sugarvalves [1963573] —
Original article
Have Snowflakes and Team Cupcake betrayed the Dongs and Villains? Who is the mole in the Dongs camp? Are Villains falling apart? And why did everyone turn on the G.O.A.T.s?
Another three teams have been eliminated from the competition since our last article, but who will go on to become the elimination champion? I do not know this for I have not decided who to avoid slandering just yet, but it does seem that the Romantics may miraculously achieve a second place finish. How will this happen? Why will this happen? What else has happened? Let's find out.
DEATH TO THE UNDEAD
What is dead may never die; so sayeth the people of the Iron Islands. But as Theon Greyjoy discovered, there are other ways to perish without actually dying. The Undead experienced this at 2 am on Thursday, when the last of their lives was removed and sent in a box to their dad.
Pictured: The hand of the undead reaching out for their errant member.
Undead had been trading losses with Chocolate Pain until the latter's Elimination, but as soon as their delicious brown friends were gone the dead fell apart quicker than the face of a sneezing Michael Jackson. Their dismemberment began at 11 am on Wednesday and never really stopped, with only a brief interlude by the Romantics interrupting a run of fifteen straight deaths. "Stop stop, we're already dead" cried their members, but twas to no avail.
Many complaints soon came my way - of corpse they did - but I shall give the first word to one of their leaders, Hank, who confirmed Undead suspicions that his reputation, and that of Alexstrasza, had a negative effect upon their chances of victory.
"Yes to a degree, some teams like villains and cupcakes had a lot of PT members in them, and on those teams leadership groups. Since Undead had a lot of Relentless members it didn't make sense to make any sort of alliance with regardless of circumstance. But we also found being allied to necromancers was the biggest issue in making new alliances."
Hank informed me that a six-way alliance was in place early in the competition between Spartans, Necromancers, Chocolate Pain, Cereal Killers, G.O.A.T.s and Undead, with their sole aim being to eliminate Nasty Surprise. When elimination seemed imminent, Undead targeted Romantics and Cupcakes in desperate agony, but it was their former allies G.O.A.T. whom Hank blames for the death of the Undead.
"Goat leaving the alliance / making alternative arrangements with non-allied teams. We went from 3k tickets to zero in less than 12 hours. By that point leadership was kind of over elimination. The hourly eliminations is a real grind!"
Some Undead disagree. One of their best attackers, who wishes to remain anonymous, believes they were screwed from the start despite having "a good line of chainers and heavy hitters." He also feels that people didn't listen to their leaders - who he ass-kissingly described as "great" - and that their alliances were continuously betrayed by both outsiders and members of the Undead themselves.
Another Undead suggested that some hard hitters didn't turn up, with EasyE telling me he made few hits because his faction was chaining. Great timing guys. That's like hiring a bounce house for your kids on the day Hurricane Florence comes to town.
Pictured: If anything, the house was too bouncy.
MisterLego feels differently, believing Undead were targeted so that one of the competition's favourites could be killed off early, or that they were simply played hard by their so-called allies. Whatever the reasons for their defeat, the Undead put up a valiant effort and have taken their elimination with good humour. One member, DaMagi, even believes his side will rise again soon, and that the remaining teams should be wary of their vengeance.
"When undead are down, under the ground. We will wait, we will listen. Until the appointed time and raise our mouldy hands to take your soul down to the deep. Whilst your loved ones weep...And their eyes glisten. Lovely Jubbley! What is dead can never die."
I have been told that Undead plan to wreak havoc upon those who betrayed them and follow the lead of the Spartans by continuing to fight long after their defeat. If I were part of a team who had betrayed them, I would be soiling myself profusely.
Rest in Peace Undead, we look forward to you Rising in Hate once more.
BOUNTIES CANCELLED
I feel it is my duty to inform those who have been bountying me that your efforts are entirely in vain. Some have questioned my journalistic integrity of late, claiming my membership of Dongs means the relationship between the Torn City Times and Elimination competition is as inappropriate as the one Drake has with Eleven from Stranger Things.
I reject such accusations, and so, it seems, do the Torn authorities, who have elected to remove all of my bounties at the end of the Elimination event - no refunds will be offered. Nevertheless, I do accept that my participation has prevented some players from enjoying themselves as much as they could have, as Soft_Noises explains.
"While lots of other teams have been complaining about how they think sugarvalves being in Dongs and controlling the media gives them an advantage, no one thinks about it from Dongs side."
"How am I supposed to sell juicy and salacious gossip about the inner workings of my teams strategy, if the newspaper already has a man on the inside?!?"
"Not that I know of anything worth leaking anyway, but just the thought that I wouldn't even have the opportunity to ruthlessly sell-out my own team like everyone else seems to be doing just screams unfair-ness, and I demand sympathy."
CEREAL KILLERS FAIL TO MILK IT
It is no surprise that Cereal Killers were eliminated on Friday, as their destruction came mere hours after Kylie Jenner's revelation that she had never eaten cereal with milk. This crushing blow came hot on the heels of an atrocious run of losses which began on Thursday morning.
Cereal Killers went from a full 25 lives to elimination within the space of just 27 hours, as Romantics and G.O.A.T.s were the only other teams to drop a life between 9 am on the 20th and noon on the 21st. Cereal Killers' collapse was so rapid that some people thought they were watching Meat Loaf attempt to climb some stairs, and it seems the reason for CK's swift decline is that their leader gave up after a few lives were lost.
