sugarvalves [1963573] —
Original article
Five teams reportedly in alliance and willing to fix top five places. Nasty Surprise and Spartans eliminated. Chat bots and scripting allegations made. Cupcake coup imminent.
After a wretchedly poor start to Elimination, both Spartans and Nasty Surprise have finally figured out how to stop losing lives. Much like a man who rips out his own eyes because he can't stop crying, the two worst teams in the competition managed to end their run of poor form by simply running out of lives to lose. What a clever plan. Why didn't they think of it before?
But now that we've lost the deadest of dead wood, what else is going on within the ranks of the ten remaining teams? Which side has a series of chatbots infesting the discord servers of their enemies and allies? Who has a script which enables them to harvest information from their rivals? And is there really a five-team alliance attempting to fix the whole competition behind the scenes? Let's find out.
THIS. IS. SPARTAHAHAHA
The Spartans were the first team to be eliminated from the competition at 11am on Saturday morning - at least that's what everyone thought when their lives dropped to zero. However, the rules of Elimination state that a team can only be eliminated once they finish last and already have zero lives. I did explain this quite clearly at the outset of the competition, but perhaps I should've drawn a little diagram in crayon to help some of our intellectually challenged citizens understand. I'm looking at you Sharpmid.
The Spartans were actually knocked out one hour later at 12pm, when they suffered their eleventh loss of the day after an already abysmal run of form, at one point having lost nine lives in a row between 1am and 9am. This followed another run of seven lost lives between 3pm and 9pm, bringing their total to an incredible nineteen lives shed between 3pm on the 14th and their eventual defeat at noon the next day.
I received several long and angry messages from the Spartans shortly after their elimination. However, unlike the deluded simpletons of Nasty Surprise, Spartans' anger was directed towards their leadership rather than a journalist of impeccable honour and accuracy. I haven't read all of these messages as most were about as exciting as a vegan barbecue, but I did manage to summon up the courage to briefly peruse a few.
One player claimed that infighting within the Spartan camp caused distrust to spread like hot margarine, and that their attack plans came far too late for their members to do anything about it. Another told me that there had been confusion regarding Spartans' alliances, and players were only told of a partnership with G.O.A.T. on the morning of their destruction, when several goats had already been attacked.
The Spartans had quite a decent start to the competition, and at one point were actually leading in terms of tickets. Then their members went to bed - a fatal mistake - awaking the next day to discover their team had been slaughtered - omg just like in the film! Spartans' leadership, which mostly consisted of 39th Street members, promised that this was all part of their plan, and that a counter strategy would soon lead them to victory.
It turns out they weren't lying, they just thought the word victory meant "abject failure." With the leaders and the team at each other's throats, organisation went out of the window quicker than someone who really likes throwing themselves out of windows but is actually quite happy, as target spreadsheets and tactics were nowhere to be seen during a crucial part of the competition. One Spartan summed it up nicely with the following quote:
"I liken this one strategy to a fish being told he needs to fly because all the birds are flying, or a cannon being told it needs to move at the speed of a horse in battle in order to keep up."
Goodbye Spartans. We wish you well in the afterlife. The light that burns twice as bright burns half as long. And so, it seems, does a light that nobody bothered to switch on in the first place.
NASTY SURPRISE UNSURPRISINGLY DESTROYED
Next it was the turn of Nasty Surprise to feel death's hot breath on the nape of their neck. If truth be told, I started writing this article at midday before Nasty's exit had been confirmed, but I was so confident they'd be dead by the time I'd finished I cracked on anyway. And I was right; not that this foresight brought me any pleasure.
At noon NS were embroiled in a bit of a tizz with Cereal Killers, Necromancers, Undead and an increasingly distressed-looking G.O.A.T. Nasty lost their lunchtime battle and dropped another life at 1pm. Their long overdue death came one hour later, when Nasty Surprise out-surrendered Chocolate Pain to become the second team to be eliminated from the competition. I'd like to say I'm sad to see them go, but I only tell lies if it is funny or profitable for me to do so.
I have received many kind words from Nasty Surprise members over the past few days, many of whom apologised for the mean messages sent by their teammates which made me cry all the water out of my body. Most NS members believe that it was their leadership, not my article, which caused their slow, agonising defeat. ZOMB13 seems to share this view, and he provided me with the following words from his brain:
"So basically leadership is a shit show. JFA and MnC can't seem to work together. Stretch and nova always arguing. And they have people like hulk on the council which makes the council look like a joke."
