sugarvalves [1963573] —
Original article
Nerve boost in effect over two days due to increased potency of marijuana. Productivity predicted to drop 400%. Miley Cyrus banned from city. Overdoses expected.
Torn City is set to slump into a drug-induced stupour this weekend thanks to a bizarre auditory phenomenon which experts say will cause Cannabis to become three times as effective as usual. It is predicted that this unforeseen event will last for approximately 48 hours, and citizens have been advised to stock up on essential supplies such as nachos, hot pockets and those weird spicy peanuts in anticipation of a widespread shortage.
Pictured: Serious scientific inquiry.
This weekend of chronic laziness was predicted by Torn College Geologist Dr Quasimodo Mantle, whose research team has been investigating some unusual tectonic activity within the lithosphere beneath Torn City. Beginning at 12:00 noon Torn City Time on Friday the 19th of April, Mantle says that a series of sudden movements in the Earth's crust - most likely caused by recent nuclear activity on the surface - will result in a chain of minor quakes so weak only dogs are likely to detect them.
"Only dogs are likely to detect them. And maybe some large weasels or small horses too."
However, according to Dr Mantle - whose Doctorate is in Childcare and Homeopathy - these quakes are not the main event. The combined force of the tremors will result in a wave of quantum vibrations being transmitted through the surface of the Earth and out into the lower troposphere. And it is these which are expected to lead to an increase in Cannabis effectiveness. The Dr explains more below.
"Certain quantum vibrations are capable of temporarily altering the molecular structure of chemical elements and compounds. The unique pattern of soundwaves emitted as a result of the vibrations will cause an auditory phenomenon known as Reefertones, which are so called because they are known to affect the composition of tetrahydrocannabinols - the principal psychoactive constituent of Cannabis. Does that make sense? Are you buying that? Please say you're buying that."
If that all sounds quite convoluted, that's probably because it's all a load of bo****ks. Dr Mantle is known to use over-elaborate explanations to hide the effects of his public experiments on the Torn City people. Dr Mantle was fingered for last year's Climate Cannabis Hoax when he leaked a report to the Torn City Times suggesting that a gust of South American wind known as The Pineapple Express would also cause Cannabis potency to rise. It is unknown precisely what caused this event in 2018, though, as the nature of Dr Mantle's experiments remains a closely guarded secret.
Pictured: For research purposes only.
Whatever the purpose of this investigation, Mantle has suggested that the effects of this year's Cannabis boost will last even longer than ever, with his press release indicating a minimum 48-hour activity duration.
"It will last 48 hours. You can quote me on that."
Thanks Dr. Throughout this period, Cannabis users can expect to receive three times the usual nerve boost from a single hit of the drug. However, the downside to this increase is a five-fold boost to your chances of experiencing an overdose. Citizens who are pursuing the 'Spaced Out' honor bar for overdosing on Cannabis will likely welcome this side-effect, although those who intend to use the nerve boost to commit more crimes than usual probably won't.
Regardless, a spike in crimes and Cannabis use is expected over the coming weekend, with 2018 having borne witness to a ten-fold increase in the use of sticky-icky-icky the last time this event took place. And in response to this increased demand, it is likely that the Cannabis supply will be drained and more highly priced than usual.
Many bazaar owners bought up stocks of Cannabis after our Market Report predicted the return of 420 day at the end of March. Given the massive increase in Torn's citizenry of late, we would not be surprised if prices end up surpassing $30,000 per joint by the end of today once this article goes out.
But what can you do if you're woke, broke and fancy a toke? Well, the Torn City Times has been alerted to an amazing offer by FIDEL-CASTRO, who promises his bazaar will sell Cannabis for $420 a pop on April 20th. Will Fidel's bazaar be able to keep up with demand now that we've publicised this offer without telling him beforehand? Let's hope so. Because if everyone is able to take advantage of this temporary boost to Cannabis, this weekend is going to be more lit than the spire of Notre Dame.