How could Bones justify such cowardice? At Torn HQ we genuinely had a team named the Yellowbellies who were considered for this year's contest. Perhaps we'll reintroduce it next year and let Bones be the sole member. CK's less than fearless leader had their say on the matter below.
"It was pretty obvious once we started bleeding lives that there were four teams actively hitting us and we just didn't have the firepower to hold them off. Our team did great with activity but did not have the stats to back it up. I'm proud of their hard work and I didn't want them to waste energy they could be using to train and increase their stats for next year's elimination."
Next year's elimination? Why not give up now and save energy for 2020? Bones' plan had been to stay low on tickets throughout the competition, because nobody will attack you if you look weak and pathetic. Has Bones never attended high school? Or college? Or Earth, for that matter? An anonymous member of CK elaborates on this flawed approach below:
"A few hours go by and we are nearing 0 and not a single word has been said about "what to do" nobody cared. Nobody fought. We never truly recovered from the bottom. That became the new spot to be. "Exactly were we want to be" Well leadership wanted to be. I solely blame our loss on our passive leadership trying to compete in a aggressive competition."
Some members of CK rejected their leader's call for cowardice, rallying in their final moments to restore a little Snap, Crackle and Pop to the Cereal Killer name. They weren't naive enough to think they were going to win, but nor did they want to end up all soggy like a bowl of cereal left on a confused Kardashian's nightstand.
Ahab, HT-Supermikk and Funkydunk stepped up to fight hard towards the end, but ultimately it wasn't enough. Further informants from the CK camp told me that their members reached out to G.O.A.T. and Villains - their supposed allies cum opponents - in their final moments, and managed to agree upon a non-aggression pact if their members would stick to it.
This didn't happen, and the Cereal Killers threw caution into the wind and attacked their allies, only for this caution to turn out to be urine, which was then summarily blown back in their faces. Several images from CK's chat room indicates that GOAT and Villains were indeed attacking Cereal Killers in their final hours, with the Villains having already turned on them, and G.O.A.T.s following suit after CK's deal with Romantics was exposed.
The desperation in these messages is palpable even now, when the cereal milk has long since soured. Still, at least those who fought on may hold their heads high with pride. Bones threw in the towel so fast it is now hurtling towards the Andromeda Galaxy at 50% light speed. Their members did not. They fought with valour, honour and 50% reduced salt.
Goodbye Cereal Killers, your soldiers were as brave as a morbidly obese woman who strips off for a glossy magazine shoot apparently is.
CURRIED G.O.A.T.
In many ways, Lemmings are the opposite of goats, as while the former are erroneously thought prone to throwing themselves off cliffs, the latter are capable of traversing even the steepest of slopes with ease.
But could the G.O.A.T.s avoid plummeting down a sheer rock face to their doom? It seems not, with Proxima's boys having been butchered for their meat ever since Cereal Killers' elimination. 19 lives were shorn from G.O.A.T. between 2 pm yesterday and 10 am this morning, and when the time came to show their teeth, G.O.A.T.'s resistance proved softer than a delicate cashmere sweater.
Their 11 am fight wasn't even close, with Romantics 30 tickets ahead when the tickety tock clock tick tocked over. These two locked horns once more at noon, and with ten seconds left G.O.A.T. held a twelve ticket lead over the Romantics, only to lose their footing and drop 400 ft onto sharp rocks, shattering their bones into dust.
G.O.A.T. were panicking now, so much so that they had taken to messaging members of Team Cupcake to convince them of a non-existent non-aggression pact between the two teams. One cupcake told me "we've never had an alliance with those losers! Don't fall for the propaganda goats is spreading!" and as their lives ebbed away, it seemed the G.O.A.T.s continuously fluctuating alliances had finally caught up with them - a secret agreement with Dongs not enough to save them.
And so it proved when, at 1 pm, the G.O.A.T.s lost their final life. At 2 pm their fate was secured. But it seems their members hold no grudges towards their herders. One G.O.A.T. who wished to be referred to as Mr. E. Goat (yes, I get it) contacted the Times to suggest that while some leaders were neurotic, selfish and
bitter, the G.O.A.T. chiefs were quite the opposite.
"We affectionately call them the Goaterlords. The Leaders of the Herd. They Whose Bleeeeats Sound Across the Pasture. The Council of Horns. Headbutters of Steel. Leaders of the Stampede. Wearers of the Most Cute Pajamas."
Pictured: Three of the Goaterlords - Harley, Proxima, and IceBlueFire.
"The leadership for the goats is truly exceptional. We never see any infighting - any disagreements are handled in private. The messaging from our Goaterlords is 100% consistent. Communication is clear and constant. Questions are answered swiftly. We receive never-ending encouragement."
After I'd thrown up, my sycophantic informant went on to call out The Villains as the G.O.A.T.'s primary target, which hints that the Dongs may also target the Villains come the final four. G.O.A.T.s manifesto can be read in full here, where they further promise to make hell for the other teams who stand in their way - a promise they may have to fulfil from six feet beneath the ground.
So long G.O.A.T. You weren't the greatest of all time, but you definitely did exist. No-one can deny you that.
NECROMANCERS SELF OWN
According to screenshots I've received from a member of Necromancers', it seems that their leader, Triplicant, contributed greatly to his team's demise through his own carelessness. Triplicant was reportedly in charge of his team's discord channel, and it was here where he shared both their battle plans and alliances - crucial information which nobody but fellow Necromancers should be able to see.
