sugarvalves [1963573] —
Original article
Team Cupcake take Elimination crown...but are they the real winners? The laziest teams and the most effective players are revealed in our final Elimination roundup.
IMPOTENT DONGS ROLL OVER AS CUPCAKES ROMP TO VICTORY
Team Cupcake cooked up some delicious victory in the Elimination competition early this morning, with their win having seemed a mere formality ever since runners-up the Snowflakes froze relations with the Dongs.
Despite a last-minute change of alliance, the Dongs could not avoid being sent to the doghouse on Monday morning, with the poor pooches finding themselves in the midst of a tactical battle between the two eventual finalists. The Dongs were euthanised at 3 am after a run of eighteen straight life-losses following on from the Villains' elimination the day before. But despite them ending the competition with just 440 tickets, the Dongs' trip to doggy heaven hadn't always seemed so certain.
After the departure of the Villains the Dongs were stuck on just a few hundred tickets for several hours. An alliance with Snowflakes had supposedly been arranged through their leader Thief, but the cold-hearted ice queens looked far from being man's best friend, doing virtually nothing to stem the tide of attacks of Cake on Dong violence.
Snowflakes' allegiance was later revealed to be a ruse designed to force Dongs to target Team Cupcake, allowing Snowflakes to do the same and build a gap between themselves and their likely opponents in the final. Snowflakes were so brazen that they even informed Team Cupcake's leadership of this plan, stating that while they still intended on helping TC in to the final two, they would do everything they could to weaken them beforehand.
Team Cupcake leader Hotshot revealed his response in a forum post earlier today, confessing to have reached out to Dongs leader Four to inform him of Snowflakes' plan. By this time many in Dongs had realised what was happening, with their members barking at the door as if the postman had just arrived covered in mince. A partnership with Team Cupcake was therefore Dongs only chance at survival, but surely it was too late in the dog day to turn things around.
And yet this is what almost happened, with Hotshot forced to deal with some serious questions from the Cupcake team after letting the Dongs cuddle up to them.
"Why in the f**k did we allow dongs to get over 1k pts and get close to snowfakes?"
Pictured: Oh what could have been.
With the Dongs still having many lives left, saving their cute lil doggy butts made no sense to the rank and file of the Cupcakes. But it seems that Hotshot knew exactly what he was doing - and if he didn't he did a good job of pretending. The Dongs soon rose up as if there were scraps on the table, and at one point were equal on tickets with the Snowflakes.
As we shall explore later, the Dongs had the highest attack average in the competition, and one of the highest participation rates too - they must've gotten into the treat cupboard - making them a severe threat to Team Cupcake if allowed to make it through to the final. Team Cupcake couldn't let this happen, so they decided to target the Dongs once more, with Snowflakes now low enough on tickets to make them extra fragile come the final.
With Snowflakes and Team Cupcake committing hourly acts of animal abuse, the Dongs really had no chance. Still, there were few regrets within their ranks after their exit, with Dongs council member Kamical thanking his teammates and those who donated to the Financial Assistance Program designed to support their efforts.
32 people donated towards this fund, with 96 people receiving aid as a result, allowing many low level players to perform far in excess of their stats and level. Fellow Dong DongAssassin - I don't know who he was before - praised his side's teamwork and coordination, commending both the leaders and members for their hard work.
"I think we just got gangdonged way too many times, and backstabbed...At first, we were mainly working with the snowflakes to take out the cupcakes. But, after seeing how lazy team snowflake was, and how they had such a small amount of activity, we eventually turned over to the cupcakes for a bit of solace."
"We could've taken out most teams. we have powerful, active members, and we had some good alliances. But, I think we just got screwed over by traitors, other alliances, and overall, the other teams working together to deflate the dongs...To commemorate this moment, I changed my name. Dongs unite, dongs forever. standing high, hard as rocks."
Barry_Allen wished to echo these sentiments, while also adding that he had a great time leading the Dongs during their Elimination campaign.
"I think we played our hardest and I'm really happy this morning because I just had my first full night of good sleep in three weeks. I loved every minute of those weeks and would do it over all again. #Dong4Lyfe."
We're sorry you had to be put down, Dongs. Oh well, at least you weren't neutered.
With Snowflakes on a reduced number of tickets, Team Cupcake's victory was a foregone conclusion after the elimination of the Dongs. The Snowflakes had a far lower participation rate than their rivals, and Team Cupcake's average attack total was far superior too. The fact that Snowflakes had a full complement of lives compared to TC's ten mattered not. It'd be like giving the Michael Schumacher of today a thousand lap head start against early 2000's Michael Schumacher.
