sugarvalves [1963573] —
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Read our latest confessional column in order to learn how a thief should repent, what despicable lust would drive a father to betray his son, and why you may be unaware of the true nature of your sin.
They say let he who is without sin cast the first stone, and yet each and every morning I am able to skim rocks on the lake without restriction, occasionally hitting a duck or two. Maketh of that what you will. I do not profess to have never sinned - the opposite, in fact. Your beloved Pastor Williams has sinned a great deal, which makes me something of an expert in sinnery, and therefore the most capable of passing judgement upon my flock.
The Pastor's Response
"You have less honour than a piece of s**t" - Alison Goodman
There is little I can add to this confession, for it speaks for itself with horrible clarity. To kick a man when he is down is one thing, but to rifle through his pockets, flirt with his wife, and molest the family dog while he lays stricken is something else altogether. Your punishment is to return the company to the individual forthwith and offer to work for free until such time as your victim deems you to have compensated them sufficiently. Then you must smear yourself in excrement and enter the Mr / Ms Torn competition with a dirty selfie, according to whichever gender you identify as.
Go and play in traffic, my despicable child.
The Pastor's Response
"Drunkenness is nothing but involuntary madness." - Seneca The Younger
Mother's Ruin is but one name used for alcohol. Others include The Devil's Juice, Liquid Bread, Daddy's Hot Medicine, The Sauce, The Gravy, The Absence of Mashed Potatoes, Liver-Worst, and Dutch Courage. The last one gives insight into the reason for your crime, my perpetually pissed-up son. For you see, while the demon drink does indeed drive you mad, it also gives you the backbone to act as you wish you always could. To achieve sobriety, you must make changes to your life which will give you happiness without getting s**tfaced. Purchase as much alcohol as you can from the Item Market, then donate it to your present faction. You may not touch a single drop yourself.
Enjoy sobriety, my soon-to-be dry child.
The Pastor's Response
"It's discouraging to think how many people are shocked by honesty and how few by deceit." - Noel Coward
This entry was truncated, as while I do enjoy your confessions, some of you would waffle on for days if you could. Our lost soul revealed that they have been forced to adopt a new identity due to their old ways, and fear a relapse will lead to their outing and death. To restore your reputation, I believe you should continue to scam your fellow Tornstars, before repaying their cash and items to them after each and every incident. Provide them with a warning that men like you exist, and you'll soon be seen as a saviour, rather than a scammer. This is basically what Jesus did. Did you know that Christ, our sweet, wafer-like saviour, actually set up the original multi-level marketing scheme?
Be helpful, my deceitful child.
The Pastor's Response
"Do unto others as you would have them do to you." - Matthew 7:12 - The Bible.
The Pastor was initially confused by this confession, as you felt compelled to clarify that you were talking about "your real-life son", as if you may also have a digital son. As thrilling as the prospect of online fornication may be, cyber procreation is sadly but a pipe dream for us childless folk. But seeing as you betrayed your actual human son, it is only fair that you confess your sin to him, before requesting that he do the same. For while sons should not bear the iniquity of their fathers, they do often follow in their errant footsteps.
Be fatherly, my adult child.
The Pastor's Response
"Am I my brother's keeper?" - The Bible
If one were to read between the lines of this confession, one could discern a very different conclusion than the obvious. You may feel I should focus on the fact that this individual was a failure in Torn, and had to find a way to cheat their way to success. However, given that their final lament was "he never logged in again", it appears our sinner is more distressed over their brother's absence in Torn - I imagine they regret using their kin in such a disposable manner. To remedy the situation, suggest that your brother returns to Torn, so that you may work together on a project of dual benefit. Brothers who slay together, pray together.
Be generous, my enemy-laden child.
HEATHENS EXPOSED
As ever, we have had many faux-sinners contact The Church in hope of receiving a Donator Pack. Their confessions are as pathetic and unbelievable as ever. Gaze upon their wretched desperation and mock them.
"I like to go to Mauk's profile and play with the DocTorn ribbons when I'm bored." - Yowzer
"My faction leader has an odd affinity to trout. I play along with it but deep down I'm not a fan of trout I'm more of a sea bass person. But I don't complain or get upset when the faction chat is full of hitting people with trout or turning the trout into a suppository. I just play along and accept my leader and factions trout obsession no matter how sexual it gets at time." - Gladear
"To whom it may concern: The confession of Sir Sylver. This is a two-parter, so bear with me."
"1.) I am a serial killer. I carry the sole responsibility of bullying and forcing at least 8 players to give up and quit. I have torn two factions asunder with mere words. I have shown glee over the lamentations of my screwed business partners, and I did it all in the name of pride. I am a very evil man."