Unfortunately, due to an error Triplicant made in setting up the channel, members of the Snowflakes were added to the group, and they weren't quiet about it either.
The Snowflakes had a little fun with this, and continued to use their access to the Necromancers' channel for their own advantage. It is through this channel the Necromancers posthumously discussed how they may charge the remaining teams to help them fulfil their aspirations. Whether they are taken up on this offer is yet to be seen, given their incompetence.
One thing I do know is that the Necromancers are not the only team who have leaked their information to the Snowflakes. But we'll have more on that later.
VILLAINS LEADERSHIP SHOCK
I have received precious little information from within the Villains camp during Elimination 2018, until now. Previous reports had indicated things were going well, with KING-0F-KINGS commenting a week ago that "the leaders are doing a great job even when we get frustrated but they do everything and keep us together."
Then it all fell apart. One player messaged me to say that their targets were chosen seemingly on a whim, with G.O.A.T.s attacked one hour, Chocolate Pain the next and even Team Cupcake being targeted, despite the two supposedly being allied. Then an assault on Cereal Killers was ordered without explanation, as was an alliance with Snowflakes - a move which confused many of the Villains' members.
"Villains have been backstabbing everyone on their team left and right. Villains leadership has flipped every time(in private) they thought it would help their team. That's why currently villains are being piled on and the other teams are getting them out."
DiamondAce was supposedly leading the Villains, and although some people were trying to remove him, I heard that most of the team had remained loyal. Then the dissent began to grow, and earlier this morning an anonymous Villain suggested that a mutiny may be in the works. But who will take charge of the Villains if the coup is successful? Not this guy, that's for sure.
Villain member Zelken described TheDarkArcher as "Some annoying troll in our ranks" who "tried to tear us apart from the inside." This player was reportedly punished by his teammates - we have yet to ascertain what this entailed - and he has now applied to self fed as a result.
ORIGINAL ALLIANCES CONFIRMED
As Hank intimated earlier in this article, the original alliance in Elimination 2018 was between Spartans, Necromancers, Chocolate Pain, G.O.A.T.s and Undead - Cereal Killers joined later. Their aim was to eliminate the competition and secure the top five places for themselves, but they've actually achieved almost the opposite, with Nasty Surprise the only non-alliance team to have been eliminated so far.
Pictured: If the plan was failure, then mission accomplished.
This alliance originally consisted of just three teams, with Hildegarde of Spartans forming an understanding with Undead and G.O.A.T.. Undead then welcomed Necromancers into the alliance, with G.O.A.T. doing the same with Chocolate Pain. Their target was Nasty Surprise, who were chosen not because of their reported strength, but due to issues between Nova and Relentless, whose members made up the leadership of the Undead and Spartans. My Spartans informant continues the story:
"From there, the game was set. Our teams goal, was to be the Hammer... we would zero the teams, the alliances would hold them there. The plan worked perfect... until we realized we were being targeted by EVERY other team and our tickets were plummeting (romantics, undead, nasty, snowflakes, dongs, cereal, cupcakes all hitting us at once)."
The alliance continued to focus on Nasty Surprise - who had openly targeted Undead from day 1 in their own discord - while also reducing Snowflakes and Cupcakes in order of priority. This worked for a while, but their own ticket totals were beginning to suffer as a result, and the alliance suffered a major blow when Spartans became the first team to be eliminated.
Spartans members and leaders refused to quit even in the face of certain defeat, and even when they were eliminated, around forty members elected to continue hitting Nasty Surprise's online players to prevent them from attacking during their final moments. Spartans also maintained coordination with their alliances post-defeat, and in light of this, I would like to officially retract the word Spartahahahaha from one of my previous articles.
Cereal Killers were brought into the alliance only to betray the Spartans when they smelled Greek blood. Snowflakes did the same, with their extension of an olive branch towards Spartans most likely a clever trick employed to cause cracks within their rivals' alliance. After Spartans' elimination, the allies were there for the taking, with infighting and betrayal causing a great deal of confusion.
Cell told me he was sure that Spartans were never allied with G.O.A.T. Likewise, FullMetalJacket felt that Chocolate Pain had no alliances whatsoever, while his teammate TinCan said that G.O.A.T. were helping CP by trying to zero Cupcakes. What this tells me is that none of these so-called allies had a clue who they were supposed to be attacking. Or if they did, their alliances were betrayed quicker than a horse who leaves his master after seeing another horse in another field and thinking "yeah, as a horse, I'd like to have sex with that horse."
Pictured: The stained glass filter has been applied to this metaphor for your own safety.
On the other side of the fence, Snowflakes, Dongs, Villains and Team Cupcake were originally allied in a group I've creatively named The B-Team, and these four currently hold the top slots in the competition at present. The B-Team has a non-aggression pact towards Romantics, but this will likely be pulped now G.O.A.T. has been eliminated, leaving the rival alliance free to show Romantics some tough love before fighting amongst themselves for the title. Or will they?
Rumour has it that Snowflakes had planned on making a move to ally themselves with G.O.A.T. and eliminate one of their own allies - most likely Dongs - but unlike Kirsty MacColl, they've completely missed the boat. If such backstabbery were to succeed, it should have been attempted when G.O.A.T. were in a strong position. Romantics and G.O.A.T. reportedly agreed a late-game alliance too, so we could've had a three-on-three fight, if one of the B-Team had been bold enough to try it.