I've also received word of further drama in the Nasty Surprise camp caused by buy-mugger Ralucakiss84. Heresy23 told the Torn City times that Raluca had been buymugging other Nasty Surprise members during the competition under direction from Abdullah. Both Abdullah and Ralucakiss84 have stayed suspiciously silent on this matter, mostly because I haven't yet bothered to ask them for comment.
FIVE WAY ALLIANCE FIXES ELIMINATION?
I have heard from several sources that a five-way alliance is in place between a group of teams which may include G.O.A.T, Necromancers and three others - because two plus three equals five. It is believed that these teams intend to rig the competition and secure the top five spots for themselves, as KPCSlor revealed on Discord.
"I have a proposal on the table for a top 5 deal that 's pretty solid, but they are asking that we swap out our team leader to make it happen. I have no problem letting a new level 30 be in charge (obviously), but Torn is a small world and the top faction leaders want to work with the other top faction leaders. We have been so wishy washy the past week they are asking that I take over because they know they can trust me."
The leadership replacement issue KPCSlor mentions is something we'll come to later. In the meantime, let's try and figure out who is playing nicely with who. I have been told that the Spartans were instructed to avoid attacking G.O.A.T., Villains and Cereal Killers before they were defeated. I am also aware that the Necromancers were formerly in alliance with both Team Cupcake and Nasty Surprise, but those emo Gandalfs elected to turn on their chums for reasons we'll find out soon.
I am confident that Undead, G.O.A.T. and Spartans were allied at some point, so it may be that Necromancers were also part of this agreement. If I were to hazard a guess, I'd say that Necromancers, G.O.A.T., Undead, Cereal Killers and Villains were the five in alliance, with Spartans being tricked into believing they were part of it, like that kid you pretended to be friends with in school just because he owned a PS4.
In response, Dongs and Snowflakes are said to have formed a counter alliance, with Villains leaving the original five-way after it fell apart. I cannot confirm this from a Dongs perspective because nobody will tell me anything anymore - and with good reason - but if I am correct, then said alliance seems about as lively as Mac Miller's corpse, twitching and wretching in the hours before its inevitable demise.
G.O.A.T. in particular seems to have bitten off more than they can chew (JUST LIKE A REAL GOAT WOULD DO) after a strong start put them in pole position alongside Dongs. It may be that G.O.A.T. were once members of the five-way alliance, but they have now been targeted by their allies after going against the initial plan, with the remaining alliance carrying on as a foursome. You know, like how that boyband 5ive carried on with four members, despite their name no longer making sense.
Pictured: The Elimination Alliance. My favourite was Jay. He was so surly.
An anonymous source also told me that Romantics had tried to arrange non-aggression pacts with everyone in the competition, but that this had now backfired and everyone has started attacking them, which is objectively hilarious. The same source told me that I had the lineups for the alliances all wrong, and that the actual treaties were as follows:
NECROMANCERS SINK TO NEW DEPTHS
Leaders behind the aforementioned five-way alliance have recently demanded the removal of RogueSubmarine from her position as a leader of the Necromancers, claiming the Level 31 player and third-place Ms Torn is too inexperienced to lead these increasingly salty wizards.
"Yesterday, the five team alliance that Council Members Triplicant (Level 46, 627 days old) and RagefulManiac (Level 24, 115 days old) organized came to a conclusion that they would not work with Necromancers past the destruction of Nasty Surprise if I, RogueSubmarine (Level 31, 743 days old) was still a Leader for our team."
"Council Member and Faction Leader, KPCSlor came to me in a private message on Discord to pass off all out-of-team negotiations to him, as G.O.A.T Leader, Proxima (Level 100, 1355 days old) reportedly commented that I am not experienced enough in the game to run a team effectively."
Rogue stepped down from her post, and the Necromancers are now being led by Triplicant, KPCSlor, RagefulManiac, Silver_Rose and a blind weasel which has been given the power of speech. RogueSubmarine had originally put herself forward for leadership through her calls to action and encouragement given towards low statted players. She claims to have messaged almost every single member of her team in a bid to reduce inactives, while also donating hundreds of millions worth of drugs, meds and booster bags to support the Necromancer cause.
