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Free donator packs, the Xanax bug, disabled puppies, child trafficking and a brand new Agony Aunt feature are just some of the stories we considered too insignificant to warrant a full article.
Donator Packs Awarded to Local News Contributors
The Tell Your Story feature has been a welcome addition to the Torn City Times. Interesting stories, idle gossip, wayward opinions and a peculiar looking rash are just some of the things we've been sent of late, and a few of these submissions have gone on to become full articles, with the sender receiving the Reporter status, points and merit as a result.
However, entries which are too short or stupid to be used for a full article often get published in this, our Local News Roundup. Anyone whose submission appears in the LNR receives a Donator Pack upon publication. So if you have some information you've been sitting on, or you have a theory about a particularly damp part of Torn City, Tell Your Story today and receive a free DP.
Agony Aunt Awaits Your Anxieties
Are you struggling with a constant slew of bounties? Have you been scammed one too many times? Or maybe you're just sick and tired of being downvoted and living on your own in a dusty, old castle. Whatever your problem is, Aunty Torn is here to help.
Aunty Torn is the pseudonym of a long-serving Torn player who has agreed to help solve the problems faced by Torn citizens. Asking a stupid question in the forums will get you bountied, but Aunty Torn is slightly less aggressive, and she will respect the anonymity and dignity of her readers if desired.
So if you have something you'd like to ask in private about Torn City life or life in general, send them in via our Tell Your Story link marked with the title DEAR AUNTY TORN. Anyone whose questions are published will receive a Donator Pack as a reward. Please state whether you wish to remain anonymous upon publication.
Any questions which seem inherently creepy or pervy will be forwarded to Duke.
Territories Upset Shocks War Fans
A citizen who wishes to remain anonymous for fear of being made dead has informed the TCT about a shocking result in a territories war between the Champagne Killers (CK) and The War Rig (TWR). This event took place several months ago, and at the time, CK was rated 163 on the faction leaderboard compared to TWR's 105, Yet when faced with an unprovoked assault, it was the lower ranked faction who eventually won out - twice.
"They launched a territory war so to retaliate CK launched an assault on them. Not only did they defend their own but they also won their assault too...CK had guests including people from Milk and Cookies. Word has it TWR leaders didn't think they would fight back or had powerful allies and once they won it caused chaos to their faction."
This battle took place on the border of Sector 4 and 5, just north of the Item Market, way back in May. The fact we are reporting on it in August proves our paper's commitment to timely and up-to-date reporting. Three months on, CK still hold the two territories contested by TWR, who currently hold 14 territories compared to the 8 taken by their rivals in CK.
Despite holding more territories, TWR has dropped in the faction rankings from 105 to 107, with CK having gained one place to reach 162 courtesy of their 525k respect and a recent successful chain of 2,500. Whether their respective rise and fall will continue is uncertain, though, since both sides are presently under attack, with Forged Through War challenging CK in the south, and TWR being hit by Sevens to the west.
Child Trafficking in Torn
Reader FilippaPingvin has alerted us to a shocking story of a child being sold in Torn City. Even more astonishingly, the child's parent was none other than Filippa herself, and it seems the cold-hearted witch harbours no regrets over flogging her pride and joy.
"I once got an offer to sell my first born for a parachute. Of course I took the offer so now I'm just wondering who has the soul of mine and Peterpingvin's one and only son. He's 7'11 tall and weighs 370 pounds, pretty much all fat. Oh and he dresses like a girl."
Have you seen Filippa and Peter Pingvin's astonishingly large man-child? If so, please contact anyone but the Pingvins, as if returned, they'll probably sell him for a skateboard.
Duke Disliked By Dicks
Two citizens contacted the TCT recently to complain about our city's resident loan shark, Duke. The first, Dickfigure, was perturbed at Don Calabrese's penchant for shaking down clients who fail to pay him back.
"Duke of loan shark is always mugging bastards who don't pay I stand for everyone when i say we want him removed from the game he is good for no one we should just make our own money instead of letting this rich bastard bully us torn city is practically bankrupt by duke because of his outrageous fees we need him gone"
Another abbreviated Richard by the name of Cooldick also took issue with Duke, having informed the Times that "loan shark sucks duke increases your fee when your in the hospital if you don't pay he mugs you".
It is well known by all but the most doltish citizens that Duke will assault you if you fail to adhere to the terms of your loan. Therefore, both of these complaints hold about as much water as a man with sieves for hands.
Pictured: Work it out for yourself
However, a more legitimate concern regarding the Duke's pastimes was sent in by another reader; not a Dick, but an Ass.
"Duke gives us quests that may be hard, but some are given false advertising. Sometimes he has given quests which are harder than the difficulty. Defeat yelinkyaw using only fists. A level 17 player, compared to my level 10, I could not win."