However, the B-Team may still fracture if the Romantics are approached by at least two other members to form an alliance. Possible victims of this treachery could be Team Cupcake, who may have attempted to form a secret understanding with both G.O.A.T. and Cereal Killers earlier in the competition. They were also rumoured to have been part of the rival alliance at some point, before being foolishly kicked out by the other members. With just ten lives left at present, Team Cupcake could be gone within half a day if the others decide they cannot be trusted.
Alternatively, The Villains may become a victim of their own duplicity, having flipped more often than a part-penguin gymnast working at McDonalds - yes, these metaphors are becoming tenuous, but bear with me, please. Last night, I was told that the Villains are deemed volatile by the leaders of Dongs, Snowflakes and Team Cupcake, and that the Romantics have now been welcomed into the B-Team with the aim of eliminating Villains once G.O.A.T. are gone.
"Dongs have an alliance with snowflakes, cupcakes and romantics. Villains is just in the group. So Dongs in the last 24 hours made a deal with Goats to hit Villains (so they didn't have to break Dongs/villains NAP). Dongs then made a nap with new inexperienced leadership of CK. The nap said Dongs would stop attacking ck if ck attacked Goats. Ck stopped attacking dongs and started attacking Goats (since Dongs had a nap with Goats it was a way around the nap). Dongs immediately broke this nap and ck started hitting dongs and got out of the comp."
Villains are not wholly trusted by Team Cupcake, and my source tells me that Dongs wish to face the Cupcakes and Romantics in the final three. With Dongs and Snowflakes on a full complement of 25 lives each, it does make sense that neither would ally themselves with Team Cupcake (10) or Villains (20). This assessment was confirmed by the following leak from within the Dongs camp.
Pictured: This leak did not come from my informant dong, or from my own dong. It was a separate, corrupted dong.
You would presume that if their plan went correctly and Villains are eliminated, Dongs and one other team - possibly Cupcakes - could then orchestrate the other two teams' defeat so they could face off in the final. But why do that when either could guarantee a win by partnering with Romantics instead? Romantics could therefore finish second, regardless of who the other two teams are, as they will inevitably act as kingmaker by courting the favour of one of the two stronger outfits.
As this article went to press, both Dongs and Villains were losing tickets, indicating a possible alliance between Snowflakes, Villains and Team Cupcake against Romantics and Dongs. Romantics were the team in last place at 3 pm, and again at 4 pm, but with their tickets on the increase and both Dongs and Villains being hit hard, who knows how things will stand when the next deadline approaches.
Update: Romantics are now ahead of the Villains. Romantics and Dongs are allied vs Team Cupcake, Snowflakes and Villains. Nevertheless, I predict The Villains will be gone before Romantics.
COLD DONG DISCOVERED
The information that the Dongs are targeting the Villains is a significant leak in itself, but there could be more on the way, as a member of the Snowflakes reportedly has a Dong feeding him information - yummy.
Krullebolle is the Snowflake in question, but I have elected not to reveal the Dong, as his pleas were so piteous it felt cruel to do so. What I can tell you is that Krullebolle is known as the spy's "Torn dad", and I have no intention of finding out what that means.
I do not know exactly how much information the Dong has passed on to Krullebolle, as the only thing the pair admitted to sharing was confirmation that the Dongs were indeed allying themselves to the Snowflakes. Snowflake leaders were worried that the Dongs may betray them, and their informant on the inside will apparently be used as a Dong-shaped alarm should they decide to do so. Krullebolle elaborates below:
"As per your accusations: I have never paid anyone for information. All received information was given to me freely. There was nothing incriminating and/or juicy to it. The information given was a confirmation that our partnerships between teams was held intact. I am so sorry you couldn't find any drama here, I am but a humble snowflake."
HATE CONTINUES TO FAIL
I will end this article with a piece of self indulgence. As many of you may know, several members of Nasty Surprise have chosen to target this reporter for what they perceive as bias against them, bias which, in their exalted opinion, led to their embarrassing defeat early on in the Elimination competition. Hank has since confirmed that other factors led to NS's targeting, but let us not spoil this little soiree with something as silly as facts.
No other team has been this deluded or demented in their response to elimination, and Stretch's assertion that NS are still making "front page news" is somewhat undermined by the fact that the Torn City Times has no pages. Nevertheless, it seems Nasty Surprise are determined to continue making a nuisance of themselves, as I recently received forewarning of fresh threat towards my person from a player called -PK-
"LETS DOWNVOTE ALL THE POSTS OF SUGARVALVES. A new campaign. I wish I put you on negative karma. That will be sweet sexy revenge...right?"
I found this message tragic for a variety of reasons. First, the affirmation -PK- so clearly seeks is starkly illustrated by a desperate demand for validation towards the end of his statement...right? It felt like a toddler gleefully showing you the first poo-poo he'd done in the potty like a good little boy.
Second, I fear that this campaign to reduce my karma is doomed to fail. Nasty Surprise's joint efforts thus far have reduced my karma by a grand total of 15. I could humorously compare this to the poor showing displayed in the elimination event itself, but to do so would be to compare the gravitational effects of a grape with Charlie Sheen's immune system - neither are particularly strong.