G.O.A.T. leader Proxima reportedly told RagefulManiac that Rogue had to go after Necromancers double-crossed their allies Team Cupcake - an alliance which Rogue had negotiated with their leader Hotshot. Rogue told me she was against this double crossing but was strong armed into it, and the result was a complete zeroing of Necro's tickets by the Nasty Cupcake alliance - a quite wonderful name if I do say so myself. TC council member Hotshot explains more:
"The issue arised when despite clear terms of our agreement, the Necromancers brought Nasty close to zero points. It confused us at Cupcakes and insisted to us that they were planning on revolting against our treaty - targeting us next. We promptly rallied the Cupcake Warriors and zeroed Necromancers within the space of two hours."
"It was truly a marvellous tandem of teamwork and organisation on our part to get that done so efficiently - while also serving as a statement of intent...we take our alliances strongly. The response from Necromancers was positive at first, with RogueSubmarine seeming to understand why, but not like that we took them out. Nihar, however, was swayed by the captivating mystique of St. Relentless herself and opted to divide leadership opinions by making us a primary target."
A Necromancers member who wishes not to be named sees things differently, arguing that since Team Cupcake attacked his side while they were trying to hold others down, it was actually they who reneged on the deal first. However, something everyone seems to agree on is that Nihar is a piece of s**t. Nihar is known to have been especially destructive towards his own team's cause, having repeatedly shared sensitive data and screenshots from the Necromancers' discord with members of rival teams.
I have it on good authority that Nihar is now being kept in the dark regarding the Necromancers' tactics and alliances, with false info being fed to him like a baby who won't eat vegetables unless they're all mushed up to look like mashed potato. Several screenshots were provided to me which indicate the level of contempt for Nihar within the Necromancers' membership, and these images also expose an internal debate over alliances which seem to have become muddled.
And in a late breaking development, I have been told that the Villains are about to attempt to zero the Necromancers, adding further fuel to the rumoured alliance lineups we speculated earlier.
CREAMY CUPCAKE COUP UNDERWAY
I'm hearing rumours from Team Cupcake that their leadership team of The_Boss and Hotshot is braced for a coup attempt, with most of their members unhappy at being led by two members of PT-Calculated.
The_Boss took control of Team Cupcake after announcing his credentials in a forum post, having previously served as leader of Mountain Men during their successful 2016 campaign and Rebel Front for their third-place finish last year. The_Boss initially proposed a democratic vote to decide on leadership of Team Cupcake, but this was soon abandoned in favour of sweet delicious dictatorship.
Pictured: Dictator Cake.
Kamster, MissMary and Hasse spoke out against the leadership early on, but to no avail, as Hotshot joined his factionmate at the top to consolidate PT-Calculated's hold over Team Cupcake. Things seemed to settle down when The_Boss announced a series of alliances had been forged, but this changed when members began to question why they were fighting to benefit their allies instead of gaining tickets.
Snooch was particularly outspoken on this matter, and he lost his seat on their leadership team as a result. The_Boss and Hotshot have kept their positions for the time being, but according to my anonymous source, it seems their time in charge is rapidly running out.
"As Cupcakes begins to climb again, a fragile peace has overtaken the team. But the trust in the leaders is gone. Every small dip in the tickets leads to doomsayers and whiners. People are losing faith and beginning to implement their own plans instead of an organized assault. Strikes and deliberate attacks on our allies are further undermining our chances at survival."
I have heard from another source that a separate leadership council has already been formed, and will seek to install itself as head of Team Cupcake sometime over the next 24 hours. Will the rebels rise to the occasion, or will they be battered (LIKE CAKE BATTER) into oblivion?
BOTS UP WITH ALL THESE SCRIPTS?
As an impartial reporter I must rely on dirty, no-good, double-crossing players to send me screenshots from their own team's private discord channels. However, the Necromancers have no need for such things, since they've used their experience in the dark arts to conjure up a series of bots which have infiltrated their rivals' chat rooms.
I have been told that this bot was present in Team Cupcake's discord server during their time in alliance. Team Cupcake's Hotshot believes this to be untrue, claiming that the rumour represents an attempt at psychological warfare on the part of the Necromancers.