Snowflake member Accurate made a rather embarrassing post begging the community for help to fight against the Cupcake menace - a post he later deleted, but which we've saved for posterity. Despite this plea, at 8 am Tuesday morning the ticket ratio was 11,000 to 439 in favour of Cupcakes, with Snowflakes having dropped five lives in five hours.
Two hours later another two lives were lost, and Team Cupcake gained even more tickets, with the team now on 11,526 compared to Snowflakes' 25 - Dongs having taken 440 tickets with them to bury in the backyard. The Snowflakes looked like they'd have more of a chance if they formed into a ball and sent themselves to hell, and at this rate, the competition would come to a conclusion at 5 am the following morning.
And so it proved, with Snowflake finishing on just six tickets when they were eliminated. Team Cupcake received their just desserts having consistently demonstrated high levels of organisation, activity and leadership throughout the competition. Leader Hotshot provided a rundown of their story and tactics which you can read here.
Goodbye Snowflakes. We are sorry if you were triggered by your own demise.
And congratulations Team Cupcake. Your victory was the icing on the cake that was Elimination 2018.
"Please give a shout out to our incredible council we had in Team Cupcake. The_Uncle, Kamster, Verdah, MgTheGreat, & Jokur. And to all of the incredible members who put all their time and efforts into winning this competition. Thank you!" - The_Boss
THE REAL WINNERS
Stormdust didn't officially take part in this year's Elimination, but he believes the real winners are people like him, the revivers, having personally made over $150 million during the three-week competition.
"This elimination has been hell for so many people. Attacking and being attacked constantly, always in the hospital or reviving. Spending millions and billions on this competition, for most of them to gain nothing in return. Some people have even complained in the Bugs & Issues part of the fourm about wanting to quit the competition.
"Revivers on the other hand, especially if they didn't join a team, have been making bank during this competition. Every team has needed revivers, and most of the revivers have been charging $1,000,000 per revive, although the price has gone down again since the beginning of this competition."
Most of the revivers Stormdust spoke to made $100mil + during Elimination, with many having joined a reviving channel in the Discord channels for Undead and Chocolate Pain. He was also in a contract with the Spartans, and although he made a decent amount from these three teams, more than half of Stormdust's fees came from stalking trade looking for freelance revives.
"Some people sent me enough money for bulk revives at the beginning and others would pay me after the end of every hour. There were a lot of people who I would revive and they would keep coming back to me when they needed revives, which really helped my profit. I have been into contact with many revivers over the elimination period just to see how it was going, and most of them have had similar experiences about reviving."
Pictured: My kind of reviver
DexTV, a reviver from the 39 Street Healers told Stormdust he didn't join the competition because he "didn't really see the point...reviving is my main source of income therefore I figured it would be better for me to just revive and make money." DextTV made over $250mil during the competition and didn't even revive as often as he could - he believes he would've made at least $400mil wih a little more effort or a contract.
DexTV wasn't under any contract or part of a Discord channel, he simply posted in trade chat and messaged the members of teams who seemed like they needed to a revive. Zaily, on the other hand, was a member of Nasty Surprise. She is also a member of 39 Street Healers, and her opinion on elimination reviving was not as positive, having given many free revives away during the competition.
"Rez during this event was horrible... a lot of them killed you right after you revived (them) but that may be because (I) was dumb and took part in (the competition)... I basically spent most of the time in the Hospital, and when I did revive, 50% payed (me) the others killed me."
Another problem Zaily faced was trust, with some people wary of her allegiance to Nasty Surprise, and many not wanting to be revived at all out of fear of being set up for attack. Still, it seems there was money to be made from reviving if you sold yourself properly. Stormdust says that the top two revivers he knows of performed 820+ and 900 revives during Elimination. And if each of those revives cost $1million, well, that would add up to the kind of numbers so high we can't even imagine what they might be. Zillions, probably.
VITAL STATISTICS
At the beginning of this competition certain teams were in uproar after we outed them as containing some of the strongest players in Torn City. To make up for this, we shall now perform the reverse by exposing the worst performing sides in Elimination 2018, and colour me surprised if a certain bunch of salty sausages aren't right down there in the bottom two.
SPARTANS - 12th
The Spartans had the lowest ratio of attacks per participant in the whole competition, with an average of just 45 successful hits made per member. They also had the second worst participation percentage, as only 73.5% of their team bothered to make an attack. Their top scorer was Jas with 500 attacks.
