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On the 17th of March the world will come together to celebrate the Feast of St Patrick in honour of the patron saint of Ireland, who died on this day during the 5th Century in the small Irish town of Downpatrick - at least that's what Wikipedia says.
Traditionally an Irish event, this holiday has been appropriated by drunks around the world as an excuse to get more inebriated than usual, with the story of St Patrick often overlooked in favour of those involving two-for-one green Guinness and a scantily clad leprechaun.
Pictured: The upside of cultural appropriation.
Legend has it that St Patrick, a man of Romano-British heritage, drove the snakes out of Ireland after they attacked him during a 40-day fast - nobody likes to be assaulted by reptiles, but even less so when you're hangry. However, it has since been concluded with much certainty that snakes unlike potatoes and Cillian Murphy - have never been part of Ireland's native flora or fauna. It is now believed that said creatures represented an allegorical reference to St Patrick's efforts to remove the island of Pagan influences since snakes were often used in Christian literature to depict a source of evil.
Pictured: A bible story.
At this point, many of you will be wondering what the f**k any of this has to do with Torn. You are right to question this. Congratulations you.
In recent weeks, our fair city has experienced its own re-enactment of St Patrick's legendary tale thanks to the publication of a blocking script created by Relentless and publicised by Alexstrasza. In light of their valiant efforts to rid Torn City of trolls, the authorities have therefore declared the 17th of March St Relentless' Day. Praise be unto them, for their commitment to the scriptures truly knows no bounds.
To celebrate this occasion, a new line of green alcoholic beverages will be released on the 17th, with future shipments to be handed out on St Relentless' Day each and every year until Torn is destroyed by fire tornadoes. The public has been instructed to treat this drink with caution, though, as its high alcohol content is but one of many concerns which have been expressed about this unsettlingly luminous product.
Pictured: Mouth agony
The St Relentless' Day Stout is a dark beer which has been bleached and infused with a toxic colourant. As a result of this additive, the drink has already gained the nickname 'Slimer's Seed' due to its bright green hue and exceptionally bitter taste. The colourant is derived from the egg sac of an amphibian species known as Trollium Attentionidae. A high dosage of this chemical can cause high self-assurance and untreatable arse spasms, with those who overdose often seen kicking and punching at shadows before collapsing into a quivering mess.
As a result of its dangerous side effects, the quantity of St Relentless' Day Stout given to the public will be limited, although further supplies can be acquired by placing highly in the St Relentless' Day Art Competition. This contest seeks to find a piece of biblical-style artwork which accurately depicts the destruction of Torn's trolls by Relentless, and further details of the event can be found here.
And for those who don't manage to acquire a bottle of this noxious emerald-coloured substance, city chiefs have announced further plans for St Relentless' Day: they're going to lace Torn's water supply with Citiusebriusestium, a new chemical imported from Italy which makes alcohol twice as effective as usual. So whether you're celebrating the ousting of snakes or trolls, the feast of St Patrick or St Relentless, the 17th of March should prove to be as merry a day as one could ever hope for.
Traditionally an Irish event, this holiday has been appropriated by drunks around the world as an excuse to get more inebriated than usual, with the story of St Patrick often overlooked in favour of those involving two-for-one green Guinness and a scantily clad leprechaun.
Pictured: The upside of cultural appropriation.
Legend has it that St Patrick, a man of Romano-British heritage, drove the snakes out of Ireland after they attacked him during a 40-day fast - nobody likes to be assaulted by reptiles, but even less so when you're hangry. However, it has since been concluded with much certainty that snakes unlike potatoes and Cillian Murphy - have never been part of Ireland's native flora or fauna. It is now believed that said creatures represented an allegorical reference to St Patrick's efforts to remove the island of Pagan influences since snakes were often used in Christian literature to depict a source of evil.
Pictured: A bible story.
At this point, many of you will be wondering what the f**k any of this has to do with Torn. You are right to question this. Congratulations you.
In recent weeks, our fair city has experienced its own re-enactment of St Patrick's legendary tale thanks to the publication of a blocking script created by Relentless and publicised by Alexstrasza. In light of their valiant efforts to rid Torn City of trolls, the authorities have therefore declared the 17th of March St Relentless' Day. Praise be unto them, for their commitment to the scriptures truly knows no bounds.
To celebrate this occasion, a new line of green alcoholic beverages will be released on the 17th, with future shipments to be handed out on St Relentless' Day each and every year until Torn is destroyed by fire tornadoes. The public has been instructed to treat this drink with caution, though, as its high alcohol content is but one of many concerns which have been expressed about this unsettlingly luminous product.
Pictured: Mouth agony
The St Relentless' Day Stout is a dark beer which has been bleached and infused with a toxic colourant. As a result of this additive, the drink has already gained the nickname 'Slimer's Seed' due to its bright green hue and exceptionally bitter taste. The colourant is derived from the egg sac of an amphibian species known as Trollium Attentionidae. A high dosage of this chemical can cause high self-assurance and untreatable arse spasms, with those who overdose often seen kicking and punching at shadows before collapsing into a quivering mess.
As a result of its dangerous side effects, the quantity of St Relentless' Day Stout given to the public will be limited, although further supplies can be acquired by placing highly in the St Relentless' Day Art Competition. This contest seeks to find a piece of biblical-style artwork which accurately depicts the destruction of Torn's trolls by Relentless, and further details of the event can be found here.
And for those who don't manage to acquire a bottle of this noxious emerald-coloured substance, city chiefs have announced further plans for St Relentless' Day: they're going to lace Torn's water supply with Citiusebriusestium, a new chemical imported from Italy which makes alcohol twice as effective as usual. So whether you're celebrating the ousting of snakes or trolls, the feast of St Patrick or St Relentless, the 17th of March should prove to be as merry a day as one could ever hope for.
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