"RogueSubmarine and co are doing their best to play mind games because of the frequent screenshots I send her from within her own council. There can only be one winner in that game, and that's me."
It is hard to know what to believe anymore, especially as I myself have forgotten which of the claims in this article were real and which I've made up. Regardless, whoever the Necromancers find themselves in cahoots with would do well to keep an eye on what is being said within their chat rooms. Just like anyone with rural Texan ancestry, the Necromancers have eyes and ears everywhere.
Interestingly, Hotshot indicates that the Necromancers inner circle has also been breached, which sounds rather painful when you put it like that.
"If you are interested in seeing Necro's entire council chat, please let me know."
Another piece of technological warfare brought to my attention yesterday involves a script reportedly employed by the G.O.A.T.s. to harvest information. This script can be used by anyone to see when players leave the hospital or cannot be targeted, but it is not able to be deployed against its creator Mauk or his G.O.A.T. teammates.
Chedburn has confirmed to me that said script is entirely legal and within the rules of the competition. Still, it seems rather unfair for one team to have such an edge over the others. Will this cause every other team to attack the G.O.A.T.s now I've revealed they are effectively cheating? Who can say.
THE DONG ANSWER
As a sporadically active member of Dongs, it may seem unfaithful of me to publish information related to their strategy. I only do so out of loyalty to the ideals of free and impartial journalism, and because Dongs are so obviously going to win that it doesn't really matter what I say.
"We are working with Cereal, to eliminate Spartans. Working with dongs to eliminate cereal. Allied with people we are eliminating. Don't quote me. Oh and dekloren is a d**k. Basically, whoever goat want to eliminate we want the others. Just to annoy them. Don't feel like we can beat undead or goats 1v1"
These were the words of Dongs leader LDP, whose candour is second only to his leadership abilities and stunningly chiselled cheekbones. I doubt he would be pleased with himself if he knew he'd been leaking info to the Torn City Times, so let's hope he never tells himself what he's been getting up to.
Would you like to hear more secret information from inside the Dongs camp? I know you would, because you love leaks almost as much as R Kelly does. I can exclusively reveal to you, my handsome readers, that a member of the Dongs known as Flash Dong has been lying to our members via the Dongs discord. The following screengrab demonstrates his despicable chicanery for all to see.
Everyone knows that your lives are not more important than Torn. If your team needs you to make attacks in the last few minutes of elimination, take down your wind chime, open your laptop and let that hurricane wear itself out.
THE BLIND TRUTH
Since our last report we've seen Nasty Surprise and Spartans killed off, the Undead lose eight lives, the Necromancers drop four lives, Team Cupcake shed three lives and Chocolate Pain endure just the one loss so far. At the time of writing, Undead sit on 17, Necromancers on 18, and both Team Cupcake and Chocolate Pain have 22 lives each.
Meanwhile, the likes of Dongs, Villains, Cereal Killers, Romantics, G.O.A.T. and Snowflakes are yet to lose a single life. Dongs are the only team who have consistently remained at the top of the leaderboard so far, and according to a member of rival team Snowflakes, this may be because of their high percentage of active players.
bLiNd has completed a survey of all the elimination teams and discovered that, as of Saturday evening, 843 of Dongs 1,000 players had made at least one hit. One behind Dongs were the G.O.A.T.s on 842, followed by Cereal Killers on 804, Undead on 799, Team Cupcake on 784, Necromancers on 778, Nasty Surprise on 768, Villains on 750, Spartans and Romantics on 735, Snowflakes on 705 and Chocolate Pain on 654.
Thank you to bLiNd for this intriguing information. We'll be pestering him for an update on these totals in due course. Also, if the knowledge that the Dongs are the most active team leads to their demise, I take zero responsibility for publishing bLiNd's comments. Please direct your fire and / or fury towards him.
TELL ME LIES, TELL ME SWEET LITTLE LIES
Propaganda has become an important tool in the 2018 Elimination competition thus far, and this seems set to continue based on a message the Times received yesterday, one which hints at a misinformation campaign being used to form and destroy alliances.
In addition to this campaign of lies, it has been brought to my attention that some unscrupulous individuals have been attempting to place false stories in the Torn City Times by submitting fake news to yours truly.