Aussie_Assasin was the author of the above quote, complaining that the quest they received was labelled as Easy, when in reality it was anything but. If you have found yourself faced with a Duke mission you cannot complete then your first port of call should be players who offer mission assistance services such as Bodybagger, Killer-For-Hire and Martyr.
For a very reasonable fee, a high-statted player will join you in the attack to help you complete your mission. The three aforementioned hitmen are the subject of a forthcoming article which investigates their mercenary activities, so if you are interested in hiring yourself some muscle, keep your eyes out for that piece next week.
But if you lack the funds to hire such players, your only options are to abstain, train or complain. Dilandu published an in-depth look into the reasons behind the increasing difficulty of missions a few weeks ago, but Chedburn states this trend is solely down to the old missions being too easy, rather than the present ones being made harder. There are no plans to alter the mission system at present.
A Notice of Marriage
Last last month, citizen DonCabra contacted the TCT to inform us about his forthcoming marriage to Naff1, which he told us was to take place on July 26th. The marriage actually occurred on the 22nd. Whatever Naff1 was offering in return, the deal was clearly too good to wait for.
"I'm only marrying him because his medical training will save costs on maintaining my startling good looks." - Naff1
"No flowers by request but the bride would be glad of kittens, knuckledusters, 7.62mm ammunition and at least one decent erotic DVD." - DonCabra
DonCabra describes himself as a "minor trader", by which he means an emerging bazaar owner and not someone who trafficks children like FilippaPingvin. To celebrate his recent nuptials, Don says he's been offering free frappuccinos for all the loyal customers of Don's Fandabidozee Bazaar.
However, since cold blended coffee beverages are banned in Torn due to a city-wide fear of brain freeze, this promotion seems nothing more than a sham. I for one hope that Don's marriage melts as quickly as a frappe on a hot summer's day.
Sixth Bug Swatter Handed Out
Last week we published an article by Bug which looked at how people who post legitimate and significant bugs to the Bugs & Issues section are rewarded with a Bug Swatter item. Shortly after publication, we discovered that Scruffy had been awarded the sixth Bug Swatter on 2018/07/27 for reporting a bug that granted him the ability to create any item he desired out of thin air.
Upon noticing the bug, Scruffy immediately created himself a sweet new Bugatti Veyron to report the issue to Chedburn in style. After the bug was squished, Scruffy's duplicate Veyron was pulped and turned into a playground for disabled puppies.
Pictured: A puppy with no legs
The Xanax Problem
A concerned sociologist contacted the TCT to inform us of a problem with Xanax, after a survey of Torn City Hospital's patients revealed that many users - particularly gym goers - are taking twice the recommended dose.
"Astoundingly, our researchers have shown that, among the patients interviewed, one-hundred percent of Xanax overdoses are caused by users taking 'a couple of pills' rather than the intended one. Even more astoundingly, in each of these cases, the user only intended to consume one pill."
"Please ensure that citizens are advised to check their palms thoroughly for traces of a second pill before proceeding with further Xanax consumption."
There have been nearly 800,000 overdoses in Torn City at the time of writing. One wonders just how many could have been prevented through the simple act of looking into one's hand. And if you don't think it could happen to you, think again, as this quote from an anonymous TCH patient illustrates just how easy an accidental overdose is.
"I only wanted the one pill. Honest. It just keeps happening this way. I lift one to me mouth, and by the time I realise I'm swallowing two of the buggers, it's too late."
Pictured: One Xanax
$30 Mints For Sale
Depending on where you shop, a box of extra strong mints can cost between $595 and $700 - a small price to pay for minty fresh breath. However, one strange individual has recently been seen selling candy way below market price, as YaziLoLOnline explains:
"A citizen known as buttfaceelijah sells mints and candies for 30 buckaroos! It's cheap, but why only that price? Why not more? YaziLoLOnline tries to find out."
YaziLoLOnline: "Dude, why do you sell it for so cheap? It takes 4 nerve to get it out of stores!"
Buttfaceelijah: "Because that's all it should be worth!"
Yazi: "But it isn't worth that much at all! It's worth a few hundreds!"
BFE: "I've played longer than you, dipwit! You're only level 4!"
"At this point, Yazi gave up."
Buttfaceelijah's bazaar is currently closed, but if you enjoy the taste of mints or hate the feeling of halitosis, you may wish to keep an eye on this experienced pro in case they forget to add the zero once more.
Surprise Surprise
Finally, having already discovered a source of cheap mints, it seems YaziLoLOnline has had rather a busy month, as he's also figured out how gambling works.
"Now, we all know that in the casino slots you can get the jackpot, right? Well, unless you bid the max, better luck next time trying! Research shows that you have nearly no chance to hit the jackpot! Day in, day out, poor people in Torn try to get the jackpot, by bidding their money, and a lot of them are sad when they get nothing."
