sugarvalves [1963573] —
Original article
Not literally, but read on anyway to find out why Torn caused Hopslam to break his door, why JollyJoli owns an axe, and whether SuckMyGypsy prefers it soft, hard or not at all.
Hopslam and SuckMyGypsy won the coveted Mr and Ms Torn titles last week after 2,527,663 votes were cast over twenty days to determine our city's most attractive and creative citizens. Due to a higher number of entries, the male competition received 1,547,621 votes compared to the women's total of 980,042 - a further 219,464 votes were also made on submissions that were later removed.
Pictured: Mr and Ms Torn combined photograph
Second and third place in the men's event was awarded to Komodo and Frinzell respectively. Meanwhile, in the ladies contest, Amyrlin took the runner-up spot, with Roguesubmarine voted as runner-up to the runner-up in third. Let's hear from some of these aesthetically pleasing bastards now, shall we?
SuckMyGypsy's entry - edited above to include Hopslam - is called "Plushie Powwow" as it consisted of "a big party of plushies." She told me her first act as Ms Torn was to use her newfound riches to purchase Xanax, cans and stock, and credited her victory to her friends and factionmates.
"I'm sure they helped at least put a dent in my score if not more. Secondly I'd say the creativity and effort it took to put together the picture was received pretty well by the community. Finding and buying each individual plushie can take some time. Especially trying to match it to how it looks in Torn."
"It took around a week to find all of them on Amazon (This was important because there was free shipping and returns involved) and I paid around $250 USD total for all plushies. After taking the photo I waited until the rules of the competition came out in case they required something different from previous years and then returned all of the plushies and received all my money back. Long story less long, $0.00 cost."
That's a solid effort right there. Now, as Miss World contestants are often asked hard-hitting questions, I decided to query SuckMyGypsy on the topic of Brexit, enquiring as to whether she favoured a hard Brexit, soft Brexit or a second referendum. She told me this meant nothing to her, so instead, she shared her thoughts on the post made by forum parasite DUDE.
"I understand trolling and am with that 100% as a jokester but where do we draw the line as players and when does it become bullying? I'm not sensitive and don't deal well with sensitive people however you never know how the things you say can affect people and you shouldn't say anything unless you really mean it."
SMG also had something to say about those who complained about her name, expressing her belief that some people displayed fake outrage and were overly sensitive about the competition as a whole considering Torn City's content. SuckMyGypsy also told me that she had received a slew of messages from Torn players throughout the competition, and not all of them were pleasant.
"I received plenty of messages, some nice and sweet regarding recognizing the effort behind the photo and some super duper creepy messages some of which I'm willing to share with you minus the names of the users."
"Can I suck your Gypsy ;) lol. You are banging"
"Would you send me 2 pictures of your feet for some torn money?"
"What got you into this game? Would you rather boots or high heels?"
"Toung jack that fart box"
Thus far we have been unable to ascertain how many of these messages came from Hill007 - if I were to guess, I'd say all of them. Regardless, the final question I wanted to ask of our newly-crowned Ms Torn is one which many would dearly love to know the answer to. Single, dating or married; what is the relationship status of that gorgeous looking cat?
"My cat's name is Rory but he responds to Mr. Kitty. He is NOT a single man. I have another female cat and they cuddle and play everyday and every night. They are both 2 big beautiful Savannah cats."
Pictured: I'm feeling feelings I've never felt before.
Enough about cats with come-to-bed eyes. Let's find out what our handsome Mr Torn Hopslam has to say about his victorious entry. The first thing we would like to share is that Hopslam is currently conducting a $100m giveaway which he would like you all to participate in. Done that? Good. Now let's see what his entry was all about.
"I am just a silly dude that submitted a silly pic. I suppose if it must be named, I would name it #TORNDIDTHIS. And with that, to start a movement where players can post their #torndidthis pics, and request that Duke or The Torn City Times put on a subsequent contest for the rest of the year and pick a winner at year end."
"It would be for anything around their house or their lives that broke, and whether Torn had anything to do with or not would not matter. The picture could be a broken plate shattered on the floor, #torndidthis. It could be a giant hole in a door, #torndidthis. It could be a break-up note, #torndidthis. Etc etc."
