sugarvalves [1963573] —
Original article
Peasants oppressed. Pandemic cured. Toothpaste emptied. Vikings slain. Bankers Totalled. Elimination final six revealed, along with all the latest gossip and intrigue with just a few days left to go.
We are now down to the final six teams in Elimination 2020. Let's find out who done what, why they gone and done it, and how many sh**ty puns I can fit into one article as we round up the latest happenings in the Elimination Competition.
PEASANTS AND PANDEMIC PUNISHED
Elimination proceeded as expected after our most recent article, with the Peasants dropping out in the early hours of the 15th. When the poor needed aid, Torn looked away anxiously and whispered "sorry mate, I haven't got any change."
But the paupers' defeat was not as simple as one might imagine, according to one of their members, who wanted to clear up the situation regarding their Discord deletion and subsequent early exit.
"The person who created it deleted it early, before any substantial lives were lost, without warning or approval. This threw off numerous red flags and understandably so, but I didn't want everyone to think we were mailing it in and giving up. Wasn't the case whatsoever. Thanks a bunch! Hope this snippet makes it into the next article."
With the Peasants gone, there was to be no Pandemic at the Disco either, as the virulent infections were eliminated too just a few hours later. I don't know whether or not this team was made in a Chinese lab, but Pandemic's defeat was definitely engineered by their so-called allies, as we'll find out later.
CAVITIES DETECTED
Both the Peasants and Pandemic were members of the 8 team alliance which faced off against Dirty Sexy Money. Before long, it was clear that another member of this allegiance would fall by the wayside. Who would it be? We would discover this soon enough.
But first, the six-way alliance decided to focus their attention on removing Total Bankers from the competition, with multiple teams hammering them towards what seemed to be imminent insolvency. Yet despite all their woes, the Bankers' leader MeanMike was bullish about his side's chances.
Steven Seagal reportedly pooped himself when he was choked out on the set of Out For Justice, but would Total Bankers do the same? MeanMike believed that they could still survive if one or more of the rival alliance could be seduced. At this point, with nine teams left, the alliances on both sides were still clear, with Total Bankers, Victorious Secret and Sea Men facing off against Karma Farmers, Terror Bytes, Murder Hornets, Seal Team Six, Vikings and Toothpaste.
The situation changed when MeanMike's silver tongue unfurled from his mouth and awaited a squirt of Toothpaste - I am very sorry for that horrific mental image.
MeanMike convinced Toothpaste to change their allegiance - something they've now done five times during the competition - but their decision had major consequences. An overnight onslaught against the dentist's favourite saw all traces of Toothpaste spat down the sink at 4pm on the 17th. Some people tried rolling themselves up to see if there were any lives left in the tube, but there were not.
Meanwhile, Total Bankers avoided bankruptcy, as their run of life losses was briefly stemmed thanks to the newly-reduced five-team alliance turning their attention towards Toothpaste. MeanMike of Total Bankers still wasn't happy.
"Sadly, my plan for us to take out the Vikings and tie this thing up 4-4 where we could run the table hit a snag when they [Toothpaste] completely gave up on fighting back. We have 30 lives... we aren't gonna win regardless, but... We can get a top 4 finish if we had a dance partner" - MeanMike
Members of Toothpaste described their last-ditch switch as a hail mary attempt, and we've heard that many of the cavity-preventers could only guess as to their allegiances due to a lack of transparency from Toothpaste leadership. Bodowntown of Toothpaste confirmed that their allies were not revealed during the competition, and this meant he accidentally hit Seal Team Six when they were friendly.
He didn't feel too bad about this when he found out they were helping the Heavyweights, however, and made the following image to sum up his feelings.
VIKING INVASION REPELLED
The next team to fall was the Vikings. Aside from a brief period on Wednesday, this vicious band of seafaring pillagers had lost lives consistently for most of the past week. When Toothpaste were being squeezed and MeanMike's efforts looked like they were in vain, the Total Bankers then made an offer to the Vikings to switch sides. Shortly after this offer was presented, the Vikings Discord was given the chance to vote whether or not to betray their allies.
Total Bankers promised that this pact would've taken Vikings into the top four. I imagine they made a similar promise to Toothpaste, so you can't blame the Norsemen when they rejected MeanMike's offer by 65 votes to 34. The Vikings' final life was lost at 1.30am on the 18th, and their corpses were summarily loaded onto a boat and set ablaze, with the indiscriminate fire of glory cleansing the Scandinavians of their sins.