NASTY SURPRISE - 11th
The team with statistically the least rational members was Nasty Surprise, and their inability to tear themselves away from the pages of the Torn City Times meant they had a participation rate of just 77.1% - third lowest. 61.7 was their average hit per member value, but this increased to 80 when non-hitters were removed. Their top scorer was Tenacious1 with 529 attacks.
NECROMANCERS - 10th
The Necromancers made an average of 83 attacks per person when their 209 non-hitters were excluded. However, their participation rate of 79.1% meant that their true average was 66.1 attacks per person, which was the fourth worst in the competition. Their top scorer was Nightmare with 585 attacks.
CHOCOLATE PAIN - 9th
Chocolate Pain did incredibly well to finish ninth considering they suffered from the largest proportion of lazy bastards in the entire competition. 28.1% of their members failed to make a single hit, and this gave them the second worst attack average of just 57. Those who did attack didn't do much better, though, registering just 79 attacks per person once the no-hitters were excluded. Their top scorer was Drizella with 726 attacks.
UNDEAD - 8th
The Undead's participation rating of 83.9% was the fifth best, but an average of just 93 attacks per person meant the 161 zombies who didn't fight hampered them severely. Their average would've been 111 attacks per person without the non-hitters included, so it seems the Undead severely under-performed given the talent at their disposal. Their top scorer was Cityreaper with 800 attacks.
CEREAL KILLERS - 7th
Only two teams had fewer non-hitters than Cereal Killers, with just 119 of their members failing to get off their milky asses. An average of 96 hits per person simply wasn't good enough to trouble the big boys, though, and this only reaches 110 when non-hitters are removed from the calculations. Their top scorer was HT-Supermikk with 843 attacks.
G.O.A.T. - 6th
This was a prime example of a strong team being eliminated early by rivals who feared their late-game power. G.O.A.T. had the best participation rate in the competition, with their 109 non-hitters representing just 10.9% of their ranks. As a team they made the third highest number of attacks with 132,457, and this results in a 132 attack per person rate, a figure which grows to 148 when non-hitters are excluded. Their top scorer was Meanmike on 1,058.
ROMANTICS - 5th
Romantics may have not had as many active members as their rivals, but those who did participate worked incredibly hard. They were the first team to be eliminated who had a positive attacks to losses ratio (1.01), with their 81.3% active members responsible for 95,533 attacks, making 95 attacks per person as a team. When non-hitters are discounted, Romantics made 117 attacks per person, so one wonders how far they would've gone if their team hadn't been the fifth worst for participation. Romantics' top scorer was No_Return with 1,049 attacks.
VILLAINS - 4th
The Villains were another strong outfit who suffered due to non-participants, as 19% of their members failed to make a hit - some hitmen you are. Those who did take part managed 144 attacks per person, with their totals for attacks, losses, and average attacks all much lower than the G.O.A.T.s. Villains' top scorer was BH_Sejtan on 1,405, although his early form meant he would've likely ended as all-time top scorer had his side remained in the competition.
DONGS - 3rd
Nobody made more attacks than the Dongs over the course of Elimination 2018, with their total of 159,697 beating second place by 300 hits. This meant that they also had the highest average attacks per person score of 159, but their high participation rate of 88.9% (second highest) meant their average hit score per player was only good enough for second when non-hitters were removed from consideration. The Dongs' top scorer was Hcom3 with 1,163 attacks.
SNOWFLAKES - 2nd
The Snowflakes must take the crown for the most overachieving team of Elimination 2018. Their participation rate was just 82.9%, which was only good enough for sixth, and yet their attack total of 122,047 was beaten only by three other teams. Snowflakes came third in average attacks when non-hitters were removed, with participants making 147 per person compared to 122 when they weren't. Snowflakes were bolstered by the presence of tournament top scorer MilkMommy, whose 1,540 attacks gave her the all-time Elimination record, with previous top-hitter Thief pushed down to second on 1,436.
TEAM CUPCAKE - 1st
Team Cupcake weren't the most active, with their participation rate of 86.8% good enough for fourth. They also didn't make the most hits, as that record went to Dongs. But with 183 attacks made per active member, those who did take part really showed their worth, giving Team Cupcake the record for most winningest team in the competition - and that's all that matters, really. A record of 159,349 successful hits to 141,286 defeats gave them a win/loss ratio of 1.13. Their top scorer was Verdah on 1,426.
The Torn City Times would like to express its gratitude to Orionis for the kind use of his statistics and lovely Google Sheets document. We have included his original table below for your perusal, where you shall also find an additional column which indicates which teams had the highest average attacks per day on the far right hand side.
