sugarvalves [1963573] —
Original article
Find out which HoF faction has been cucked by SA, which famous citizen posed nude with a pineapple, which revive faction has fallen apart, and what's going to happen to the Neutrilux 2000.
ONE PUNCH ABSORBED BY SA
One Punch, the 39th ranked HoF faction in Torn, is to be rebranded as Subversive Alliance 2 according to a faction newsletter leaked to the Torn City Times. One Punch has always been close to SA and has been considered their sister faction for some time now. However, this move is by no means a simple formalising of their alliance, as with the rebrand comes the departure of OP's leader King_David. Miro and Midknight have occupied the hotseat over the past few days, with Mysteria set as the current leader for the time being.
This blurry link confirms that the news of the rebrand was released to One Punch's members late last week - it is very blurry, I am sorry. We do not yet know how much, if anything, Subversive Alliance have paid to purchase One Punch, but according to Penicillin, this isn't the first time they've attempted to acquire the faction.
In a forum post speculating over Midknights future, Penicillin claimed that SA tried to buy OP last year, only to back off when they realised they were a stolen faction. It is alleged that The_Healer was the original owner of One Punch, only for Midknight and King_David to take it from him without compensation. A thread detailing these accusations can be found here.
NEW PLAYER STARTER PACK
If you're a new player in Torn who is under 75 days old, then you may qualify for a free starter pack of items courtesy of Kelsie. Her Newbie Starter Giveaway began in February, and since then this generous soul has given out collections of armor, weaponry, drugs and miscellaneous items to a plethora of new players who have responded to her thread. How bloody nice of her.
All you have to do to apply is reply to her post with a paragraph explaining who you are and what you hope to achieve in Torn City. And if Kelsie decides that you qualify, a shipment of useful items will be sent to you in due course. The Torn City Times will be making a donation of items to Kelsie to ensure this worthwhile initiative can continue for the foreseeable future.
AN IMPORTANT QUESTION
Arisito has a question they'd like to ask. Feel free to inundate them with your responses.
MEDICARE QUITS THE REVIVE GAME
One of Torn's leading revive factions, Medicare, has transitioned into a chaining faction called Waste Management, causing many leading members to leave and form their own outfit, FC Resurrectors. It has been alleged that there was no notice given ahead of this move, with Medicare's members led to believe that co-leader JohnnyGreed would be installed as leader just two days before the change occurred.
This obviously never happened, and a newsletter sent out by JohnnyGreed sums up the feeling within their camp. Stretch, the leader of Medicare's parent faction NS, told The Times that JohnnyGreed was never promised leadership, and he only took charge due to the previous leader going missing for a month. Stretch says the reason for this rebrand was that Medicare simply wasn't working out for them as an inhouse revive faction.
"There are some amazing revive factions around Torn and they do a much better job. Having reviewed some stats of Medicare's in terms of reviving, the median number of total revives in faction was 140, while the bottom 20 members had 0 revives. It was decided that it was in our best interest to let the pros continue doing what they do best in terms of reviving, so we transitioned away from the reviving structure there."
JohnnyGreed is now FC R's co-leader, alongside Piff, who leads this new revive faction. Meanwhile, Waste Management is led by CRLF, who informed their members that those who wanted to remain a reviver could join Emergency Room or their subfactions. He added that Medicare's revivers could move over as a group if they wished, that deposited items and cash would be returned, and that anyone could stay to achieve their days-in-faction award if desired.
Nevertheless, many Medicare members decided to move on, and at the time of writing, FC Resurrectors has managed to build a reviving faction of 90 members. But do they have the discipline to operate as an independent revive faction, or was Stretch's assessment of their abilities correct? We shall see.
SCAMMER ALERT
A player called Evetine contacted The Times to tell us how they scammed a new player out of $1 billion. It is possible that this admission was meant for Torn's monthly confessional article, but since there was no indication of this - you are supposed to use the title "CONFESS" in your message - the TCT feels obliged to share this scammer's deeds with the rest of the community. Have at em, Tornians.
HIGH-VALUE ITEMS TO BE RENTED
Last week, several Torn players got their hands on some ultra-rare and powerful items, as the winners of the Lucky Dip, Photography and Illustration competitions were announced via the newspaper. As usual, some curmudgeonly bastards complained that those who hadn't taken twelve Xanax a second for the duration of all time were somehow unworthy of owning an imaginary gun, as they would never be shared or used properly by such a pathetic wretch.