I believe this is an excellent idea. Look out for the TornDidThis event in the coming weeks. In the spirit of this competition, Hopslam told me that Torn was indirectly responsible for the broken door which formed the basis of his entry. Having closed the door to prevent his daughter and her friends from entering his room, Hopslam later realised it had inadvertently become locked.
"I never got a key or found a key or even thought of needing a key for the inside doors since moving in. My cell phone, tablet, laptop, car keys, and wallet were all inside my room. Unfortunately, I do not have mad lockpicking skills. I did try various things to try and open the door and searched high and low for any keys that could have been left in the house from the prior owner. The hinges being on the inside and my lack of success in lockpicking attempts left me with only a couple options."
"I could have gone to the neighbor to call for help, but I went with the more immediate method. After the other kiddos had gone home, I punched through the door and unlocked it. I honestly can't remember now if I had an immediate need to get into Torn, like protecting myself from mugs or something, but I definitely needed the keys, wallet, and cell phone for the later part of the day. I am sure that I logged into Torn shortly after breaking the door."
When asked what one wish he would like to see come true, Hopslam requested more monthly events and mini-games in Torn. This is something I'll be chatting with Hopslam about soon, but in the meantime, let's find out whether he'd be offended if I photoshopped his picture onto the backend of a Rhinoceros. It seems the answer is no.
"I have a fond place in my heart for Jim Carrey movies."
Komodo was this year's Mr Torn runner-up, and he called his entry "Racing Vexation" for reasons the man himself shall now explain.
"Checkers or wreckers. Go hard or go home. In racing, you try to be competitive and win, but things don't always go your way. Breaking down is a frustrating ordeal, both in real life and in TORN racing."
"I did not crash my car for my entry, although it may have been more fun that way. Instead, I lifted the front of the car up with a floor jack, took the tire off and then lowered it back down close to the ground. I then just leaned the tire at an angle to make it look like something broke and also put a spare turbocharger on the ground by the tire. Lastly, I added a smoke bomb from a local firework stand to bring in some special effects."
Komodo's was one of this year's more creative efforts, and he claims his imagination is a natural effect of having ginger hair. Second place in the Mr Torn contest is a fine achievement no doubt, but Komodo says his crowning glory was building his stats and gaining entry to a top faction after being inactive for six to seven years.
In the forums, Komodo suggested that Mr and Ms Torn should be entered anonymously to avoid instances of harassment. He feels this would have the after effect of increasing participation and making it more fun and competitive for everyone. Anonymous entries sound like a good idea in principle, but I posed him with a potential problem.
Sugarvalves: You could enter anonymously next year, but I'd still know who you are, and I would still bombard you with nudes. Have you received mine yet? What did you think?
Komodo: "I do see your point, and I would assume I would be recognized next year regardless, but mainly due to placing second. Perhaps next year I will skip. I will need to work up the courage to keep sorting that inbox out after opening your nude bombs. No offence. But seriously."
My final question was as timely as it was politically divisive.
Sugarvalves: "Does the consumption of salsa out of a tortilla sombrero constitute an act of delicious cultural appropriation?"
Komodo: "I would say it's a delicious cultural appreciation rather than appropriation. Salsa and tortilla goes hand in hand with party appetizers. It is said that food brings people together and that variety is the spice of life. It took some ingenuity to come up with a party hat that was edible and also added a new social dimension to enjoying food together in a party environment."
Pictured: Some guy
For the second year in a row, Frinzell secured himself a third-place finish in Mr Torn thanks to an entry he calls "Way better than a rolling pin!" His real-life sweetheart JollyJoli was once more the subject of Frinzell's ire in this photo, as having previously leered over her with a cane, this year he chose to lunge at her with an axe - what can I say, couples get kinky in their golden years.
"She still lives because she dropped the camera and ran...The axe has lived a long and eventful life. After the third handle was broken a steel shaft was fitted; allowing maximum force! Most recently I used it to fell a small tree and to help dig out its roots."
Frinzell wished to congratulate every entrant for their courage and ingenuity, especially those who were "really ugly." He believes that while no competition is perfect, Mr and Ms Torn is one he likes, as each photo reveals the player's real-life character, and this often matches their gameplay style.