It may have been their sins of their leaders which cost Vikings a place at the top table, though, as their leaders had already played both sides early on in the competition before committing to their current alliance. Perhaps this is why their allies failed to come to their aid at the death. A Viking pledge of allegiance to any team would surely have been taken with a dose of salted herring, so perhaps a pact with Total Bankers was the only way the Scandis could have made top four. We will never know.
"[We rejected it] because we want to be honourable to our alliance. We did just get offered 4th place but true to our Viking creed with Odin's blessing we will go to Valhalla taking Toothpaste with us and as many of Total Bankers lives as we can. Our team are amazing and we will fight to the last life." - Anonymous Viking
The members of Vikings may have voted with honour and stayed true to their main alliance, but I have evidence which suggests that some of their leaders did not act so gallantly. Discussions with Total Bankers' leadership took place long before the Viking warriors were allowed to vote on their future, with leader themainmain apparently willing to sell his soul for a sack of silver.
Earlier in the competition, themainman initially appeared adventurous and determined to land one of the top spots. He then lost this confidence for some reason and was willing to settle for the defeat of Dirty Sexy Money. Shortly after this article was published, themainman told The Times that the screenshots above represent an attempt to see how desperate MeanMike was to win. Given that the Vikings never accepted an offer from DSM, this may be true.
Nevertheless, many Vikings I've spoken to believe that the glory of the top three was never to be written into their lore anyway, due to poor leadership, and a distinct lack of solid alliances. While praise has been repeatedly sent in the direction of Whis and Mysteria, other Viking commanders have been accused by the rank and file of a lack of effort.
But in true Viking style, the Norsemen appear determined to live on long after their death. Despite their Elimination, I've heard reports that Viking warriors are continuing to serve their alliance by hospitalising offline Murder Hornets to prevent them being attacked by other teams. Their efforts are being encouraged by TerrorBytes leader Andyman, who seems to have the respect of Vikings members, with both sides jointly mocking the amount Total Bankers have spent to stay in the competition as long as they have.
If the Viking leaders wish to atone for their mistakes, they could do no better than to sail from Valhalla and bring the wrath of the Nordic gods to the door of their enemies. I wish them both luck and the blessings of Frigg, the most amusingly named Viking deity.
BANKERS BAILOUT
The Bankers have been low on lives for several days now, and I've had an obituary ready for them ever since the 16th when they dropped down to just 30. Okay, that isn't strictly true. I did delay this very article to wait until they were defeated, but time and time again, the money men have bailed themselves out. And unlike in real life, they haven't relied on taxpayers' money to do it.
While the Bankers were scrambling around for cash to tide them over, Karma Farmers and TerrorBytes gained a huge haul of tickets, with Murder Hornets dropping like flies, and both the Sea Men and Victorious Secret falling down to single figures too. Since the Vikings exit, the life losses have been mostly split between Murder Hornets and Total Bankers, with the latter very much holding their own despite all the attention.
Pictured: Bankers and Hornets haven't formed an alliance, but I wish they had, so I could've used this picture.
The Bankers dropped down to single figure lives at lunchtime on the 18th and looked set to exit the competition before the day was out. Victorious Secret's Kuro told The Times she was confident that Total Bankers would not be eliminated on Friday. She also hinted that "things are in the works", which implies a rejigging of the alliances may be on the cards.
While the Bankers were busy crunching the numbers and trying to figure out how to remain solvent, professional hand model Nova told me that his side were not only going to stay in the competition, but that they were still in with a shout of victory.
"If we pull this off. It will be a bigger win than what we did with Pink Power. At the end of the day, people can cry all they like about 'stacked teams.' But Pink Power actually was a stacked team, this is not. Team Bankers is just a regular team like any other, that has fought tooth and nail to stay in the competition, while having the other teams against us the entire way, with the exception of Sea Men and Victorious Secret."
"Only through the organisation of the leadership and the high spirits and work ethic held by the team have managed to see us through to where we are now. That's what it comes down to."
The Bankers did put up a good fight, but in the end, their secret agreement with Victorious Secret and Sea Men was their undoing. Total Bankers were eliminated at 18:15 today, while I was at the pub, which was actually quite selfish if you think about it. Before their exit, MeanMike told me he was proud of himself and his team and was determined to help his allies before they were defeated.