I would like to make it clear that such subversion is easily detected by myself and my reporting team. Every story which passes my desk is thoroughly checked before publication for its accuracy and veracity, and I have the utmost faith that the magic 8 ball I use achieve this scrupulousness would not lie to me.
But now that we've lost the deadest of dead wood, what else is going on within the ranks of the ten remaining teams? Which side has a series of chatbots infesting the discord servers of their enemies and allies? Who has a script which enables them to harvest information from their rivals? And is there really a five-team alliance attempting to fix the whole competition behind the scenes? Let's find out.
THIS. IS. SPARTAHAHAHA
The Spartans were the first team to be eliminated from the competition at 11am on Saturday morning - at least that's what everyone thought when their lives dropped to zero. However, the rules of Elimination state that a team can only be eliminated once they finish last and already have zero lives. I did explain this quite clearly at the outset of the competition, but perhaps I should've drawn a little diagram in crayon to help some of our intellectually challenged citizens understand. I'm looking at you Sharpmid.
The Spartans were actually knocked out one hour later at 12pm, when they suffered their eleventh loss of the day after an already abysmal run of form, at one point having lost nine lives in a row between 1am and 9am. This followed another run of seven lost lives between 3pm and 9pm, bringing their total to an incredible nineteen lives shed between 3pm on the 14th and their eventual defeat at noon the next day.
I received several long and angry messages from the Spartans shortly after their elimination. However, unlike the deluded simpletons of Nasty Surprise, Spartans' anger was directed towards their leadership rather than a journalist of impeccable honour and accuracy. I haven't read all of these messages as most were about as exciting as a vegan barbecue, but I did manage to summon up the courage to briefly peruse a few.
One player claimed that infighting within the Spartan camp caused distrust to spread like hot margarine, and that their attack plans came far too late for their members to do anything about it. Another told me that there had been confusion regarding Spartans' alliances, and players were only told of a partnership with G.O.A.T. on the morning of their destruction, when several goats had already been attacked.
The Spartans had quite a decent start to the competition, and at one point were actually leading in terms of tickets. Then their members went to bed - a fatal mistake - awaking the next day to discover their team had been slaughtered - omg just like in the film! Spartans' leadership, which mostly consisted of 39th Street members, promised that this was all part of their plan, and that a counter strategy would soon lead them to victory.
It turns out they weren't lying, they just thought the word victory meant "abject failure." With the leaders and the team at each other's throats, organisation went out of the window quicker than someone who really likes throwing themselves out of windows but is actually quite happy, as target spreadsheets and tactics were nowhere to be seen during a crucial part of the competition. One Spartan summed it up nicely with the following quote:
"I liken this one strategy to a fish being told he needs to fly because all the birds are flying, or a cannon being told it needs to move at the speed of a horse in battle in order to keep up."
Goodbye Spartans. We wish you well in the afterlife. The light that burns twice as bright burns half as long. And so, it seems, does a light that nobody bothered to switch on in the first place.
NASTY SURPRISE UNSURPRISINGLY DESTROYED
Next it was the turn of Nasty Surprise to feel death's hot breath on the nape of their neck. If truth be told, I started writing this article at midday before Nasty's exit had been confirmed, but I was so confident they'd be dead by the time I'd finished I cracked on anyway. And I was right; not that this foresight brought me any pleasure.
At noon NS were embroiled in a bit of a tizz with Cereal Killers, Necromancers, Undead and an increasingly distressed-looking G.O.A.T. Nasty lost their lunchtime battle and dropped another life at 1pm. Their long overdue death came one hour later, when Nasty Surprise out-surrendered Chocolate Pain to become the second team to be eliminated from the competition. I'd like to say I'm sad to see them go, but I only tell lies if it is funny or profitable for me to do so.
I have received many kind words from Nasty Surprise members over the past few days, many of whom apologised for the mean messages sent by their teammates which made me cry all the water out of my body. Most NS members believe that it was their leadership, not my article, which caused their slow, agonising defeat. ZOMB13 seems to share this view, and he provided me with the following words from his brain:
"So basically leadership is a shit show. JFA and MnC can't seem to work together. Stretch and nova always arguing. And they have people like hulk on the council which makes the council look like a joke."