"A fair amount of creative talent is revealed in the photos. It's true that Ms Torn entrants need 'assets' to win. But the winners are not the most flagrant; but often the most well presented. Interestingly, many players only view the Ms Torn entries. JollyJoli received 4.91 from 6270 votes compared to my 4.58 and 3rd place, from only 2700 votes. So Torn men are definitely lechers (no surprise)."
Of this, there can be no doubt. And yet this year there has been yet more controversy over the Mr and Ms Torn event. Many pressing questions have been asked of late, yet I feel the following query is by far the most pertinent:
Sugarvalves: "Is the Welsh language real or just a respiratory disease that's gotten out of hand?"
Frinzell: "Welsh? Why not...as long as I am out of spitting distance."
Ever since my arrival in Torn City I have had the pleasure of interviewing all of the Mr and Ms Torn winners on a variety of subjects. However, this year one interviewee proved more challenging than any before. This woman's arrogance and sheer lack of respect is clear for all to see. I am of course talking about RogueSubmarine, whose entry demonstrates a flagrant lack of concern for fire safety regulations - despicable.
Sugarvalves: "I believe I have spotted a fire extinguisher just above your head in your 3rd place entry. I fear that you have not followed correct fire procedure in installing this outside and at a great height. What would you do if a fire were to occur today?"
RogueSubmarine: "You absolutely have spotted a fire extinguisher above my head... Funny enough, My Torn husband and real life partner built me a fire pit in our backyard just back in May. Lack of fire safety seems to be a theme in my life lately, as merely days after RagefulManiac built that fire pit for me, I fell right into it. So I don't even have to answer your question hypothetically."
"Incidentally, I had to push myself further into the fire in order to stand up, so I did and stumbled out of the fire pit. That fire extinguisher was absolutely the last thing on my mind. I stop, dropped, and rolled, but my clothes for the most part really didn't catch. It was just my skin that burned. My left leg, hip, back, and left hand were covered in mostly 2nd-degree burns, with spots of third. That fire extinguisher sat right there unused then, and there it sits now."
Do I now feel bad after joking about fire safety? No, the lord of light does as he pleases. Lightly charred from the experience, RogueSubmarine told me her entry was merely an attempt to "earn some free points in exchange for very little effort on my end...to submit a photo as simple as possible. No gimmicks, no cries for attention, just another photo to vote on."
A refreshingly honest and direct response there. Clearly, RogueSubmarine's no-fuss approach worked, and she agreed with Frinzell's assessment of the contest, commenting that "more Torn citizens are superfluously interested in judging women's beauty than the men's category." Furthermore, RS told me that if her photo had to be about anything, it represented a competitor taking back ownership of a competition that is otherwise viewed negatively in our community.
"I was well aware of the effects of joining this competition. I had read the horror stories of being chain attacked, mugged, hosp locked, and even the unwarranted sexually advancing messages. More than anything, I was well aware of the superficial nature of this community event. Truth be told, being targeted or typecast based off my physical appearance is no odd experience to me. In real life, I work in the entertainment industry and have built my career around my face."
"Sure, it's superficial and internet strangers are judgy and mean, but I used an in-game mechanic to win in-game benefits, and none of that is personal to me. I am exceptionally grateful that in-game voters collectively choose me to win 2500 points. Whether the voting process is perfunctory or not, Torn is a game that I love, and I got free perks from the game because the community voted for me to. No part of that is negative to me- or the parts that are, are easily ignored."
"I, myself am not a ham person, but I think anyone who has breakfasts that involved on a daily basis are doing GREAT."
That last comment was apropos of nothing; I didn't even ask her about breakfast. Or maybe I did, I forget. Anyway, RogueSubmarine then told me about her Torn activities, which include being an active chainer within the Lingering Insanity faction. RS is also aiming to stay out of the hospital as much as she can, with her Ms Torn entry already garnering her some unwanted in-game attention.
However, having analysed her entry further, I felt that RogueSubmarine should be concentrating on her real-life endeavours rather than her Torn existence.
Sugarvalves: "Finally, the question everyone wants to know the answer to. There seems to be a small build up of algae on the external panelling of your home. A combination of bleach, dish soap and water should remove it with ease. When will you be taking care of this?"
RogueSubmarine: "There is nothing like an internet stranger to remind you what you could be doing with your day off. Thank you, friend. I shall wash my house this weekend."
