lickdapoo [1827223] —
Original article
Dropbears member Lickdapoo reveals the true reason why the Torn City Jail has been lacking in members. Also, there's a picture of an orange.
Over the last couple of weeks, Torn's correctional facilities have seen an ever-shrinking number of inmates pass through their doors. Much like Detroit, people are rarely seen inhabiting this place, and an eery aura of abandonment lies over the now vacant grounds of Torn's only correctional facility. I am here to tell you why that is.
The jail's population is notoriously sparse at the best of times, but what brought on this sudden desertion? In Detroit, the answer was decades of public mismanagement followed by drivers figuring out that Asian cars are 50% cheaper and no less reliable than those made in Motor City. But in Torn, our beloved leader Chedburn has worked hard to keep our jails full - albeit temporarily.
Criminal activity is, of course, encouraged here, with a brief slap on the wrist often the most you can expect in terms of punishment for even the most heinous crimes. Occasionally, new laws or features will increase the population temporarily, with the new Detective Agency swelling the jail's population courtesy of a diligent new team of street detectives. But by and large, everyone knows that the jail is a bit of a joke.
To combat this image for the sake of foreign visitors and investors, the security and housing capabilities of our city's jail recently received a massive investment. In the weeks that followed, the number of inmates briefly climbed to unknown heights. This was partly because the prisons were now constructed from real iron and solid concrete, contrary to before, when recycled Prison Break movie props were used to create the illusion of confinement.
However, another reason for the steep climb in inmates was the modernized facilities which lay within. From hot showers and cosy beds to free food and prison entertainment - like shankings or riots - a room in the prison suddenly became more inviting than the life of a common Tornian trapped on the outside. So why then, did the prison population drop off again so suddenly as it had climbed? Why do criminals seem to shun that barred heaven like Duke shuns soap and deodorant?
One theory states that the recent power outages in Torn are to blame when inhabitants were forced to stay at home by candlelight and twiddle their thumbs instead of ravaging and plundering our city. This also gave people plenty of time to relax and figure out how to break out their comrades. Hence, once the city was back on track, they set their plans into motion, leading to a massively increased busting rate.
Another theory suggests that this mass prison break is part of a conspiracy led by Leslie. According to believable sources who were by no means drunk or racist, Leslie has been smuggling inmates out of the prison in time for his weekly Dim-Sum-Day. The Torn City Times wishes to distance itself from speculation that Mr Chanthavong has been using Torn's prisoners as a cheap source of meat, and state for the record that we are only publishing this crass rumor to avoid accusations we are covering up the truth.
So, like someone who self-harms while watching re-runs of OJ Simpson in a Bronco, let's cut to the chase. The recent prison population decline is the result of a busting competition held by the faction Dropbears. According to inside information, for the last few weeks, their members encouraged each other to bust out as many people as possible. This event was organised partly to see who among their ranks has the most nerve and experience and also to mock our leader Chedburn for failing to notice that massive hole in the fence they cut.
Pictured: It wasn't even subtle
Another motivation for the contest was to speed up the unlocking of 3-nerve busting. But most importantly, the recent busting spree, with members' bust counts ranging from dozens to hundreds, was caused predominantly by a deep-rooted disgust for the color orange. By simple logic, reducing the number of inmates reduces the number of orange prison uniforms, thus relieving the stress on the eye caused by unaesthetic color choices.
Pictured: Disgusting
For anyone who is interested in the results of The Dropbears busting competition, the overall winner was Aime with 559 busts. Aime's use of the Law Firm Perk and Busting Book enabled them to amass a huge total of busts, scoring 376 more than their nearest challenger Lonium on 183, and swiping the top prize of a Donator Pack as a result.
1st - Aime - 559
2nd - Lonium - 183
3rd - Shak - 150
4th - Caladan - 114
5th - Lickdapoo - 102
Aime was the only person in the competition to make use of the busting book, so separate tables were made for those who did not make use of certain advantages. Lonium was first among those who were employed by a Law Firm but did not possess a book, beating off competition sponsor Shak and Caladan into second and third place to win a Feathery Hotel Coupon. Meanwhile, Toottoo was the winner in the category of those who had neither a book nor the Law Firm Perk, taking home a Feathery Hotel Coupon for his efforts. Second place in this category went to Yorks who scored 54 busts, with third going to BurningMan on 49.
