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The qualifying rounds for the Professional Racing Championships came to an end on Saturday, signifying the start of the competition proper as a 48-way fight gets underway in a bid to crown a new super fast driving car champion person of the world - winter edition. Anyone who hasn't qualified by now must wait until the summer for another shot at a PRC title and the much-coveted Bugatti, and when you see some of the absolute trashbags (low ranked players) who have qualified, some of you might kick yourselves for not having entered.
December 12th saw BrocketIII take first place in Heat 4, with Sky and RevLitterbox following up in second and third place. 2016's summer champion PISolo finished fourth and was joined by Broly and Miro in qualifying for the finals, but it was Heat 5 which proved to be the most surprising round of the competition so far, as two amateur racers crashed the party to qualify ahead of their more experienced rivals.
JFK's Officer Tiller won the December 13th heat, but it was 9.89 rated BuIIet who took the plaudits after finishing in an astonishing second place. Ali_Looya's third-place finish was also highly commendable with her rating of just 14.7 making her the fifth-lowest ranked driver in the competition. The fourth qualifier from Heat 5 was DiamondAce, finishing only two seconds ahead of the lowest-ranked qualifier Stretch, who belied his 7.3 rating to put in an incredible performance that will echo throughout the ages.
Stretch's telekinetic ability to read the private thoughts of his rivals may or may not have proven useful.
The sixth-placed qualifier from Heat 5 was also a low ranked driver, with Silver_Rose's 13.9 rating the fourth-lowest in the competition. This clutch of inexperienced racers pushed Heat 5's driver skill average to just 16.36, compared to Heat 1's highest of 36 and the competition average of 28.
Average Driver Skill Ratings Per Heat
Heat 1 - 36
Heat 2 - 32.4
Heat 3 - 31.53
Heat 4 - 30.18
Heat 5 - 16.36
Heat 6 - 25.6
Heat 7 - 24.06
Heat 8 - 29.05
The average has been estimated for some heats due to four drivers stubborn refusal to submit their full driver skill rating as if they're some kind of fancy bastards whose stats must remain secret. Heat 1's LumbricuS and Heat 7's Dilandu were unwilling to provide any figure whatsoever, so we have temporarily rated them 0.2 and -40,000 respectively. ScHiZoPhReNiC and Solenoid were no better, with the pair describing their ratings as 40+ and 35+ as if they were cougars hiding their age so as not to frighten off their younger male prey.
How old am I? Let's just say over 18 and less than the age of the universe. Winky face.
As you can see from the aforementioned figures, Heat 6 also saw a few low-ranked drivers make it through to the PRC knockout rounds. Miros - not to be confused with the player who holds a non-pluralised version of the same name - was the plucky underdog this time, coming in at a creditable sixth with a rating of 15.9, which was the sixth-lowest in the tournament. Fifth place was gobbled up by DCLXVI, who was beaten to fourth by PRC bookie operator garfthegreat. JET67 took third position in Heat 6, with wavelength in second and Abelard in first. JET67's performance was especially impressive since his 17.5 rating also places him within the bottom ten drivers in the competition.
Lowest Driver Skill Racers in the PRC
Stretch 7.3
buiiet 9.89
--Peepshow-- 12.8
Silver Rose - 13.9
Ali_Looya - 14.7
miros - 15.9
semiramis - 16.4
Thundem - 17
JET67 - 17.5
KoNx - 17.8
December 15th's penultimate qualifier continued this downwards trend with 12.8 rated --Peepshow-- squirting out in fifth place. The Heat 7 winner was Lindy_Lyson, closely followed like a pervert stalker by Barbari and Destroys in second and third respectively. Kaxuxo and Dilandu took fourth and sixth, and this result meant that some of the previous competition's standout talents had just one chance left to qualify for the tournament.
As December 16th's final qualifier approached, all but two of the summer PRC's finalists had yet to confirm their placement in the tournament's grand finals. Champion Stormcast and third-placed ScHiZoPhReNiC were both through, but the likes of ToxicMonkeyMZC, dunmugmeh, RogueHomer and event organiser GeorgeCostanza had thus far failed to qualify. Heat 8 was a tense occasion, with several drivers reportedly swallowing their underwear in a non-oral fashion, such were the stakes at hand.