Pictured: RogueSubmarine after washing her house, probably.
The final word on this year's competition has been left to fourth-placed Sky, a Torn veteran whose +4000 day tenure means she would easily qualify for a Ms Torn seniors competition, should one exist.
"Never mention a ladies age! I never really considered that I'm a senior citizen in torn... Maybe it's time to retire haha."
I interviewed Sky because she is often a voice of reason in the forums, and I wanted to know if Torn should make any changes to the Mr and Ms Torn competition to placate the concerns of those who have spoken out about its "boobalicious content." The only alteration Sky would make would be to expand it beyond a 1-10 vote, as she feels Mr and Ms Torn should reflect your contribution to the Torn community, suggesting people could "submit answers to a few torn based questions along with your photo where people can judge you on more than just your cleavage."
An interesting suggestion, and one which got me thinking about how I personally had objectified (and salivated over) one of this year's particularly arousing entrants. Try as I might, I couldn't help myself fawning over Hopslam after seeing his entry. It's like he's a giant sexy baby being born by a door mother - a fantasy I've had for some time. Am I a bad person? Sky says no.
"I also had the same fantasy. He's a cutie with a booty, amiright?"
Joking aside, is Mr and Ms Torn really the lech-fest some would have you believe? Do some people overexaggerate the impact of such a contest? Or is Mr and Ms Torn fine as it is; a harmless bit of fun that can be taken as lightly or seriously as you like? The answer to these questions are yes, yes, yes - which is also the vocal response Hill007 has to every picture of a woman he's ever seen.
Despite being one of our most aged citizens, I would imagine Sky has endured her fair share of unwanted attention from Torn's male community during her time in this city. As such, she is well-placed to comment on the Mr and Ms Torn competition from a moral perspective. So, to end this piece with some semblance of understanding as to what, if anything, is wrong with our home city, I asked Sky what a politically correct version of Torn might look like.
"A modern day University, where everything is offensive and you get your account deleted for saying something someone doesn't like. Forums would have to be deleted. Duke/Leslie would have to be deleted... Actually get rid of all forms of communication. And no more violence, weapons, drugs, hunting, gambling, etc. We should only be allowed to eat candy, race, do education courses, and play the stock market."
That sounds fun. This game seems to fit the bill, albeit without the stocks and racing. I'm sold already. See you there fellow sweet teens.
Pictured: Mr and Ms Torn combined photograph
Second and third place in the men's event was awarded to Komodo and Frinzell respectively. Meanwhile, in the ladies contest, Amyrlin took the runner-up spot, with Roguesubmarine voted as runner-up to the runner-up in third. Let's hear from some of these aesthetically pleasing bastards now, shall we?
SuckMyGypsy's entry - edited above to include Hopslam - is called "Plushie Powwow" as it consisted of "a big party of plushies." She told me her first act as Ms Torn was to use her newfound riches to purchase Xanax, cans and stock, and credited her victory to her friends and factionmates.
"I'm sure they helped at least put a dent in my score if not more. Secondly I'd say the creativity and effort it took to put together the picture was received pretty well by the community. Finding and buying each individual plushie can take some time. Especially trying to match it to how it looks in Torn."
"It took around a week to find all of them on Amazon (This was important because there was free shipping and returns involved) and I paid around $250 USD total for all plushies. After taking the photo I waited until the rules of the competition came out in case they required something different from previous years and then returned all of the plushies and received all my money back. Long story less long, $0.00 cost."
That's a solid effort right there. Now, as Miss World contestants are often asked hard-hitting questions, I decided to query SuckMyGypsy on the topic of Brexit, enquiring as to whether she favoured a hard Brexit, soft Brexit or a second referendum. She told me this meant nothing to her, so instead, she shared her thoughts on the post made by forum parasite DUDE.
"I understand trolling and am with that 100% as a jokester but where do we draw the line as players and when does it become bullying? I'm not sensitive and don't deal well with sensitive people however you never know how the things you say can affect people and you shouldn't say anything unless you really mean it."
SMG also had something to say about those who complained about her name, expressing her belief that some people displayed fake outrage and were overly sensitive about the competition as a whole considering Torn City's content. SuckMyGypsy also told me that she had received a slew of messages from Torn players throughout the competition, and not all of them were pleasant.
