened for registration at 13:00 pm TCT and is already gaining massive interest, so those looking to compete should endeavour to register their entry as soon as possible before the 01:00 am deadline. Registrations are possible for twelve hours following the announcement of a qualifier, but with such fancy prizes on offer, it is no surprise that these slots are filling up quicker than daddy discount day at the local brothel.
The first qualifier filled up three hours before the deadline, with Data, Ozz, Guy_Smiley, Crabster, Violence and Urbanmenace the first speedsters to make it through to the competition proper. Outside of the sextet of qualifiers, an early prize winner from this race was -OXO-, who took home the Destroys award for the first driver to crash. From everyone at the Torn City Times, get well soon -OXO-, you'll be eating solid food and wiping yourself within no time.
But -OXO- wasn't the only one to fall foul in the opening qualifier, with last year's champion Stormcast limping home like a soon-to-be-shotgunned horse in 29th place. The champ later secured his seat in the finals courtesy of a second-place finish in the second qualifier, with Stormcast joined by LumbricuS, Nath, Hammer, IAMNEWB and Thundem.
Interestingly, interim PRC boss GeorgeCostanza finished just outside the competition in seventh place, and last year's finalist says he sees no reason why he shouldn't continue to compete in the competition like a real human man.
"I gain no advantage over any drivers so I didn't see a reason to DQ myself."
Nobody seems to have complained regarding George's participation so far, but what some people have objected to is his request to reveal their driver skill figure.
"I've been really trying to collect Driver Skill from the qualifiers, not sure if there is any way to subtly bring that up as a good idea rather than a digital prostate exam...didn't know people would be so resistant to share...you'd think I was asking their weight or battle stats or something lol."
One driver who has revealed his skill level is last year's fourth-placed Dunmugmeh, whose 26.1 rating has not been enough to secure qualification so far. Someone who has made it through is Alexstrasza, who clinched victory in the third qualifier by 0.48 seconds. Alexstrasza, a.k.a. Nash, was followed by Chiubiz in second and last year's runner-up ScHiZoPhReNiC in third. Semiramis, DarkManV and Archimede made up the remaining three qualifiers, and the results of tonight's fourth qualifying race will be posted on the official thread here when it finishes - or beforehand, if it's a fix.
I asked George what he thought of the competition so far, and he seemed pleased with what he had seen. He commented on the surprising spread of cars which qualified via the Docks-based races, and the positive response his stewardship of the PRC has received from the community already. George was also keen to point out how, with four qualifiers remaining, there are still many chances for other drivers to qualify.
"Each time six drivers qualify, so it pulls the best racers out of future qualifiers giving everyone a better chance of a qualifying in the next race, since qualifiers don't join any more qualifying races once they qualify."
If any prospective entrants have any questions regarding the qualification process, entry requirements or who they can bribe to cause a four-way horror smash, GeorgeCostanza wishes it to be known that he is available to answer your queries. You may send him your questions, compliments or appreciative nudes here.
Christmas Disruptions
This year both Christmas Day and New Year's Day fall on a Monday, which is also the traditional day of publication for the articles of the Torn City Times. It seems the founders of the Christian faith felt this clash was of little or no importance when they hijacked a pagan festival to celebrate the birth of their bearded wizard-lord two millennia ago. Is it too much to ask for the world's major religions to give more than scant consideration to the needs of the reporting staff in an online crime world?
Apparently so.
Alas, with our scribes sent away to indulge in copious amounts of eggnog and poultry, the Times will be publishing several player Tornographies in lieu of our usual content over the Christmas period. Feature interviews have already been conducted for the likes of Champion, Bogie and AOW_DUDE - yes, we really did that - and the results of these conversations shall hopefully be made available during the yuletide perineum which falls between the 25th of December and the 1st of January.
Should any members of the public have any burning questions for this trio of forum favourites, feel free to sling them my way, and I shall do my reasonable best to acquire you an answer.
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