sugarvalves [1963573] —
Original article
Massive hospital boost provided on final event day of the year. Faction violence and crime increase expected. Medical supplies and revive prices set to plummet.
Torn citizens have been warned that they can expect a day of unbridled violence this Wednesday, as a temporary initiative by the Torn City Hospital looks set to slash hospital waiting times by up to 75%.
Pictured: The bad kind of Slash
For the duration of Wednesday 12th of December - now known as Slash Wednesday - the staff of TCH will work four times faster in an attempt to get patients out of the door as soon as humanly possible. For example, while being hospitalised during a fight would usually send you to the hospital for around four hours, on Slash Wednesday you'll be fine and dandy in just over one. Likewise, a single Xanax overdose typically leads to a stay of several days, but on the 12th, such incidents may require no more than 24 hours to treat in full.
The purpose behind this day of extremely urgent urgent care is to celebrate Universal Health Care Day, a global movement which seeks to imbue all citizens of the world with free healthcare at the point of delivery. 32 of the world's 33 developed nations have this facility, with the United States of America being the only one to believe that people shouldn't pay for other people's s**t - a belief which requires one to temporarily forget how all taxes work.
Thankfully, Torn City is not as naive as its former suzerain, having adopted universal healthcare upon the establishment of the Torn City Hospital back in the early 1800's, as its current head Erich Hoffman explains:
"Back in the neutral zone days the hospital used to charge folks for their treatment, only to get robbed of that same cash as soon as the delinquent was all patched up. They figured they oughta just cut out the middle man - quite literally in some cases - and treat people for free, so they did."
"Criminals used to give the nurses all sorts of favors and perks as a token of gratitude for healing them. That's what paid for all the bandages and tinctures back then. Today we just get cash pumped to us from the Casino. I guess in that respect there ain't no real difference if you got universal health care or not. Either way you're gamblin."
Torn's celebration of Universal Healthcare Day will be used to remind its people of how lucky they are by charging each individual patient a huge fee in exchange for quicker treatment. However, citizens will not see a single invoice or demand for money from the TCH, as all the associated costs of this venture will be taken from the personal account of Perplex- as punishment for his crimes against honour and decency.
Pictured: The good kind of Slash, who was quoted recently as saying "Perplex- is a ****."
The only downside to Slash Wednesday will be its impact on the paid-for healthcare economy, with revivers and sellers of medical supplies likely to see a huge downturn in their profits on this day. One other group which may be slightly perturbed is our city's legion of self-hospers - also known as cowards - who will need to use four times as many explosives or blood bags to achieve the typically expected length of stay in the Torn City Hospital.
But for everyone else, Slash Wednesday should prove to be one of the most action-packed days of the year. Drug users will be free of overdose effects after no more than a morning's convalescence. Criminals who are injured while committing arson or assassinations will be fighting fit and ready to start again in the time it takes a woman with a short bob to complain to the manager. And, perhaps most importantly, factions who are defending territories or attempting chains will see their members return to the front lines in less time and using fewer resources than ever before.
Slash Wednesday begins at 00:00 Torn City Time on Wednesday 12th of December and will last until 00:00 on the 13th. Only hospitalisations from incidents which occur during this period will be eligible for the 75% reduction in treatment times. Citizen Perplex- is encouraged to send all of his money to Duke if he wishes to protect it from the immense number of fees which will shortly be levied upon his person.
Pictured: The bad kind of Slash
For the duration of Wednesday 12th of December - now known as Slash Wednesday - the staff of TCH will work four times faster in an attempt to get patients out of the door as soon as humanly possible. For example, while being hospitalised during a fight would usually send you to the hospital for around four hours, on Slash Wednesday you'll be fine and dandy in just over one. Likewise, a single Xanax overdose typically leads to a stay of several days, but on the 12th, such incidents may require no more than 24 hours to treat in full.
The purpose behind this day of extremely urgent urgent care is to celebrate Universal Health Care Day, a global movement which seeks to imbue all citizens of the world with free healthcare at the point of delivery. 32 of the world's 33 developed nations have this facility, with the United States of America being the only one to believe that people shouldn't pay for other people's s**t - a belief which requires one to temporarily forget how all taxes work.
Thankfully, Torn City is not as naive as its former suzerain, having adopted universal healthcare upon the establishment of the Torn City Hospital back in the early 1800's, as its current head Erich Hoffman explains:
"Back in the neutral zone days the hospital used to charge folks for their treatment, only to get robbed of that same cash as soon as the delinquent was all patched up. They figured they oughta just cut out the middle man - quite literally in some cases - and treat people for free, so they did."
"Criminals used to give the nurses all sorts of favors and perks as a token of gratitude for healing them. That's what paid for all the bandages and tinctures back then. Today we just get cash pumped to us from the Casino. I guess in that respect there ain't no real difference if you got universal health care or not. Either way you're gamblin."
Torn's celebration of Universal Healthcare Day will be used to remind its people of how lucky they are by charging each individual patient a huge fee in exchange for quicker treatment. However, citizens will not see a single invoice or demand for money from the TCH, as all the associated costs of this venture will be taken from the personal account of Perplex- as punishment for his crimes against honour and decency.
Pictured: The good kind of Slash, who was quoted recently as saying "Perplex- is a ****."
The only downside to Slash Wednesday will be its impact on the paid-for healthcare economy, with revivers and sellers of medical supplies likely to see a huge downturn in their profits on this day. One other group which may be slightly perturbed is our city's legion of self-hospers - also known as cowards - who will need to use four times as many explosives or blood bags to achieve the typically expected length of stay in the Torn City Hospital.
But for everyone else, Slash Wednesday should prove to be one of the most action-packed days of the year. Drug users will be free of overdose effects after no more than a morning's convalescence. Criminals who are injured while committing arson or assassinations will be fighting fit and ready to start again in the time it takes a woman with a short bob to complain to the manager. And, perhaps most importantly, factions who are defending territories or attempting chains will see their members return to the front lines in less time and using fewer resources than ever before.
Slash Wednesday begins at 00:00 Torn City Time on Wednesday 12th of December and will last until 00:00 on the 13th. Only hospitalisations from incidents which occur during this period will be eligible for the 75% reduction in treatment times. Citizen Perplex- is encouraged to send all of his money to Duke if he wishes to protect it from the immense number of fees which will shortly be levied upon his person.
Original article
Comments
Post a Comment