"I received plenty of messages, some nice and sweet regarding recognizing the effort behind the photo and some super duper creepy messages some of which I'm willing to share with you minus the names of the users."
"Can I suck your Gypsy ;) lol. You are banging"
"Would you send me 2 pictures of your feet for some torn money?"
"What got you into this game? Would you rather boots or high heels?"
"Toung jack that fart box"
Thus far we have been unable to ascertain how many of these messages came from Hill007 - if I were to guess, I'd say all of them. Regardless, the final question I wanted to ask of our newly-crowned Ms Torn is one which many would dearly love to know the answer to. Single, dating or married; what is the relationship status of that gorgeous looking cat?
"My cat's name is Rory but he responds to Mr. Kitty. He is NOT a single man. I have another female cat and they cuddle and play everyday and every night. They are both 2 big beautiful Savannah cats."
Pictured: I'm feeling feelings I've never felt before.
Enough about cats with come-to-bed eyes. Let's find out what our handsome Mr Torn Hopslam has to say about his victorious entry. The first thing we would like to share is that Hopslam is currently conducting a $100m giveaway which he would like you all to participate in. Done that? Good. Now let's see what his entry was all about.
"I am just a silly dude that submitted a silly pic. I suppose if it must be named, I would name it #TORNDIDTHIS. And with that, to start a movement where players can post their #torndidthis pics, and request that Duke or The Torn City Times put on a subsequent contest for the rest of the year and pick a winner at year end."
"It would be for anything around their house or their lives that broke, and whether Torn had anything to do with or not would not matter. The picture could be a broken plate shattered on the floor, #torndidthis. It could be a giant hole in a door, #torndidthis. It could be a break-up note, #torndidthis. Etc etc."
I believe this is an excellent idea. Look out for the TornDidThis event in the coming weeks. In the spirit of this competition, Hopslam told me that Torn was indirectly responsible for the broken door which formed the basis of his entry. Having closed the door to prevent his daughter and her friends from entering his room, Hopslam later realised it had inadvertently become locked.
"I never got a key or found a key or even thought of needing a key for the inside doors since moving in. My cell phone, tablet, laptop, car keys, and wallet were all inside my room. Unfortunately, I do not have mad lockpicking skills. I did try various things to try and open the door and searched high and low for any keys that could have been left in the house from the prior owner. The hinges being on the inside and my lack of success in lockpicking attempts left me with only a couple options."
"I could have gone to the neighbor to call for help, but I went with the more immediate method. After the other kiddos had gone home, I punched through the door and unlocked it. I honestly can't remember now if I had an immediate need to get into Torn, like protecting myself from mugs or something, but I definitely needed the keys, wallet, and cell phone for the later part of the day. I am sure that I logged into Torn shortly after breaking the door."
When asked what one wish he would like to see come true, Hopslam requested more monthly events and mini-games in Torn. This is something I'll be chatting with Hopslam about soon, but in the meantime, let's find out whether he'd be offended if I photoshopped his picture onto the backend of a Rhinoceros. It seems the answer is no.
"I have a fond place in my heart for Jim Carrey movies."
Komodo was this year's Mr Torn runner-up, and he called his entry "Racing Vexation" for reasons the man himself shall now explain.
"Checkers or wreckers. Go hard or go home. In racing, you try to be competitive and win, but things don't always go your way. Breaking down is a frustrating ordeal, both in real life and in TORN racing."
"I did not crash my car for my entry, although it may have been more fun that way. Instead, I lifted the front of the car up with a floor jack, took the tire off and then lowered it back down close to the ground. I then just leaned the tire at an angle to make it look like something broke and also put a spare turbocharger on the ground by the tire. Lastly, I added a smoke bomb from a local firework stand to bring in some special effects."
Komodo's was one of this year's more creative efforts, and he claims his imagination is a natural effect of having ginger hair. Second place in the Mr Torn contest is a fine achievement no doubt, but Komodo says his crowning glory was building his stats and gaining entry to a top faction after being inactive for six to seven years.
In the forums, Komodo suggested that Mr and Ms Torn should be entered anonymously to avoid instances of harassment. He feels this would have the after effect of increasing participation and making it more fun and competitive for everyone. Anonymous entries sound like a good idea in principle, but I posed him with a potential problem.