"I od'ed and am still 6th on my team in hits. On THIS team, that's something. Plus, the way VS and SM stood by us when things got bad, and even now the effort they're putting in our behalf."
MeanMike worked hard to find one last ally for Sea Men and Victorious Secret, while simultaneously doing enough damage on the way out to get both teams into the top three. But while Meatloaf would do anything for love, it appears there are limits as to how low MeanMike would go for his allies. Mightygoober from Seal Team Six reportedly offered Total Bankers a chance to switch alliances and stay in the competition...
"I instantly told goober to get stuffed.... I've told one lie in my years of playing this comp, I'll be damned if I'm gonna sell my soul to ... the mighty friggin goober"
While the Bankers were not willing to switch sides and betray Dirty Sexy Money, they did make a concerted effort to try and sway everyone else, with both their leaders and regular members slinging last-ditch offers made to all teams during the final day of the Bankers' campaign. Their offers were rejected by everyone.
So long, you Total Bankers. You fought bravely and lasted far longer than anyone imagined. Credit where a line of credit is due.
WHO'S NEXT?
Victorious Secret were targeting ST6 and Murder Hornets on Friday morning to try and keep Total Bankers in for as long as possible. Kuro said that she hoped the leaders of these teams made the right call before it's too late, which hints that VS may make an attempt to pull one of their targets over to their side before long.
Given the lack of respect for ST6 leader MightyGoober shown by various members of this alliance, Murder Hornets look to be the likeliest candidates for an offer out of the two. Whether or not they accept is another matter entirely. I suspect that if the Hornets' life total runs too low, they may be tempted to accept a move, as their so-called allies have reportedly been leeching too many tickets from the Hornets' nest.
"Allies took our tickets to stay ahead of bankers, bankers allies took their tickets, we hit bankers who were often at 0 tickets. Thus we had a pretty bad net loss that just ticked down. The bonus is that the people with tickets are our allies. Currently, I imagine they will happily throw us under the bridge.
Then again, a high-ranking member of ST6 suggested that their team had been guaranteed a top-three finish. This guarantee must've come from Karma Farmers and TerrorBytes, as we don't believe the rival alliance are interested in. But if Seal Team Six believe that their existing alliance will take them to the finish line, they are sadly mistaken.
I've been told that Karma Farmers, TerrorBytes, and Murder Hornets have had a long-standing pact to fix the top three between themselves since the beginning of the competition. This triumvirate of Terror-Farming Wasps never planned to include Peasants, Pandemic or Vikings in their plans for more than a few days, and the same apparently goes for Seal Team Six.
This would be quite an explosive revelation given the moral objection Karma Farmers raised to Dirty Sexy Money doing the same thing. So is it true? I believe it might be, because I choose to believe that, because it's delicious. Here is a post from KF's leader Hcom3 from earlier in the tournament which was sent to a member of Victorious Secret.
At this point, Total Bankers were still going strong, but on the surface, it looks like he considered Karma, Terror and Hornets to be a shoo-in for the final fight versus Total Bankers, Sea Men and Victorious Secret. Since this message was sent to a VS leader, Hcom3 was clearly trying to tempt them to switch sides, given that he felt his own alliance wasn't up to scratch. This offer was almost certainly rejected.
However, the Karma Farmers are one of several teams who have been involved with both major alliances, so they could flop either way as the competition draws to a close. We believe that KF will keep their alliance with TerrorBytes and go along with whoever looks strongest in the immediate aftermath of Total Bankers' elimination.
Alternatively, everyone might just decide to get rid of Seal Team Six and call it a draw.
SEAL TEAM D**KS
There is trouble brewing in ST6. They don't have many tickets, their leaders have secret motives, and as this next screenshot shows, there isn't much love for them among those who remain.
Penicillin is one of the Murder Hornets' leaders, and it is notable how MH and the Seals have not helped each other much during this tournament. Ever wonder why that is? Kuro from Victorious Secret told me that "Alliances aside.. every leader has expressed interest about turning on Goober solely because he's... Goober."
That comment seemed a little mean, until I saw the following screenshot, which indicates that MightyGoober is leading Seal Team Six to certain destruction out of a selfish desire to add to his own award collection.