ELIMINATION TOP SCORERS
MilkMommy - Snowflakes - 1,540
Verdah - Team Cupcake - 1,426
BH_Sejtan - Villains - 1,405
Kniv - Team Cupcake - 1,385
Ladyjayne - Villains - 1,304
DiamondAce - Villains - 1,186
Tarelli - Team Cupcake - 1,183
Hcom3 - Dongs - 1,163
The_Boss - Team Cupcake - 1,147
Hookroteat - Dongs - 1,103
SLOW NO MO'
In previous years the Elimination contest has been a victim of its own success, with severe slowdowns often experienced by users during the daily elimination period. This situation led to the Torn's servers being cruelly dubbed Lagatha Christie - that isn't true, but it's a fun name and it should be true.
This year, however, Chedburn's investment in a shiny new six trillion dollar server named Hot Keith was complemented by a new Elimination format which meant that eliminations were spread throughout the day. This was a fine choice by our city's chief, especially since this was the most popular event in Torn City history. As the graph below shows, as many as 300 attacks per minute were being made at peak times during the competition.
And then there's also this graph, but I don't know what it represents. I think it's based on the intensity with which the city collectively clenched their sphincters come every passing hour.
A HAPPY ENDING
A player called Terronia got in touch with the Times last week to tell us how she and her partner, Envyblade, had gotten married just before the Elimination contest started, having met in their faction The Cult.
"We have provided "stupid question" support to each other almost from the beginning of our lives in Torn. I married him for his money, he married me for my brains. One of us made a bad decision."
Sadly, the pair were placed on opposing teams, with Terronia fighting for the Villains and EnvyBlade betrothed to Chocolate Pain. But far from proving a hindrance to their blossoming romance, the Elimination competition actually seems to made their relationship even stronger.
"Our preparations for the event included practicing hospitalizing each other and checking with each other on the most convenient times to put each other in the hospital once the elimination started...the competition seems to have spiced up our relationship, though I had not thought it could get any spicier!"
"Both of us are fairly new residents of Torn, so we haven't been able to contribute massive assistance to our teams, but we do what we can. Mostly, we've spent a lot of time together in the hospital, playing cards. We both get in our share of hits on other teams, but when it's time to call it a night, we travel to the same country and sleep on the beach, licking each other's wounds."
"I feel confident that our marriage will survive the event, partly due to the fact that we didn't expect each other to share secrets from each other's teams. Although, I will admit to using my feminine wiles to try to elicit information on the sly, but to no avail."
A TRAGIC ENDING
In the past few minutes it has emerged that the Romantics top hitter No_Return has been placed in federal jail for reasons unknown.
Kata broke the story on the forums an hour ago, and having spoken with Chedburn I can confirm that the entire Elimination competition will now be rerun, with Duke replacing No_Return as a member of the Romantics.
Wouldn't that be fun?
A HAPPIER ENDING
Iribuya of the Cereal Killers contact us to inform the people of Torn that a great menace has seemingly been defeated during the course of the Elimination event.
"One of the pesky trolls has been inactive for 4 days and on our cereal Killer forum he wrote that he would leave and started handing out stuff to people. I'm talking about SharpMidIsBest."
The following screenshots seem to indicate that SharpMidIsBest has indeed left Torn City. But we must be wary of false dawns, because just as has happened recently with Evil-Duck, our hopes have been dashed many times before.
AN IMPORTANT FINAL POINT
G.O.A.T. leader Proxima recently posted a full rundown of his team's activities during the competition, with many of his comments backing up the facts we have presented here in the definitely not-failing Torn City Times. Proxima even went on to say that a "tonne of misinformation [had been] thrown around in this comp, and barely a fraction of it by our beloved head reporter sugarvalves actually."
The Times wishes to thank Proxima for his admission that the Torn City Times is a bastion of truthfulness, and we do not feel that we are reading into his words when we assume that is what he meant. Our news comes straight from the mouths of you, the gorgeous and talented Torn public. And while we fully admit that some of our sources can be described as flimsier than an infant born without bones, the Times has never sought to deceive the good people of Torn deliberately.
And even if we had, citizen Sepulchrave notes that such actions would not be considered slander in any way, shape or form.
"A small point of diction that you probably already know: slander is spoken, libel is written. Your column is libellous, not slanderous!"
Our exposure of information of dubious accuracy was intended as an invitation for correction - if there's one thing people love more than being right, it's correcting those who are wrong. We would therefore like to thank the people of Torn City for writing in to tell us what we had gotten wrong, and furthermore, thank you to those who betrayed their teams to send us information in your droves.