Sugarvalves: You could enter anonymously next year, but I'd still know who you are, and I would still bombard you with nudes. Have you received mine yet? What did you think?
Komodo: "I do see your point, and I would assume I would be recognized next year regardless, but mainly due to placing second. Perhaps next year I will skip. I will need to work up the courage to keep sorting that inbox out after opening your nude bombs. No offence. But seriously."
My final question was as timely as it was politically divisive.
Sugarvalves: "Does the consumption of salsa out of a tortilla sombrero constitute an act of delicious cultural appropriation?"
Komodo: "I would say it's a delicious cultural appreciation rather than appropriation. Salsa and tortilla goes hand in hand with party appetizers. It is said that food brings people together and that variety is the spice of life. It took some ingenuity to come up with a party hat that was edible and also added a new social dimension to enjoying food together in a party environment."
Pictured: Some guy
For the second year in a row, Frinzell secured himself a third-place finish in Mr Torn thanks to an entry he calls "Way better than a rolling pin!" His real-life sweetheart JollyJoli was once more the subject of Frinzell's ire in this photo, as having previously leered over her with a cane, this year he chose to lunge at her with an axe - what can I say, couples get kinky in their golden years.
"She still lives because she dropped the camera and ran...The axe has lived a long and eventful life. After the third handle was broken a steel shaft was fitted; allowing maximum force! Most recently I used it to fell a small tree and to help dig out its roots."
Frinzell wished to congratulate every entrant for their courage and ingenuity, especially those who were "really ugly." He believes that while no competition is perfect, Mr and Ms Torn is one he likes, as each photo reveals the player's real-life character, and this often matches their gameplay style.
"A fair amount of creative talent is revealed in the photos. It's true that Ms Torn entrants need 'assets' to win. But the winners are not the most flagrant; but often the most well presented. Interestingly, many players only view the Ms Torn entries. JollyJoli received 4.91 from 6270 votes compared to my 4.58 and 3rd place, from only 2700 votes. So Torn men are definitely lechers (no surprise)."
Of this, there can be no doubt. And yet this year there has been yet more controversy over the Mr and Ms Torn event. Many pressing questions have been asked of late, yet I feel the following query is by far the most pertinent:
Sugarvalves: "Is the Welsh language real or just a respiratory disease that's gotten out of hand?"
Frinzell: "Welsh? Why not...as long as I am out of spitting distance."
Ever since my arrival in Torn City I have had the pleasure of interviewing all of the Mr and Ms Torn winners on a variety of subjects. However, this year one interviewee proved more challenging than any before. This woman's arrogance and sheer lack of respect is clear for all to see. I am of course talking about RogueSubmarine, whose entry demonstrates a flagrant lack of concern for fire safety regulations - despicable.
Sugarvalves: "I believe I have spotted a fire extinguisher just above your head in your 3rd place entry. I fear that you have not followed correct fire procedure in installing this outside and at a great height. What would you do if a fire were to occur today?"
RogueSubmarine: "You absolutely have spotted a fire extinguisher above my head... Funny enough, My Torn husband and real life partner built me a fire pit in our backyard just back in May. Lack of fire safety seems to be a theme in my life lately, as merely days after RagefulManiac built that fire pit for me, I fell right into it. So I don't even have to answer your question hypothetically."
"Incidentally, I had to push myself further into the fire in order to stand up, so I did and stumbled out of the fire pit. That fire extinguisher was absolutely the last thing on my mind. I stop, dropped, and rolled, but my clothes for the most part really didn't catch. It was just my skin that burned. My left leg, hip, back, and left hand were covered in mostly 2nd-degree burns, with spots of third. That fire extinguisher sat right there unused then, and there it sits now."
Do I now feel bad after joking about fire safety? No, the lord of light does as he pleases. Lightly charred from the experience, RogueSubmarine told me her entry was merely an attempt to "earn some free points in exchange for very little effort on my end...to submit a photo as simple as possible. No gimmicks, no cries for attention, just another photo to vote on."