Finally, I would like to clarify that my bounties won't be removed at end of competition - it was a ruse on my part - but the suggestion that they might will surely be enough to whip Nasty Surprise into a froth anyway. Because let's face it, none of them will read this far, if they even are capable of reading.
DEATH TO THE UNDEAD
What is dead may never die; so sayeth the people of the Iron Islands. But as Theon Greyjoy discovered, there are other ways to perish without actually dying. The Undead experienced this at 2 am on Thursday, when the last of their lives was removed and sent in a box to their dad.
Pictured: The hand of the undead reaching out for their errant member.
Undead had been trading losses with Chocolate Pain until the latter's Elimination, but as soon as their delicious brown friends were gone the dead fell apart quicker than the face of a sneezing Michael Jackson. Their dismemberment began at 11 am on Wednesday and never really stopped, with only a brief interlude by the Romantics interrupting a run of fifteen straight deaths. "Stop stop, we're already dead" cried their members, but twas to no avail.
Many complaints soon came my way - of corpse they did - but I shall give the first word to one of their leaders, Hank, who confirmed Undead suspicions that his reputation, and that of Alexstrasza, had a negative effect upon their chances of victory.
"Yes to a degree, some teams like villains and cupcakes had a lot of PT members in them, and on those teams leadership groups. Since Undead had a lot of Relentless members it didn't make sense to make any sort of alliance with regardless of circumstance. But we also found being allied to necromancers was the biggest issue in making new alliances."
Hank informed me that a six-way alliance was in place early in the competition between Spartans, Necromancers, Chocolate Pain, Cereal Killers, G.O.A.T.s and Undead, with their sole aim being to eliminate Nasty Surprise. When elimination seemed imminent, Undead targeted Romantics and Cupcakes in desperate agony, but it was their former allies G.O.A.T. whom Hank blames for the death of the Undead.
"Goat leaving the alliance / making alternative arrangements with non-allied teams. We went from 3k tickets to zero in less than 12 hours. By that point leadership was kind of over elimination. The hourly eliminations is a real grind!"
Some Undead disagree. One of their best attackers, who wishes to remain anonymous, believes they were screwed from the start despite having "a good line of chainers and heavy hitters." He also feels that people didn't listen to their leaders - who he ass-kissingly described as "great" - and that their alliances were continuously betrayed by both outsiders and members of the Undead themselves.
Another Undead suggested that some hard hitters didn't turn up, with EasyE telling me he made few hits because his faction was chaining. Great timing guys. That's like hiring a bounce house for your kids on the day Hurricane Florence comes to town.
Pictured: If anything, the house was too bouncy.
MisterLego feels differently, believing Undead were targeted so that one of the competition's favourites could be killed off early, or that they were simply played hard by their so-called allies. Whatever the reasons for their defeat, the Undead put up a valiant effort and have taken their elimination with good humour. One member, DaMagi, even believes his side will rise again soon, and that the remaining teams should be wary of their vengeance.
"When undead are down, under the ground. We will wait, we will listen. Until the appointed time and raise our mouldy hands to take your soul down to the deep. Whilst your loved ones weep...And their eyes glisten. Lovely Jubbley! What is dead can never die."
I have been told that Undead plan to wreak havoc upon those who betrayed them and follow the lead of the Spartans by continuing to fight long after their defeat. If I were part of a team who had betrayed them, I would be soiling myself profusely.
Rest in Peace Undead, we look forward to you Rising in Hate once more.
BOUNTIES CANCELLED
I feel it is my duty to inform those who have been bountying me that your efforts are entirely in vain. Some have questioned my journalistic integrity of late, claiming my membership of Dongs means the relationship between the Torn City Times and Elimination competition is as inappropriate as the one Drake has with Eleven from Stranger Things.
I reject such accusations, and so, it seems, do the Torn authorities, who have elected to remove all of my bounties at the end of the Elimination event - no refunds will be offered. Nevertheless, I do accept that my participation has prevented some players from enjoying themselves as much as they could have, as Soft_Noises explains.
"While lots of other teams have been complaining about how they think sugarvalves being in Dongs and controlling the media gives them an advantage, no one thinks about it from Dongs side."
"How am I supposed to sell juicy and salacious gossip about the inner workings of my teams strategy, if the newspaper already has a man on the inside?!?"
"Not that I know of anything worth leaking anyway, but just the thought that I wouldn't even have the opportunity to ruthlessly sell-out my own team like everyone else seems to be doing just screams unfair-ness, and I demand sympathy."
CEREAL KILLERS FAIL TO MILK IT
It is no surprise that Cereal Killers were eliminated on Friday, as their destruction came mere hours after Kylie Jenner's revelation that she had never eaten cereal with milk. This crushing blow came hot on the heels of an atrocious run of losses which began on Thursday morning.
Cereal Killers went from a full 25 lives to elimination within the space of just 27 hours, as Romantics and G.O.A.T.s were the only other teams to drop a life between 9 am on the 20th and noon on the 21st. Cereal Killers' collapse was so rapid that some people thought they were watching Meat Loaf attempt to climb some stairs, and it seems the reason for CK's swift decline is that their leader gave up after a few lives were lost.
How could Bones justify such cowardice? At Torn HQ we genuinely had a team named the Yellowbellies who were considered for this year's contest. Perhaps we'll reintroduce it next year and let Bones be the sole member. CK's less than fearless leader had their say on the matter below.
