sugarvalves [1963573] —
Original article
Not really. But they do tell us about their entries, as do the runners up. So read on to find out who bought a fish, who staged an accident, and who demanded pictures of my feet.
The Mr and Ms Torn competition concluded last Friday, with Bogie and RogueSubmarine taking the title for their respective genders. Both of our champions finished some way ahead of the opposition, with 0.48 and 0.38 points separating them from their rivals in second place. As is the tradition in Torn City, our newly crowned Mr and Ms Torn will now have their pick of the city's virgins, with a 1,000 strong male-dominated hareem expected in place by the end of the week ahead of a month-long love festival predicted to cause several hundred passionate deaths say a few words to the city's people.
Mr Torn - Bogie
The name of Bogie's entry is classified information that only a select few are privy to. Anyone outside of this circle who guesses it correctly will be shot and buried in a shallow grave.
For many, the fact that Bogie won this event was troubling news, as it is thought that no man can possibly wield the dual power of Mr Torn and Community Manager without endangering the security of all Torn citizens. It'd be like Captain America being able to use Mjölnir or something. But far from being a threat, Bogie says it is his job to Make Torn Safe Again - although you won't see that slogan on many hats.
"I'm here to uphold the security of Torn, heck we even made a post about it recently! https://www.torn.com/forums.php#/p=threads&f=1&t=16109512&b=0&a=0"
In all seriousness, some citizens did question whether staff should be allowed to enter Mr and Ms Torn. These people have all mysteriously disappeared since they aired their grievances, with many now languishing in Federal Jail for crimes they definitely did commit. Bogie understands their position, though, and promises to let their families know the location of their bodies once he has secured a suitable alibi.
"I had seriously considered withdrawing my entry but was told by numerous people (including the 2nd place individual) not to, whilst I fully expected some backlash I don't believe I won as a result of being CM. Ultimately it was my decision to keep my entry up and I stand by that. Next year I'll just enter something boring and if that wins well then I guess I was wrong."
A more pressing issue concerns the baby depicted in Bogie's entry. Last year, SuckMyGypsy bought several plushies for her entry, before returning them for a refund once she'd shot her picture. Sadly, with his child having already served his purpose, Bogie will be unable to do the same.
"I've asked numerous times what the return policy on a baby is, turns out it's a little more complicated than this..."
The final question I had for Bogie concerned his placement of a mug. I noticed that both Mr and Ms Torn employed crockery to great effect, indicating the start of a mug-based trend beginning in Torn City. That being said, neither mug was seen to be sat atop a coaster, so I asked Bogie if humanity is destined for a centuries-long era of pure unbridled savagery. Bogie somehow managed to come up with an answer to this stupid question, and I will write it out for you below.
"I'd moved the mug on top of my PC tower and regret there being no coaster present, I have one on my desk usually but in this case I was being lazy - shame on me."
Ms Torn - RogueSubmarine
"This Photograph is entitled "How Many Lightbulbs Does it Take RagefulManiac to Take a Picture," and the answer is 6... and a salt lamp. Rageful does lighting professionally and when I told him I needed him to take my picture for this he went all out. Honestly, I'm just glad to see his hard work paid off."
RogueSubmarine said she's taking her win in her stride, commenting that notoriety in Torn is a valuable thing not easily acquired - especially in a positive light. She notes that the Ms. Torn title is unique in its offering of attention in exchange for participation. But while she is proud to own a golden crown, her true goal is to have a yellow fist icon by her name for a top page faction one day. Until then, she has the following message for the citizens of Torn.
"My message to the city is, of course, one of gratitude. A crown is an awesome gift, but one given by the vote of the people is all that much more special. I've had a blast engaging with everyone this year via global, the forums, and my own inbox. It's been absolutely surreal to hold first all month and take home the win. Special thank you to all who spoke in my favor on the forum thread named after me. That read was certainly the highlight of my time running for the title."