Sadly, there were no steaks at hand.
Anghel won the heat comfortably by five seconds ahead of second-placed Solenoid, who successfully sponsored ScHiZoPhReNiC to third place in the summer PRC. ToxicMonkeyMZC avoided early elimination thanks to his third-place finish, and he was followed by Fear and KoNx in fourth and fifth. The final spot was taken by the summer PRC's 6th-place man RogueHomer, meaning that dunmugmeh and GeorgeCostanza were both eliminated at the qualifying stage.
His face strewn with tears like a scolded teen caught french-kissing his cousin, GeorgeCostanza dabbed his eyes and reflected on the competition so far.
"I think the driver skill aspect is very interesting, it wasn't as plain and simple as highest DS gets in and wins. In fact, I had people join to support the PRC but said I'll never qualify. Then they did, and I could feel their excitement."
"It was bitter/sweet not qualifying, I've not got the highest DS (28.1), but I managed to lead some laps (yes I watched some races) and even finished 7th once (1st loser), but it's all part of the game so you gotta just enjoy it and be happy for those who did qualify. Hopefully, I'll have better luck next time! But I'm still having fun keeping up with the races that are going on, people are definitely into it, and each race seems to have its share of surprises."
Thankfully George, the owner of the ball, did not take it home now he's not allowed to play.
The end of the qualifiers meant it was now time for the competition proper, and further surprises were in store for the PRC's fans as a few fan favourites were eliminated early on. Heat 1 took place at the Speedway and saw Violence romp home with an eight-second lead to claim his place in the next round, despite having finished fifth in the December 9th qualifier involving the same set of racers.
Sixth in that qualifier was Stormcast's hot piece urbanmenace, who also turned things around to finish second in this heat. If Ms Menace continues to display this kind of form throughout the rest of the competition, her household could be about to double their quota of Bugattis.
Like this, but if there were two.
Data, one of the highest rated drivers in the competition, scraped into the next round courtesy of his third-[lace finish. This meant that ozz, crabster and Guy_Smiley of Night Racers fame were eliminated from the tournament. Next up was Stormcast's chance to show off his prized Bugatti, as he faced off against Nath, IAMNEWB, LumbricuS, Thundem and the winner of the previous two winter PRCs, Hammer.
Nath was the victor on this occasion, storming home in his Lexus LFA three seconds ahead of Stormcast in the Veyron. IAMNEWB finished just 32 hundredths of a second behind Stormcast to claim third, bringing the hopes of two-time champion Hammer to a soggy end. It is interesting to note that the two racers who refused to supply GeorgeCostanza with their Driver Skill ratings, LumbricuS and Guy_Smiley, have both exited the competition in the first round proper.
Tonight's heat will see ScHiZoPhReNiC hope to avoid a similarly early exit as he takes on Alexstrasza, Chiubiz, Semiramis, DarkManV and archimede at 01:00 PM TCT. If he wishes to succeed, ScHiZo would do well to clarify his stats, lest the curse of the coy striketh him down too.
Toxic Items Seized by Border Agents
Ten shipments of poison-laced spritzers destined for Torn have been intercepted off the city coast, according to a report provided by the city's port authority.
On Thursday over one thousand atomisers were discovered inside crates marked as containing Christmas ornaments during the inspection of a cargo ship, a search prompted by a customs official who noticed one of the crates was leaking.
"I don't know any kind of Christmas ornament that should be leaking. I mean, maybe snow globes, but are they a Christmas ornament? Probably. Ah to hell with it. We opened the bastard and saw these here squirty things there that shouldn't oughta be there. I've been working here twenty-five years, and when something's labelled wrong it sets alarm bells off in my mind. Although in, hindsight, I should've known something was up when my pal sniffed the liquid and starting shaking and pissing his pants." - Dave 'Dave-o Johnson
Upon further inspection of the non-leaking crates, each item was seen to contain an unidentified, fizzy yellow liquid. When one foolhardy customs agent used one of the atomisers to squirt a colleague in the face, her victim immediately fell to the ground and started to convulse. The woman in question was taken to Torn City Hospital, only to be discharged several hours later with a prescription for Prozac, a basket of fish and packet of smiley face stickers.