MightyGoober has also been accused of selling his team out for $500m, but we have yet to verify this. What we can confirm is that fellow ST6 leader jonsnow holds the same disdain towards his own side. It appears that if Seal Team Six want to stand any chance of making the final three, they must do as the Committee did and absolve themselves of MightyGoober's presence.
Seal Team Six, you took down Bin Laden, you deserve more. I insist that each of you listen to your real commander, who goes by the name of Seal Henry Olusegun Olumide Adeola Samuel, and let the light hit the gloom on the grey. Otherwise, I fear this will be your fate.
SNIPPETS
Here are some small stories you may or may not find of interest. Don't blame me if you don't.
KARMA PAULICE
One member of the fallen Total Bankers, Paul, is no fan of the Karma Farmers.
KARMA MERCS
Karma Farmers have reportedly hired a team of mercenaries to hit Victorious Secret. This revelation comes in the wake of last week's news that KF had also hired revivers to do non-stop heals on hospitalised enemies.
TERRORBYTES MASCOT
I have nothing else to say aside from the fact that I thoroughly approve of this mascot. It looks like an ice-cold Calculon taking a s**t.
A CAUTIONARY TALE
Spiff-king contacted The Times to tell us how one young TerrorByte learned humility the hard way by walking into the robot tiger's den and yanking its exoskeletal tail.
The player in question was X3mcharles. His first mistake was joining Elimination not knowing much about the event. He then made only nine hits over the first few days, and so a TB member contacted him to either leave or make more hits. Charles' response makes for interesting reading.
"Who the fk are you to approach me like that? And are you fking sure that I made no hit? It's shameful that this team have officers leading like you! Confirm first before talking to me like that, like you have no fking respect! Dont expect me to respect you after that. You pile of s*****t!!! Dont worry I'm gonna fking leave the team. Don't you know I tried f****ng hard to avoid staying in torn and fly out abroad before I fking rest in REAL LIFE???? Don't you have fking life in REAL fkING WORLD? You should go fk yourself and whoever wrote this and sent it to me without f**king confirming the FACTS!!"
Before sending this message, Charles would've done well to confirm a few facts of his own. In particular, the fact that the person who messaged him was a TerrorBytes leader. Spiff-king picks up the rest of the story.
"In the next 15 minutes x3mcharles had a story arc worthy of Star Wars. He was angry and felt disrespected, a few came to his aide to comfort him. Then people started to realize he'd only made 9 hits. The mob turned on him. Then x3m was educated in how the elimination works. He was humbled, and apologized for his outburst. He committed to leaving the team so others could carry on the good fight."
Sadly, many players join Elimination without knowing that it will be one of the most hectic periods of their Torn life. Then again, if players weren't this naive, we wouldn't get memes like this, so it's not all bad.
PLEASE NO
NO OVERDRAFTS
With the Total Bankers eliminated and MeanMike so keen to help his allies, I wondered if the bankers would follow the Vikings' example and continue fighting to help Victorious Secret and Sea Men finish as high as possible. Nova says this won't happen.
"After and if we go out we will bow out gracefully and move on to let the remaining teams fight it out. Continuing to fight afterwards is petty and simply a waste of time in my opinion."
SEALED WITH A STITCH-UP
Some members of Seal Team Six have offered to leave the team if they are paid, which is bad, but not as bad as...
CAPTAIN PLANET
A random anonymous player told us that Sea Men are aligned with Murder Hornets, Karma Farmers, and Seal Team Six under the name Team Captain Planet. We do not believe this, but I like Captain Planet, so here's a meme.
EXCUSE ME, IT'S MA'AM
Victorious Secret leader Kuro has been repeatedly misgendered during the competition, which isn't something I would usually report. However, I felt I had to, once I heard that VS members have taken to calling her Daddy Kuro.
STINGING PRAISE
Despite all the drama and backstabbing, many players learn to respect their opponents during Elimination, as this chat between Banker Hawk and Hornet Krastinov demonstrates.
AN ELIMINATION SUMMARY
And finally, Nswit7 from the Total Bankers sent us this rundown of the tournament so far.
The SeaMen that was produced at Victorious Secret from the Total Wankers, was used as Toothpaste by the Vikings. This all happened while the Murder Hornets watched in Terror and decided to Byte the Karma Farmers leaving them with a Pandemic on either to beat up the Peasants or go for an honorable victory against the HeavyWeights.