Our unprecedented coverage of Elimination 2018 would not have been possible without the help of the city's chatterboxes. Your tongues truly are looser than your morals.
Team Cupcake cooked up some delicious victory in the Elimination competition early this morning, with their win having seemed a mere formality ever since runners-up the Snowflakes froze relations with the Dongs.
Despite a last-minute change of alliance, the Dongs could not avoid being sent to the doghouse on Monday morning, with the poor pooches finding themselves in the midst of a tactical battle between the two eventual finalists. The Dongs were euthanised at 3 am after a run of eighteen straight life-losses following on from the Villains' elimination the day before. But despite them ending the competition with just 440 tickets, the Dongs' trip to doggy heaven hadn't always seemed so certain.
After the departure of the Villains the Dongs were stuck on just a few hundred tickets for several hours. An alliance with Snowflakes had supposedly been arranged through their leader Thief, but the cold-hearted ice queens looked far from being man's best friend, doing virtually nothing to stem the tide of attacks of Cake on Dong violence.
Snowflakes' allegiance was later revealed to be a ruse designed to force Dongs to target Team Cupcake, allowing Snowflakes to do the same and build a gap between themselves and their likely opponents in the final. Snowflakes were so brazen that they even informed Team Cupcake's leadership of this plan, stating that while they still intended on helping TC in to the final two, they would do everything they could to weaken them beforehand.
Team Cupcake leader Hotshot revealed his response in a forum post earlier today, confessing to have reached out to Dongs leader Four to inform him of Snowflakes' plan. By this time many in Dongs had realised what was happening, with their members barking at the door as if the postman had just arrived covered in mince. A partnership with Team Cupcake was therefore Dongs only chance at survival, but surely it was too late in the dog day to turn things around.
And yet this is what almost happened, with Hotshot forced to deal with some serious questions from the Cupcake team after letting the Dongs cuddle up to them.
"Why in the f**k did we allow dongs to get over 1k pts and get close to snowfakes?"
Pictured: Oh what could have been.
With the Dongs still having many lives left, saving their cute lil doggy butts made no sense to the rank and file of the Cupcakes. But it seems that Hotshot knew exactly what he was doing - and if he didn't he did a good job of pretending. The Dongs soon rose up as if there were scraps on the table, and at one point were equal on tickets with the Snowflakes.
As we shall explore later, the Dongs had the highest attack average in the competition, and one of the highest participation rates too - they must've gotten into the treat cupboard - making them a severe threat to Team Cupcake if allowed to make it through to the final. Team Cupcake couldn't let this happen, so they decided to target the Dongs once more, with Snowflakes now low enough on tickets to make them extra fragile come the final.
With Snowflakes and Team Cupcake committing hourly acts of animal abuse, the Dongs really had no chance. Still, there were few regrets within their ranks after their exit, with Dongs council member Kamical thanking his teammates and those who donated to the Financial Assistance Program designed to support their efforts.
32 people donated towards this fund, with 96 people receiving aid as a result, allowing many low level players to perform far in excess of their stats and level. Fellow Dong DongAssassin - I don't know who he was before - praised his side's teamwork and coordination, commending both the leaders and members for their hard work.
"I think we just got gangdonged way too many times, and backstabbed...At first, we were mainly working with the snowflakes to take out the cupcakes. But, after seeing how lazy team snowflake was, and how they had such a small amount of activity, we eventually turned over to the cupcakes for a bit of solace."
"We could've taken out most teams. we have powerful, active members, and we had some good alliances. But, I think we just got screwed over by traitors, other alliances, and overall, the other teams working together to deflate the dongs...To commemorate this moment, I changed my name. Dongs unite, dongs forever. standing high, hard as rocks."
Barry_Allen wished to echo these sentiments, while also adding that he had a great time leading the Dongs during their Elimination campaign.
"I think we played our hardest and I'm really happy this morning because I just had my first full night of good sleep in three weeks. I loved every minute of those weeks and would do it over all again. #Dong4Lyfe."
We're sorry you had to be put down, Dongs. Oh well, at least you weren't neutered.
With Snowflakes on a reduced number of tickets, Team Cupcake's victory was a foregone conclusion after the elimination of the Dongs. The Snowflakes had a far lower participation rate than their rivals, and Team Cupcake's average attack total was far superior too. The fact that Snowflakes had a full complement of lives compared to TC's ten mattered not. It'd be like giving the Michael Schumacher of today a thousand lap head start against early 2000's Michael Schumacher.
