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Items of value stolen from loan shark in vicious daylight robbery. New nudes of Duke reportedly available on 4chan. Dangerous foreign weapons among items looted.
Torn City loan shark Shirley Prima Dante Calabrese, aka The Duke, was attacked today by a gang of vicious thugs, with the rotund mafioso robbed of several items of clothing during the horrific assault. The attack, which took place at 14:16 TCT, reportedly involved a large number of assailants, with Megalomaniacal, HARDY, Bats, Riot, razzaonpc and imSkyler identified by eyewitnesses as those who looted items from the victim.
Pictured: Duke shortly after the attack as filmed by a 'concerned curtain twitcher'. It is unknown why he was fully nude at the time, as his shirt, jacket and underpants were not stolen.
In an official report to the Torn City Police Department, Duke reported that he was availed of six items by the mob, including two Nail Bombs, a Fedora, a Madball and two pairs of Pinstripe Suit Trousers. Quite what The Duke was doing wearing two pairs of trousers is as yet unknown, but it is not unheard of for a man of his age, weight and dietary habits to soil himself without warning.
These items have not been seen in Torn before today, with the loan shark seemingly having imported several unique weapons and garments into the city using his Mafia connections - or he ordered them off Etsy, we haven't yet decided. Either way, the people of Torn seem keen to get their hands on this loot now that they've got a taste for fancy goods, and the Torn City Times has heard that further attacks are planned upon Don Calabrese later this day.
Quite why Duke was targeted in the first place remains a mystery. The gimp mask owning Italian has drawn the ire of Torn's citizens on a number of occasions over recent years, be it for his aggressive debt collection strategies, his interference in official player events, the difficult nature of his missions or that time he conned the entire city out of several billion dollars by pretending to be a charity. Each of these incidents alone are worthy of a good old-fashioned hiding, so perhaps everyone has simply had enough of Calabrese's shenanigans.
Pictured: A meme made of Duke during his court hearing on the infamous scamming issue. He was acquitted on all charges and given a steamed ham as an apology.
But Torn's perpetually enraged citizens would do well to curtail their emotions for a short while yet, as it is believed The Duke has no intention of allowing people to pilfer his imported goods every time he steps out of the house. The unsettlingly musky loan shark will reportedly only carry these unique items upon his person whenever he feels safe enough to do so. If he is assaulted many times in rapid succession, it is likely Duke will carry nothing but a sharp tongue, a cheeky smile and a pair of wandering hands.
Therefore, the immoral conclusion we have come to is that Torn's people should space out their attacks and lull Don Calabrese into a false sense of security, before striking when he least expects it. We have heard that there are seven unique items which are frequently carried by The Duke, meaning there are three more still to be stolen from the faux-Sicilian greaseball - two of which are pieces of weaponry he was seen wielding during the recent attack.
People of all levels with a grudge against Duke have been encouraged by members of the Torn community to get their revenge against him, given that the results of the recent fight indicates the rewards will not be given to those who make the final hit. The gang which attacked Duke consisted of players of varying strengths and abilities, but it was those who did the most damage or made the most attacks who seem to have been able to grab themselves some loot.
Pictured: The kind of no-mark poindexter who can now take loot from the Duke.
In response to this attack, The Duke has reportedly signed up for a monthly physical with the intention of building up his health. He has also decided to take data protection measures to ensure that nobody can find out how fast, fat, limber and lardy he is. Whether these steps will prevent him being constantly looted is something we'll have to find out.
But with his Nail Bomb already on sale for $999 million, a Madball going for $1.5 billion and his trousers being offered for $3 billion, it seems likely that the people of Torn will be rifling through Duke's pockets for some time yet - at least until the next poor schmuck comes along with treasure in their trousers.
Pictured: Duke shortly after the attack as filmed by a 'concerned curtain twitcher'. It is unknown why he was fully nude at the time, as his shirt, jacket and underpants were not stolen.
In an official report to the Torn City Police Department, Duke reported that he was availed of six items by the mob, including two Nail Bombs, a Fedora, a Madball and two pairs of Pinstripe Suit Trousers. Quite what The Duke was doing wearing two pairs of trousers is as yet unknown, but it is not unheard of for a man of his age, weight and dietary habits to soil himself without warning.
These items have not been seen in Torn before today, with the loan shark seemingly having imported several unique weapons and garments into the city using his Mafia connections - or he ordered them off Etsy, we haven't yet decided. Either way, the people of Torn seem keen to get their hands on this loot now that they've got a taste for fancy goods, and the Torn City Times has heard that further attacks are planned upon Don Calabrese later this day.
Quite why Duke was targeted in the first place remains a mystery. The gimp mask owning Italian has drawn the ire of Torn's citizens on a number of occasions over recent years, be it for his aggressive debt collection strategies, his interference in official player events, the difficult nature of his missions or that time he conned the entire city out of several billion dollars by pretending to be a charity. Each of these incidents alone are worthy of a good old-fashioned hiding, so perhaps everyone has simply had enough of Calabrese's shenanigans.
Pictured: A meme made of Duke during his court hearing on the infamous scamming issue. He was acquitted on all charges and given a steamed ham as an apology.
But Torn's perpetually enraged citizens would do well to curtail their emotions for a short while yet, as it is believed The Duke has no intention of allowing people to pilfer his imported goods every time he steps out of the house. The unsettlingly musky loan shark will reportedly only carry these unique items upon his person whenever he feels safe enough to do so. If he is assaulted many times in rapid succession, it is likely Duke will carry nothing but a sharp tongue, a cheeky smile and a pair of wandering hands.
Therefore, the immoral conclusion we have come to is that Torn's people should space out their attacks and lull Don Calabrese into a false sense of security, before striking when he least expects it. We have heard that there are seven unique items which are frequently carried by The Duke, meaning there are three more still to be stolen from the faux-Sicilian greaseball - two of which are pieces of weaponry he was seen wielding during the recent attack.
People of all levels with a grudge against Duke have been encouraged by members of the Torn community to get their revenge against him, given that the results of the recent fight indicates the rewards will not be given to those who make the final hit. The gang which attacked Duke consisted of players of varying strengths and abilities, but it was those who did the most damage or made the most attacks who seem to have been able to grab themselves some loot.
Pictured: The kind of no-mark poindexter who can now take loot from the Duke.
In response to this attack, The Duke has reportedly signed up for a monthly physical with the intention of building up his health. He has also decided to take data protection measures to ensure that nobody can find out how fast, fat, limber and lardy he is. Whether these steps will prevent him being constantly looted is something we'll have to find out.
But with his Nail Bomb already on sale for $999 million, a Madball going for $1.5 billion and his trousers being offered for $3 billion, it seems likely that the people of Torn will be rifling through Duke's pockets for some time yet - at least until the next poor schmuck comes along with treasure in their trousers.
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