GOSSIP REQUESTS
Thank you to everyone who has sent me gossip so far. If you hear anything and wish to send me any more juicy tidbits, my inbox and my heart are always open. There are DPs on offer for anything you can prove with a screenshot.
PEASANTS AND PANDEMIC PUNISHED
Elimination proceeded as expected after our most recent article, with the Peasants dropping out in the early hours of the 15th. When the poor needed aid, Torn looked away anxiously and whispered "sorry mate, I haven't got any change."
But the paupers' defeat was not as simple as one might imagine, according to one of their members, who wanted to clear up the situation regarding their Discord deletion and subsequent early exit.
"The person who created it deleted it early, before any substantial lives were lost, without warning or approval. This threw off numerous red flags and understandably so, but I didn't want everyone to think we were mailing it in and giving up. Wasn't the case whatsoever. Thanks a bunch! Hope this snippet makes it into the next article."
With the Peasants gone, there was to be no Pandemic at the Disco either, as the virulent infections were eliminated too just a few hours later. I don't know whether or not this team was made in a Chinese lab, but Pandemic's defeat was definitely engineered by their so-called allies, as we'll find out later.
CAVITIES DETECTED
Both the Peasants and Pandemic were members of the 8 team alliance which faced off against Dirty Sexy Money. Before long, it was clear that another member of this allegiance would fall by the wayside. Who would it be? We would discover this soon enough.
But first, the six-way alliance decided to focus their attention on removing Total Bankers from the competition, with multiple teams hammering them towards what seemed to be imminent insolvency. Yet despite all their woes, the Bankers' leader MeanMike was bullish about his side's chances.
Steven Seagal reportedly pooped himself when he was choked out on the set of Out For Justice, but would Total Bankers do the same? MeanMike believed that they could still survive if one or more of the rival alliance could be seduced. At this point, with nine teams left, the alliances on both sides were still clear, with Total Bankers, Victorious Secret and Sea Men facing off against Karma Farmers, Terror Bytes, Murder Hornets, Seal Team Six, Vikings and Toothpaste.
The situation changed when MeanMike's silver tongue unfurled from his mouth and awaited a squirt of Toothpaste - I am very sorry for that horrific mental image.
MeanMike convinced Toothpaste to change their allegiance - something they've now done five times during the competition - but their decision had major consequences. An overnight onslaught against the dentist's favourite saw all traces of Toothpaste spat down the sink at 4pm on the 17th. Some people tried rolling themselves up to see if there were any lives left in the tube, but there were not.
Meanwhile, Total Bankers avoided bankruptcy, as their run of life losses was briefly stemmed thanks to the newly-reduced five-team alliance turning their attention towards Toothpaste. MeanMike of Total Bankers still wasn't happy.
"Sadly, my plan for us to take out the Vikings and tie this thing up 4-4 where we could run the table hit a snag when they [Toothpaste] completely gave up on fighting back. We have 30 lives... we aren't gonna win regardless, but... We can get a top 4 finish if we had a dance partner" - MeanMike
Members of Toothpaste described their last-ditch switch as a hail mary attempt, and we've heard that many of the cavity-preventers could only guess as to their allegiances due to a lack of transparency from Toothpaste leadership. Bodowntown of Toothpaste confirmed that their allies were not revealed during the competition, and this meant he accidentally hit Seal Team Six when they were friendly.
He didn't feel too bad about this when he found out they were helping the Heavyweights, however, and made the following image to sum up his feelings.
VIKING INVASION REPELLED
The next team to fall was the Vikings. Aside from a brief period on Wednesday, this vicious band of seafaring pillagers had lost lives consistently for most of the past week. When Toothpaste were being squeezed and MeanMike's efforts looked like they were in vain, the Total Bankers then made an offer to the Vikings to switch sides. Shortly after this offer was presented, the Vikings Discord was given the chance to vote whether or not to betray their allies.
Total Bankers promised that this pact would've taken Vikings into the top four. I imagine they made a similar promise to Toothpaste, so you can't blame the Norsemen when they rejected MeanMike's offer by 65 votes to 34. The Vikings' final life was lost at 1.30am on the 18th, and their corpses were summarily loaded onto a boat and set ablaze, with the indiscriminate fire of glory cleansing the Scandinavians of their sins.