Pictured: 420 blaze it.
TL;DR: Cannabis Day is a 48 hour event taking place from Noon on Friday 19th of April until Noon on Sunday 21st of April. Cannabis will be three times as effective and five times more likely to give you an overdose during this period.
Pictured: Serious scientific inquiry.
This weekend of chronic laziness was predicted by Torn College Geologist Dr Quasimodo Mantle, whose research team has been investigating some unusual tectonic activity within the lithosphere beneath Torn City. Beginning at 12:00 noon Torn City Time on Friday the 19th of April, Mantle says that a series of sudden movements in the Earth's crust - most likely caused by recent nuclear activity on the surface - will result in a chain of minor quakes so weak only dogs are likely to detect them.
"Only dogs are likely to detect them. And maybe some large weasels or small horses too."
However, according to Dr Mantle - whose Doctorate is in Childcare and Homeopathy - these quakes are not the main event. The combined force of the tremors will result in a wave of quantum vibrations being transmitted through the surface of the Earth and out into the lower troposphere. And it is these which are expected to lead to an increase in Cannabis effectiveness. The Dr explains more below.
"Certain quantum vibrations are capable of temporarily altering the molecular structure of chemical elements and compounds. The unique pattern of soundwaves emitted as a result of the vibrations will cause an auditory phenomenon known as Reefertones, which are so called because they are known to affect the composition of tetrahydrocannabinols - the principal psychoactive constituent of Cannabis. Does that make sense? Are you buying that? Please say you're buying that."
If that all sounds quite convoluted, that's probably because it's all a load of bo****ks. Dr Mantle is known to use over-elaborate explanations to hide the effects of his public experiments on the Torn City people. Dr Mantle was fingered for last year's Climate Cannabis Hoax when he leaked a report to the Torn City Times suggesting that a gust of South American wind known as The Pineapple Express would also cause Cannabis potency to rise. It is unknown precisely what caused this event in 2018, though, as the nature of Dr Mantle's experiments remains a closely guarded secret.
Pictured: For research purposes only.
Whatever the purpose of this investigation, Mantle has suggested that the effects of this year's Cannabis boost will last even longer than ever, with his press release indicating a minimum 48-hour activity duration.
"It will last 48 hours. You can quote me on that."
Thanks Dr. Throughout this period, Cannabis users can expect to receive three times the usual nerve boost from a single hit of the drug. However, the downside to this increase is a five-fold boost to your chances of experiencing an overdose. Citizens who are pursuing the 'Spaced Out' honor bar for overdosing on Cannabis will likely welcome this side-effect, although those who intend to use the nerve boost to commit more crimes than usual probably won't.
Regardless, a spike in crimes and Cannabis use is expected over the coming weekend, with 2018 having borne witness to a ten-fold increase in the use of sticky-icky-icky the last time this event took place. And in response to this increased demand, it is likely that the Cannabis supply will be drained and more highly priced than usual.
Many bazaar owners bought up stocks of Cannabis after our Market Report predicted the return of 420 day at the end of March. Given the massive increase in Torn's citizenry of late, we would not be surprised if prices end up surpassing $30,000 per joint by the end of today once this article goes out.
But what can you do if you're woke, broke and fancy a toke? Well, the Torn City Times has been alerted to an amazing offer by FIDEL-CASTRO, who promises his bazaar will sell Cannabis for $420 a pop on April 20th. Will Fidel's bazaar be able to keep up with demand now that we've publicised this offer without telling him beforehand? Let's hope so. Because if everyone is able to take advantage of this temporary boost to Cannabis, this weekend is going to be more lit than the spire of Notre Dame.
Pictured: 420 blaze it.
TL;DR: Cannabis Day is a 48 hour event taking place from Noon on Friday 19th of April until Noon on Sunday 21st of April. Cannabis will be three times as effective and five times more likely to give you an overdose during this period.
Original article
Comments
Post a Comment