Pictured: An artist's impression of the crate
In a statement to the Torn City Times, doctors revealed the patient had suffered a bout of 'temporary mardy arse syndrome', the symptoms of which are similar to those experienced by humans exposed to ammonium sulfide, rolls of wadded paper and the excreta of canis lupus familiaris. It is suspected that these atomisers contain some form of toxin, but official tests have yet to be carried out due to the city's only criminal laboratory analyst having been laid low by a bizarre rash of bruises to the face and groin.
An employee of the port authority told our reporter that a shipment of similarly labelled crates had passed into Torn last month. Clive Monsoon, who wishes to remain anonymous, revealed that these crates were not inspected or opened, and it is now believed that whoever ordered them is now in possession of over 1,000 substance spurting devices.
The authorities refused to release the name of the individual whose address adorned these shipments, but our mole at the port gave us the following quote:
"I can't tell you who it is because they will beat the shit out of me if they know I've released this information. Seriously, if they find out my name, I'll be incapable of eating solid food for a year. But you'll all know their name, I promise. They get offers to marry like every day."
"13, 21, 33 and 53 hold the key."
Christmas Competitions Coming Soon
As the holiday season approaches, it is with solemn regret that we must inform you that the various competitions held during this time of year will continue to be judged by The Duke.
Melted posted the first of many contests earlier today, with his Best Torn Meme competition sure to attract entries of varying degrees of hilarity and saltiness. Other events scheduled to open this week include Duke's Naughty or Nice competition, The Christmas Tornament and Torn's New Year's Resolutions contest amongst others.
One competition which will not be judged by Duke is the ominously named "Master Baster Competition", which is set to be run and ruled over by casino employee Leslie Chanthavong. What this contest entails and how it escaped censure is not yet known, but it should prove stimulating and stomach-churning in equal measure.
A list of Torn's current competitions can be found here.
December 12th saw BrocketIII take first place in Heat 4, with Sky and RevLitterbox following up in second and third place. 2016's summer champion PISolo finished fourth and was joined by Broly and Miro in qualifying for the finals, but it was Heat 5 which proved to be the most surprising round of the competition so far, as two amateur racers crashed the party to qualify ahead of their more experienced rivals.
JFK's Officer Tiller won the December 13th heat, but it was 9.89 rated BuIIet who took the plaudits after finishing in an astonishing second place. Ali_Looya's third-place finish was also highly commendable with her rating of just 14.7 making her the fifth-lowest ranked driver in the competition. The fourth qualifier from Heat 5 was DiamondAce, finishing only two seconds ahead of the lowest-ranked qualifier Stretch, who belied his 7.3 rating to put in an incredible performance that will echo throughout the ages.
Stretch's telekinetic ability to read the private thoughts of his rivals may or may not have proven useful.
The sixth-placed qualifier from Heat 5 was also a low ranked driver, with Silver_Rose's 13.9 rating the fourth-lowest in the competition. This clutch of inexperienced racers pushed Heat 5's driver skill average to just 16.36, compared to Heat 1's highest of 36 and the competition average of 28.
Average Driver Skill Ratings Per Heat
Heat 1 - 36
Heat 2 - 32.4
Heat 3 - 31.53
Heat 4 - 30.18
Heat 5 - 16.36
Heat 6 - 25.6
Heat 7 - 24.06
Heat 8 - 29.05
The average has been estimated for some heats due to four drivers stubborn refusal to submit their full driver skill rating as if they're some kind of fancy bastards whose stats must remain secret. Heat 1's LumbricuS and Heat 7's Dilandu were unwilling to provide any figure whatsoever, so we have temporarily rated them 0.2 and -40,000 respectively. ScHiZoPhReNiC and Solenoid were no better, with the pair describing their ratings as 40+ and 35+ as if they were cougars hiding their age so as not to frighten off their younger male prey.