"It was pretty obvious once we started bleeding lives that there were four teams actively hitting us and we just didn't have the firepower to hold them off. Our team did great with activity but did not have the stats to back it up. I'm proud of their hard work and I didn't want them to waste energy they could be using to train and increase their stats for next year's elimination."
Next year's elimination? Why not give up now and save energy for 2020? Bones' plan had been to stay low on tickets throughout the competition, because nobody will attack you if you look weak and pathetic. Has Bones never attended high school? Or college? Or Earth, for that matter? An anonymous member of CK elaborates on this flawed approach below:
"A few hours go by and we are nearing 0 and not a single word has been said about "what to do" nobody cared. Nobody fought. We never truly recovered from the bottom. That became the new spot to be. "Exactly were we want to be" Well leadership wanted to be. I solely blame our loss on our passive leadership trying to compete in a aggressive competition."
Some members of CK rejected their leader's call for cowardice, rallying in their final moments to restore a little Snap, Crackle and Pop to the Cereal Killer name. They weren't naive enough to think they were going to win, but nor did they want to end up all soggy like a bowl of cereal left on a confused Kardashian's nightstand.
Ahab, HT-Supermikk and Funkydunk stepped up to fight hard towards the end, but ultimately it wasn't enough. Further informants from the CK camp told me that their members reached out to G.O.A.T. and Villains - their supposed allies cum opponents - in their final moments, and managed to agree upon a non-aggression pact if their members would stick to it.
This didn't happen, and the Cereal Killers threw caution into the wind and attacked their allies, only for this caution to turn out to be urine, which was then summarily blown back in their faces. Several images from CK's chat room indicates that GOAT and Villains were indeed attacking Cereal Killers in their final hours, with the Villains having already turned on them, and G.O.A.T.s following suit after CK's deal with Romantics was exposed.
The desperation in these messages is palpable even now, when the cereal milk has long since soured. Still, at least those who fought on may hold their heads high with pride. Bones threw in the towel so fast it is now hurtling towards the Andromeda Galaxy at 50% light speed. Their members did not. They fought with valour, honour and 50% reduced salt.
Goodbye Cereal Killers, your soldiers were as brave as a morbidly obese woman who strips off for a glossy magazine shoot apparently is.
CURRIED G.O.A.T.
In many ways, Lemmings are the opposite of goats, as while the former are erroneously thought prone to throwing themselves off cliffs, the latter are capable of traversing even the steepest of slopes with ease.
But could the G.O.A.T.s avoid plummeting down a sheer rock face to their doom? It seems not, with Proxima's boys having been butchered for their meat ever since Cereal Killers' elimination. 19 lives were shorn from G.O.A.T. between 2 pm yesterday and 10 am this morning, and when the time came to show their teeth, G.O.A.T.'s resistance proved softer than a delicate cashmere sweater.
Their 11 am fight wasn't even close, with Romantics 30 tickets ahead when the tickety tock clock tick tocked over. These two locked horns once more at noon, and with ten seconds left G.O.A.T. held a twelve ticket lead over the Romantics, only to lose their footing and drop 400 ft onto sharp rocks, shattering their bones into dust.
G.O.A.T. were panicking now, so much so that they had taken to messaging members of Team Cupcake to convince them of a non-existent non-aggression pact between the two teams. One cupcake told me "we've never had an alliance with those losers! Don't fall for the propaganda goats is spreading!" and as their lives ebbed away, it seemed the G.O.A.T.s continuously fluctuating alliances had finally caught up with them - a secret agreement with Dongs not enough to save them.
And so it proved when, at 1 pm, the G.O.A.T.s lost their final life. At 2 pm their fate was secured. But it seems their members hold no grudges towards their herders. One G.O.A.T. who wished to be referred to as Mr. E. Goat (yes, I get it) contacted the Times to suggest that while some leaders were neurotic, selfish and
bitter, the G.O.A.T. chiefs were quite the opposite.
"We affectionately call them the Goaterlords. The Leaders of the Herd. They Whose Bleeeeats Sound Across the Pasture. The Council of Horns. Headbutters of Steel. Leaders of the Stampede. Wearers of the Most Cute Pajamas."
Pictured: Three of the Goaterlords - Harley, Proxima, and IceBlueFire.
"The leadership for the goats is truly exceptional. We never see any infighting - any disagreements are handled in private. The messaging from our Goaterlords is 100% consistent. Communication is clear and constant. Questions are answered swiftly. We receive never-ending encouragement."
After I'd thrown up, my sycophantic informant went on to call out The Villains as the G.O.A.T.'s primary target, which hints that the Dongs may also target the Villains come the final four. G.O.A.T.s manifesto can be read in full here, where they further promise to make hell for the other teams who stand in their way - a promise they may have to fulfil from six feet beneath the ground.
So long G.O.A.T. You weren't the greatest of all time, but you definitely did exist. No-one can deny you that.
NECROMANCERS SELF OWN
According to screenshots I've received from a member of Necromancers', it seems that their leader, Triplicant, contributed greatly to his team's demise through his own carelessness. Triplicant was reportedly in charge of his team's discord channel, and it was here where he shared both their battle plans and alliances - crucial information which nobody but fellow Necromancers should be able to see.
Unfortunately, due to an error Triplicant made in setting up the channel, members of the Snowflakes were added to the group, and they weren't quiet about it either.
