sugarvalves [1963573] —
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Are you repeatedly mugged on payday? Does your boss punish you for playing Torn at work? And where did your old leader's stock block go? The answers to all may lie in this month's Torn Confessional.
Pastor Williams has watched the people of Torn with great interest over the past two months, hence why he missed his regular column back in February. Thankfully, his trial for voyeurism ended with a most deserv-ed acquittal, hencewhencewhereforth our most reverent citizen is now free to bestow his judgements upon the people once more. This month, in honour of Employee Appreciation Day, we have several work-based confessions for you to feast your eyes upon.
The Pastor's Response
"Don't tell people how to do things, tell them what to do and let them surprise you with their results." George Patton
The crime of hypocrisy is common to us all - I often find myself coveting thy neighbour's ox - but that is not the source of your sin, my child. The sin you have committed is incompetence, for if you were a capable employer, thou wouldst have hired someone intelligent enough to hide their surreptitious gameplay from your watchful gaze. Your punishment is to play Torn during work hours so often that you yourself are caught, either by your employees or your secretary - who I assume is also your lover.
The Pastor's Response
"Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but [rather] give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance [is] mine; I will repay, saith the Lord." - The Bible; Romans 12:19
Hoodwinking a rival in this manner may seem the right thing to do, as this scoundrel director clearly believes bribery and espionage are legitimate business tactics. However, hath thou considered the impact of your actions upon the wrongdoer's employees? They have committed no crime, and yet their jobs and wages are now surely under threat if the director uses your false information. However will they pay for their Xanax and Private Island rental fees now, oh vengeful one? I believe sufficient recompense can be found in the offering of your own job to those who may lose theirs as a result of your trickery.
The Pastor's Response
"As to the thief, male or female, cut off his or her hands: a punishment by way of example, from Allah, for their crime: and Allah is Exalted in power." - Qu'ran; 5:38
You will be glad to know that I have already petitioned our city's protector Chedburn for special dispensation to allow your hands to be removed from your wrists. Sadly, the time this would take to achieve would delay more important matters, such as Crimes 2.0, and Evil-Duck 3.0. So, in lieu of lost limbs, it is my judgement that you should remain unarmed in Torn City for the next month.
The Pastor's Response
“Happiness: being able to forget or, to express in a more learned fashion.” - Friedrich Nietzsche
You have takenetheth advantageth of the forgetfulness of others, my son, and ironically this is something you shall never be able to forget, lest you make amends for your actions. The guilt may not seem apparent thus far, but over time, it will consume your innards quicker than the Ebola virus. Return the stock to the faction if it is still active. If not, send the stock to another new faction, then donate $1 million to the Church - Pastor Williams wishes to treat himself to a mink-lined pulpit.
Note: CryoDark wished to forego anonymity and expose himself as the do'er of this deed.
The Pastor's Response
"Dishonor on you, dishonor on your cow." - Mulan
The people of this city expect to be robbed of their earnings and belongings on a daily basis - perhaps even thrice a day if the weather is nice. Theft is not something I take issue with, my conniving son. My concern is that your routine shakedowns have become just that, routine. While you may have earned a great deal of money from your shenanigans, at what cost has it come? Are you even capable of performing a mugging without prior knowledge anymore? I implore you to enrich your criminal soul and cease this routine robbery immediately. Instead, take on more varied targets, such as gamblers, point sellers, and the dwellers of New Player Chat.
CONFESSORS EXPOSED
This month we saw one confessor take the unusual step of demanding to be outed, so we can only assume that CryoDark is a glutton for punishment, or at the very least a huge pervert. Each month we receive many "joke" confessions in our holy inbox, and we feel it is incumbent upon us to expose these individuals for making a mockery of our most sacred confessional offerings. Here are the words of some bastards who, like the confessors above, will receive a Donator Pack as punishment for their silliness - the guilt they will feel having not earned this gift is harsh punishment in itself.