RogueSubmarine's factionmates in Natural Selection III celebrated her win by equipping rusty swords and funny clothes while submitting themselves to defeat against her as a way of bowing down. In real life, RS' gentleman caller RagefulManiac brought her a glass of champagne to toast her victory and reportedly gushed about how he gets to kiss THE Ms. Torn - something she found both adorable and flattering.
Indeed, RagefulManiac's own entry used the same Torn City Times shirt as that of his spouse, and while RogueSubmarine's sporting of this ancient merch gained her the Ms Torn title, RagefulManiac will soon have his own erotic twelve-month calendar available in the Torn Redbubble store - or at least he would have, if the censors hadn't pulped the entire run due to the obscene poses we made him do.
Pictured: September, which was the only month we are legally allowed to show.
Now, let us move on to the more salacious part of the interview. Because let's be honest, there was only one question on everyone's lips when they saw RogueSubmarine's photo. What was in that mug? Tea? Milk? Tears? Or piping hot gravy?
"I was drinking Coke when that picture was taken, mostly because your attention to detail in last year's article terrified me and I didn't want to come all this way and win just to be called out for having an empty mug. So this is what peace of mind feels like."
The second question everyone asked was about her tattoo, which is apparently of King Arthur's round table, and was inspired by a version of Camelot RogueSubmarine was told when she was young.
"There was a knight from a neighboring kingdom who came bearing gifts and was attempting to compliment King Arthur when he said, "it must be so easy for you to be so kind, as you are so known for your chivalry," But King Arthur scoffed. He shook his head and pointed at the round table in front of them and replied, "Do you think that a man who does not struggle with the concepts of kindness and chivalry and humility must build himself a shrine to remind himself to act that way every day?" So King Arthur though he is famed for his noble heart and choices those actions came no more easily to him. His table was his reminder to choose kindness and love and humility, even when he himself felt less than. My tattoo is my reminder to be kind to myself as I find that balance, too."
The Best of the Rest
So those are the two people our city deemed the most talented and/or attractive, but what about the losers who finished in second and third? GavinDymock's is a funny old story, because he deliberately involved himself in a car crash just to create an exciting Mr Torn entry. Well actually, he didn't, and he found the insinuation that he did so rather offensive.
"Obviously not you insensitive f**k. In the same situation would you ask your mother or child that? How do you get into an accident deliberately? Who let you report on Torn?"
Unbeknownst to Gavin, I frequently ask my mother whether she deliberately causes her own injuries. The answer is almost always yes, through drunkenness and her own stupidity. Joking aside, we at Torn wish Gavin well in his recovery from a severe dislocation of the humerus. And in one of the brief periods of this interview where Mr Dymock didn't hate me, he told me his entry was called "Semi".
"Because I always have bounties on me hence the OUTLAW on the paper + Linking being able to be hospitalized in the game by being in a car crash to my RL car crash."
Pictured: Semi.
Gavin says he added a few band-aids and the odd bit of makeup to himself in preparation for his entry, but the rest of his injuries are all too real, and all of us at Torn do genuinely hope he gets better soon. The accident which prompted this photograph took place in Spain, and when I jokingly suggested Gavin should've used the repatriation perk to send himself home while hospitalised, he informed me that this isn't possible, because Torn is just a game.
"That is a sick f**king joke as why would anything to do with this game have an effect on my RL? ''regret not joining a logistics firm to make use of the Repatriation perk?'' You do know www.Torn.com isn't RL."
I would like to end this section by stating for the record that this interview still wasn't as painful as the one I refused to publish with Amyrlin last year. Oh, and speaking of pain, the Ms Torn runner up had a proper good knife. Did you see it? Look, here it is.
Ishtar, who is that menacing looking lady up there, told the Times that her image doesn't have a title because "Art doesn't need a name and it should speak for itself." That being said, we do need some words to fill up this article, so I interrogated Ishtar on the number of bounties her entry suggests she receives.
