sugarvalves [1963573] —
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Find out why you should always do your research, why envy is destructive, and how the Torn City Times has been exonerated over its involvement in Elimination 2018.
October's maiden confessional was a spicy affair, to say the least. We had a scammer admit to a ruse involving Bogie, a thief who professed to abusing the trust of those in Fun and Games, and a quite awful moron who confessed they had wasted an expensive stat enhancer.
But the confessions we have for you this time around are even spicier. And even though I plan on saying that every single month, I can assure you that this time it's true. Mostly because our first confession comes from a participant in 2018's Elimination contest, and it exonerates none other than yours truly.
The Pastor's Response
"And fight them on until there is no more tumult or oppression, and there prevail justice and faith in Allah altogether and everywhere; but if they cease, verily Allah doth see all that they do." - Qur'an 8:39
Allah doth see all that you do. He doth see! While I am no fan of the newspaper editor - he peddles gossip like a loose-tongued fishwife - the fact that you allowed him to take the blame for your errant scheming is undoubtedly a grave sin. As penance, I would have you box yourself five Small Explosive Devices, and open one on each of the next five Sundays at noon. May peace and dismemberment be with you my conniving child.
The Pastor's Response
“You shall not steal; you shall not deal deceitfully or falsely with one another. You shall not swear falsely by My name, profaning the name of your God: I am Adonai.” - Torah, Leviticus 19:11–12
Follower, I see why one has taken the path that one doth hath. You watched with envy as another saw fortune fall into their lap. Greedily, you stole their moment for your own, as you yourself entered the lottery of deception, and up came the numbers of the beast. Their sin is idle-mindedness, but yours is deceit. I bestow upon you the following instruction: Fly to the Cayman Islands with your ill-gotten gains about your person, and upon landing await, for the Lord's work will surely be done by others - he's a big fan of outsourcing.
The Pastor's Response
"To enjoy good health, to bring true happiness to one's family, to bring peace to all, one must first discipline and control one's own mind. If a man can control his mind he can find the way to Enlightenment, and all wisdom and virtue will naturally come to him." - Buddha
It is a beautiful thing to see a father and son bond over the same pastimes. I myself am childless, but if I had a son of mine very own, I'd take him to wash the feet of the whores at the bus station every Thursday night - some have nothing but stumps remaining, so we're usually done in time to go for a Chinese meal afterwards.
But you sir, you have sullied this moment of familial intimacy with your wanton avarice. This is not to be confused with wonton avarice, which I often have late on Thursdays. It is my judgement that to bring true happiness to your family, you must increase your son's pocket money by 100%, or purchase for him a most profitable Torn City company, which will be named "Father's Lament".
The Pastor's Response
[Shrek looks at Farquaad's very large castle] "Gee, you think he's compensating for something?" - Shrek, from the movie Shrek.
What are you compensating for, my anonymous stirrer of faecal matter? By engaging in these sordid little games with Torn's newcomers, it appears you are trying to assert your power and intellect over those who are weaker than you. This, it seems, giveth you satisfaction so great that you cannot help but repeat the process. Would it be so terrible if you were to do something nice, anonymously? I fear so. With that in mind, my edict is as follows: I want you to go out and pick a fight with a baby. I want you to pick a fight, and lose.
The Pastor's Response
"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." - Bible - Peter, 3:3-4
Your sin is envy, my child. Fear not, for we all experience this on occasion. I myself am often jealous of how much more priestly other priests are than I. One feels that you have already atoned for this sin, given that you hath befriended many of those you formerly deemed "hotties".
However, you must also make amends for your great insult to the Lord himself. For if God made all people in his own image, and you bore your flesh in the Ms Torn contest, for all intents and purposes you have exposed God's naked form for all to see. God did not give permission for you to share his most holy nudes. To remedy this, I advise that whenever you utter the Lord's name in vain, you preface it with the words "fully clothed". i.e. "Oh my fully-clothed God! Did you see that guy's guts hanging out? Jesus entirely dressed Christ!"
CONFESSORS EXPOSED
Thank you once more to all of our confessors. May the wounds of your soul heal quick when the soothing ointment of piety hath been applied. Don't be shy now, slather it on. However, once more we have several wrongdoers who see fit to mock the great institution of the Torn Church by foisting upon us half-truths, untruths and outright lies. Here are their pathetic attempts to ridicule our most sacred confessional. Do with them what you must.
"I got mad at Leslie for my loss at the Wheel. I left the casino and returned with a handful of dirt and smeared it on his face. I fled when he took a swing at me. The casino security tackled me and had me thrown into jail....for 9 minutes. HAHAHAHA." - NevilleHuffy
"I turn children into soup." - PeanutBudda
"My 5-month-old son has the middle name "Danger" but it is a secret from his grandparents. His grandma is about to die without ever knowing her grandson's real name..." - CDXX
"I am the reason Duke's office smells so bad. Every time I go there I fart quietly into the chair for the duration. From time to time I will bring half-empty tuna cans, blue cheeses or random fragrant garbage and hide it around the place. I started doing this so I would be the only one who could stand to be in there and so get all the juicy contracts, but over time it's become a habit and I just can't stop. One time I scooped up dog poop in a newspaper and discretely flung it up to the ceiling.. it's still there." - Bobnfrends
But the confessions we have for you this time around are even spicier. And even though I plan on saying that every single month, I can assure you that this time it's true. Mostly because our first confession comes from a participant in 2018's Elimination contest, and it exonerates none other than yours truly.