I've also received word of further drama in the Nasty Surprise camp caused by buy-mugger Ralucakiss84. Heresy23 told the Torn City times that Raluca had been buymugging other Nasty Surprise members during the competition under direction from Abdullah. Both Abdullah and Ralucakiss84 have stayed suspiciously silent on this matter, mostly because I haven't yet bothered to ask them for comment.
FIVE WAY ALLIANCE FIXES ELIMINATION?
I have heard from several sources that a five-way alliance is in place between a group of teams which may include G.O.A.T, Necromancers and three others - because two plus three equals five. It is believed that these teams intend to rig the competition and secure the top five spots for themselves, as KPCSlor revealed on Discord.
"I have a proposal on the table for a top 5 deal that 's pretty solid, but they are asking that we swap out our team leader to make it happen. I have no problem letting a new level 30 be in charge (obviously), but Torn is a small world and the top faction leaders want to work with the other top faction leaders. We have been so wishy washy the past week they are asking that I take over because they know they can trust me."
The leadership replacement issue KPCSlor mentions is something we'll come to later. In the meantime, let's try and figure out who is playing nicely with who. I have been told that the Spartans were instructed to avoid attacking G.O.A.T., Villains and Cereal Killers before they were defeated. I am also aware that the Necromancers were formerly in alliance with both Team Cupcake and Nasty Surprise, but those emo Gandalfs elected to turn on their chums for reasons we'll find out soon.
I am confident that Undead, G.O.A.T. and Spartans were allied at some point, so it may be that Necromancers were also part of this agreement. If I were to hazard a guess, I'd say that Necromancers, G.O.A.T., Undead, Cereal Killers and Villains were the five in alliance, with Spartans being tricked into believing they were part of it, like that kid you pretended to be friends with in school just because he owned a PS4.
In response, Dongs and Snowflakes are said to have formed a counter alliance, with Villains leaving the original five-way after it fell apart. I cannot confirm this from a Dongs perspective because nobody will tell me anything anymore - and with good reason - but if I am correct, then said alliance seems about as lively as Mac Miller's corpse, twitching and wretching in the hours before its inevitable demise.
G.O.A.T. in particular seems to have bitten off more than they can chew (JUST LIKE A REAL GOAT WOULD DO) after a strong start put them in pole position alongside Dongs. It may be that G.O.A.T. were once members of the five-way alliance, but they have now been targeted by their allies after going against the initial plan, with the remaining alliance carrying on as a foursome. You know, like how that boyband 5ive carried on with four members, despite their name no longer making sense.
Pictured: The Elimination Alliance. My favourite was Jay. He was so surly.
An anonymous source also told me that Romantics had tried to arrange non-aggression pacts with everyone in the competition, but that this had now backfired and everyone has started attacking them, which is objectively hilarious. The same source told me that I had the lineups for the alliances all wrong, and that the actual treaties were as follows:
Dongs, Team Cupcake, Villains, Nasty Surprise, Snowflakes
vs
Necromancers, Cereal Killers, Undead, Chocolate Pain, G.O.A.T.
NECROMANCERS SINK TO NEW DEPTHS
Leaders behind the aforementioned five-way alliance have recently demanded the removal of RogueSubmarine from her position as a leader of the Necromancers, claiming the Level 31 player and third-place Ms Torn is too inexperienced to lead these increasingly salty wizards.
"Yesterday, the five team alliance that Council Members Triplicant (Level 46, 627 days old) and RagefulManiac (Level 24, 115 days old) organized came to a conclusion that they would not work with Necromancers past the destruction of Nasty Surprise if I, RogueSubmarine (Level 31, 743 days old) was still a Leader for our team."
"Council Member and Faction Leader, KPCSlor came to me in a private message on Discord to pass off all out-of-team negotiations to him, as G.O.A.T Leader, Proxima (Level 100, 1355 days old) reportedly commented that I am not experienced enough in the game to run a team effectively."
Rogue stepped down from her post, and the Necromancers are now being led by Triplicant, KPCSlor, RagefulManiac, Silver_Rose and a blind weasel which has been given the power of speech. RogueSubmarine had originally put herself forward for leadership through her calls to action and encouragement given towards low statted players. She claims to have messaged almost every single member of her team in a bid to reduce inactives, while also donating hundreds of millions worth of drugs, meds and booster bags to support the Necromancer cause.