How old am I? Let's just say over 18 and less than the age of the universe. Winky face.
As you can see from the aforementioned figures, Heat 6 also saw a few low-ranked drivers make it through to the PRC knockout rounds. Miros - not to be confused with the player who holds a non-pluralised version of the same name - was the plucky underdog this time, coming in at a creditable sixth with a rating of 15.9, which was the sixth-lowest in the tournament. Fifth place was gobbled up by DCLXVI, who was beaten to fourth by PRC bookie operator garfthegreat. JET67 took third position in Heat 6, with wavelength in second and Abelard in first. JET67's performance was especially impressive since his 17.5 rating also places him within the bottom ten drivers in the competition.
Lowest Driver Skill Racers in the PRC
Stretch 7.3
buiiet 9.89
--Peepshow-- 12.8
Silver Rose - 13.9
Ali_Looya - 14.7
miros - 15.9
semiramis - 16.4
Thundem - 17
JET67 - 17.5
KoNx - 17.8
December 15th's penultimate qualifier continued this downwards trend with 12.8 rated --Peepshow-- squirting out in fifth place. The Heat 7 winner was Lindy_Lyson, closely followed like a pervert stalker by Barbari and Destroys in second and third respectively. Kaxuxo and Dilandu took fourth and sixth, and this result meant that some of the previous competition's standout talents had just one chance left to qualify for the tournament.
As December 16th's final qualifier approached, all but two of the summer PRC's finalists had yet to confirm their placement in the tournament's grand finals. Champion Stormcast and third-placed ScHiZoPhReNiC were both through, but the likes of ToxicMonkeyMZC, dunmugmeh, RogueHomer and event organiser GeorgeCostanza had thus far failed to qualify. Heat 8 was a tense occasion, with several drivers reportedly swallowing their underwear in a non-oral fashion, such were the stakes at hand.
Sadly, there were no steaks at hand.
Anghel won the heat comfortably by five seconds ahead of second-placed Solenoid, who successfully sponsored ScHiZoPhReNiC to third place in the summer PRC. ToxicMonkeyMZC avoided early elimination thanks to his third-place finish, and he was followed by Fear and KoNx in fourth and fifth. The final spot was taken by the summer PRC's 6th-place man RogueHomer, meaning that dunmugmeh and GeorgeCostanza were both eliminated at the qualifying stage.
His face strewn with tears like a scolded teen caught french-kissing his cousin, GeorgeCostanza dabbed his eyes and reflected on the competition so far.
"I think the driver skill aspect is very interesting, it wasn't as plain and simple as highest DS gets in and wins. In fact, I had people join to support the PRC but said I'll never qualify. Then they did, and I could feel their excitement."
"It was bitter/sweet not qualifying, I've not got the highest DS (28.1), but I managed to lead some laps (yes I watched some races) and even finished 7th once (1st loser), but it's all part of the game so you gotta just enjoy it and be happy for those who did qualify. Hopefully, I'll have better luck next time! But I'm still having fun keeping up with the races that are going on, people are definitely into it, and each race seems to have its share of surprises."
Thankfully George, the owner of the ball, did not take it home now he's not allowed to play.
The end of the qualifiers meant it was now time for the competition proper, and further surprises were in store for the PRC's fans as a few fan favourites were eliminated early on. Heat 1 took place at the Speedway and saw Violence romp home with an eight-second lead to claim his place in the next round, despite having finished fifth in the December 9th qualifier involving the same set of racers.
Sixth in that qualifier was Stormcast's hot piece urbanmenace, who also turned things around to finish second in this heat. If Ms Menace continues to display this kind of form throughout the rest of the competition, her household could be about to double their quota of Bugattis.
Like this, but if there were two.
