sugarvalves [1963573] —
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Citizens admit to scamming their faction, lying to a hot girl, deceiving the members of Fun & Games and tricking our very own community manager!
The people of Torn have much to confess, it seems, judging by the volume of correspondence you've sent in for the attention of Pastor Williams. Last week the head of the Torn Church invited our city's most errant sinners to absolve themselves of their guilt through the act of confession by detailing their misdeeds in a message to the Torn City Times. Over 200 individual confessions have been made so far, with more flooding in each and every day.
The Torn City Times will publish a selection of the most salacious confessions every month - we have a rather large backlog - and their authors will be rewarded with both absolution and a Donator Pack. Please continue to send in your confessions to Sugarvalves at your earliest convenience, as we will publish the best ones first. Here are the entries which Pastor Williams deemed in need of a most urgent response. The confessors' identities have been protected for their own safety. Each confession has been formatted into a melodramatic Postsecret style image.
The Pastor's Response
"Whoever would love life and see good days must keep their tongue from evil and their lips from deceitful speech" - Peter 3:10, The Bible
The Bible is quite clear in its stance on deception, my child. Whilst one has not employed use of their oral appendages in performing this deceitful act, I fear the Almighty may judge you as sinful nonetheless - especially as thou hast hoodwinked thine own Community Manager.
To repent, I instruct thee to sell twenty items of a value higher than $400k on the item market for 10% of their valuation. Peace be with you my swindling son.
The Pastor's Response
Yet another deceitful act, but since Torn's Church is a multi-faith institution, I shall consult the Qur'an to respond to this particular sin. Chapter 16, Sura An-Nahl, seems to suggest there are circumstances that can compel you to tell a lie, specifically if you are trying to convert a non-believer, smooth over differences, or gain the upper hand over an enemy.
However, since you readily admit to lying on every free gift game, one imagines that your reasons for deceiving your fellow citizens are less than noble. Your punishment is to throw half of your ten most expensive possessions into the dump immediately. Be well my freeloading friend.
The Pastor's Response
"Ho, all who are thirsty, come for water." - Isaiah 55:1, The Torah.
I see nothing wrong with this, pending confirmation that said player is indeed a woman whose presence is restorative. Nonetheless, if the two of you are to one day be wed - and I pray that you are - I suggest you admit your crime to your bae posthaste.
Message this woman immediately to confess your sin. Do not send any pictures of yourself sans attire, for the gods see all.
The Pastor's Response
"'Since you have done a half-ass job, you will receive half an ass!' The Great Pirate Solomon grabbed his ceremonial scimitar and struck his remaining donkey, cleaving it in two." - Slackers 1:51–52, The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster
Your stupidity is undeniable, my fair-brained fellow, but I believe you have punished yourself for your own idiocy more than any God ever would care to. By failing to investigate the proper use of Boxing Gloves and wasting such a precious resource, I believe you have suffered enough. Rest easy, simple mind.
The Pastor's Response
"He who acts with a constant view to his own advantage will be much murmured against." - Confucius
Encouraging one's teammates to abandon the competition in an attempt to help yourself and the rest of your team succeed is a noble act, especially if it comes at great expense to you personally. But lo, the fact you then deceived thy teammates marks you as a person of distrust, and as Confucius suggests, there will be murmuring aplenty behind your back in the months to come.
I suggest as penance that you resolve to say nothing but positive things on the forums for the remainder of October. And you must also take out two of your teeth with pliers by next Thursday.
"Is it stealing if you steal from another thief?" - Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice
Given that you are a member of a faction, and that factions are criminal enterprises, one might say that stealing from your factionmates is not really stealing at all. I would not disagree. However, I do take issue with your excuse that you're doing this "because my OCD likes round numbers". You do this because your greed likes big numbers, in your bank account, you bankrupt heathen. Do not think you can deceive a man of the cloth so easily, my obsessively compulsive child.
To atone for the sin of using a disorder to excuse your crimes, it is my judgement that you must wear different coloured socks for the next four fortnights. Now be gone, for I must go play Fortnite with the Lord.
CONFESSORS EXPOSED
Pastor Williams and the Torn City Times are committed to protecting the identities of those who confess their genuine sins. However, those of you who abuse this system by sending in "hilarious" or clearly fabricated confessions will be exposed for the ne'er-do-wells that you are. Here, feast thine eyes upon the wretched, for they are now your prey.
"I stole office supplies from my company when I was fired. It was an adult novelties store by the way, so these were no ordinary office supplies." - BroPuter
"I wish to forego anonymity. I began eating my dead great grandmother's ashes. I just can't stop." - Sunmoon471
"One time I stole candy from a baby. I mean people seem to only tell the part where I also stole its ribcage, but oh well." - The_Biblioklept
"I hate to say it and i'm disgusted everyday of this but I upvoted an Evil-Duck Forum post." - Cambomitch
$100 MILLION FOR YOUR SINS
Those who wish to confess their sins publicly in exchange for a chance to win $100 million have until 5pm Torn City Time to do so. Entries must be posted on the Torn Facebook page. A fresh batch of Torn confessions will be posted next month.