G.O.A.T. leader Proxima reportedly told RagefulManiac that Rogue had to go after Necromancers double-crossed their allies Team Cupcake - an alliance which Rogue had negotiated with their leader Hotshot. Rogue told me she was against this double crossing but was strong armed into it, and the result was a complete zeroing of Necro's tickets by the Nasty Cupcake alliance - a quite wonderful name if I do say so myself. TC council member Hotshot explains more:
"The issue arised when despite clear terms of our agreement, the Necromancers brought Nasty close to zero points. It confused us at Cupcakes and insisted to us that they were planning on revolting against our treaty - targeting us next. We promptly rallied the Cupcake Warriors and zeroed Necromancers within the space of two hours."
"It was truly a marvellous tandem of teamwork and organisation on our part to get that done so efficiently - while also serving as a statement of intent...we take our alliances strongly. The response from Necromancers was positive at first, with RogueSubmarine seeming to understand why, but not like that we took them out. Nihar, however, was swayed by the captivating mystique of St. Relentless herself and opted to divide leadership opinions by making us a primary target."
A Necromancers member who wishes not to be named sees things differently, arguing that since Team Cupcake attacked his side while they were trying to hold others down, it was actually they who reneged on the deal first. However, something everyone seems to agree on is that Nihar is a piece of s**t. Nihar is known to have been especially destructive towards his own team's cause, having repeatedly shared sensitive data and screenshots from the Necromancers' discord with members of rival teams.
I have it on good authority that Nihar is now being kept in the dark regarding the Necromancers' tactics and alliances, with false info being fed to him like a baby who won't eat vegetables unless they're all mushed up to look like mashed potato. Several screenshots were provided to me which indicate the level of contempt for Nihar within the Necromancers' membership, and these images also expose an internal debate over alliances which seem to have become muddled.
And in a late breaking development, I have been told that the Villains are about to attempt to zero the Necromancers, adding further fuel to the rumoured alliance lineups we speculated earlier.
CREAMY CUPCAKE COUP UNDERWAY
I'm hearing rumours from Team Cupcake that their leadership team of The_Boss and Hotshot is braced for a coup attempt, with most of their members unhappy at being led by two members of PT-Calculated.
The_Boss took control of Team Cupcake after announcing his credentials in a forum post, having previously served as leader of Mountain Men during their successful 2016 campaign and Rebel Front for their third-place finish last year. The_Boss initially proposed a democratic vote to decide on leadership of Team Cupcake, but this was soon abandoned in favour of sweet delicious dictatorship.
Pictured: Dictator Cake.
Kamster, MissMary and Hasse spoke out against the leadership early on, but to no avail, as Hotshot joined his factionmate at the top to consolidate PT-Calculated's hold over Team Cupcake. Things seemed to settle down when The_Boss announced a series of alliances had been forged, but this changed when members began to question why they were fighting to benefit their allies instead of gaining tickets.
Snooch was particularly outspoken on this matter, and he lost his seat on their leadership team as a result. The_Boss and Hotshot have kept their positions for the time being, but according to my anonymous source, it seems their time in charge is rapidly running out.
"As Cupcakes begins to climb again, a fragile peace has overtaken the team. But the trust in the leaders is gone. Every small dip in the tickets leads to doomsayers and whiners. People are losing faith and beginning to implement their own plans instead of an organized assault. Strikes and deliberate attacks on our allies are further undermining our chances at survival."
I have heard from another source that a separate leadership council has already been formed, and will seek to install itself as head of Team Cupcake sometime over the next 24 hours. Will the rebels rise to the occasion, or will they be battered (LIKE CAKE BATTER) into oblivion?
BOTS UP WITH ALL THESE SCRIPTS?
As an impartial reporter I must rely on dirty, no-good, double-crossing players to send me screenshots from their own team's private discord channels. However, the Necromancers have no need for such things, since they've used their experience in the dark arts to conjure up a series of bots which have infiltrated their rivals' chat rooms.
I have been told that this bot was present in Team Cupcake's discord server during their time in alliance. Team Cupcake's Hotshot believes this to be untrue, claiming that the rumour represents an attempt at psychological warfare on the part of the Necromancers.
"RogueSubmarine and co are doing their best to play mind games because of the frequent screenshots I send her from within her own council. There can only be one winner in that game, and that's me."