The jail's population is notoriously sparse at the best of times, but what brought on this sudden desertion? In Detroit, the answer was decades of public mismanagement followed by drivers figuring out that Asian cars are 50% cheaper and no less reliable than those made in Motor City. But in Torn, our beloved leader Chedburn has worked hard to keep our jails full - albeit temporarily.
Criminal activity is, of course, encouraged here, with a brief slap on the wrist often the most you can expect in terms of punishment for even the most heinous crimes. Occasionally, new laws or features will increase the population temporarily, with the new Detective Agency swelling the jail's population courtesy of a diligent new team of street detectives. But by and large, everyone knows that the jail is a bit of a joke.
To combat this image for the sake of foreign visitors and investors, the security and housing capabilities of our city's jail recently received a massive investment. In the weeks that followed, the number of inmates briefly climbed to unknown heights. This was partly because the prisons were now constructed from real iron and solid concrete, contrary to before, when recycled Prison Break movie props were used to create the illusion of confinement.
However, another reason for the steep climb in inmates was the modernized facilities which lay within. From hot showers and cosy beds to free food and prison entertainment - like shankings or riots - a room in the prison suddenly became more inviting than the life of a common Tornian trapped on the outside. So why then, did the prison population drop off again so suddenly as it had climbed? Why do criminals seem to shun that barred heaven like Duke shuns soap and deodorant?
One theory states that the recent power outages in Torn are to blame when inhabitants were forced to stay at home by candlelight and twiddle their thumbs instead of ravaging and plundering our city. This also gave people plenty of time to relax and figure out how to break out their comrades. Hence, once the city was back on track, they set their plans into motion, leading to a massively increased busting rate.
Another theory suggests that this mass prison break is part of a conspiracy led by Leslie. According to believable sources who were by no means drunk or racist, Leslie has been smuggling inmates out of the prison in time for his weekly Dim-Sum-Day. The Torn City Times wishes to distance itself from speculation that Mr Chanthavong has been using Torn's prisoners as a cheap source of meat, and state for the record that we are only publishing this crass rumor to avoid accusations we are covering up the truth.
So, like someone who self-harms while watching re-runs of OJ Simpson in a Bronco, let's cut to the chase. The recent prison population decline is the result of a busting competition held by the faction Dropbears. According to inside information, for the last few weeks, their members encouraged each other to bust out as many people as possible. This event was organised partly to see who among their ranks has the most nerve and experience and also to mock our leader Chedburn for failing to notice that massive hole in the fence they cut.
Pictured: It wasn't even subtle
Another motivation for the contest was to speed up the unlocking of 3-nerve busting. But most importantly, the recent busting spree, with members' bust counts ranging from dozens to hundreds, was caused predominantly by a deep-rooted disgust for the color orange. By simple logic, reducing the number of inmates reduces the number of orange prison uniforms, thus relieving the stress on the eye caused by unaesthetic color choices.
Pictured: Disgusting
For anyone who is interested in the results of The Dropbears busting competition, the overall winner was Aime with 559 busts. Aime's use of the Law Firm Perk and Busting Book enabled them to amass a huge total of busts, scoring 376 more than their nearest challenger Lonium on 183, and swiping the top prize of a Donator Pack as a result.
1st - Aime - 559
2nd - Lonium - 183
3rd - Shak - 150
4th - Caladan - 114
5th - Lickdapoo - 102
Aime was the only person in the competition to make use of the busting book, so separate tables were made for those who did not make use of certain advantages. Lonium was first among those who were employed by a Law Firm but did not possess a book, beating off competition sponsor Shak and Caladan into second and third place to win a Feathery Hotel Coupon. Meanwhile, Toottoo was the winner in the category of those who had neither a book nor the Law Firm Perk, taking home a Feathery Hotel Coupon for his efforts. Second place in this category went to Yorks who scored 54 busts, with third going to BurningMan on 49.
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