Thankfully, their whiney little outbursts have proven inaccurate. MuddBaal, the sub-100 day player who won the Neutrilux 2000, will soon be offering this powerful and desirable weapon for rental via his faction.
"The pleasure of renting this badboy through my faction TNL (The Next Level) will soon be available to those wishing to rain down a hailstorm of bullets on unfortunate victims all in the name of sweet merit satisfaction. The price for doing so has yet to be determined."
Likewise, LuluCthulhu plans to rent out her set of Dual Bushmasters via KMA's faction armory, but not before she's personalised them a little.
"The Dual Bushmasters, with their sexy name, are something every girl dreams of owning. Personally, I've opted to mod them into a fantastic boob weapon of death, as Torn is severely lacking in Boob Weaponry."
Pictured: Dual Boobmasters, coming soon? Make it happen Mr Chedburn.
Lpdinger nabbed a pair of Dual Axes from the Lucky Dip, and proceeded to sell them for $1.2 billion to LordAyo, with the proceeds used to buy a private island - Lpdinger added that Reallistassasin unsuccessfully tried to scam him out of these items before he sold them. Meanwhile, Judge_McGuire has placed the Dunkins Donut in their display case, with no plans to sell the item despite its estimated $2.5 billion valuation.
Elsewhere, Tanksnr wants to sell their Burmese Flag to pay for training but is waiting for a safe opportunity to do so; Madame_Tussaud has stashed her Education Coin inside her already impressive display case; Rig has put his $2.5 billion-rated Snowflake up for auction under the Very Rare category, and Zoo also plans to auction off his Mystery Sphere at some point soon, conceding he isn't strong or rich enough to start collecting rare items yet.
The fate of Chohivzla's Sports Sneakers is as yet unknown. While this young player has been inundated with offers already, including properties, objects, shares and hard cash, Chohivzla hasn't decided what she will do with her $12 billion-valued shoes, which give 5% gains to your gym speed gains. Unfortunately, these items aren't loanable like weapons are, but this might change soon if Mightygoober gets his way.
LaPetiteMort has not yet revealed what she plans to do with her Locked Teddy either. However, the real intrigue surrounds Lohzean's acquisition and swift disposal of a pair of P90's. This 500-day-old player hasn't responded to our questions as yet, and there are many for him to answer, given that his networth shows he gave away his valuable prize to his wife, QueenChyna, just one day after winning it.
Pictured: Cuckoldery, or something more sinister?
On the open market, these weapons would go for an estimated $15 billion, so if anything untoward is going on here, you can be sure that the authorities will put a stop to it. But if this handover is legitimate, it appears Lohzean's wife is planning to sell the P90's, as according to this post, she plans to buy a Logistics Company with the proceeds.
ONE LOOK, COULD KILL
BACK AND FORTH
If you've spent the past couple of weeks blinking - and if you haven't, what's wrong with your eyes you freak - you may have missed the news that Dekloren was allowed back into Subversive Alliance, only to leave the faction once he'd completed his 1,000 days honor. I have been told that SA leader Midknight was unaware that Dek would leave once he had achieved his goal, but I have been unable to substantiate these claims.
What I do know is that Dekloren is now a member of 39th Street Healers. Good luck to anyone asking him for a revive!
Pictured: Don't worry, amputation is what we always prescribe for a head cold.
ONE RED PAPERCLIP
In our previous Local News, we covered the story of how Andfromthen was following the One Red Paperclip method of building up from a cheap item to a valuable one through means of continuous trades. Andfromthen has since traded up to a SYM block of shares, having got there via a Ranch, which they previously traded up to from a Feathery Hotel Coupon.
Apparently, our offer of a DP for the FHC was not enough to persuade him to trade, as Andfromthen accepted the item without putting it on his little list. FINE, WHATEVER. But we weren't the only ones annoyed with this player, as h3110 got in touch with us to claim he stole his idea - even though the whole thing is based on an existing real-life concept.
"Hey I just read the newspaper and I'm kind of mad. Andfromthen copied the idea from me. I traded up to 3 castles and 2 ranches so... It was in one big trade. I think that one was like a skate board for them or something. Oh it was 36 FHCs and 5 drug packs to the castles and ranches."
H3110's run from a brick to three Castles and two Ranches is mightily impressive. But can you beat this? Get in touch with the TCT and let us know.
HOW TO GET OUT OF CHAINING
Pictured: A meme sent to us by a player whose name we've forgotten.