A refreshingly honest and direct response there. Clearly, RogueSubmarine's no-fuss approach worked, and she agreed with Frinzell's assessment of the contest, commenting that "more Torn citizens are superfluously interested in judging women's beauty than the men's category." Furthermore, RS told me that if her photo had to be about anything, it represented a competitor taking back ownership of a competition that is otherwise viewed negatively in our community.
"I was well aware of the effects of joining this competition. I had read the horror stories of being chain attacked, mugged, hosp locked, and even the unwarranted sexually advancing messages. More than anything, I was well aware of the superficial nature of this community event. Truth be told, being targeted or typecast based off my physical appearance is no odd experience to me. In real life, I work in the entertainment industry and have built my career around my face."
"Sure, it's superficial and internet strangers are judgy and mean, but I used an in-game mechanic to win in-game benefits, and none of that is personal to me. I am exceptionally grateful that in-game voters collectively choose me to win 2500 points. Whether the voting process is perfunctory or not, Torn is a game that I love, and I got free perks from the game because the community voted for me to. No part of that is negative to me- or the parts that are, are easily ignored."
"I, myself am not a ham person, but I think anyone who has breakfasts that involved on a daily basis are doing GREAT."
That last comment was apropos of nothing; I didn't even ask her about breakfast. Or maybe I did, I forget. Anyway, RogueSubmarine then told me about her Torn activities, which include being an active chainer within the Lingering Insanity faction. RS is also aiming to stay out of the hospital as much as she can, with her Ms Torn entry already garnering her some unwanted in-game attention.
However, having analysed her entry further, I felt that RogueSubmarine should be concentrating on her real-life endeavours rather than her Torn existence.
Sugarvalves: "Finally, the question everyone wants to know the answer to. There seems to be a small build up of algae on the external panelling of your home. A combination of bleach, dish soap and water should remove it with ease. When will you be taking care of this?"
RogueSubmarine: "There is nothing like an internet stranger to remind you what you could be doing with your day off. Thank you, friend. I shall wash my house this weekend."
Pictured: RogueSubmarine after washing her house, probably.
The final word on this year's competition has been left to fourth-placed Sky, a Torn veteran whose +4000 day tenure means she would easily qualify for a Ms Torn seniors competition, should one exist.
"Never mention a ladies age! I never really considered that I'm a senior citizen in torn... Maybe it's time to retire haha."
I interviewed Sky because she is often a voice of reason in the forums, and I wanted to know if Torn should make any changes to the Mr and Ms Torn competition to placate the concerns of those who have spoken out about its "boobalicious content." The only alteration Sky would make would be to expand it beyond a 1-10 vote, as she feels Mr and Ms Torn should reflect your contribution to the Torn community, suggesting people could "submit answers to a few torn based questions along with your photo where people can judge you on more than just your cleavage."
An interesting suggestion, and one which got me thinking about how I personally had objectified (and salivated over) one of this year's particularly arousing entrants. Try as I might, I couldn't help myself fawning over Hopslam after seeing his entry. It's like he's a giant sexy baby being born by a door mother - a fantasy I've had for some time. Am I a bad person? Sky says no.
"I also had the same fantasy. He's a cutie with a booty, amiright?"
Joking aside, is Mr and Ms Torn really the lech-fest some would have you believe? Do some people overexaggerate the impact of such a contest? Or is Mr and Ms Torn fine as it is; a harmless bit of fun that can be taken as lightly or seriously as you like? The answer to these questions are yes, yes, yes - which is also the vocal response Hill007 has to every picture of a woman he's ever seen.
Despite being one of our most aged citizens, I would imagine Sky has endured her fair share of unwanted attention from Torn's male community during her time in this city. As such, she is well-placed to comment on the Mr and Ms Torn competition from a moral perspective. So, to end this piece with some semblance of understanding as to what, if anything, is wrong with our home city, I asked Sky what a politically correct version of Torn might look like.
"A modern day University, where everything is offensive and you get your account deleted for saying something someone doesn't like. Forums would have to be deleted. Duke/Leslie would have to be deleted... Actually get rid of all forms of communication. And no more violence, weapons, drugs, hunting, gambling, etc. We should only be allowed to eat candy, race, do education courses, and play the stock market."
That sounds fun. This game seems to fit the bill, albeit without the stocks and racing. I'm sold already. See you there fellow sweet teens.
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