"The bounties are a manifestation of my haters' desires to both keep me down and give me a spotlight. They hate that they think about me so much, but they can't help it. JK teehee maybe it's because I say meow a lot. Meowowow!!! *runs away*"
Jesus Christ. Anyway, Ishtar apparently sat on four pillows to prop herself up for this image, and she says the gun in the foreground is "as real as it has to be." Furthermore, Ishtar says she'd like to thank Huzaifah for being her little campaigner, and Vikenstein for helping with the idea, and she wonders if she may even have won if she had entered sooner and hadn't pissed so many people off.
But the most interesting response Ishtar gave was to the question of who in Torn she'd most like to shank with that little knife of hers. The answer Ishtar provided made it quite clear she'd given this question a great deal of thought.
"I find ItsZahid's high-pitched screams of pain to be the most melodious. Hehehehe..."
I have no intention of finding out how Ishtar knows this. Anyway, third-placed Evaline was next up, and she told me that her success was quite unexpected.
"I didn't expect to even make the first page - especially with some stiff competition. (Not sure that it was only my competition who was stiff to be honest... especially after the scandalous severisa entry.)"
"My entry is called "I revive stupid" - not because the general population of Torn is stupid, but rather they tend to get into some really stupid situations. Shot yourself in the foot? I can revive that. Crashed your car while street racing? I can revive that. Overdosed on weed? I will congratulate you AND revive that. Just ask Ampheromine. I think you get the picture (pun intended)."
I asked Evaline whether she was a nurse in real life, and it turns out that she is, although she's not licensed to give medical advice, so she advises anyone with an injury to attend their local Emergency Room. Nonetheless, I asked her if she'd be willing to fly out and treat GavinDymock, as he seems in dire need of attention.
"I am quite handy with an IV kit though and fast on the draw with narcotics. I strive for the highest patient satisfaction scores. Nurse Evaline - at your service... Though I am not OR trained, I am an ER nurse and our folk are known for "winging it." I'd be happy to take a stab! He'll have to sign a waiver of liability of course... Or if he hasn't the guts, I'm happy to kiss it better."
Given that Evaline is an actual qualified nurse, I asked her to look at a purple rash on my foot. She immediately diagnosed it as Purpura and demanded pictures to continue her diagnosis. Thankfully, it turns out the purple rash was just Ribena. But unlike my foot rash, the drugs in Evaline's pocket were all too real.
"Those drugs are a legal prescription filled at Walgreen's not in my name. I was... uhhh... just about to administer them. You know... to the patient."
My final interviewee is the third-placed Mr Torn Vladar, whose entry is called Trout Slap Number 17. He describes it as "an exploration and interpolation of the interspecies relation of marine and mammalian populations. It depicts my wife getting slapped with what is supposed to be a trout, which is my favorite in game temporary weapon."
Vladar told me that Estelle, his real-life wife and the subject of the fish-bashing, was the one who bought that big fish down at Whole Foods - fancy. They apparently couldn't find a trout, so they settled for the largest trout-like fish Estelle could find. During the photoshoot, Estelle apparently licked the fish accidentally in one of the takes. But after their image had been captured successfully, they made a firm decision to lick it on purpose, and also chew it a bit too.
"We salt-crusted it and ate it. It was not a very high-quality fish though, so we ended up throwing most of it out."
You may have also noticed that Vladar has rather large hands. I certainly did. He says he didn't enter the Hand Pride event because "he didn't want to embarrass the competition. Plus Bogie probably would just win that competition too." And with that, our interview was over. Or so I thought. For late on Friday night, I received a message from his beloved Estelle which included a candid, behind-the-scenes image depicting the cruel fate of their long-dead trout impersonator.
"That is a picture of the salt-crusted fish which Vlad said you might want. I was planning to take an I hate miss torn pic with the head and skeleton leftovers but he wouldn’t let me."