"Imagine if this was you, people! Only $10 and you use it on the casino. Next thing you know, you have no money... I hope this will help those people who think they have a good chance of the jackpot."
The Tell Your Story feature has been a welcome addition to the Torn City Times. Interesting stories, idle gossip, wayward opinions and a peculiar looking rash are just some of the things we've been sent of late, and a few of these submissions have gone on to become full articles, with the sender receiving the Reporter status, points and merit as a result.
However, entries which are too short or stupid to be used for a full article often get published in this, our Local News Roundup. Anyone whose submission appears in the LNR receives a Donator Pack upon publication. So if you have some information you've been sitting on, or you have a theory about a particularly damp part of Torn City, Tell Your Story today and receive a free DP.
Agony Aunt Awaits Your Anxieties
Are you struggling with a constant slew of bounties? Have you been scammed one too many times? Or maybe you're just sick and tired of being downvoted and living on your own in a dusty, old castle. Whatever your problem is, Aunty Torn is here to help.
Aunty Torn is the pseudonym of a long-serving Torn player who has agreed to help solve the problems faced by Torn citizens. Asking a stupid question in the forums will get you bountied, but Aunty Torn is slightly less aggressive, and she will respect the anonymity and dignity of her readers if desired.
So if you have something you'd like to ask in private about Torn City life or life in general, send them in via our Tell Your Story link marked with the title DEAR AUNTY TORN. Anyone whose questions are published will receive a Donator Pack as a reward. Please state whether you wish to remain anonymous upon publication.
Any questions which seem inherently creepy or pervy will be forwarded to Duke.
Territories Upset Shocks War Fans
A citizen who wishes to remain anonymous for fear of being made dead has informed the TCT about a shocking result in a territories war between the Champagne Killers (CK) and The War Rig (TWR). This event took place several months ago, and at the time, CK was rated 163 on the faction leaderboard compared to TWR's 105, Yet when faced with an unprovoked assault, it was the lower ranked faction who eventually won out - twice.
"They launched a territory war so to retaliate CK launched an assault on them. Not only did they defend their own but they also won their assault too...CK had guests including people from Milk and Cookies. Word has it TWR leaders didn't think they would fight back or had powerful allies and once they won it caused chaos to their faction."
This battle took place on the border of Sector 4 and 5, just north of the Item Market, way back in May. The fact we are reporting on it in August proves our paper's commitment to timely and up-to-date reporting. Three months on, CK still hold the two territories contested by TWR, who currently hold 14 territories compared to the 8 taken by their rivals in CK.
Despite holding more territories, TWR has dropped in the faction rankings from 105 to 107, with CK having gained one place to reach 162 courtesy of their 525k respect and a recent successful chain of 2,500. Whether their respective rise and fall will continue is uncertain, though, since both sides are presently under attack, with Forged Through War challenging CK in the south, and TWR being hit by Sevens to the west.
Child Trafficking in Torn
Reader FilippaPingvin has alerted us to a shocking story of a child being sold in Torn City. Even more astonishingly, the child's parent was none other than Filippa herself, and it seems the cold-hearted witch harbours no regrets over flogging her pride and joy.
"I once got an offer to sell my first born for a parachute. Of course I took the offer so now I'm just wondering who has the soul of mine and Peterpingvin's one and only son. He's 7'11 tall and weighs 370 pounds, pretty much all fat. Oh and he dresses like a girl."
Have you seen Filippa and Peter Pingvin's astonishingly large man-child? If so, please contact anyone but the Pingvins, as if returned, they'll probably sell him for a skateboard.
Duke Disliked By Dicks
Two citizens contacted the TCT recently to complain about our city's resident loan shark, Duke. The first, Dickfigure, was perturbed at Don Calabrese's penchant for shaking down clients who fail to pay him back.
"Duke of loan shark is always mugging bastards who don't pay I stand for everyone when i say we want him removed from the game he is good for no one we should just make our own money instead of letting this rich bastard bully us torn city is practically bankrupt by duke because of his outrageous fees we need him gone"
Another abbreviated Richard by the name of Cooldick also took issue with Duke, having informed the Times that "loan shark sucks duke increases your fee when your in the hospital if you don't pay he mugs you".
It is well known by all but the most doltish citizens that Duke will assault you if you fail to adhere to the terms of your loan. Therefore, both of these complaints hold about as much water as a man with sieves for hands.
Pictured: Work it out for yourself
However, a more legitimate concern regarding the Duke's pastimes was sent in by another reader; not a Dick, but an Ass.
"Duke gives us quests that may be hard, but some are given false advertising. Sometimes he has given quests which are harder than the difficulty. Defeat yelinkyaw using only fists. A level 17 player, compared to my level 10, I could not win."
Aussie_Assasin was the author of the above quote, complaining that the quest they received was labelled as Easy, when in reality it was anything but. If you have found yourself faced with a Duke mission you cannot complete then your first port of call should be players who offer mission assistance services such as Bodybagger, Killer-For-Hire and Martyr.