It may have been their sins of their leaders which cost Vikings a place at the top table, though, as their leaders had already played both sides early on in the competition before committing to their current alliance. Perhaps this is why their allies failed to come to their aid at the death. A Viking pledge of allegiance to any team would surely have been taken with a dose of salted herring, so perhaps a pact with Total Bankers was the only way the Scandis could have made top four. We will never know.
"[We rejected it] because we want to be honourable to our alliance. We did just get offered 4th place but true to our Viking creed with Odin's blessing we will go to Valhalla taking Toothpaste with us and as many of Total Bankers lives as we can. Our team are amazing and we will fight to the last life." - Anonymous Viking
The members of Vikings may have voted with honour and stayed true to their main alliance, but I have evidence which suggests that some of their leaders did not act so gallantly. Discussions with Total Bankers' leadership took place long before the Viking warriors were allowed to vote on their future, with leader themainmain apparently willing to sell his soul for a sack of silver.
Earlier in the competition, themainman initially appeared adventurous and determined to land one of the top spots. He then lost this confidence for some reason and was willing to settle for the defeat of Dirty Sexy Money. Shortly after this article was published, themainman told The Times that the screenshots above represent an attempt to see how desperate MeanMike was to win. Given that the Vikings never accepted an offer from DSM, this may be true.
Nevertheless, many Vikings I've spoken to believe that the glory of the top three was never to be written into their lore anyway, due to poor leadership, and a distinct lack of solid alliances. While praise has been repeatedly sent in the direction of Whis and Mysteria, other Viking commanders have been accused by the rank and file of a lack of effort.
But in true Viking style, the Norsemen appear determined to live on long after their death. Despite their Elimination, I've heard reports that Viking warriors are continuing to serve their alliance by hospitalising offline Murder Hornets to prevent them being attacked by other teams. Their efforts are being encouraged by TerrorBytes leader Andyman, who seems to have the respect of Vikings members, with both sides jointly mocking the amount Total Bankers have spent to stay in the competition as long as they have.
If the Viking leaders wish to atone for their mistakes, they could do no better than to sail from Valhalla and bring the wrath of the Nordic gods to the door of their enemies. I wish them both luck and the blessings of Frigg, the most amusingly named Viking deity.
BANKERS BAILOUT
The Bankers have been low on lives for several days now, and I've had an obituary ready for them ever since the 16th when they dropped down to just 30. Okay, that isn't strictly true. I did delay this very article to wait until they were defeated, but time and time again, the money men have bailed themselves out. And unlike in real life, they haven't relied on taxpayers' money to do it.
While the Bankers were scrambling around for cash to tide them over, Karma Farmers and TerrorBytes gained a huge haul of tickets, with Murder Hornets dropping like flies, and both the Sea Men and Victorious Secret falling down to single figures too. Since the Vikings exit, the life losses have been mostly split between Murder Hornets and Total Bankers, with the latter very much holding their own despite all the attention.
Pictured: Bankers and Hornets haven't formed an alliance, but I wish they had, so I could've used this picture.
The Bankers dropped down to single figure lives at lunchtime on the 18th and looked set to exit the competition before the day was out. Victorious Secret's Kuro told The Times she was confident that Total Bankers would not be eliminated on Friday. She also hinted that "things are in the works", which implies a rejigging of the alliances may be on the cards.
While the Bankers were busy crunching the numbers and trying to figure out how to remain solvent, professional hand model Nova told me that his side were not only going to stay in the competition, but that they were still in with a shout of victory.
"If we pull this off. It will be a bigger win than what we did with Pink Power. At the end of the day, people can cry all they like about 'stacked teams.' But Pink Power actually was a stacked team, this is not. Team Bankers is just a regular team like any other, that has fought tooth and nail to stay in the competition, while having the other teams against us the entire way, with the exception of Sea Men and Victorious Secret."
"Only through the organisation of the leadership and the high spirits and work ethic held by the team have managed to see us through to where we are now. That's what it comes down to."
The Bankers did put up a good fight, but in the end, their secret agreement with Victorious Secret and Sea Men was their undoing. Total Bankers were eliminated at 18:15 today, while I was at the pub, which was actually quite selfish if you think about it. Before their exit, MeanMike told me he was proud of himself and his team and was determined to help his allies before they were defeated.
"I od'ed and am still 6th on my team in hits. On THIS team, that's something. Plus, the way VS and SM stood by us when things got bad, and even now the effort they're putting in our behalf."