The Torn City Times will publish a selection of the most salacious confessions every month - we have a rather large backlog - and their authors will be rewarded with both absolution and a Donator Pack. Please continue to send in your confessions to Sugarvalves at your earliest convenience, as we will publish the best ones first. Here are the entries which Pastor Williams deemed in need of a most urgent response. The confessors' identities have been protected for their own safety. Each confession has been formatted into a melodramatic Postsecret style image.
The Pastor's Response
"Whoever would love life and see good days must keep their tongue from evil and their lips from deceitful speech" - Peter 3:10, The Bible
The Bible is quite clear in its stance on deception, my child. Whilst one has not employed use of their oral appendages in performing this deceitful act, I fear the Almighty may judge you as sinful nonetheless - especially as thou hast hoodwinked thine own Community Manager.
To repent, I instruct thee to sell twenty items of a value higher than $400k on the item market for 10% of their valuation. Peace be with you my swindling son.
The Pastor's Response
Yet another deceitful act, but since Torn's Church is a multi-faith institution, I shall consult the Qur'an to respond to this particular sin. Chapter 16, Sura An-Nahl, seems to suggest there are circumstances that can compel you to tell a lie, specifically if you are trying to convert a non-believer, smooth over differences, or gain the upper hand over an enemy.
However, since you readily admit to lying on every free gift game, one imagines that your reasons for deceiving your fellow citizens are less than noble. Your punishment is to throw half of your ten most expensive possessions into the dump immediately. Be well my freeloading friend.
The Pastor's Response
"Ho, all who are thirsty, come for water." - Isaiah 55:1, The Torah.
I see nothing wrong with this, pending confirmation that said player is indeed a woman whose presence is restorative. Nonetheless, if the two of you are to one day be wed - and I pray that you are - I suggest you admit your crime to your bae posthaste.
Message this woman immediately to confess your sin. Do not send any pictures of yourself sans attire, for the gods see all.
The Pastor's Response
"'Since you have done a half-ass job, you will receive half an ass!' The Great Pirate Solomon grabbed his ceremonial scimitar and struck his remaining donkey, cleaving it in two." - Slackers 1:51–52, The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster
Your stupidity is undeniable, my fair-brained fellow, but I believe you have punished yourself for your own idiocy more than any God ever would care to. By failing to investigate the proper use of Boxing Gloves and wasting such a precious resource, I believe you have suffered enough. Rest easy, simple mind.
The Pastor's Response
"He who acts with a constant view to his own advantage will be much murmured against." - Confucius
Encouraging one's teammates to abandon the competition in an attempt to help yourself and the rest of your team succeed is a noble act, especially if it comes at great expense to you personally. But lo, the fact you then deceived thy teammates marks you as a person of distrust, and as Confucius suggests, there will be murmuring aplenty behind your back in the months to come.
I suggest as penance that you resolve to say nothing but positive things on the forums for the remainder of October. And you must also take out two of your teeth with pliers by next Thursday.
"Is it stealing if you steal from another thief?" - Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice
Given that you are a member of a faction, and that factions are criminal enterprises, one might say that stealing from your factionmates is not really stealing at all. I would not disagree. However, I do take issue with your excuse that you're doing this "because my OCD likes round numbers". You do this because your greed likes big numbers, in your bank account, you bankrupt heathen. Do not think you can deceive a man of the cloth so easily, my obsessively compulsive child.
To atone for the sin of using a disorder to excuse your crimes, it is my judgement that you must wear different coloured socks for the next four fortnights. Now be gone, for I must go play Fortnite with the Lord.
CONFESSORS EXPOSED
Pastor Williams and the Torn City Times are committed to protecting the identities of those who confess their genuine sins. However, those of you who abuse this system by sending in "hilarious" or clearly fabricated confessions will be exposed for the ne'er-do-wells that you are. Here, feast thine eyes upon the wretched, for they are now your prey.
"I stole office supplies from my company when I was fired. It was an adult novelties store by the way, so these were no ordinary office supplies." - BroPuter
"I wish to forego anonymity. I began eating my dead great grandmother's ashes. I just can't stop." - Sunmoon471
"One time I stole candy from a baby. I mean people seem to only tell the part where I also stole its ribcage, but oh well." - The_Biblioklept
"I hate to say it and i'm disgusted everyday of this but I upvoted an Evil-Duck Forum post." - Cambomitch
$100 MILLION FOR YOUR SINS
Those who wish to confess their sins publicly in exchange for a chance to win $100 million have until 5pm Torn City Time to do so. Entries must be posted on the Torn Facebook page. A fresh batch of Torn confessions will be posted next month.
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