sugarvalves [1963573] —
Original article
Blood prices confusion, Buston myths busted, local cuckold news and more!
Earlier this year the Torn City Times introduced the 'Tell Your Story' feature, the aim of which was to source newsworthy nuggets directly from the collective fundaments of the Torn City public. We have received a great many interesting submissions thus far, some of which have even gone on to line the cage of the Times' hamster Clarence.
Sadly, many interesting stories have been deemed to lack the importance required to merit their own article. But fear ye not storytellers, for here is the first of what will be a regular roundup of local news.
Buston Tales Come Flooding In
In the week since our piece on Buston, the Torn City Times has received a great many messages which sought to illuminate us on the kind of man he really was. Big_Rico contacted us indicating that the story of the Snow Cannon Buston claimed to have sold him was the opposite of what was true; Big_Rico sold him the cannon, which seems rather a pointless thing for Buston to have lied about. What a silly sausage he was.
We also received a tip-off from an anonymous Tell Your Story contributor who sent us the following statement:
"Buston holds himself out as a trader a honest businessman. However a couple months back he claimed to double or triple my money through poker. He just needed a 50m buy in. Of course it was a scam and I was robbed of 50million. (at the time it was all my savings). I was then left with nothing."
The most pleasant message we received on this issue was actually from Hildegarde a week before publication. In his correspondence to us, Buston's victim claimed he was actually glad to have been scammed, as in doing so he strengthened the bonds held between Hildegarde and his friends. Awww.
"I genuinely want to thank Torn City as a whole for the love they sent my way after the incident, the amount of support I got during the last couple days was amazing to say the least."
"Last but not least, a special thank you to the friends who so kindly put together 7b and sent them my way to cover for "my loss". It's not about the money, it just goes to show that for any single bad apple, there's tens of good friends in this game who will always have your back :)"
With such good feelings spread all over our bodies like so much whipped cream, it somehow seems wrong of the paper to continue to promote its Scamming Competition launched last week. And yet here we are, doing it once more. So if you have been scammed or you are a scammer yourself, and if your story is especially interesting, feel free to contact me, the illustrious Sugarvalves at your earliest convenience for a chance to win one billion dollars.
Newlyweds Beg For Aid
OOO168 sent us a delightful story of how he met his current wife xxMaaretxx in some rather interesting circumstances. xxMaaretxx had been kicked out of the private island she shared with her spouse for unknown reasons. OOO168, being ever the gentleman, offered his factionmate a place to stay on condition of marriage. xxMaaretxx declined the proposal since OOO168 could only offer a castle and she would not settle for anything less than a private island. After a few weeks, however, xxMaaretxx began to tire of her villa and eventually relented, agreeing to marry 000168 after he presented her with a diamond ring.
The pair are now saving up for their first private island together, and are hoping that a $70million deposit will be enough to secure a PI fitted with an airstrip. They would also like it to be known that they are currently seeking donations to help them realise her dream...sorry, their dream, and contributions of any size will be most warmly welcomed. It is also suggested that potential donors put aside a small amount of money for sometime in the future when OOO168 is inevitably scammed by his new wife and she returns to her spouse with a shiny new private island.
Call for Catfish Stories
In completely unrelated news, citizen DrugsInc is looking for your stories of catfishing. Have you been duped by a man pretending to be a woman? Perhaps you were misled by a twelve-year-old boy posing as a housecat. Or maybe you lost your entire family fortune to a man who claimed to be that kid from the Wonder Years. If you've been catfished and you'd like to share your story anonymously or publically, please contact DrugsInc at your earliest convenience.
L4suicide Building Another Dirty Bomb
According to a member of 39th Street Killers X who probably wished to remain anonymous but failed to say so, 39th Street Killers chief L4suicide has recently begun the process of building another dirty bomb. This news was current as of several weeks ago, so by now, the bomb must surely be in L4suicide's possession. My contact in 39th Street X, whose identity I will protect, gave me the following quote:
"I was in the faction at the time, and they had the lab unlocked and if you tried to leave in said "we must protect the build process"
Have you seen L4suicide's dirty bomb? Have you touched it? What does it feel like? Is it cold and non-threatening or balmy and ready to pop? Send us your photos tomorrow, or today, or next tuesday.
Local Vampire Extols Virtues of Self Consumption
Those of you with a weak constitution, look away now. Torn citizen Midiala recently contacted the Torn City Times to tell us of a most gruesome discovery he made while languishing in the hospital.
"Have you recently completed a course in Intravenous Therapy? Got some empty blood bags you just haven't gotten around to using yet? And... Do you often find yourself hospitalized without any first aid kits or the like and too cheap to pay for a revival? Then boy, do I have some news for you."
