sugarvalves [1963573] —
Original article
Mutinies cause Team Cupcake to crumble. Necromancers lose their magic touch. Nasty Surprise turn surprisingly nasty.
Hopes of a drama-free Elimination competition were soundly quashed last night, as several members of the Nasty Surprise team elected to blame this very paper for its consistently poor showing, amid further rumours of severe discontent within the ranks of their leaders.
It was the Spartans who suffered the first life loss of the competition when the Elimination period opened at 17:00 TCT. One hour later, the Necromancers spent a frantic final few minutes trading places with Nasty Surprise, only for the mailbombers to finish last by the width of an envelope. Nasty also likely lost another life at the 7pm cut-off point too - I cannot be sure, for I was far from the battlefield at Chingford Morrisons.
Upon my return at 8pm, I saw Spartans engaged in a furious battle with Nasty Surprise and Snowflakes to avoid another life loss. Yet again, the fight went down to the wire, and although it was Nasty Surprise who once more ended as the loser, Snowflakes can count themselves very lucky indeed, having dropped down to last position one second after the deadline.
At 9pm the Spartans were reduced to 23 lives as Nasty Surprise narrowly avoided a second consecutive loss. And it was at this point I began to notice several messages landing in my inbox and chats. I was pleased that I hadn't purchased any salt during my earlier trip to the supermarket, because thanks to the ladies and gents of Nasty Surprise, I now had it in abundance.
Pictured: The hate from Oran was especially troubling, as that's the name of my barber. Let's hope he doesn't shave me all wrong.
These unhinged diatribes were followed by two equally amusing forum posts courtesy of S98 and Oran. Both posts have now been graved, presumably after each player realised they were exposing themselves more publicly than Louis CK. But the overnight scores show that the damage may already have been done.
First, at 10pm, it was Chocolate Pain's turn to endure the tragic loss of life. Then at 11pm it was Nasty Surprise again, with their members' attempt to gain sympathy from the community falling on ears deafer than Helen Keller's. At midnight the Necromancers' magic finally ran out, as they too lost their first life amid even more controversy over the idleness of one of their most venerated members.
Pictured: Leeches.
When I took two buses and a train to slumbertown the scores at the bottom were relatively close, with the Necromancers and Chocolate Pain on 24, Spartans on 23 and Nasty Surprise on 21. However, this morning I woke to discover that, just like that time I unplugged grandma to play Tekken, things had taken a turn for the worst overnight.
Chocolate Pain lost another life at 5am to take them down to 23, but the most significant damage had been done to the Spartans and Nasty Surprise, who lost three and four lives respectively while I was dreaming about expired mayonnaise. Nasty Surprise had a particularly torrid time between 1am and 3am, losing three lives in as many hours, leaving them on a score of 17 as of 8am this morning.
Later that hour, I watched as Nasty and Spartans traded places to avoid falling further behind. Villains and Team Cupcake were in danger but both rallied to avoid a loss just minutes before. With ten seconds left, Nasty and Spartans swapped 1's and 0's like two schizophrenic robots having a breakdown. Then it happened. Nasty Surprise lost again. Surely they were doomed. Nasty have now lost so many lives I wouldn't be surprised if Donald Trump came out and denied it.
Pictured: Appropriate.
What surprises me is why anyone is still attacking them. Yes, my article did indeed imply that Nasty Surprise were the strongest team, but clearly this is untrue. The relentless assault upon Nasty Surprise is even more nasty and surprising given the fact that no tickets are awarded to the attackers if the victim's team possesses no tickets of their own, which is frequently the case of late.
Still, it would be a tragedy to see a team depart the competition so early, but according to one anonymous source, many in Nasty's leadership think the game is already up.
This player followed up their comments with the following quote:
"Our leaders voice is nowhere, they have not been there, we have been fending for ourselves and most of us have given up. We have no morale what so ever, our so called leaders have not given us any information on what our plan is, the only leader who has been trying is Stretch, it was that bad last night that someone had to become our temp leader and spoke to another team to try and get us some tickets, as a team we are all fighting amongst each other. There is no nasty surprise other than the select few."
"And nasty surprise are blaming the paper for losing when in reality its just the players who think they know best that are making us lose by attacking our so called allies, which seem to be attacking us."
Stretch claims that the comments above are grade-A baloney, and that Nasty are in fine spirits following a decent afternoon and a motivational speech given by himself. Stretch insists the Nasty Surprise team will never give up, and nor will they kowtow to the demands of those who would seek to use their situation for their own personal gain.