NEVER MAKE JOKES
In our previous Local News roundup, we pointed out that Chedburn had a new profile picture designed by a player called FreelanceT. We then joked that his next commission would be a series of tasteful nudes involving Leslie and a fresh pineapple with the core removed.
Sadly, FreelanceT was more than happy to oblige.
Pictured: Staring at the picture is a great way to lose weight.
TORN MEDICAL TO PAYOUT AGAIN?
Further evidence of Torn Medical's involvement in a revive extortion scheme has come to light this week. In case you don't recall, NS quarantined several countries in early May, and made a secret agreement with the leaders of TM that any revives made in these nations would be subjected to a $1 million per-head tariff.
Torn Medical's players were furious at Headjob for agreeing to such an arrangement, and many simply refused to pay Natural Selection for the privilege of reviving. However, it looks like Headjob is planning a repeat performance, as a recent faction mailout to TM's members requested feedback ahead of next year's event.
"Hey all! this Is Just a reminder to complete the NS-event survey, your opinion will help us decide whether we participate in it or not next year, you can access the survey here . If you've already done the survey or were not in TM during the event you can ignore this message. P.S. please do not share any contract information with anyone outside of Torn Medical. P.P.S In regards to the article written about TM in Surgarvavles "Local News May", TM will not be responding."
PROFESSIONAL LOSERS
While some people dream of making it onto the top ten prize money leaderboards in the Casino, the members of Safe Haven had a different goal altogether - they wanted to be the very best worst Blackjack players. Their aim was to take up the entire top ten on the leaderboard for the longest losing streaks at Blackjack. And guess what? They succeeded.
Well done you bunch of magnificent losers.
URT ANNOUNCEMENT IMMINENT
The URT Summer event has a provisional schedule pencilled in, with the dates and format to be confirmed within the next week or two. Once more we will be asking for help with stewarding these races. If you are interested, please contact Sugarvalves today.
TELL YOUR STORY
If you have some saucy gossip to share, an insight to offer, or you'd just like to receive a Donator Pack in return for ratting out your faction boss, then please contact Sugarvalves today. You can message him privately via his inbox, or you can submit content for consideration via our Tell Your Story feature. Please remember to state whether you would like to be anonymous in your correspondence. The Torn City Times accepts no responsibility for your safety if you forget to do so, dumbass.
One Punch, the 39th ranked HoF faction in Torn, is to be rebranded as Subversive Alliance 2 according to a faction newsletter leaked to the Torn City Times. One Punch has always been close to SA and has been considered their sister faction for some time now. However, this move is by no means a simple formalising of their alliance, as with the rebrand comes the departure of OP's leader King_David. Miro and Midknight have occupied the hotseat over the past few days, with Mysteria set as the current leader for the time being.
This blurry link confirms that the news of the rebrand was released to One Punch's members late last week - it is very blurry, I am sorry. We do not yet know how much, if anything, Subversive Alliance have paid to purchase One Punch, but according to Penicillin, this isn't the first time they've attempted to acquire the faction.
In a forum post speculating over Midknights future, Penicillin claimed that SA tried to buy OP last year, only to back off when they realised they were a stolen faction. It is alleged that The_Healer was the original owner of One Punch, only for Midknight and King_David to take it from him without compensation. A thread detailing these accusations can be found here.
NEW PLAYER STARTER PACK
If you're a new player in Torn who is under 75 days old, then you may qualify for a free starter pack of items courtesy of Kelsie. Her Newbie Starter Giveaway began in February, and since then this generous soul has given out collections of armor, weaponry, drugs and miscellaneous items to a plethora of new players who have responded to her thread. How bloody nice of her.
All you have to do to apply is reply to her post with a paragraph explaining who you are and what you hope to achieve in Torn City. And if Kelsie decides that you qualify, a shipment of useful items will be sent to you in due course. The Torn City Times will be making a donation of items to Kelsie to ensure this worthwhile initiative can continue for the foreseeable future.
AN IMPORTANT QUESTION
Arisito has a question they'd like to ask. Feel free to inundate them with your responses.
MEDICARE QUITS THE REVIVE GAME
One of Torn's leading revive factions, Medicare, has transitioned into a chaining faction called Waste Management, causing many leading members to leave and form their own outfit, FC Resurrectors. It has been alleged that there was no notice given ahead of this move, with Medicare's members led to believe that co-leader JohnnyGreed would be installed as leader just two days before the change occurred.