Snowflake member Accurate made a rather embarrassing post begging the community for help to fight against the Cupcake menace - a post he later deleted, but which we've saved for posterity. Despite this plea, at 8 am Tuesday morning the ticket ratio was 11,000 to 439 in favour of Cupcakes, with Snowflakes having dropped five lives in five hours.
Two hours later another two lives were lost, and Team Cupcake gained even more tickets, with the team now on 11,526 compared to Snowflakes' 25 - Dongs having taken 440 tickets with them to bury in the backyard. The Snowflakes looked like they'd have more of a chance if they formed into a ball and sent themselves to hell, and at this rate, the competition would come to a conclusion at 5 am the following morning.
And so it proved, with Snowflake finishing on just six tickets when they were eliminated. Team Cupcake received their just desserts having consistently demonstrated high levels of organisation, activity and leadership throughout the competition. Leader Hotshot provided a rundown of their story and tactics which you can read here.
Goodbye Snowflakes. We are sorry if you were triggered by your own demise.
And congratulations Team Cupcake. Your victory was the icing on the cake that was Elimination 2018.
"Please give a shout out to our incredible council we had in Team Cupcake. The_Uncle, Kamster, Verdah, MgTheGreat, & Jokur. And to all of the incredible members who put all their time and efforts into winning this competition. Thank you!" - The_Boss
THE REAL WINNERS
Stormdust didn't officially take part in this year's Elimination, but he believes the real winners are people like him, the revivers, having personally made over $150 million during the three-week competition.
"This elimination has been hell for so many people. Attacking and being attacked constantly, always in the hospital or reviving. Spending millions and billions on this competition, for most of them to gain nothing in return. Some people have even complained in the Bugs & Issues part of the fourm about wanting to quit the competition.
"Revivers on the other hand, especially if they didn't join a team, have been making bank during this competition. Every team has needed revivers, and most of the revivers have been charging $1,000,000 per revive, although the price has gone down again since the beginning of this competition."
Most of the revivers Stormdust spoke to made $100mil + during Elimination, with many having joined a reviving channel in the Discord channels for Undead and Chocolate Pain. He was also in a contract with the Spartans, and although he made a decent amount from these three teams, more than half of Stormdust's fees came from stalking trade looking for freelance revives.
"Some people sent me enough money for bulk revives at the beginning and others would pay me after the end of every hour. There were a lot of people who I would revive and they would keep coming back to me when they needed revives, which really helped my profit. I have been into contact with many revivers over the elimination period just to see how it was going, and most of them have had similar experiences about reviving."
Pictured: My kind of reviver
DexTV, a reviver from the 39 Street Healers told Stormdust he didn't join the competition because he "didn't really see the point...reviving is my main source of income therefore I figured it would be better for me to just revive and make money." DextTV made over $250mil during the competition and didn't even revive as often as he could - he believes he would've made at least $400mil wih a little more effort or a contract.
DexTV wasn't under any contract or part of a Discord channel, he simply posted in trade chat and messaged the members of teams who seemed like they needed to a revive. Zaily, on the other hand, was a member of Nasty Surprise. She is also a member of 39 Street Healers, and her opinion on elimination reviving was not as positive, having given many free revives away during the competition.
"Rez during this event was horrible... a lot of them killed you right after you revived (them) but that may be because (I) was dumb and took part in (the competition)... I basically spent most of the time in the Hospital, and when I did revive, 50% payed (me) the others killed me."
Another problem Zaily faced was trust, with some people wary of her allegiance to Nasty Surprise, and many not wanting to be revived at all out of fear of being set up for attack. Still, it seems there was money to be made from reviving if you sold yourself properly. Stormdust says that the top two revivers he knows of performed 820+ and 900 revives during Elimination. And if each of those revives cost $1million, well, that would add up to the kind of numbers so high we can't even imagine what they might be. Zillions, probably.
VITAL STATISTICS
At the beginning of this competition certain teams were in uproar after we outed them as containing some of the strongest players in Torn City. To make up for this, we shall now perform the reverse by exposing the worst performing sides in Elimination 2018, and colour me surprised if a certain bunch of salty sausages aren't right down there in the bottom two.
SPARTANS - 12th
The Spartans had the lowest ratio of attacks per participant in the whole competition, with an average of just 45 successful hits made per member. They also had the second worst participation percentage, as only 73.5% of their team bothered to make an attack. Their top scorer was Jas with 500 attacks.
NASTY SURPRISE - 11th
The team with statistically the least rational members was Nasty Surprise, and their inability to tear themselves away from the pages of the Torn City Times meant they had a participation rate of just 77.1% - third lowest. 61.7 was their average hit per member value, but this increased to 80 when non-hitters were removed. Their top scorer was Tenacious1 with 529 attacks.