The Snowflakes had a little fun with this, and continued to use their access to the Necromancers' channel for their own advantage. It is through this channel the Necromancers posthumously discussed how they may charge the remaining teams to help them fulfil their aspirations. Whether they are taken up on this offer is yet to be seen, given their incompetence.
One thing I do know is that the Necromancers are not the only team who have leaked their information to the Snowflakes. But we'll have more on that later.
VILLAINS LEADERSHIP SHOCK
I have received precious little information from within the Villains camp during Elimination 2018, until now. Previous reports had indicated things were going well, with KING-0F-KINGS commenting a week ago that "the leaders are doing a great job even when we get frustrated but they do everything and keep us together."
Then it all fell apart. One player messaged me to say that their targets were chosen seemingly on a whim, with G.O.A.T.s attacked one hour, Chocolate Pain the next and even Team Cupcake being targeted, despite the two supposedly being allied. Then an assault on Cereal Killers was ordered without explanation, as was an alliance with Snowflakes - a move which confused many of the Villains' members.
"Villains have been backstabbing everyone on their team left and right. Villains leadership has flipped every time(in private) they thought it would help their team. That's why currently villains are being piled on and the other teams are getting them out."
DiamondAce was supposedly leading the Villains, and although some people were trying to remove him, I heard that most of the team had remained loyal. Then the dissent began to grow, and earlier this morning an anonymous Villain suggested that a mutiny may be in the works. But who will take charge of the Villains if the coup is successful? Not this guy, that's for sure.
Villain member Zelken described TheDarkArcher as "Some annoying troll in our ranks" who "tried to tear us apart from the inside." This player was reportedly punished by his teammates - we have yet to ascertain what this entailed - and he has now applied to self fed as a result.
ORIGINAL ALLIANCES CONFIRMED
As Hank intimated earlier in this article, the original alliance in Elimination 2018 was between Spartans, Necromancers, Chocolate Pain, G.O.A.T.s and Undead - Cereal Killers joined later. Their aim was to eliminate the competition and secure the top five places for themselves, but they've actually achieved almost the opposite, with Nasty Surprise the only non-alliance team to have been eliminated so far.
Pictured: If the plan was failure, then mission accomplished.
This alliance originally consisted of just three teams, with Hildegarde of Spartans forming an understanding with Undead and G.O.A.T.. Undead then welcomed Necromancers into the alliance, with G.O.A.T. doing the same with Chocolate Pain. Their target was Nasty Surprise, who were chosen not because of their reported strength, but due to issues between Nova and Relentless, whose members made up the leadership of the Undead and Spartans. My Spartans informant continues the story:
"From there, the game was set. Our teams goal, was to be the Hammer... we would zero the teams, the alliances would hold them there. The plan worked perfect... until we realized we were being targeted by EVERY other team and our tickets were plummeting (romantics, undead, nasty, snowflakes, dongs, cereal, cupcakes all hitting us at once)."
The alliance continued to focus on Nasty Surprise - who had openly targeted Undead from day 1 in their own discord - while also reducing Snowflakes and Cupcakes in order of priority. This worked for a while, but their own ticket totals were beginning to suffer as a result, and the alliance suffered a major blow when Spartans became the first team to be eliminated.
Spartans members and leaders refused to quit even in the face of certain defeat, and even when they were eliminated, around forty members elected to continue hitting Nasty Surprise's online players to prevent them from attacking during their final moments. Spartans also maintained coordination with their alliances post-defeat, and in light of this, I would like to officially retract the word Spartahahahaha from one of my previous articles.
Cereal Killers were brought into the alliance only to betray the Spartans when they smelled Greek blood. Snowflakes did the same, with their extension of an olive branch towards Spartans most likely a clever trick employed to cause cracks within their rivals' alliance. After Spartans' elimination, the allies were there for the taking, with infighting and betrayal causing a great deal of confusion.
Cell told me he was sure that Spartans were never allied with G.O.A.T. Likewise, FullMetalJacket felt that Chocolate Pain had no alliances whatsoever, while his teammate TinCan said that G.O.A.T. were helping CP by trying to zero Cupcakes. What this tells me is that none of these so-called allies had a clue who they were supposed to be attacking. Or if they did, their alliances were betrayed quicker than a horse who leaves his master after seeing another horse in another field and thinking "yeah, as a horse, I'd like to have sex with that horse."
Pictured: The stained glass filter has been applied to this metaphor for your own safety.
On the other side of the fence, Snowflakes, Dongs, Villains and Team Cupcake were originally allied in a group I've creatively named The B-Team, and these four currently hold the top slots in the competition at present. The B-Team has a non-aggression pact towards Romantics, but this will likely be pulped now G.O.A.T. has been eliminated, leaving the rival alliance free to show Romantics some tough love before fighting amongst themselves for the title. Or will they?
Rumour has it that Snowflakes had planned on making a move to ally themselves with G.O.A.T. and eliminate one of their own allies - most likely Dongs - but unlike Kirsty MacColl, they've completely missed the boat. If such backstabbery were to succeed, it should have been attempted when G.O.A.T. were in a strong position. Romantics and G.O.A.T. reportedly agreed a late-game alliance too, so we could've had a three-on-three fight, if one of the B-Team had been bold enough to try it.