The Torn City Times sincerely hopes that Nasty Surprise remain part of the competition come this time tomorrow, and we would like to apologise for ever implying that your members were strong or indeed capable in any way. Nasty aren't the only ones having trouble though. Further anonymous sources tell me that Team Cupcake and Necromancers, who are reportedly in alliance, are both suffering from internal schisms - sounds painful.
A member of the Necromancers informs me that Bruce-LeeFFS has started a mutiny against leader Roguesubmarine, with a rebel force of 100 of their 1,000 members having joined up with him after he was kicked from the council. Bruce-LeeFFS was reportedly booted after sharing private information with other competitors, and he has since ordered his followers to renege on their agreement with Team Cupcake and attack their former allies - who are also having a tough time keeping their soldiers in line.
Thanks to the chaos behind the scenes, both teams found themselves in a four way fight at 10am this morning, with Villains and Nasty Surprise also joining the fray. With 20 seconds left it seemed it would be the Villains' turn to lose their first life, as they were some way off their rivals with mere seconds to go. Then, as if by magic, the Necromancers fell rapidly before a 500 error shielded the result from view. When the mist cleared, the Necromancers were revealed to have lost their second life.
11am involved another fearful foursome fraught with failure, as Team Cupcake, Nasty Surprise and Villains were joined by the Spartans. It was the latter who eventually perished, with Nasty Surprise finishing the hour some way off the final spot - perhaps redemption was forthcoming after all. Around this time I was also informed that Dekloren, aka Dikloren, has been hitting his own Dongs teammates. What a lovely fella.
The 12pm deadline saw Nasty Surprise, Spartans and Team Cupcake battling by themselves. In the end, Spartans capitulated right at the death, dropping the first of several lives they would lose this afternoon. Next up it was the turn of Nasty Surprise once more, whose recovery was briefly interrupted as they fell to a total of 15 lives - six more than a cat has.
However, that was to be the last life Nasty Surprise would lose before this report was published. At 2pm the Necromancers dropped down to 22, putting them third from last in the competition. But this was followed by a distinctly un-Spartan surrender from the beefcake Greeks, as Spartans proceeded to lose a life every hour from 3pm until 6pm.
Chocolate Pain and Cereal Killers both came close to losing lives, but neither were able to stand in the way of Spartans' unstoppable slide down the table. After 24 hours of the Elimination period we now have a tie for last place, with both Nasty Surprise and Spartans wedged on 15 lives each. DONGS and G.O.A.T. seem to be running away with it out front, but it remains to be seen if these two will continue their hegemony once the field of opponents shrinks over the next few days.
It was the Spartans who suffered the first life loss of the competition when the Elimination period opened at 17:00 TCT. One hour later, the Necromancers spent a frantic final few minutes trading places with Nasty Surprise, only for the mailbombers to finish last by the width of an envelope. Nasty also likely lost another life at the 7pm cut-off point too - I cannot be sure, for I was far from the battlefield at Chingford Morrisons.
Upon my return at 8pm, I saw Spartans engaged in a furious battle with Nasty Surprise and Snowflakes to avoid another life loss. Yet again, the fight went down to the wire, and although it was Nasty Surprise who once more ended as the loser, Snowflakes can count themselves very lucky indeed, having dropped down to last position one second after the deadline.
At 9pm the Spartans were reduced to 23 lives as Nasty Surprise narrowly avoided a second consecutive loss. And it was at this point I began to notice several messages landing in my inbox and chats. I was pleased that I hadn't purchased any salt during my earlier trip to the supermarket, because thanks to the ladies and gents of Nasty Surprise, I now had it in abundance.
Pictured: The hate from Oran was especially troubling, as that's the name of my barber. Let's hope he doesn't shave me all wrong.
These unhinged diatribes were followed by two equally amusing forum posts courtesy of S98 and Oran. Both posts have now been graved, presumably after each player realised they were exposing themselves more publicly than Louis CK. But the overnight scores show that the damage may already have been done.
First, at 10pm, it was Chocolate Pain's turn to endure the tragic loss of life. Then at 11pm it was Nasty Surprise again, with their members' attempt to gain sympathy from the community falling on ears deafer than Helen Keller's. At midnight the Necromancers' magic finally ran out, as they too lost their first life amid even more controversy over the idleness of one of their most venerated members.
Pictured: Leeches.
When I took two buses and a train to slumbertown the scores at the bottom were relatively close, with the Necromancers and Chocolate Pain on 24, Spartans on 23 and Nasty Surprise on 21. However, this morning I woke to discover that, just like that time I unplugged grandma to play Tekken, things had taken a turn for the worst overnight.