NECROMANCERS - 10th
The Necromancers made an average of 83 attacks per person when their 209 non-hitters were excluded. However, their participation rate of 79.1% meant that their true average was 66.1 attacks per person, which was the fourth worst in the competition. Their top scorer was Nightmare with 585 attacks.
CHOCOLATE PAIN - 9th
Chocolate Pain did incredibly well to finish ninth considering they suffered from the largest proportion of lazy bastards in the entire competition. 28.1% of their members failed to make a single hit, and this gave them the second worst attack average of just 57. Those who did attack didn't do much better, though, registering just 79 attacks per person once the no-hitters were excluded. Their top scorer was Drizella with 726 attacks.
UNDEAD - 8th
The Undead's participation rating of 83.9% was the fifth best, but an average of just 93 attacks per person meant the 161 zombies who didn't fight hampered them severely. Their average would've been 111 attacks per person without the non-hitters included, so it seems the Undead severely under-performed given the talent at their disposal. Their top scorer was Cityreaper with 800 attacks.
CEREAL KILLERS - 7th
Only two teams had fewer non-hitters than Cereal Killers, with just 119 of their members failing to get off their milky asses. An average of 96 hits per person simply wasn't good enough to trouble the big boys, though, and this only reaches 110 when non-hitters are removed from the calculations. Their top scorer was HT-Supermikk with 843 attacks.
G.O.A.T. - 6th
This was a prime example of a strong team being eliminated early by rivals who feared their late-game power. G.O.A.T. had the best participation rate in the competition, with their 109 non-hitters representing just 10.9% of their ranks. As a team they made the third highest number of attacks with 132,457, and this results in a 132 attack per person rate, a figure which grows to 148 when non-hitters are excluded. Their top scorer was Meanmike on 1,058.
ROMANTICS - 5th
Romantics may have not had as many active members as their rivals, but those who did participate worked incredibly hard. They were the first team to be eliminated who had a positive attacks to losses ratio (1.01), with their 81.3% active members responsible for 95,533 attacks, making 95 attacks per person as a team. When non-hitters are discounted, Romantics made 117 attacks per person, so one wonders how far they would've gone if their team hadn't been the fifth worst for participation. Romantics' top scorer was No_Return with 1,049 attacks.
VILLAINS - 4th
The Villains were another strong outfit who suffered due to non-participants, as 19% of their members failed to make a hit - some hitmen you are. Those who did take part managed 144 attacks per person, with their totals for attacks, losses, and average attacks all much lower than the G.O.A.T.s. Villains' top scorer was BH_Sejtan on 1,405, although his early form meant he would've likely ended as all-time top scorer had his side remained in the competition.
DONGS - 3rd
Nobody made more attacks than the Dongs over the course of Elimination 2018, with their total of 159,697 beating second place by 300 hits. This meant that they also had the highest average attacks per person score of 159, but their high participation rate of 88.9% (second highest) meant their average hit score per player was only good enough for second when non-hitters were removed from consideration. The Dongs' top scorer was Hcom3 with 1,163 attacks.
SNOWFLAKES - 2nd
The Snowflakes must take the crown for the most overachieving team of Elimination 2018. Their participation rate was just 82.9%, which was only good enough for sixth, and yet their attack total of 122,047 was beaten only by three other teams. Snowflakes came third in average attacks when non-hitters were removed, with participants making 147 per person compared to 122 when they weren't. Snowflakes were bolstered by the presence of tournament top scorer MilkMommy, whose 1,540 attacks gave her the all-time Elimination record, with previous top-hitter Thief pushed down to second on 1,436.
TEAM CUPCAKE - 1st
Team Cupcake weren't the most active, with their participation rate of 86.8% good enough for fourth. They also didn't make the most hits, as that record went to Dongs. But with 183 attacks made per active member, those who did take part really showed their worth, giving Team Cupcake the record for most winningest team in the competition - and that's all that matters, really. A record of 159,349 successful hits to 141,286 defeats gave them a win/loss ratio of 1.13. Their top scorer was Verdah on 1,426.
The Torn City Times would like to express its gratitude to Orionis for the kind use of his statistics and lovely Google Sheets document. We have included his original table below for your perusal, where you shall also find an additional column which indicates which teams had the highest average attacks per day on the far right hand side.