"Now, provided you've got enough health, you can use an empty blood bag on yourself while you're in the hospital, and then use it once it's full. What this does for you is it reduces your time in the hospital, gives you back some health, and all at a cost cheaper than a regular first aid kit. Miraculous."
"That's right folks, drinking your own blood gets you out of the hospital in less than two shakes of a lamb's tail. Now, I sure hope this was useful, or at least a little interesting to someone. I'm sure someone else out in this big ol' city has discovered this trick in the past, but it certainly surprised me some when I discovered it myself the other day."
Editors Note: The Torn City Times fully condones the consumption of one's own bodily fluids, including but not limited to the imbibement of mucus, bile, amniotic fluid and sweet delicious plasma.
A Bloody State of Affairs
Moon111 is also having a problem with the red stuff of late, as he explained via this pun-laden diatribe which hints at a conspiracy behind the scenes of the blood business.
"As a new player, one recommendation received was to take Intravenous Therapy. As an artist, perhaps I would be good at drawing blood? Whatever the case, without missing a beat, there I was, waiting patiently for the course to finish. Can you study for a blood test? And what mark would I receive? A+? I never get A's. Maybe a B-?"
"Finally, after what seemed like forever, my efforts were not in vein. I got... drum roll... O-!!! This is like a haemophiliac's dream of winning the clottery! I was about to become a pin-cushion, it was in my blood! However a funny thing happened at the old Haemo Globe Inn, more and more O-'s started showing up. You would think blood was thicker than water, but man it started to pour. Where once the availability had people trying to get blood from a stone, now the market was getting bloody saturated."
"Despite this, I kept my prices up. Now I'm not trying to mis-bleed you into thinking I wasn't under-cutting to make a sale, but it was always by the smallest of margins. What should be the lowest available blood type isn't...and the prices reflect that. Why anyone would spend more to buy another type is beyond me other than they don't know O- can be used by anyone. Oh yes, there's still a profit to be turned, but it's no longer at its former price."
"Did Torn just release more players like myself to drive down the most profitable blood type? Or did, Torn just become soft? Are less people needing blood transfusions? Whatever the cause for the lower profits, given the choice between being one of the 'normal' blood types or being O-, I'd choose the splatter."
The Torn City Times can neither confirm nor deny the existence of shenanigans regarding this particular blood type, but we can confirm that Type O Negative were a quite wonderful band. Furthermore, we should like to alert citizens to the fact that the 14th of June is World Blood Donor Day. Will this occasion be marked appropriately in Torn City? We shall see.
Sadly, many interesting stories have been deemed to lack the importance required to merit their own article. But fear ye not storytellers, for here is the first of what will be a regular roundup of local news.
Buston Tales Come Flooding In
In the week since our piece on Buston, the Torn City Times has received a great many messages which sought to illuminate us on the kind of man he really was. Big_Rico contacted us indicating that the story of the Snow Cannon Buston claimed to have sold him was the opposite of what was true; Big_Rico sold him the cannon, which seems rather a pointless thing for Buston to have lied about. What a silly sausage he was.
We also received a tip-off from an anonymous Tell Your Story contributor who sent us the following statement:
"Buston holds himself out as a trader a honest businessman. However a couple months back he claimed to double or triple my money through poker. He just needed a 50m buy in. Of course it was a scam and I was robbed of 50million. (at the time it was all my savings). I was then left with nothing."
The most pleasant message we received on this issue was actually from Hildegarde a week before publication. In his correspondence to us, Buston's victim claimed he was actually glad to have been scammed, as in doing so he strengthened the bonds held between Hildegarde and his friends. Awww.
"I genuinely want to thank Torn City as a whole for the love they sent my way after the incident, the amount of support I got during the last couple days was amazing to say the least."
"Last but not least, a special thank you to the friends who so kindly put together 7b and sent them my way to cover for "my loss". It's not about the money, it just goes to show that for any single bad apple, there's tens of good friends in this game who will always have your back :)"
With such good feelings spread all over our bodies like so much whipped cream, it somehow seems wrong of the paper to continue to promote its Scamming Competition launched last week. And yet here we are, doing it once more. So if you have been scammed or you are a scammer yourself, and if your story is especially interesting, feel free to contact me, the illustrious Sugarvalves at your earliest convenience for a chance to win one billion dollars.
Newlyweds Beg For Aid
OOO168 sent us a delightful story of how he met his current wife xxMaaretxx in some rather interesting circumstances. xxMaaretxx had been kicked out of the private island she shared with her spouse for unknown reasons. OOO168, being ever the gentleman, offered his factionmate a place to stay on condition of marriage. xxMaaretxx declined the proposal since OOO168 could only offer a castle and she would not settle for anything less than a private island. After a few weeks, however, xxMaaretxx began to tire of her villa and eventually relented, agreeing to marry 000168 after he presented her with a diamond ring.
