sugarvalves [1963573] —
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Crucifier, CONFESS! Chain-breaker, CONFESS! Self-loather, CONFESS! Gambler, CONFESS! Fraudster, CONFESS! Future vault thief, CONFESS! Pastor Williams confers wisdom upon yet another punnet of sinners.
Before we begin the healing of our herd, this month I must give praise to you all for resisting the temptation to flood my letterbox with false divulgence. This is the first and thus far only occasion where my confessional column lays unstained with untruths and lies, as you will see by the lack of exposed sinners at its cessation. I thank our city's many fools - for they are so numerous - for finally bestowing my work with the respect it deserves.
And now, let us hear from the filth, the worst of the worst, those for whom stepping in canine excreta only makes them more reputable.
The Pastor's Response
Laugh at others today, tomorrow others will laugh at you." - Vietnamese Proverb
To hospitalize another for your own benefit is no sin - this is how it is, was, and always must be here in Torn City. Your true sin is to laugh at the misfortune of others. The Germans have a word for this: Schadenfreude. They also have a word for your punishment: Backpfeifengesicht. Look it up, for this is what you must endure ten times a day until you are no longer so humored by your own doings.
Be well, my soon to be rosy-cheeked child.
The Pastor's Response
There is no such thing as accident; it is fate misnamed." - Napoleon Bonaparte
My suspicion is that this was no accident. While you may have innocently forgotten the true power of a horse's head, the lack of respect for your leader is plain for all to see. Alas, I have no evidence to back up my suspicion, ergo I must flagellate myself into a fine pulp using a belt I bought from the Gas Station that no longer fits me. Your punishment is to suffer the same fate as your leader: Embarrassment. You ended your confession with FML, as if it were your life that was, how you say, f**ked. I insist you must now FYL, by sending yourself a horse's head during the next faction chain, and opening it, thus making you appear to be an incompetent boob in the eyes of your factionmates.
Sleep soundly, my subversive child.
The Pastor's Response
"I would rather die of passion than of boredom." - Vincent Van Gogh.
I am most confused by this confession, for it appears our confessor believes that doing something one clearly enjoys is an errant act. If you experienced joy while waiting for your blessed beloved Torn to return, then this is a behaviour most unworthy of punishment. Time enjoyed is not time wasted. The only punishment I would bestow is to refrain from metaphorically beating one's self up (or off) over the way one chooses to relax. If I were made to feel guilty about how I spend my free time, I'd be forced to give up sharing anti-vaccination memes on Facebook just to troll idiots in the comments.
Be less hard on yourself, my self-loathing child.
The Pastor's Response
"Money won is twice as sweet as money earned." - Eddie Felson, played by Paul Newman in The Color of Money.
You may think it odd that a man of the cloths (I own several) is actively engaged in the promotion of a vice. You may then start to ponder whether this attitude is in any way affected by the copious amounts of cash funnelled into the Church by the Torn City Casino. To those who would think such things, I declare you guilty of the sin of heresy, and your punishment is to spend $10 million at the Casino forthwith. To our anonymous confessor, I suggest that you improve your abilities at the Torn Bookies by gambling real-life money at your local establishment instead. When you inevitably lose thousands of real-life dollars, pounds or pesos, your Torn habit will miraculously cure itself overnight.
Good luck, my soon to be destitute child.
The Pastor's Response
"You cannot hold your head high with your hand out." - Ancient Proverb
The act of claiming false penury is a grave sin, for such behaviour is often used to make false judgement against those who are genuinely "broke af", to use the parlance of the age. Your crime is not merely to deceive your generous benefactors, but also to quite literally take food from the mouths of orphans. When I send the collection plate around during our Sunday Service, I am upfront about my needs as a Pastor - those mink lined latrines are a constant burden which need frequent cleaning. It is therefore only appropriate that you donate $4 million to the Church, followed by a further $4 million each to ten needy strangers in Global Chat.
Be generous, my fraudulent child.
The Pastor's Response
"Insurrection of thought always precedes insurrection of arms." - Wendell Phillips.
The Pastor has noticed a worrying trend in Torn's faction community lately. When a member of a certain group feels unwanted or unheard, they often proceed to clear the faction's vault of its items a few weeks later. I fear you are on a similar path, my anonymous confessor, so it is your responsibility to raise the issues of which you speak before you act to punish your factionmates. I insist that you find out who among your comrades is like-minded, and approach the issue as a unified force, rather than one irate individual. You must also donate items and cash to your faction at once, as penalty for your subversive acts against your own kind.
Be loyal, my imminently infamous child.