ELIMINATION TOP SCORERS
MilkMommy - Snowflakes - 1,540
Verdah - Team Cupcake - 1,426
BH_Sejtan - Villains - 1,405
Kniv - Team Cupcake - 1,385
Ladyjayne - Villains - 1,304
DiamondAce - Villains - 1,186
Tarelli - Team Cupcake - 1,183
Hcom3 - Dongs - 1,163
The_Boss - Team Cupcake - 1,147
Hookroteat - Dongs - 1,103
SLOW NO MO'
In previous years the Elimination contest has been a victim of its own success, with severe slowdowns often experienced by users during the daily elimination period. This situation led to the Torn's servers being cruelly dubbed Lagatha Christie - that isn't true, but it's a fun name and it should be true.
This year, however, Chedburn's investment in a shiny new six trillion dollar server named Hot Keith was complemented by a new Elimination format which meant that eliminations were spread throughout the day. This was a fine choice by our city's chief, especially since this was the most popular event in Torn City history. As the graph below shows, as many as 300 attacks per minute were being made at peak times during the competition.
And then there's also this graph, but I don't know what it represents. I think it's based on the intensity with which the city collectively clenched their sphincters come every passing hour.
A HAPPY ENDING
A player called Terronia got in touch with the Times last week to tell us how she and her partner, Envyblade, had gotten married just before the Elimination contest started, having met in their faction The Cult.
"We have provided "stupid question" support to each other almost from the beginning of our lives in Torn. I married him for his money, he married me for my brains. One of us made a bad decision."
Sadly, the pair were placed on opposing teams, with Terronia fighting for the Villains and EnvyBlade betrothed to Chocolate Pain. But far from proving a hindrance to their blossoming romance, the Elimination competition actually seems to made their relationship even stronger.
"Our preparations for the event included practicing hospitalizing each other and checking with each other on the most convenient times to put each other in the hospital once the elimination started...the competition seems to have spiced up our relationship, though I had not thought it could get any spicier!"
"Both of us are fairly new residents of Torn, so we haven't been able to contribute massive assistance to our teams, but we do what we can. Mostly, we've spent a lot of time together in the hospital, playing cards. We both get in our share of hits on other teams, but when it's time to call it a night, we travel to the same country and sleep on the beach, licking each other's wounds."
"I feel confident that our marriage will survive the event, partly due to the fact that we didn't expect each other to share secrets from each other's teams. Although, I will admit to using my feminine wiles to try to elicit information on the sly, but to no avail."
A TRAGIC ENDING
In the past few minutes it has emerged that the Romantics top hitter No_Return has been placed in federal jail for reasons unknown.
Kata broke the story on the forums an hour ago, and having spoken with Chedburn I can confirm that the entire Elimination competition will now be rerun, with Duke replacing No_Return as a member of the Romantics.
Wouldn't that be fun?
A HAPPIER ENDING
Iribuya of the Cereal Killers contact us to inform the people of Torn that a great menace has seemingly been defeated during the course of the Elimination event.
"One of the pesky trolls has been inactive for 4 days and on our cereal Killer forum he wrote that he would leave and started handing out stuff to people. I'm talking about SharpMidIsBest."
The following screenshots seem to indicate that SharpMidIsBest has indeed left Torn City. But we must be wary of false dawns, because just as has happened recently with Evil-Duck, our hopes have been dashed many times before.
AN IMPORTANT FINAL POINT
G.O.A.T. leader Proxima recently posted a full rundown of his team's activities during the competition, with many of his comments backing up the facts we have presented here in the definitely not-failing Torn City Times. Proxima even went on to say that a "tonne of misinformation [had been] thrown around in this comp, and barely a fraction of it by our beloved head reporter sugarvalves actually."
The Times wishes to thank Proxima for his admission that the Torn City Times is a bastion of truthfulness, and we do not feel that we are reading into his words when we assume that is what he meant. Our news comes straight from the mouths of you, the gorgeous and talented Torn public. And while we fully admit that some of our sources can be described as flimsier than an infant born without bones, the Times has never sought to deceive the good people of Torn deliberately.
And even if we had, citizen Sepulchrave notes that such actions would not be considered slander in any way, shape or form.
"A small point of diction that you probably already know: slander is spoken, libel is written. Your column is libellous, not slanderous!"
Our exposure of information of dubious accuracy was intended as an invitation for correction - if there's one thing people love more than being right, it's correcting those who are wrong. We would therefore like to thank the people of Torn City for writing in to tell us what we had gotten wrong, and furthermore, thank you to those who betrayed their teams to send us information in your droves.
Our unprecedented coverage of Elimination 2018 would not have been possible without the help of the city's chatterboxes. Your tongues truly are looser than your morals.
Original article
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