"2.) I am a liar that can’t even misbehave enough to commit true atrocities, and so I make up cringe to waste peoples time. That’s right, I never did any of that stuff. Truth is, I’m boring. Thank you for listening." - Sylver86
CONFESS YOUR SINS
If you wish to anonymously confess a genuine sin, or publicly confess a stupid fake one, you may send your confessions into the Torn City Times via the Tell Your Story feature. If your confession is especially scandalous and you wish for full anonymity, you should send your confession to Sugarvalves.
The Pastor's Response
"You have less honour than a piece of s**t" - Alison Goodman
There is little I can add to this confession, for it speaks for itself with horrible clarity. To kick a man when he is down is one thing, but to rifle through his pockets, flirt with his wife, and molest the family dog while he lays stricken is something else altogether. Your punishment is to return the company to the individual forthwith and offer to work for free until such time as your victim deems you to have compensated them sufficiently. Then you must smear yourself in excrement and enter the Mr / Ms Torn competition with a dirty selfie, according to whichever gender you identify as.
Go and play in traffic, my despicable child.
The Pastor's Response
"Drunkenness is nothing but involuntary madness." - Seneca The Younger
Mother's Ruin is but one name used for alcohol. Others include The Devil's Juice, Liquid Bread, Daddy's Hot Medicine, The Sauce, The Gravy, The Absence of Mashed Potatoes, Liver-Worst, and Dutch Courage. The last one gives insight into the reason for your crime, my perpetually pissed-up son. For you see, while the demon drink does indeed drive you mad, it also gives you the backbone to act as you wish you always could. To achieve sobriety, you must make changes to your life which will give you happiness without getting s**tfaced. Purchase as much alcohol as you can from the Item Market, then donate it to your present faction. You may not touch a single drop yourself.
Enjoy sobriety, my soon-to-be dry child.
The Pastor's Response
"It's discouraging to think how many people are shocked by honesty and how few by deceit." - Noel Coward
This entry was truncated, as while I do enjoy your confessions, some of you would waffle on for days if you could. Our lost soul revealed that they have been forced to adopt a new identity due to their old ways, and fear a relapse will lead to their outing and death. To restore your reputation, I believe you should continue to scam your fellow Tornstars, before repaying their cash and items to them after each and every incident. Provide them with a warning that men like you exist, and you'll soon be seen as a saviour, rather than a scammer. This is basically what Jesus did. Did you know that Christ, our sweet, wafer-like saviour, actually set up the original multi-level marketing scheme?
Be helpful, my deceitful child.
The Pastor's Response
"Do unto others as you would have them do to you." - Matthew 7:12 - The Bible.
The Pastor was initially confused by this confession, as you felt compelled to clarify that you were talking about "your real-life son", as if you may also have a digital son. As thrilling as the prospect of online fornication may be, cyber procreation is sadly but a pipe dream for us childless folk. But seeing as you betrayed your actual human son, it is only fair that you confess your sin to him, before requesting that he do the same. For while sons should not bear the iniquity of their fathers, they do often follow in their errant footsteps.
Be fatherly, my adult child.
The Pastor's Response
"Am I my brother's keeper?" - The Bible
If one were to read between the lines of this confession, one could discern a very different conclusion than the obvious. You may feel I should focus on the fact that this individual was a failure in Torn, and had to find a way to cheat their way to success. However, given that their final lament was "he never logged in again", it appears our sinner is more distressed over their brother's absence in Torn - I imagine they regret using their kin in such a disposable manner. To remedy the situation, suggest that your brother returns to Torn, so that you may work together on a project of dual benefit. Brothers who slay together, pray together.
Be generous, my enemy-laden child.
HEATHENS EXPOSED
As ever, we have had many faux-sinners contact The Church in hope of receiving a Donator Pack. Their confessions are as pathetic and unbelievable as ever. Gaze upon their wretched desperation and mock them.
"I like to go to Mauk's profile and play with the DocTorn ribbons when I'm bored." - Yowzer
"My faction leader has an odd affinity to trout. I play along with it but deep down I'm not a fan of trout I'm more of a sea bass person. But I don't complain or get upset when the faction chat is full of hitting people with trout or turning the trout into a suppository. I just play along and accept my leader and factions trout obsession no matter how sexual it gets at time." - Gladear
"To whom it may concern: The confession of Sir Sylver. This is a two-parter, so bear with me."
"1.) I am a serial killer. I carry the sole responsibility of bullying and forcing at least 8 players to give up and quit. I have torn two factions asunder with mere words. I have shown glee over the lamentations of my screwed business partners, and I did it all in the name of pride. I am a very evil man."
"2.) I am a liar that can’t even misbehave enough to commit true atrocities, and so I make up cringe to waste peoples time. That’s right, I never did any of that stuff. Truth is, I’m boring. Thank you for listening." - Sylver86
CONFESS YOUR SINS
If you wish to anonymously confess a genuine sin, or publicly confess a stupid fake one, you may send your confessions into the Torn City Times via the Tell Your Story feature. If your confession is especially scandalous and you wish for full anonymity, you should send your confession to Sugarvalves.
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