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Large cloud of Nitrous Oxide heading for Torn City. No threat to life expected. Residents told to prepare for light-headedness and higher alcohol susceptibility.
A chemical manufacturing facility located just outside of Torn City was annihilated by an explosion early this morning, with over 10,000 cubic feet of Nitrous Oxide gas released into the troposphere as a result.
The culprit and sole casualty of this explosion was a 44-year-old Torn citizen whose name has not been released. The man in question was reportedly attempting to huff N02 directly from the factory's machinery when a small rodent startled him, causing the now-inebriated buffoon to accidentally reverse the manufacturing process.
After a build-up of gas caused the main Nangotomy chamber to burst, a chain of explosions tore apart the facility like a fat child opening a twinkie. The unnamed man was later taken to hospital and treated for his injuries, with his condition described as "off his f***ing tits mate". And if some meteorologists are to be believed, a similar fate could befall many of Torn's alcoholics this coming Friday.
Pictured: File photo
Shortly after the explosion a gust of wind pushed the cloud of expelled Nitrous Oxide in the direction of Torn City, with this chemical compound - commonly known as laughing gas - set to pass city limits around midnight tonight. However, those of you who are hoping for a free instant high will be sorely disappointed, since the gas is far too dispersed to allow any one human to feel the euphoric effects associated with recreational use of this substance.
What it will do is serve to displace a large amount of oxygen present in the troposphere. The volume of O2 supplanted will not be enough to endanger any lives, but it will be sufficient to cause light-headedness similar to what you might experience while flying.
This oxygen deficit will result in Torn's citizens experiencing lower-than-normal blood oxygen levels, and when combined with the small amount of N02 in the air, both will reportedly work to make certain alcoholic drinks seem more potent than they ordinarily would do. May Dupname from Torn City College explains more:
"When you drink alcohol on an airplane you often feel more drunk than if you were drinking on the ground. But you are not actually getting any drunker, you merely feel more drunk due to the lack of oxygen in your blood."
"A similar thing will happen throughout Friday as the nitrous oxide cloud arrives in Torn City. Anyone who drinks beer may feel up to five times as drunk as they normally would because of their lowered blood oxygen state and the prevalence of trace amounts of nitrous oxide."
"This phenomenon will only affect beer drinkers though, because of... because... something to do with the bubbles, I guess. Don't ask me I'm not a scientist. I teach Creationism and erotic baking."
Pictured: A woman who loves Jesus, frosting, and alternative facts - sometimes all at once.
How fortuitous that such an event should befall Torn City on Friday the 3rd of August, which just so happens to be International Beer Day. Those of a more cynical disposition may believe this entire story to be no more than a stunt, or perhaps a cover-up to explain a batch of beer accidentally made ultra-strong by a disgruntled factory worker.
Either way, this Friday should prove to be rather eventful, as with the effects of the Nitrous Oxide cloud set to last the duration of the day, Torn City's beer lovers will experience a state of collective drunkenness the likes of which have not been seen since at least last Tuesday.
The culprit and sole casualty of this explosion was a 44-year-old Torn citizen whose name has not been released. The man in question was reportedly attempting to huff N02 directly from the factory's machinery when a small rodent startled him, causing the now-inebriated buffoon to accidentally reverse the manufacturing process.
After a build-up of gas caused the main Nangotomy chamber to burst, a chain of explosions tore apart the facility like a fat child opening a twinkie. The unnamed man was later taken to hospital and treated for his injuries, with his condition described as "off his f***ing tits mate". And if some meteorologists are to be believed, a similar fate could befall many of Torn's alcoholics this coming Friday.
Pictured: File photo
Shortly after the explosion a gust of wind pushed the cloud of expelled Nitrous Oxide in the direction of Torn City, with this chemical compound - commonly known as laughing gas - set to pass city limits around midnight tonight. However, those of you who are hoping for a free instant high will be sorely disappointed, since the gas is far too dispersed to allow any one human to feel the euphoric effects associated with recreational use of this substance.
What it will do is serve to displace a large amount of oxygen present in the troposphere. The volume of O2 supplanted will not be enough to endanger any lives, but it will be sufficient to cause light-headedness similar to what you might experience while flying.
This oxygen deficit will result in Torn's citizens experiencing lower-than-normal blood oxygen levels, and when combined with the small amount of N02 in the air, both will reportedly work to make certain alcoholic drinks seem more potent than they ordinarily would do. May Dupname from Torn City College explains more:
"When you drink alcohol on an airplane you often feel more drunk than if you were drinking on the ground. But you are not actually getting any drunker, you merely feel more drunk due to the lack of oxygen in your blood."
"A similar thing will happen throughout Friday as the nitrous oxide cloud arrives in Torn City. Anyone who drinks beer may feel up to five times as drunk as they normally would because of their lowered blood oxygen state and the prevalence of trace amounts of nitrous oxide."
"This phenomenon will only affect beer drinkers though, because of... because... something to do with the bubbles, I guess. Don't ask me I'm not a scientist. I teach Creationism and erotic baking."
Pictured: A woman who loves Jesus, frosting, and alternative facts - sometimes all at once.
How fortuitous that such an event should befall Torn City on Friday the 3rd of August, which just so happens to be International Beer Day. Those of a more cynical disposition may believe this entire story to be no more than a stunt, or perhaps a cover-up to explain a batch of beer accidentally made ultra-strong by a disgruntled factory worker.
Either way, this Friday should prove to be rather eventful, as with the effects of the Nitrous Oxide cloud set to last the duration of the day, Torn City's beer lovers will experience a state of collective drunkenness the likes of which have not been seen since at least last Tuesday.
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