However, the B-Team may still fracture if the Romantics are approached by at least two other members to form an alliance. Possible victims of this treachery could be Team Cupcake, who may have attempted to form a secret understanding with both G.O.A.T. and Cereal Killers earlier in the competition. They were also rumoured to have been part of the rival alliance at some point, before being foolishly kicked out by the other members. With just ten lives left at present, Team Cupcake could be gone within half a day if the others decide they cannot be trusted.
Alternatively, The Villains may become a victim of their own duplicity, having flipped more often than a part-penguin gymnast working at McDonalds - yes, these metaphors are becoming tenuous, but bear with me, please. Last night, I was told that the Villains are deemed volatile by the leaders of Dongs, Snowflakes and Team Cupcake, and that the Romantics have now been welcomed into the B-Team with the aim of eliminating Villains once G.O.A.T. are gone.
"Dongs have an alliance with snowflakes, cupcakes and romantics. Villains is just in the group. So Dongs in the last 24 hours made a deal with Goats to hit Villains (so they didn't have to break Dongs/villains NAP). Dongs then made a nap with new inexperienced leadership of CK. The nap said Dongs would stop attacking ck if ck attacked Goats. Ck stopped attacking dongs and started attacking Goats (since Dongs had a nap with Goats it was a way around the nap). Dongs immediately broke this nap and ck started hitting dongs and got out of the comp."
Villains are not wholly trusted by Team Cupcake, and my source tells me that Dongs wish to face the Cupcakes and Romantics in the final three. With Dongs and Snowflakes on a full complement of 25 lives each, it does make sense that neither would ally themselves with Team Cupcake (10) or Villains (20). This assessment was confirmed by the following leak from within the Dongs camp.
Pictured: This leak did not come from my informant dong, or from my own dong. It was a separate, corrupted dong.
You would presume that if their plan went correctly and Villains are eliminated, Dongs and one other team - possibly Cupcakes - could then orchestrate the other two teams' defeat so they could face off in the final. But why do that when either could guarantee a win by partnering with Romantics instead? Romantics could therefore finish second, regardless of who the other two teams are, as they will inevitably act as kingmaker by courting the favour of one of the two stronger outfits.
As this article went to press, both Dongs and Villains were losing tickets, indicating a possible alliance between Snowflakes, Villains and Team Cupcake against Romantics and Dongs. Romantics were the team in last place at 3 pm, and again at 4 pm, but with their tickets on the increase and both Dongs and Villains being hit hard, who knows how things will stand when the next deadline approaches.
Update: Romantics are now ahead of the Villains. Romantics and Dongs are allied vs Team Cupcake, Snowflakes and Villains. Nevertheless, I predict The Villains will be gone before Romantics.
COLD DONG DISCOVERED
The information that the Dongs are targeting the Villains is a significant leak in itself, but there could be more on the way, as a member of the Snowflakes reportedly has a Dong feeding him information - yummy.
Krullebolle is the Snowflake in question, but I have elected not to reveal the Dong, as his pleas were so piteous it felt cruel to do so. What I can tell you is that Krullebolle is known as the spy's "Torn dad", and I have no intention of finding out what that means.
I do not know exactly how much information the Dong has passed on to Krullebolle, as the only thing the pair admitted to sharing was confirmation that the Dongs were indeed allying themselves to the Snowflakes. Snowflake leaders were worried that the Dongs may betray them, and their informant on the inside will apparently be used as a Dong-shaped alarm should they decide to do so. Krullebolle elaborates below:
"As per your accusations: I have never paid anyone for information. All received information was given to me freely. There was nothing incriminating and/or juicy to it. The information given was a confirmation that our partnerships between teams was held intact. I am so sorry you couldn't find any drama here, I am but a humble snowflake."
HATE CONTINUES TO FAIL
I will end this article with a piece of self indulgence. As many of you may know, several members of Nasty Surprise have chosen to target this reporter for what they perceive as bias against them, bias which, in their exalted opinion, led to their embarrassing defeat early on in the Elimination competition. Hank has since confirmed that other factors led to NS's targeting, but let us not spoil this little soiree with something as silly as facts.
No other team has been this deluded or demented in their response to elimination, and Stretch's assertion that NS are still making "front page news" is somewhat undermined by the fact that the Torn City Times has no pages. Nevertheless, it seems Nasty Surprise are determined to continue making a nuisance of themselves, as I recently received forewarning of fresh threat towards my person from a player called -PK-
"LETS DOWNVOTE ALL THE POSTS OF SUGARVALVES. A new campaign. I wish I put you on negative karma. That will be sweet sexy revenge...right?"
I found this message tragic for a variety of reasons. First, the affirmation -PK- so clearly seeks is starkly illustrated by a desperate demand for validation towards the end of his statement...right? It felt like a toddler gleefully showing you the first poo-poo he'd done in the potty like a good little boy.
Second, I fear that this campaign to reduce my karma is doomed to fail. Nasty Surprise's joint efforts thus far have reduced my karma by a grand total of 15. I could humorously compare this to the poor showing displayed in the elimination event itself, but to do so would be to compare the gravitational effects of a grape with Charlie Sheen's immune system - neither are particularly strong.
Finally, I would like to clarify that my bounties won't be removed at end of competition - it was a ruse on my part - but the suggestion that they might will surely be enough to whip Nasty Surprise into a froth anyway. Because let's face it, none of them will read this far, if they even are capable of reading.
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