MeanMike worked hard to find one last ally for Sea Men and Victorious Secret, while simultaneously doing enough damage on the way out to get both teams into the top three. But while Meatloaf would do anything for love, it appears there are limits as to how low MeanMike would go for his allies. Mightygoober from Seal Team Six reportedly offered Total Bankers a chance to switch alliances and stay in the competition...
"I instantly told goober to get stuffed.... I've told one lie in my years of playing this comp, I'll be damned if I'm gonna sell my soul to ... the mighty friggin goober"
While the Bankers were not willing to switch sides and betray Dirty Sexy Money, they did make a concerted effort to try and sway everyone else, with both their leaders and regular members slinging last-ditch offers made to all teams during the final day of the Bankers' campaign. Their offers were rejected by everyone.
So long, you Total Bankers. You fought bravely and lasted far longer than anyone imagined. Credit where a line of credit is due.
WHO'S NEXT?
Victorious Secret were targeting ST6 and Murder Hornets on Friday morning to try and keep Total Bankers in for as long as possible. Kuro said that she hoped the leaders of these teams made the right call before it's too late, which hints that VS may make an attempt to pull one of their targets over to their side before long.
Given the lack of respect for ST6 leader MightyGoober shown by various members of this alliance, Murder Hornets look to be the likeliest candidates for an offer out of the two. Whether or not they accept is another matter entirely. I suspect that if the Hornets' life total runs too low, they may be tempted to accept a move, as their so-called allies have reportedly been leeching too many tickets from the Hornets' nest.
"Allies took our tickets to stay ahead of bankers, bankers allies took their tickets, we hit bankers who were often at 0 tickets. Thus we had a pretty bad net loss that just ticked down. The bonus is that the people with tickets are our allies. Currently, I imagine they will happily throw us under the bridge.
Then again, a high-ranking member of ST6 suggested that their team had been guaranteed a top-three finish. This guarantee must've come from Karma Farmers and TerrorBytes, as we don't believe the rival alliance are interested in. But if Seal Team Six believe that their existing alliance will take them to the finish line, they are sadly mistaken.
I've been told that Karma Farmers, TerrorBytes, and Murder Hornets have had a long-standing pact to fix the top three between themselves since the beginning of the competition. This triumvirate of Terror-Farming Wasps never planned to include Peasants, Pandemic or Vikings in their plans for more than a few days, and the same apparently goes for Seal Team Six.
This would be quite an explosive revelation given the moral objection Karma Farmers raised to Dirty Sexy Money doing the same thing. So is it true? I believe it might be, because I choose to believe that, because it's delicious. Here is a post from KF's leader Hcom3 from earlier in the tournament which was sent to a member of Victorious Secret.
At this point, Total Bankers were still going strong, but on the surface, it looks like he considered Karma, Terror and Hornets to be a shoo-in for the final fight versus Total Bankers, Sea Men and Victorious Secret. Since this message was sent to a VS leader, Hcom3 was clearly trying to tempt them to switch sides, given that he felt his own alliance wasn't up to scratch. This offer was almost certainly rejected.
However, the Karma Farmers are one of several teams who have been involved with both major alliances, so they could flop either way as the competition draws to a close. We believe that KF will keep their alliance with TerrorBytes and go along with whoever looks strongest in the immediate aftermath of Total Bankers' elimination.
Alternatively, everyone might just decide to get rid of Seal Team Six and call it a draw.
SEAL TEAM D**KS
There is trouble brewing in ST6. They don't have many tickets, their leaders have secret motives, and as this next screenshot shows, there isn't much love for them among those who remain.
Penicillin is one of the Murder Hornets' leaders, and it is notable how MH and the Seals have not helped each other much during this tournament. Ever wonder why that is? Kuro from Victorious Secret told me that "Alliances aside.. every leader has expressed interest about turning on Goober solely because he's... Goober."
That comment seemed a little mean, until I saw the following screenshot, which indicates that MightyGoober is leading Seal Team Six to certain destruction out of a selfish desire to add to his own award collection.
MightyGoober has also been accused of selling his team out for $500m, but we have yet to verify this. What we can confirm is that fellow ST6 leader jonsnow holds the same disdain towards his own side. It appears that if Seal Team Six want to stand any chance of making the final three, they must do as the Committee did and absolve themselves of MightyGoober's presence.