The pair are now saving up for their first private island together, and are hoping that a $70million deposit will be enough to secure a PI fitted with an airstrip. They would also like it to be known that they are currently seeking donations to help them realise her dream...sorry, their dream, and contributions of any size will be most warmly welcomed. It is also suggested that potential donors put aside a small amount of money for sometime in the future when OOO168 is inevitably scammed by his new wife and she returns to her spouse with a shiny new private island.
Call for Catfish Stories
In completely unrelated news, citizen DrugsInc is looking for your stories of catfishing. Have you been duped by a man pretending to be a woman? Perhaps you were misled by a twelve-year-old boy posing as a housecat. Or maybe you lost your entire family fortune to a man who claimed to be that kid from the Wonder Years. If you've been catfished and you'd like to share your story anonymously or publically, please contact DrugsInc at your earliest convenience.
L4suicide Building Another Dirty Bomb
According to a member of 39th Street Killers X who probably wished to remain anonymous but failed to say so, 39th Street Killers chief L4suicide has recently begun the process of building another dirty bomb. This news was current as of several weeks ago, so by now, the bomb must surely be in L4suicide's possession. My contact in 39th Street X, whose identity I will protect, gave me the following quote:
"I was in the faction at the time, and they had the lab unlocked and if you tried to leave in said "we must protect the build process"
Have you seen L4suicide's dirty bomb? Have you touched it? What does it feel like? Is it cold and non-threatening or balmy and ready to pop? Send us your photos tomorrow, or today, or next tuesday.
Local Vampire Extols Virtues of Self Consumption
Those of you with a weak constitution, look away now. Torn citizen Midiala recently contacted the Torn City Times to tell us of a most gruesome discovery he made while languishing in the hospital.
"Have you recently completed a course in Intravenous Therapy? Got some empty blood bags you just haven't gotten around to using yet? And... Do you often find yourself hospitalized without any first aid kits or the like and too cheap to pay for a revival? Then boy, do I have some news for you."
"Now, provided you've got enough health, you can use an empty blood bag on yourself while you're in the hospital, and then use it once it's full. What this does for you is it reduces your time in the hospital, gives you back some health, and all at a cost cheaper than a regular first aid kit. Miraculous."
"That's right folks, drinking your own blood gets you out of the hospital in less than two shakes of a lamb's tail. Now, I sure hope this was useful, or at least a little interesting to someone. I'm sure someone else out in this big ol' city has discovered this trick in the past, but it certainly surprised me some when I discovered it myself the other day."
Editors Note: The Torn City Times fully condones the consumption of one's own bodily fluids, including but not limited to the imbibement of mucus, bile, amniotic fluid and sweet delicious plasma.
A Bloody State of Affairs
Moon111 is also having a problem with the red stuff of late, as he explained via this pun-laden diatribe which hints at a conspiracy behind the scenes of the blood business.
"As a new player, one recommendation received was to take Intravenous Therapy. As an artist, perhaps I would be good at drawing blood? Whatever the case, without missing a beat, there I was, waiting patiently for the course to finish. Can you study for a blood test? And what mark would I receive? A+? I never get A's. Maybe a B-?"
"Finally, after what seemed like forever, my efforts were not in vein. I got... drum roll... O-!!! This is like a haemophiliac's dream of winning the clottery! I was about to become a pin-cushion, it was in my blood! However a funny thing happened at the old Haemo Globe Inn, more and more O-'s started showing up. You would think blood was thicker than water, but man it started to pour. Where once the availability had people trying to get blood from a stone, now the market was getting bloody saturated."
"Despite this, I kept my prices up. Now I'm not trying to mis-bleed you into thinking I wasn't under-cutting to make a sale, but it was always by the smallest of margins. What should be the lowest available blood type isn't...and the prices reflect that. Why anyone would spend more to buy another type is beyond me other than they don't know O- can be used by anyone. Oh yes, there's still a profit to be turned, but it's no longer at its former price."
"Did Torn just release more players like myself to drive down the most profitable blood type? Or did, Torn just become soft? Are less people needing blood transfusions? Whatever the cause for the lower profits, given the choice between being one of the 'normal' blood types or being O-, I'd choose the splatter."
The Torn City Times can neither confirm nor deny the existence of shenanigans regarding this particular blood type, but we can confirm that Type O Negative were a quite wonderful band. Furthermore, we should like to alert citizens to the fact that the 14th of June is World Blood Donor Day. Will this occasion be marked appropriately in Torn City? We shall see.
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