Chocolate Pain lost another life at 5am to take them down to 23, but the most significant damage had been done to the Spartans and Nasty Surprise, who lost three and four lives respectively while I was dreaming about expired mayonnaise. Nasty Surprise had a particularly torrid time between 1am and 3am, losing three lives in as many hours, leaving them on a score of 17 as of 8am this morning.
Later that hour, I watched as Nasty and Spartans traded places to avoid falling further behind. Villains and Team Cupcake were in danger but both rallied to avoid a loss just minutes before. With ten seconds left, Nasty and Spartans swapped 1's and 0's like two schizophrenic robots having a breakdown. Then it happened. Nasty Surprise lost again. Surely they were doomed. Nasty have now lost so many lives I wouldn't be surprised if Donald Trump came out and denied it.
Pictured: Appropriate.
What surprises me is why anyone is still attacking them. Yes, my article did indeed imply that Nasty Surprise were the strongest team, but clearly this is untrue. The relentless assault upon Nasty Surprise is even more nasty and surprising given the fact that no tickets are awarded to the attackers if the victim's team possesses no tickets of their own, which is frequently the case of late.
Still, it would be a tragedy to see a team depart the competition so early, but according to one anonymous source, many in Nasty's leadership think the game is already up.
This player followed up their comments with the following quote:
"Our leaders voice is nowhere, they have not been there, we have been fending for ourselves and most of us have given up. We have no morale what so ever, our so called leaders have not given us any information on what our plan is, the only leader who has been trying is Stretch, it was that bad last night that someone had to become our temp leader and spoke to another team to try and get us some tickets, as a team we are all fighting amongst each other. There is no nasty surprise other than the select few."
"And nasty surprise are blaming the paper for losing when in reality its just the players who think they know best that are making us lose by attacking our so called allies, which seem to be attacking us."
Stretch claims that the comments above are grade-A baloney, and that Nasty are in fine spirits following a decent afternoon and a motivational speech given by himself. Stretch insists the Nasty Surprise team will never give up, and nor will they kowtow to the demands of those who would seek to use their situation for their own personal gain.
The Torn City Times sincerely hopes that Nasty Surprise remain part of the competition come this time tomorrow, and we would like to apologise for ever implying that your members were strong or indeed capable in any way. Nasty aren't the only ones having trouble though. Further anonymous sources tell me that Team Cupcake and Necromancers, who are reportedly in alliance, are both suffering from internal schisms - sounds painful.
A member of the Necromancers informs me that Bruce-LeeFFS has started a mutiny against leader Roguesubmarine, with a rebel force of 100 of their 1,000 members having joined up with him after he was kicked from the council. Bruce-LeeFFS was reportedly booted after sharing private information with other competitors, and he has since ordered his followers to renege on their agreement with Team Cupcake and attack their former allies - who are also having a tough time keeping their soldiers in line.
Thanks to the chaos behind the scenes, both teams found themselves in a four way fight at 10am this morning, with Villains and Nasty Surprise also joining the fray. With 20 seconds left it seemed it would be the Villains' turn to lose their first life, as they were some way off their rivals with mere seconds to go. Then, as if by magic, the Necromancers fell rapidly before a 500 error shielded the result from view. When the mist cleared, the Necromancers were revealed to have lost their second life.
11am involved another fearful foursome fraught with failure, as Team Cupcake, Nasty Surprise and Villains were joined by the Spartans. It was the latter who eventually perished, with Nasty Surprise finishing the hour some way off the final spot - perhaps redemption was forthcoming after all. Around this time I was also informed that Dekloren, aka Dikloren, has been hitting his own Dongs teammates. What a lovely fella.
The 12pm deadline saw Nasty Surprise, Spartans and Team Cupcake battling by themselves. In the end, Spartans capitulated right at the death, dropping the first of several lives they would lose this afternoon. Next up it was the turn of Nasty Surprise once more, whose recovery was briefly interrupted as they fell to a total of 15 lives - six more than a cat has.
However, that was to be the last life Nasty Surprise would lose before this report was published. At 2pm the Necromancers dropped down to 22, putting them third from last in the competition. But this was followed by a distinctly un-Spartan surrender from the beefcake Greeks, as Spartans proceeded to lose a life every hour from 3pm until 6pm.
Chocolate Pain and Cereal Killers both came close to losing lives, but neither were able to stand in the way of Spartans' unstoppable slide down the table. After 24 hours of the Elimination period we now have a tie for last place, with both Nasty Surprise and Spartans wedged on 15 lives each. DONGS and G.O.A.T. seem to be running away with it out front, but it remains to be seen if these two will continue their hegemony once the field of opponents shrinks over the next few days.
Original article
Comments
Post a Comment