This obviously never happened, and a newsletter sent out by JohnnyGreed sums up the feeling within their camp. Stretch, the leader of Medicare's parent faction NS, told The Times that JohnnyGreed was never promised leadership, and he only took charge due to the previous leader going missing for a month. Stretch says the reason for this rebrand was that Medicare simply wasn't working out for them as an inhouse revive faction.
"There are some amazing revive factions around Torn and they do a much better job. Having reviewed some stats of Medicare's in terms of reviving, the median number of total revives in faction was 140, while the bottom 20 members had 0 revives. It was decided that it was in our best interest to let the pros continue doing what they do best in terms of reviving, so we transitioned away from the reviving structure there."
JohnnyGreed is now FC R's co-leader, alongside Piff, who leads this new revive faction. Meanwhile, Waste Management is led by CRLF, who informed their members that those who wanted to remain a reviver could join Emergency Room or their subfactions. He added that Medicare's revivers could move over as a group if they wished, that deposited items and cash would be returned, and that anyone could stay to achieve their days-in-faction award if desired.
Nevertheless, many Medicare members decided to move on, and at the time of writing, FC Resurrectors has managed to build a reviving faction of 90 members. But do they have the discipline to operate as an independent revive faction, or was Stretch's assessment of their abilities correct? We shall see.
SCAMMER ALERT
A player called Evetine contacted The Times to tell us how they scammed a new player out of $1 billion. It is possible that this admission was meant for Torn's monthly confessional article, but since there was no indication of this - you are supposed to use the title "CONFESS" in your message - the TCT feels obliged to share this scammer's deeds with the rest of the community. Have at em, Tornians.
HIGH-VALUE ITEMS TO BE RENTED
Last week, several Torn players got their hands on some ultra-rare and powerful items, as the winners of the Lucky Dip, Photography and Illustration competitions were announced via the newspaper. As usual, some curmudgeonly bastards complained that those who hadn't taken twelve Xanax a second for the duration of all time were somehow unworthy of owning an imaginary gun, as they would never be shared or used properly by such a pathetic wretch.
Thankfully, their whiney little outbursts have proven inaccurate. MuddBaal, the sub-100 day player who won the Neutrilux 2000, will soon be offering this powerful and desirable weapon for rental via his faction.
"The pleasure of renting this badboy through my faction TNL (The Next Level) will soon be available to those wishing to rain down a hailstorm of bullets on unfortunate victims all in the name of sweet merit satisfaction. The price for doing so has yet to be determined."
Likewise, LuluCthulhu plans to rent out her set of Dual Bushmasters via KMA's faction armory, but not before she's personalised them a little.
"The Dual Bushmasters, with their sexy name, are something every girl dreams of owning. Personally, I've opted to mod them into a fantastic boob weapon of death, as Torn is severely lacking in Boob Weaponry."
Pictured: Dual Boobmasters, coming soon? Make it happen Mr Chedburn.
Lpdinger nabbed a pair of Dual Axes from the Lucky Dip, and proceeded to sell them for $1.2 billion to LordAyo, with the proceeds used to buy a private island - Lpdinger added that Reallistassasin unsuccessfully tried to scam him out of these items before he sold them. Meanwhile, Judge_McGuire has placed the Dunkins Donut in their display case, with no plans to sell the item despite its estimated $2.5 billion valuation.
Elsewhere, Tanksnr wants to sell their Burmese Flag to pay for training but is waiting for a safe opportunity to do so; Madame_Tussaud has stashed her Education Coin inside her already impressive display case; Rig has put his $2.5 billion-rated Snowflake up for auction under the Very Rare category, and Zoo also plans to auction off his Mystery Sphere at some point soon, conceding he isn't strong or rich enough to start collecting rare items yet.
The fate of Chohivzla's Sports Sneakers is as yet unknown. While this young player has been inundated with offers already, including properties, objects, shares and hard cash, Chohivzla hasn't decided what she will do with her $12 billion-valued shoes, which give 5% gains to your gym speed gains. Unfortunately, these items aren't loanable like weapons are, but this might change soon if Mightygoober gets his way.
LaPetiteMort has not yet revealed what she plans to do with her Locked Teddy either. However, the real intrigue surrounds Lohzean's acquisition and swift disposal of a pair of P90's. This 500-day-old player hasn't responded to our questions as yet, and there are many for him to answer, given that his networth shows he gave away his valuable prize to his wife, QueenChyna, just one day after winning it.