"My wife wanted sex and I told her she wouldn't have any until she opened a Torn account." - S_A_T_U_R_N
"I must confess... I once gave out cookies for free saying they were sugar cookies, but they were crushed pecan." - Sithlord987
"Father I have sinned. Once I had a three-way IRL with another torn city player. Please forgive me." - w2nlboredom
"Sorry that I nap thru your sermons 75% of the time. I have to confess that I enjoy raiding the pawnshop trying to find naked pictures of Duke as a child ..the one of him in a dress. When I can’t, I break the windows. I try to make amends by listening to the song Duke of Earl...in honor of Duke. Also I swept the broken glass and mailed it to the recycling company. Next time that I hear your homily, I will take notes. I should have listened closely last week on Moses and the bush on fire." - NevilleHuffy
The Pastor's Response
"Don't tell people how to do things, tell them what to do and let them surprise you with their results." George Patton
The crime of hypocrisy is common to us all - I often find myself coveting thy neighbour's ox - but that is not the source of your sin, my child. The sin you have committed is incompetence, for if you were a capable employer, thou wouldst have hired someone intelligent enough to hide their surreptitious gameplay from your watchful gaze. Your punishment is to play Torn during work hours so often that you yourself are caught, either by your employees or your secretary - who I assume is also your lover.
The Pastor's Response
"Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but [rather] give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance [is] mine; I will repay, saith the Lord." - The Bible; Romans 12:19
Hoodwinking a rival in this manner may seem the right thing to do, as this scoundrel director clearly believes bribery and espionage are legitimate business tactics. However, hath thou considered the impact of your actions upon the wrongdoer's employees? They have committed no crime, and yet their jobs and wages are now surely under threat if the director uses your false information. However will they pay for their Xanax and Private Island rental fees now, oh vengeful one? I believe sufficient recompense can be found in the offering of your own job to those who may lose theirs as a result of your trickery.
The Pastor's Response
"As to the thief, male or female, cut off his or her hands: a punishment by way of example, from Allah, for their crime: and Allah is Exalted in power." - Qu'ran; 5:38
You will be glad to know that I have already petitioned our city's protector Chedburn for special dispensation to allow your hands to be removed from your wrists. Sadly, the time this would take to achieve would delay more important matters, such as Crimes 2.0, and Evil-Duck 3.0. So, in lieu of lost limbs, it is my judgement that you should remain unarmed in Torn City for the next month.
The Pastor's Response
“Happiness: being able to forget or, to express in a more learned fashion.” - Friedrich Nietzsche
You have takenetheth advantageth of the forgetfulness of others, my son, and ironically this is something you shall never be able to forget, lest you make amends for your actions. The guilt may not seem apparent thus far, but over time, it will consume your innards quicker than the Ebola virus. Return the stock to the faction if it is still active. If not, send the stock to another new faction, then donate $1 million to the Church - Pastor Williams wishes to treat himself to a mink-lined pulpit.
Note: CryoDark wished to forego anonymity and expose himself as the do'er of this deed.
The Pastor's Response
"Dishonor on you, dishonor on your cow." - Mulan
The people of this city expect to be robbed of their earnings and belongings on a daily basis - perhaps even thrice a day if the weather is nice. Theft is not something I take issue with, my conniving son. My concern is that your routine shakedowns have become just that, routine. While you may have earned a great deal of money from your shenanigans, at what cost has it come? Are you even capable of performing a mugging without prior knowledge anymore? I implore you to enrich your criminal soul and cease this routine robbery immediately. Instead, take on more varied targets, such as gamblers, point sellers, and the dwellers of New Player Chat.
CONFESSORS EXPOSED
This month we saw one confessor take the unusual step of demanding to be outed, so we can only assume that CryoDark is a glutton for punishment, or at the very least a huge pervert. Each month we receive many "joke" confessions in our holy inbox, and we feel it is incumbent upon us to expose these individuals for making a mockery of our most sacred confessional offerings. Here are the words of some bastards who, like the confessors above, will receive a Donator Pack as punishment for their silliness - the guilt they will feel having not earned this gift is harsh punishment in itself.
"My wife wanted sex and I told her she wouldn't have any until she opened a Torn account." - S_A_T_U_R_N
"I must confess... I once gave out cookies for free saying they were sugar cookies, but they were crushed pecan." - Sithlord987
"Father I have sinned. Once I had a three-way IRL with another torn city player. Please forgive me." - w2nlboredom
"Sorry that I nap thru your sermons 75% of the time. I have to confess that I enjoy raiding the pawnshop trying to find naked pictures of Duke as a child ..the one of him in a dress. When I can’t, I break the windows. I try to make amends by listening to the song Duke of Earl...in honor of Duke. Also I swept the broken glass and mailed it to the recycling company. Next time that I hear your homily, I will take notes. I should have listened closely last week on Moses and the bush on fire." - NevilleHuffy
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