Estelle's inability to do as she wishes with a fish carcass segues nicely into the final part of this article, which is to announce that the I Hate Mr and Ms Torn competition will open this Friday. This event asks players to submit the most grotesque picture of themselves possible. So if you have the kind of face that would make Mother Theresa start worshipping Satan's unholy crevice, keep an eye out on the Community Events page for this forthcoming event.
Mr Torn - Bogie
The name of Bogie's entry is classified information that only a select few are privy to. Anyone outside of this circle who guesses it correctly will be shot and buried in a shallow grave.
For many, the fact that Bogie won this event was troubling news, as it is thought that no man can possibly wield the dual power of Mr Torn and Community Manager without endangering the security of all Torn citizens. It'd be like Captain America being able to use Mjölnir or something. But far from being a threat, Bogie says it is his job to Make Torn Safe Again - although you won't see that slogan on many hats.
"I'm here to uphold the security of Torn, heck we even made a post about it recently! https://www.torn.com/forums.php#/p=threads&f=1&t=16109512&b=0&a=0"
In all seriousness, some citizens did question whether staff should be allowed to enter Mr and Ms Torn. These people have all mysteriously disappeared since they aired their grievances, with many now languishing in Federal Jail for crimes they definitely did commit. Bogie understands their position, though, and promises to let their families know the location of their bodies once he has secured a suitable alibi.
"I had seriously considered withdrawing my entry but was told by numerous people (including the 2nd place individual) not to, whilst I fully expected some backlash I don't believe I won as a result of being CM. Ultimately it was my decision to keep my entry up and I stand by that. Next year I'll just enter something boring and if that wins well then I guess I was wrong."
A more pressing issue concerns the baby depicted in Bogie's entry. Last year, SuckMyGypsy bought several plushies for her entry, before returning them for a refund once she'd shot her picture. Sadly, with his child having already served his purpose, Bogie will be unable to do the same.
"I've asked numerous times what the return policy on a baby is, turns out it's a little more complicated than this..."
The final question I had for Bogie concerned his placement of a mug. I noticed that both Mr and Ms Torn employed crockery to great effect, indicating the start of a mug-based trend beginning in Torn City. That being said, neither mug was seen to be sat atop a coaster, so I asked Bogie if humanity is destined for a centuries-long era of pure unbridled savagery. Bogie somehow managed to come up with an answer to this stupid question, and I will write it out for you below.
"I'd moved the mug on top of my PC tower and regret there being no coaster present, I have one on my desk usually but in this case I was being lazy - shame on me."
Ms Torn - RogueSubmarine
"This Photograph is entitled "How Many Lightbulbs Does it Take RagefulManiac to Take a Picture," and the answer is 6... and a salt lamp. Rageful does lighting professionally and when I told him I needed him to take my picture for this he went all out. Honestly, I'm just glad to see his hard work paid off."
RogueSubmarine said she's taking her win in her stride, commenting that notoriety in Torn is a valuable thing not easily acquired - especially in a positive light. She notes that the Ms. Torn title is unique in its offering of attention in exchange for participation. But while she is proud to own a golden crown, her true goal is to have a yellow fist icon by her name for a top page faction one day. Until then, she has the following message for the citizens of Torn.
"My message to the city is, of course, one of gratitude. A crown is an awesome gift, but one given by the vote of the people is all that much more special. I've had a blast engaging with everyone this year via global, the forums, and my own inbox. It's been absolutely surreal to hold first all month and take home the win. Special thank you to all who spoke in my favor on the forum thread named after me. That read was certainly the highlight of my time running for the title."
RogueSubmarine's factionmates in Natural Selection III celebrated her win by equipping rusty swords and funny clothes while submitting themselves to defeat against her as a way of bowing down. In real life, RS' gentleman caller RagefulManiac brought her a glass of champagne to toast her victory and reportedly gushed about how he gets to kiss THE Ms. Torn - something she found both adorable and flattering.