The Pastor's Response
"And fight them on until there is no more tumult or oppression, and there prevail justice and faith in Allah altogether and everywhere; but if they cease, verily Allah doth see all that they do." - Qur'an 8:39
Allah doth see all that you do. He doth see! While I am no fan of the newspaper editor - he peddles gossip like a loose-tongued fishwife - the fact that you allowed him to take the blame for your errant scheming is undoubtedly a grave sin. As penance, I would have you box yourself five Small Explosive Devices, and open one on each of the next five Sundays at noon. May peace and dismemberment be with you my conniving child.
The Pastor's Response
“You shall not steal; you shall not deal deceitfully or falsely with one another. You shall not swear falsely by My name, profaning the name of your God: I am Adonai.” - Torah, Leviticus 19:11–12
Follower, I see why one has taken the path that one doth hath. You watched with envy as another saw fortune fall into their lap. Greedily, you stole their moment for your own, as you yourself entered the lottery of deception, and up came the numbers of the beast. Their sin is idle-mindedness, but yours is deceit. I bestow upon you the following instruction: Fly to the Cayman Islands with your ill-gotten gains about your person, and upon landing await, for the Lord's work will surely be done by others - he's a big fan of outsourcing.
The Pastor's Response
"To enjoy good health, to bring true happiness to one's family, to bring peace to all, one must first discipline and control one's own mind. If a man can control his mind he can find the way to Enlightenment, and all wisdom and virtue will naturally come to him." - Buddha
It is a beautiful thing to see a father and son bond over the same pastimes. I myself am childless, but if I had a son of mine very own, I'd take him to wash the feet of the whores at the bus station every Thursday night - some have nothing but stumps remaining, so we're usually done in time to go for a Chinese meal afterwards.
But you sir, you have sullied this moment of familial intimacy with your wanton avarice. This is not to be confused with wonton avarice, which I often have late on Thursdays. It is my judgement that to bring true happiness to your family, you must increase your son's pocket money by 100%, or purchase for him a most profitable Torn City company, which will be named "Father's Lament".
The Pastor's Response
[Shrek looks at Farquaad's very large castle] "Gee, you think he's compensating for something?" - Shrek, from the movie Shrek.
What are you compensating for, my anonymous stirrer of faecal matter? By engaging in these sordid little games with Torn's newcomers, it appears you are trying to assert your power and intellect over those who are weaker than you. This, it seems, giveth you satisfaction so great that you cannot help but repeat the process. Would it be so terrible if you were to do something nice, anonymously? I fear so. With that in mind, my edict is as follows: I want you to go out and pick a fight with a baby. I want you to pick a fight, and lose.
The Pastor's Response
"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." - Bible - Peter, 3:3-4
Your sin is envy, my child. Fear not, for we all experience this on occasion. I myself am often jealous of how much more priestly other priests are than I. One feels that you have already atoned for this sin, given that you hath befriended many of those you formerly deemed "hotties".
However, you must also make amends for your great insult to the Lord himself. For if God made all people in his own image, and you bore your flesh in the Ms Torn contest, for all intents and purposes you have exposed God's naked form for all to see. God did not give permission for you to share his most holy nudes. To remedy this, I advise that whenever you utter the Lord's name in vain, you preface it with the words "fully clothed". i.e. "Oh my fully-clothed God! Did you see that guy's guts hanging out? Jesus entirely dressed Christ!"
CONFESSORS EXPOSED
Thank you once more to all of our confessors. May the wounds of your soul heal quick when the soothing ointment of piety hath been applied. Don't be shy now, slather it on. However, once more we have several wrongdoers who see fit to mock the great institution of the Torn Church by foisting upon us half-truths, untruths and outright lies. Here are their pathetic attempts to ridicule our most sacred confessional. Do with them what you must.
"I got mad at Leslie for my loss at the Wheel. I left the casino and returned with a handful of dirt and smeared it on his face. I fled when he took a swing at me. The casino security tackled me and had me thrown into jail....for 9 minutes. HAHAHAHA." - NevilleHuffy
"I turn children into soup." - PeanutBudda
"My 5-month-old son has the middle name "Danger" but it is a secret from his grandparents. His grandma is about to die without ever knowing her grandson's real name..." - CDXX
"I am the reason Duke's office smells so bad. Every time I go there I fart quietly into the chair for the duration. From time to time I will bring half-empty tuna cans, blue cheeses or random fragrant garbage and hide it around the place. I started doing this so I would be the only one who could stand to be in there and so get all the juicy contracts, but over time it's become a habit and I just can't stop. One time I scooped up dog poop in a newspaper and discretely flung it up to the ceiling.. it's still there." - Bobnfrends
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