For a very reasonable fee, a high-statted player will join you in the attack to help you complete your mission. The three aforementioned hitmen are the subject of a forthcoming article which investigates their mercenary activities, so if you are interested in hiring yourself some muscle, keep your eyes out for that piece next week.
But if you lack the funds to hire such players, your only options are to abstain, train or complain. Dilandu published an in-depth look into the reasons behind the increasing difficulty of missions a few weeks ago, but Chedburn states this trend is solely down to the old missions being too easy, rather than the present ones being made harder. There are no plans to alter the mission system at present.
A Notice of Marriage
Last last month, citizen DonCabra contacted the TCT to inform us about his forthcoming marriage to Naff1, which he told us was to take place on July 26th. The marriage actually occurred on the 22nd. Whatever Naff1 was offering in return, the deal was clearly too good to wait for.
"I'm only marrying him because his medical training will save costs on maintaining my startling good looks." - Naff1
"No flowers by request but the bride would be glad of kittens, knuckledusters, 7.62mm ammunition and at least one decent erotic DVD." - DonCabra
DonCabra describes himself as a "minor trader", by which he means an emerging bazaar owner and not someone who trafficks children like FilippaPingvin. To celebrate his recent nuptials, Don says he's been offering free frappuccinos for all the loyal customers of Don's Fandabidozee Bazaar.
However, since cold blended coffee beverages are banned in Torn due to a city-wide fear of brain freeze, this promotion seems nothing more than a sham. I for one hope that Don's marriage melts as quickly as a frappe on a hot summer's day.
Sixth Bug Swatter Handed Out
Last week we published an article by Bug which looked at how people who post legitimate and significant bugs to the Bugs & Issues section are rewarded with a Bug Swatter item. Shortly after publication, we discovered that Scruffy had been awarded the sixth Bug Swatter on 2018/07/27 for reporting a bug that granted him the ability to create any item he desired out of thin air.
Upon noticing the bug, Scruffy immediately created himself a sweet new Bugatti Veyron to report the issue to Chedburn in style. After the bug was squished, Scruffy's duplicate Veyron was pulped and turned into a playground for disabled puppies.
Pictured: A puppy with no legs
The Xanax Problem
A concerned sociologist contacted the TCT to inform us of a problem with Xanax, after a survey of Torn City Hospital's patients revealed that many users - particularly gym goers - are taking twice the recommended dose.
"Astoundingly, our researchers have shown that, among the patients interviewed, one-hundred percent of Xanax overdoses are caused by users taking 'a couple of pills' rather than the intended one. Even more astoundingly, in each of these cases, the user only intended to consume one pill."
"Please ensure that citizens are advised to check their palms thoroughly for traces of a second pill before proceeding with further Xanax consumption."
There have been nearly 800,000 overdoses in Torn City at the time of writing. One wonders just how many could have been prevented through the simple act of looking into one's hand. And if you don't think it could happen to you, think again, as this quote from an anonymous TCH patient illustrates just how easy an accidental overdose is.
"I only wanted the one pill. Honest. It just keeps happening this way. I lift one to me mouth, and by the time I realise I'm swallowing two of the buggers, it's too late."
Pictured: One Xanax
$30 Mints For Sale
Depending on where you shop, a box of extra strong mints can cost between $595 and $700 - a small price to pay for minty fresh breath. However, one strange individual has recently been seen selling candy way below market price, as YaziLoLOnline explains:
"A citizen known as buttfaceelijah sells mints and candies for 30 buckaroos! It's cheap, but why only that price? Why not more? YaziLoLOnline tries to find out."
YaziLoLOnline: "Dude, why do you sell it for so cheap? It takes 4 nerve to get it out of stores!"
Buttfaceelijah: "Because that's all it should be worth!"
Yazi: "But it isn't worth that much at all! It's worth a few hundreds!"
BFE: "I've played longer than you, dipwit! You're only level 4!"
"At this point, Yazi gave up."
Buttfaceelijah's bazaar is currently closed, but if you enjoy the taste of mints or hate the feeling of halitosis, you may wish to keep an eye on this experienced pro in case they forget to add the zero once more.
Surprise Surprise
Finally, having already discovered a source of cheap mints, it seems YaziLoLOnline has had rather a busy month, as he's also figured out how gambling works.
"Now, we all know that in the casino slots you can get the jackpot, right? Well, unless you bid the max, better luck next time trying! Research shows that you have nearly no chance to hit the jackpot! Day in, day out, poor people in Torn try to get the jackpot, by bidding their money, and a lot of them are sad when they get nothing."
"Imagine if this was you, people! Only $10 and you use it on the casino. Next thing you know, you have no money... I hope this will help those people who think they have a good chance of the jackpot."
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