Indeed, RagefulManiac's own entry used the same Torn City Times shirt as that of his spouse, and while RogueSubmarine's sporting of this ancient merch gained her the Ms Torn title, RagefulManiac will soon have his own erotic twelve-month calendar available in the Torn Redbubble store - or at least he would have, if the censors hadn't pulped the entire run due to the obscene poses we made him do.
Pictured: September, which was the only month we are legally allowed to show.
Now, let us move on to the more salacious part of the interview. Because let's be honest, there was only one question on everyone's lips when they saw RogueSubmarine's photo. What was in that mug? Tea? Milk? Tears? Or piping hot gravy?
"I was drinking Coke when that picture was taken, mostly because your attention to detail in last year's article terrified me and I didn't want to come all this way and win just to be called out for having an empty mug. So this is what peace of mind feels like."
The second question everyone asked was about her tattoo, which is apparently of King Arthur's round table, and was inspired by a version of Camelot RogueSubmarine was told when she was young.
"There was a knight from a neighboring kingdom who came bearing gifts and was attempting to compliment King Arthur when he said, "it must be so easy for you to be so kind, as you are so known for your chivalry," But King Arthur scoffed. He shook his head and pointed at the round table in front of them and replied, "Do you think that a man who does not struggle with the concepts of kindness and chivalry and humility must build himself a shrine to remind himself to act that way every day?" So King Arthur though he is famed for his noble heart and choices those actions came no more easily to him. His table was his reminder to choose kindness and love and humility, even when he himself felt less than. My tattoo is my reminder to be kind to myself as I find that balance, too."
The Best of the Rest
So those are the two people our city deemed the most talented and/or attractive, but what about the losers who finished in second and third? GavinDymock's is a funny old story, because he deliberately involved himself in a car crash just to create an exciting Mr Torn entry. Well actually, he didn't, and he found the insinuation that he did so rather offensive.
"Obviously not you insensitive f**k. In the same situation would you ask your mother or child that? How do you get into an accident deliberately? Who let you report on Torn?"
Unbeknownst to Gavin, I frequently ask my mother whether she deliberately causes her own injuries. The answer is almost always yes, through drunkenness and her own stupidity. Joking aside, we at Torn wish Gavin well in his recovery from a severe dislocation of the humerus. And in one of the brief periods of this interview where Mr Dymock didn't hate me, he told me his entry was called "Semi".
"Because I always have bounties on me hence the OUTLAW on the paper + Linking being able to be hospitalized in the game by being in a car crash to my RL car crash."
Pictured: Semi.
Gavin says he added a few band-aids and the odd bit of makeup to himself in preparation for his entry, but the rest of his injuries are all too real, and all of us at Torn do genuinely hope he gets better soon. The accident which prompted this photograph took place in Spain, and when I jokingly suggested Gavin should've used the repatriation perk to send himself home while hospitalised, he informed me that this isn't possible, because Torn is just a game.
"That is a sick f**king joke as why would anything to do with this game have an effect on my RL? ''regret not joining a logistics firm to make use of the Repatriation perk?'' You do know www.Torn.com isn't RL."
I would like to end this section by stating for the record that this interview still wasn't as painful as the one I refused to publish with Amyrlin last year. Oh, and speaking of pain, the Ms Torn runner up had a proper good knife. Did you see it? Look, here it is.
Ishtar, who is that menacing looking lady up there, told the Times that her image doesn't have a title because "Art doesn't need a name and it should speak for itself." That being said, we do need some words to fill up this article, so I interrogated Ishtar on the number of bounties her entry suggests she receives.
"The bounties are a manifestation of my haters' desires to both keep me down and give me a spotlight. They hate that they think about me so much, but they can't help it. JK teehee maybe it's because I say meow a lot. Meowowow!!! *runs away*"
Jesus Christ. Anyway, Ishtar apparently sat on four pillows to prop herself up for this image, and she says the gun in the foreground is "as real as it has to be." Furthermore, Ishtar says she'd like to thank Huzaifah for being her little campaigner, and Vikenstein for helping with the idea, and she wonders if she may even have won if she had entered sooner and hadn't pissed so many people off.
