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The Torn City Council has finally revealed its plans to mark the very first St Relentless Day, with the festivities on offer set to make St Patrick's Day look like a toddler's tea party by comparison.
As previously discussed in this newspaper, the people of Torn will be treated to a brand new alcoholic drink known as Green Stout, which may be found tomorrow secreted at various locations around City Hall. Those who are lucky enough to grab themselves a bottle of this bizarre concoction will enjoy what is said to be the most potent, nerve-boosting alcoholic beverage Torn City has ever seen. And unlike Love Juice, its effects will not be limited to the March 17th holiday alone.
There will be additional supplies given out as prizes to those who place highly in the St Patrick's Regrets and St Relentless' Day Artwork contests, and further shipments of Green Stout will be provided every St Patrick's Day / St Relentless' Day for the foreseeable future, with this unsettlingly luminous mixture set to become a firm fixture in the lives of Torn's most prolific criminals.
Pictured: Criminal masterminds hard at work
Scientists have estimated that Green Stout will be 25% more effective in boosting nerve than the current most effective product in Torn. And that's not all. For the duration of March 17th, every alcoholic product in Torn City will be doubled in strength, so even those who fail to acquire a bottle of Green Stout will not be prevented in their quest to get absolutely s**tfaced.
This potency increase will be achieved through the pollution of our city's water supply with the chemical Citiusebriusestium, an Italian-imported substance which causes humans to become temporarily more susceptible to alcohol.
Pictured: Party time
Judging by official calculations, citizens should feel the impact of this chemical at around midnight tonight, with the effects wearing off within 24 hours. A dramatic upsurge in criminal activity is expected as a result of this and the other St Relentless' Day celebrations, and with that in mind, citizens have been urged to keep their most expensive belongings with them at all times, so as not to irritate potential muggers who may beat you to death in disappointment should you prove less lavish than they anticipated.
As previously discussed in this newspaper, the people of Torn will be treated to a brand new alcoholic drink known as Green Stout, which may be found tomorrow secreted at various locations around City Hall. Those who are lucky enough to grab themselves a bottle of this bizarre concoction will enjoy what is said to be the most potent, nerve-boosting alcoholic beverage Torn City has ever seen. And unlike Love Juice, its effects will not be limited to the March 17th holiday alone.
There will be additional supplies given out as prizes to those who place highly in the St Patrick's Regrets and St Relentless' Day Artwork contests, and further shipments of Green Stout will be provided every St Patrick's Day / St Relentless' Day for the foreseeable future, with this unsettlingly luminous mixture set to become a firm fixture in the lives of Torn's most prolific criminals.
Pictured: Criminal masterminds hard at work
Scientists have estimated that Green Stout will be 25% more effective in boosting nerve than the current most effective product in Torn. And that's not all. For the duration of March 17th, every alcoholic product in Torn City will be doubled in strength, so even those who fail to acquire a bottle of Green Stout will not be prevented in their quest to get absolutely s**tfaced.
This potency increase will be achieved through the pollution of our city's water supply with the chemical Citiusebriusestium, an Italian-imported substance which causes humans to become temporarily more susceptible to alcohol.
Pictured: Party time
Judging by official calculations, citizens should feel the impact of this chemical at around midnight tonight, with the effects wearing off within 24 hours. A dramatic upsurge in criminal activity is expected as a result of this and the other St Relentless' Day celebrations, and with that in mind, citizens have been urged to keep their most expensive belongings with them at all times, so as not to irritate potential muggers who may beat you to death in disappointment should you prove less lavish than they anticipated.
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