It is hard to know what to believe anymore, especially as I myself have forgotten which of the claims in this article were real and which I've made up. Regardless, whoever the Necromancers find themselves in cahoots with would do well to keep an eye on what is being said within their chat rooms. Just like anyone with rural Texan ancestry, the Necromancers have eyes and ears everywhere.
Interestingly, Hotshot indicates that the Necromancers inner circle has also been breached, which sounds rather painful when you put it like that.
"If you are interested in seeing Necro's entire council chat, please let me know."
Another piece of technological warfare brought to my attention yesterday involves a script reportedly employed by the G.O.A.T.s. to harvest information. This script can be used by anyone to see when players leave the hospital or cannot be targeted, but it is not able to be deployed against its creator Mauk or his G.O.A.T. teammates.
Chedburn has confirmed to me that said script is entirely legal and within the rules of the competition. Still, it seems rather unfair for one team to have such an edge over the others. Will this cause every other team to attack the G.O.A.T.s now I've revealed they are effectively cheating? Who can say.
THE DONG ANSWER
As a sporadically active member of Dongs, it may seem unfaithful of me to publish information related to their strategy. I only do so out of loyalty to the ideals of free and impartial journalism, and because Dongs are so obviously going to win that it doesn't really matter what I say.
"We are working with Cereal, to eliminate Spartans. Working with dongs to eliminate cereal. Allied with people we are eliminating. Don't quote me. Oh and dekloren is a d**k. Basically, whoever goat want to eliminate we want the others. Just to annoy them. Don't feel like we can beat undead or goats 1v1"
These were the words of Dongs leader LDP, whose candour is second only to his leadership abilities and stunningly chiselled cheekbones. I doubt he would be pleased with himself if he knew he'd been leaking info to the Torn City Times, so let's hope he never tells himself what he's been getting up to.
Would you like to hear more secret information from inside the Dongs camp? I know you would, because you love leaks almost as much as R Kelly does. I can exclusively reveal to you, my handsome readers, that a member of the Dongs known as Flash Dong has been lying to our members via the Dongs discord. The following screengrab demonstrates his despicable chicanery for all to see.
Everyone knows that your lives are not more important than Torn. If your team needs you to make attacks in the last few minutes of elimination, take down your wind chime, open your laptop and let that hurricane wear itself out.
THE BLIND TRUTH
Since our last report we've seen Nasty Surprise and Spartans killed off, the Undead lose eight lives, the Necromancers drop four lives, Team Cupcake shed three lives and Chocolate Pain endure just the one loss so far. At the time of writing, Undead sit on 17, Necromancers on 18, and both Team Cupcake and Chocolate Pain have 22 lives each.
Meanwhile, the likes of Dongs, Villains, Cereal Killers, Romantics, G.O.A.T. and Snowflakes are yet to lose a single life. Dongs are the only team who have consistently remained at the top of the leaderboard so far, and according to a member of rival team Snowflakes, this may be because of their high percentage of active players.
bLiNd has completed a survey of all the elimination teams and discovered that, as of Saturday evening, 843 of Dongs 1,000 players had made at least one hit. One behind Dongs were the G.O.A.T.s on 842, followed by Cereal Killers on 804, Undead on 799, Team Cupcake on 784, Necromancers on 778, Nasty Surprise on 768, Villains on 750, Spartans and Romantics on 735, Snowflakes on 705 and Chocolate Pain on 654.
Thank you to bLiNd for this intriguing information. We'll be pestering him for an update on these totals in due course. Also, if the knowledge that the Dongs are the most active team leads to their demise, I take zero responsibility for publishing bLiNd's comments. Please direct your fire and / or fury towards him.
TELL ME LIES, TELL ME SWEET LITTLE LIES
Propaganda has become an important tool in the 2018 Elimination competition thus far, and this seems set to continue based on a message the Times received yesterday, one which hints at a misinformation campaign being used to form and destroy alliances.
In addition to this campaign of lies, it has been brought to my attention that some unscrupulous individuals have been attempting to place false stories in the Torn City Times by submitting fake news to yours truly.
I would like to make it clear that such subversion is easily detected by myself and my reporting team. Every story which passes my desk is thoroughly checked before publication for its accuracy and veracity, and I have the utmost faith that the magic 8 ball I use achieve this scrupulousness would not lie to me.
Original article
Comments
Post a Comment