CONFESS YOUR SINS
I, Pastor Williams, treat each genuine confession with compassion, confidence, and a compress of chamomile. If you wish to confess a sin in order to absolve yourself of guilt, you may do so via the newspaper's Tell Your Story feature. Ensure your message is appropriately titled, and if I deem your sin worthy of inclusion in my next column, a Donator Pack and the good grace of the Lord will soon be on its way to you.
And now, let us hear from the filth, the worst of the worst, those for whom stepping in canine excreta only makes them more reputable.
The Pastor's Response
Laugh at others today, tomorrow others will laugh at you." - Vietnamese Proverb
To hospitalize another for your own benefit is no sin - this is how it is, was, and always must be here in Torn City. Your true sin is to laugh at the misfortune of others. The Germans have a word for this: Schadenfreude. They also have a word for your punishment: Backpfeifengesicht. Look it up, for this is what you must endure ten times a day until you are no longer so humored by your own doings.
Be well, my soon to be rosy-cheeked child.
The Pastor's Response
There is no such thing as accident; it is fate misnamed." - Napoleon Bonaparte
My suspicion is that this was no accident. While you may have innocently forgotten the true power of a horse's head, the lack of respect for your leader is plain for all to see. Alas, I have no evidence to back up my suspicion, ergo I must flagellate myself into a fine pulp using a belt I bought from the Gas Station that no longer fits me. Your punishment is to suffer the same fate as your leader: Embarrassment. You ended your confession with FML, as if it were your life that was, how you say, f**ked. I insist you must now FYL, by sending yourself a horse's head during the next faction chain, and opening it, thus making you appear to be an incompetent boob in the eyes of your factionmates.
Sleep soundly, my subversive child.
The Pastor's Response
"I would rather die of passion than of boredom." - Vincent Van Gogh.
I am most confused by this confession, for it appears our confessor believes that doing something one clearly enjoys is an errant act. If you experienced joy while waiting for your blessed beloved Torn to return, then this is a behaviour most unworthy of punishment. Time enjoyed is not time wasted. The only punishment I would bestow is to refrain from metaphorically beating one's self up (or off) over the way one chooses to relax. If I were made to feel guilty about how I spend my free time, I'd be forced to give up sharing anti-vaccination memes on Facebook just to troll idiots in the comments.
Be less hard on yourself, my self-loathing child.
The Pastor's Response
"Money won is twice as sweet as money earned." - Eddie Felson, played by Paul Newman in The Color of Money.
You may think it odd that a man of the cloths (I own several) is actively engaged in the promotion of a vice. You may then start to ponder whether this attitude is in any way affected by the copious amounts of cash funnelled into the Church by the Torn City Casino. To those who would think such things, I declare you guilty of the sin of heresy, and your punishment is to spend $10 million at the Casino forthwith. To our anonymous confessor, I suggest that you improve your abilities at the Torn Bookies by gambling real-life money at your local establishment instead. When you inevitably lose thousands of real-life dollars, pounds or pesos, your Torn habit will miraculously cure itself overnight.
Good luck, my soon to be destitute child.
The Pastor's Response
"You cannot hold your head high with your hand out." - Ancient Proverb
The act of claiming false penury is a grave sin, for such behaviour is often used to make false judgement against those who are genuinely "broke af", to use the parlance of the age. Your crime is not merely to deceive your generous benefactors, but also to quite literally take food from the mouths of orphans. When I send the collection plate around during our Sunday Service, I am upfront about my needs as a Pastor - those mink lined latrines are a constant burden which need frequent cleaning. It is therefore only appropriate that you donate $4 million to the Church, followed by a further $4 million each to ten needy strangers in Global Chat.
Be generous, my fraudulent child.
The Pastor's Response
"Insurrection of thought always precedes insurrection of arms." - Wendell Phillips.
The Pastor has noticed a worrying trend in Torn's faction community lately. When a member of a certain group feels unwanted or unheard, they often proceed to clear the faction's vault of its items a few weeks later. I fear you are on a similar path, my anonymous confessor, so it is your responsibility to raise the issues of which you speak before you act to punish your factionmates. I insist that you find out who among your comrades is like-minded, and approach the issue as a unified force, rather than one irate individual. You must also donate items and cash to your faction at once, as penalty for your subversive acts against your own kind.
Be loyal, my imminently infamous child.
CONFESS YOUR SINS
I, Pastor Williams, treat each genuine confession with compassion, confidence, and a compress of chamomile. If you wish to confess a sin in order to absolve yourself of guilt, you may do so via the newspaper's Tell Your Story feature. Ensure your message is appropriately titled, and if I deem your sin worthy of inclusion in my next column, a Donator Pack and the good grace of the Lord will soon be on its way to you.
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