Data, one of the highest rated drivers in the competition, scraped into the next round courtesy of his third-[lace finish. This meant that ozz, crabster and Guy_Smiley of Night Racers fame were eliminated from the tournament. Next up was Stormcast's chance to show off his prized Bugatti, as he faced off against Nath, IAMNEWB, LumbricuS, Thundem and the winner of the previous two winter PRCs, Hammer.
Nath was the victor on this occasion, storming home in his Lexus LFA three seconds ahead of Stormcast in the Veyron. IAMNEWB finished just 32 hundredths of a second behind Stormcast to claim third, bringing the hopes of two-time champion Hammer to a soggy end. It is interesting to note that the two racers who refused to supply GeorgeCostanza with their Driver Skill ratings, LumbricuS and Guy_Smiley, have both exited the competition in the first round proper.
Tonight's heat will see ScHiZoPhReNiC hope to avoid a similarly early exit as he takes on Alexstrasza, Chiubiz, Semiramis, DarkManV and archimede at 01:00 PM TCT. If he wishes to succeed, ScHiZo would do well to clarify his stats, lest the curse of the coy striketh him down too.
Toxic Items Seized by Border Agents
Ten shipments of poison-laced spritzers destined for Torn have been intercepted off the city coast, according to a report provided by the city's port authority.
On Thursday over one thousand atomisers were discovered inside crates marked as containing Christmas ornaments during the inspection of a cargo ship, a search prompted by a customs official who noticed one of the crates was leaking.
"I don't know any kind of Christmas ornament that should be leaking. I mean, maybe snow globes, but are they a Christmas ornament? Probably. Ah to hell with it. We opened the bastard and saw these here squirty things there that shouldn't oughta be there. I've been working here twenty-five years, and when something's labelled wrong it sets alarm bells off in my mind. Although in, hindsight, I should've known something was up when my pal sniffed the liquid and starting shaking and pissing his pants." - Dave 'Dave-o Johnson
Upon further inspection of the non-leaking crates, each item was seen to contain an unidentified, fizzy yellow liquid. When one foolhardy customs agent used one of the atomisers to squirt a colleague in the face, her victim immediately fell to the ground and started to convulse. The woman in question was taken to Torn City Hospital, only to be discharged several hours later with a prescription for Prozac, a basket of fish and packet of smiley face stickers.
Pictured: An artist's impression of the crate
In a statement to the Torn City Times, doctors revealed the patient had suffered a bout of 'temporary mardy arse syndrome', the symptoms of which are similar to those experienced by humans exposed to ammonium sulfide, rolls of wadded paper and the excreta of canis lupus familiaris. It is suspected that these atomisers contain some form of toxin, but official tests have yet to be carried out due to the city's only criminal laboratory analyst having been laid low by a bizarre rash of bruises to the face and groin.
An employee of the port authority told our reporter that a shipment of similarly labelled crates had passed into Torn last month. Clive Monsoon, who wishes to remain anonymous, revealed that these crates were not inspected or opened, and it is now believed that whoever ordered them is now in possession of over 1,000 substance spurting devices.
The authorities refused to release the name of the individual whose address adorned these shipments, but our mole at the port gave us the following quote:
"I can't tell you who it is because they will beat the shit out of me if they know I've released this information. Seriously, if they find out my name, I'll be incapable of eating solid food for a year. But you'll all know their name, I promise. They get offers to marry like every day."
"13, 21, 33 and 53 hold the key."
Christmas Competitions Coming Soon
As the holiday season approaches, it is with solemn regret that we must inform you that the various competitions held during this time of year will continue to be judged by The Duke.
Melted posted the first of many contests earlier today, with his Best Torn Meme competition sure to attract entries of varying degrees of hilarity and saltiness. Other events scheduled to open this week include Duke's Naughty or Nice competition, The Christmas Tornament and Torn's New Year's Resolutions contest amongst others.
One competition which will not be judged by Duke is the ominously named "Master Baster Competition", which is set to be run and ruled over by casino employee Leslie Chanthavong. What this contest entails and how it escaped censure is not yet known, but it should prove stimulating and stomach-churning in equal measure.
A list of Torn's current competitions can be found here.
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