But the most interesting response Ishtar gave was to the question of who in Torn she'd most like to shank with that little knife of hers. The answer Ishtar provided made it quite clear she'd given this question a great deal of thought.
"I find ItsZahid's high-pitched screams of pain to be the most melodious. Hehehehe..."
I have no intention of finding out how Ishtar knows this. Anyway, third-placed Evaline was next up, and she told me that her success was quite unexpected.
"I didn't expect to even make the first page - especially with some stiff competition. (Not sure that it was only my competition who was stiff to be honest... especially after the scandalous severisa entry.)"
"My entry is called "I revive stupid" - not because the general population of Torn is stupid, but rather they tend to get into some really stupid situations. Shot yourself in the foot? I can revive that. Crashed your car while street racing? I can revive that. Overdosed on weed? I will congratulate you AND revive that. Just ask Ampheromine. I think you get the picture (pun intended)."
I asked Evaline whether she was a nurse in real life, and it turns out that she is, although she's not licensed to give medical advice, so she advises anyone with an injury to attend their local Emergency Room. Nonetheless, I asked her if she'd be willing to fly out and treat GavinDymock, as he seems in dire need of attention.
"I am quite handy with an IV kit though and fast on the draw with narcotics. I strive for the highest patient satisfaction scores. Nurse Evaline - at your service... Though I am not OR trained, I am an ER nurse and our folk are known for "winging it." I'd be happy to take a stab! He'll have to sign a waiver of liability of course... Or if he hasn't the guts, I'm happy to kiss it better."
Given that Evaline is an actual qualified nurse, I asked her to look at a purple rash on my foot. She immediately diagnosed it as Purpura and demanded pictures to continue her diagnosis. Thankfully, it turns out the purple rash was just Ribena. But unlike my foot rash, the drugs in Evaline's pocket were all too real.
"Those drugs are a legal prescription filled at Walgreen's not in my name. I was... uhhh... just about to administer them. You know... to the patient."
My final interviewee is the third-placed Mr Torn Vladar, whose entry is called Trout Slap Number 17. He describes it as "an exploration and interpolation of the interspecies relation of marine and mammalian populations. It depicts my wife getting slapped with what is supposed to be a trout, which is my favorite in game temporary weapon."
Vladar told me that Estelle, his real-life wife and the subject of the fish-bashing, was the one who bought that big fish down at Whole Foods - fancy. They apparently couldn't find a trout, so they settled for the largest trout-like fish Estelle could find. During the photoshoot, Estelle apparently licked the fish accidentally in one of the takes. But after their image had been captured successfully, they made a firm decision to lick it on purpose, and also chew it a bit too.
"We salt-crusted it and ate it. It was not a very high-quality fish though, so we ended up throwing most of it out."
You may have also noticed that Vladar has rather large hands. I certainly did. He says he didn't enter the Hand Pride event because "he didn't want to embarrass the competition. Plus Bogie probably would just win that competition too." And with that, our interview was over. Or so I thought. For late on Friday night, I received a message from his beloved Estelle which included a candid, behind-the-scenes image depicting the cruel fate of their long-dead trout impersonator.
"That is a picture of the salt-crusted fish which Vlad said you might want. I was planning to take an I hate miss torn pic with the head and skeleton leftovers but he wouldn’t let me."
Estelle's inability to do as she wishes with a fish carcass segues nicely into the final part of this article, which is to announce that the I Hate Mr and Ms Torn competition will open this Friday. This event asks players to submit the most grotesque picture of themselves possible. So if you have the kind of face that would make Mother Theresa start worshipping Satan's unholy crevice, keep an eye out on the Community Events page for this forthcoming event.
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