Pictured: Cuckoldery, or something more sinister?
On the open market, these weapons would go for an estimated $15 billion, so if anything untoward is going on here, you can be sure that the authorities will put a stop to it. But if this handover is legitimate, it appears Lohzean's wife is planning to sell the P90's, as according to this post, she plans to buy a Logistics Company with the proceeds.
ONE LOOK, COULD KILL
BACK AND FORTH
If you've spent the past couple of weeks blinking - and if you haven't, what's wrong with your eyes you freak - you may have missed the news that Dekloren was allowed back into Subversive Alliance, only to leave the faction once he'd completed his 1,000 days honor. I have been told that SA leader Midknight was unaware that Dek would leave once he had achieved his goal, but I have been unable to substantiate these claims.
What I do know is that Dekloren is now a member of 39th Street Healers. Good luck to anyone asking him for a revive!
Pictured: Don't worry, amputation is what we always prescribe for a head cold.
ONE RED PAPERCLIP
In our previous Local News, we covered the story of how Andfromthen was following the One Red Paperclip method of building up from a cheap item to a valuable one through means of continuous trades. Andfromthen has since traded up to a SYM block of shares, having got there via a Ranch, which they previously traded up to from a Feathery Hotel Coupon.
Apparently, our offer of a DP for the FHC was not enough to persuade him to trade, as Andfromthen accepted the item without putting it on his little list. FINE, WHATEVER. But we weren't the only ones annoyed with this player, as h3110 got in touch with us to claim he stole his idea - even though the whole thing is based on an existing real-life concept.
"Hey I just read the newspaper and I'm kind of mad. Andfromthen copied the idea from me. I traded up to 3 castles and 2 ranches so... It was in one big trade. I think that one was like a skate board for them or something. Oh it was 36 FHCs and 5 drug packs to the castles and ranches."
H3110's run from a brick to three Castles and two Ranches is mightily impressive. But can you beat this? Get in touch with the TCT and let us know.
HOW TO GET OUT OF CHAINING
Pictured: A meme sent to us by a player whose name we've forgotten.
NEVER MAKE JOKES
In our previous Local News roundup, we pointed out that Chedburn had a new profile picture designed by a player called FreelanceT. We then joked that his next commission would be a series of tasteful nudes involving Leslie and a fresh pineapple with the core removed.
Sadly, FreelanceT was more than happy to oblige.
Pictured: Staring at the picture is a great way to lose weight.
TORN MEDICAL TO PAYOUT AGAIN?
Further evidence of Torn Medical's involvement in a revive extortion scheme has come to light this week. In case you don't recall, NS quarantined several countries in early May, and made a secret agreement with the leaders of TM that any revives made in these nations would be subjected to a $1 million per-head tariff.
Torn Medical's players were furious at Headjob for agreeing to such an arrangement, and many simply refused to pay Natural Selection for the privilege of reviving. However, it looks like Headjob is planning a repeat performance, as a recent faction mailout to TM's members requested feedback ahead of next year's event.
"Hey all! this Is Just a reminder to complete the NS-event survey, your opinion will help us decide whether we participate in it or not next year, you can access the survey here . If you've already done the survey or were not in TM during the event you can ignore this message. P.S. please do not share any contract information with anyone outside of Torn Medical. P.P.S In regards to the article written about TM in Surgarvavles "Local News May", TM will not be responding."
PROFESSIONAL LOSERS
While some people dream of making it onto the top ten prize money leaderboards in the Casino, the members of Safe Haven had a different goal altogether - they wanted to be the very best worst Blackjack players. Their aim was to take up the entire top ten on the leaderboard for the longest losing streaks at Blackjack. And guess what? They succeeded.
Well done you bunch of magnificent losers.
URT ANNOUNCEMENT IMMINENT
The URT Summer event has a provisional schedule pencilled in, with the dates and format to be confirmed within the next week or two. Once more we will be asking for help with stewarding these races. If you are interested, please contact Sugarvalves today.
TELL YOUR STORY
If you have some saucy gossip to share, an insight to offer, or you'd just like to receive a Donator Pack in return for ratting out your faction boss, then please contact Sugarvalves today. You can message him privately via his inbox, or you can submit content for consideration via our Tell Your Story feature. Please remember to state whether you would like to be anonymous in your correspondence. The Torn City Times accepts no responsibility for your safety if you forget to do so, dumbass.
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