Seal Team Six, you took down Bin Laden, you deserve more. I insist that each of you listen to your real commander, who goes by the name of Seal Henry Olusegun Olumide Adeola Samuel, and let the light hit the gloom on the grey. Otherwise, I fear this will be your fate.
SNIPPETS
Here are some small stories you may or may not find of interest. Don't blame me if you don't.
KARMA PAULICE
One member of the fallen Total Bankers, Paul, is no fan of the Karma Farmers.
KARMA MERCS
Karma Farmers have reportedly hired a team of mercenaries to hit Victorious Secret. This revelation comes in the wake of last week's news that KF had also hired revivers to do non-stop heals on hospitalised enemies.
TERRORBYTES MASCOT
I have nothing else to say aside from the fact that I thoroughly approve of this mascot. It looks like an ice-cold Calculon taking a s**t.
A CAUTIONARY TALE
Spiff-king contacted The Times to tell us how one young TerrorByte learned humility the hard way by walking into the robot tiger's den and yanking its exoskeletal tail.
The player in question was X3mcharles. His first mistake was joining Elimination not knowing much about the event. He then made only nine hits over the first few days, and so a TB member contacted him to either leave or make more hits. Charles' response makes for interesting reading.
"Who the fk are you to approach me like that? And are you fking sure that I made no hit? It's shameful that this team have officers leading like you! Confirm first before talking to me like that, like you have no fking respect! Dont expect me to respect you after that. You pile of s*****t!!! Dont worry I'm gonna fking leave the team. Don't you know I tried f****ng hard to avoid staying in torn and fly out abroad before I fking rest in REAL LIFE???? Don't you have fking life in REAL fkING WORLD? You should go fk yourself and whoever wrote this and sent it to me without f**king confirming the FACTS!!"
Before sending this message, Charles would've done well to confirm a few facts of his own. In particular, the fact that the person who messaged him was a TerrorBytes leader. Spiff-king picks up the rest of the story.
"In the next 15 minutes x3mcharles had a story arc worthy of Star Wars. He was angry and felt disrespected, a few came to his aide to comfort him. Then people started to realize he'd only made 9 hits. The mob turned on him. Then x3m was educated in how the elimination works. He was humbled, and apologized for his outburst. He committed to leaving the team so others could carry on the good fight."
Sadly, many players join Elimination without knowing that it will be one of the most hectic periods of their Torn life. Then again, if players weren't this naive, we wouldn't get memes like this, so it's not all bad.
PLEASE NO
NO OVERDRAFTS
With the Total Bankers eliminated and MeanMike so keen to help his allies, I wondered if the bankers would follow the Vikings' example and continue fighting to help Victorious Secret and Sea Men finish as high as possible. Nova says this won't happen.
"After and if we go out we will bow out gracefully and move on to let the remaining teams fight it out. Continuing to fight afterwards is petty and simply a waste of time in my opinion."
SEALED WITH A STITCH-UP
Some members of Seal Team Six have offered to leave the team if they are paid, which is bad, but not as bad as...
CAPTAIN PLANET
A random anonymous player told us that Sea Men are aligned with Murder Hornets, Karma Farmers, and Seal Team Six under the name Team Captain Planet. We do not believe this, but I like Captain Planet, so here's a meme.
EXCUSE ME, IT'S MA'AM
Victorious Secret leader Kuro has been repeatedly misgendered during the competition, which isn't something I would usually report. However, I felt I had to, once I heard that VS members have taken to calling her Daddy Kuro.
STINGING PRAISE
Despite all the drama and backstabbing, many players learn to respect their opponents during Elimination, as this chat between Banker Hawk and Hornet Krastinov demonstrates.
AN ELIMINATION SUMMARY
And finally, Nswit7 from the Total Bankers sent us this rundown of the tournament so far.
The SeaMen that was produced at Victorious Secret from the Total Wankers, was used as Toothpaste by the Vikings. This all happened while the Murder Hornets watched in Terror and decided to Byte the Karma Farmers leaving them with a Pandemic on either to beat up the Peasants or go for an honorable victory against the HeavyWeights.
GOSSIP REQUESTS
Thank you to everyone who has sent me gossip so far. If you hear anything and wish to send me any more juicy tidbits, my inbox and my heart are always open. There are DPs on offer for anything you can prove with a screenshot.
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