sugarvalves [1963573] —
Original article
Victorious Secret strip off and settle for second after straightforward final fight. Murder Hornets smoked out for third. Drieke breaks competition record. Final gossip roundup of the tournament.
Sea Men are the 2020 Elimination champions! The salty sea dogs clinched victory at 6:45am this morning after inflicting 24 hours of straight life losses upon their former allies, Victorious Secret.
The final three were determined on Monday when the Karma Farmers were triple-teamed by Sea Men, Victorious Secret, and Murder Hornets. And it was at this point that the final two was also decided, as there was never any realistic prospect of the Dirty Sexy Money alliance being broken up to allow Murder Hornets a chance at victory.
That being said, Sea Men and Victorious Secret were both making hits on each other before the Hornets were defeated in an attempt to even up their ticket scores. However, this screenshot from the VS discord shows that a ceasefire was soon agreed to allow both sides to prepare for a fair fight. But a comment by Kuro in the forums suggests that VS spent too much energy on the Hornets head of their inevitable showdown with Sea Men.
"Of course there is always temptation to side with another team to gain as advantage. At the time looking at the wins, and knowing we held back a lot of players from hitting most of elimination to always stay slightly below SM and appear weaker than we were, we thought we had a chance of winning in a 1 v 1. We had a vote and the plan was unanimous among leaders." - four
four revealed that a pact between VS and SM kept the two within 1k tickets of each other while the Hornets were being taken down. This was deemed necessary since MH were targeting VS twice as much as they were SM, so when SM took a ticket off MH it would create a ticket gap between the two teams. four says that this caused friction between the two allies at a crucial moment in the competition.
"It was a tense time, players from both sides were demanding blood. However, we both wanted to wait until MH were out of the competition so there would be no claim the other won due to the third-place team. We played together the entire elimination and neither side wanted to end it that way."
Both teams kept their word, and from a platform of 50 lives, the Murder Hornets were brutally exterminated over the course of twelve hours by their rivals. When the last Hornet was killed off at 5:15am on the 22nd, Victorious Secret held a healthy lead of sixteen lives over the Sea Men, with 95 lives compared to the spaff-captains' tally of 79.
Pictured: Life graph courtesy of IceBlueFire and Tornstats
At the time, Sea Men had 1,000 more tickets than VS, whose members were each sporting a delightful pair of crotchless panties with a little red bow on the waistband. Victorious Secret soon overhauled that ticket gap to inflict seven straight life losses on the Sea Men. But that was as good as it got for our brave band of catalogue models, as four reveals.
"In the first hour we had the entire SM team locked up and we were able to climb to a ~1k point advantage. Unfortunately, most of us apparently had the same plan - hit and sleep. I went to sleep at 2AM (06:00 TCT) with a 1k advantage and woke up at 6AM to an approximate 6k disadvantage. From then on they were hitting us at a rate of nearly 2:1 and it was just not possible to turn it around even with coordinated pushes.
As the day wore on, this chat screenshot indicates that VS was maintaining only 400 hits per hour compared to their opponents' 1,000. Many in the VS ranks complained that they were rolling over for their opponents, and this stream of Discord messages shows that the mood in their camp was not good as wave after wave of Sea Men lashed upon them
Pictured: Victorious Secret early on Tuesday morning.
The Sea Men swiftly restored their ticket lead and inflicted life loss after life loss against Victorious Secret as the quarters ticked by. Stretch refused to believe the result was a foregone conclusion even when his side was so dominant, though, and he still found time to praise VS despite being in the midst of battle.
"They are a great team, I am pushing my guys to continue to churn out hits and assume nothing. VS has been a powerhouse the entire event, they were right near SM/Bankers in total hits the entire time. You cannot underestimate them at all. They will be in this to the end whichever way it goes."
Later that day, four made it clear to his troops that victory was now unlikely. At 5pm he put it to a vote whether VS should continue to fight in the face of what he referred to as "SM leaders forcing their faction to do free revives."
Many Victorious Secret members valiantly offered to continue fighting after four's post, but in the end, their efforts were in vain. At one point, the only thing preventing Sea Men from gaining more tickets was the upper limit of 12,000, such was their dominance over their former allies.
Pictured: Nice.
Alas, at 6:45am this morning, the most foregone of conclusions was reached. Sea Men stripped Victorious Secret down to their bare skin, and in doing so crowned themselves champions of Elimination 2020.
Stretch praised his opponents for putting up a fight and admitted that VS came out smashing heavy, but he also commended his side for keeping their composure and maintaining a healthy hit rate even when victory looked certain.
"It was just an overwhelming assault, we did our best to minimize our own targets with mass communications from our members about revives/travel etc. As well we kept those who were inactive/bleeding lives out of the enemies view as much as possible. It was a massive team effort, could not have accomplished what we did without everyone pitching in the way they did."
four responded by saying that SM came into the finale with more activity than they anticipated and that their win was well deserved. He added that the Sea Men's consistent ability to heal VS's back end faster than they could theirs also played a huge part, something which he attributed to a high amount of communication within their ranks.
"Finding targets with revives on <1000 days old was a challenge in itself. I’m not sure how they got so many players to cooperate, as our helpers sent countless messages to contact our side but we still had a large group that SM fed off of. I imagine if you have the stats, you’ll see quite a few VS players with no hits and hundreds hosps just within the last 24H of elim."
four also believes that Sea Men also had more revivers and funds at their disposal, and repeated his claim that their leadership ordered a friendly faction to revive the Victorious Secret back pages. Stretch disputes this, saying "our faction doesn't do revives, like we don't even have that unlocked, none of them do, so no truth at all to that one." - a statement which ignores NS's ability to pay or coerce friendly factions to do this for them.
Nevertheless, Stretch continued to be complimentary about his side's former allies, maintaining that they had each other's backs throughout the event.
"Once we were late game, it was the constant activity by Se(a)men that carried us. I was constantly watching our total hits and we were ranked 1st or 2nd almost the entire event. That showed me that we could keep on fighting with the best any team could give us."
Pictured: Constant activity.
Stretch feels that the decision by Murder Hornets to switch sides changed everything, as Sea Men were haemorrhaging lives at the time. SM still managed to hit the Hornets hard despite this, which caused the homicidal insects to worry for their future, hence their switch to Dirty Sexy Money.
The exact same situation was repeated with Seal Team Six, who were blitzed by Sea Men before abandoning their alliance. If Sea Men hadn't have targeted these two teams at precisely the right moment, Stretch feels the Elimination finalé would've gone very differently indeed.
"So going from what appeared to be a bleak situation at 2v4, turned into a 4v2 powerplay where we could whittle down the opposition. We were able to really just cruise til end game after that honestly. With our 1v1 setup, both teams players had doubts we made the right choice NOT taking MH to bet up the opposition to ensure what is possibly an easily 1v1 at the end."
Despite their doubts, Sea Men stood strong and went into the final alongside their allies, and they were rewarded greatly for it. Ishtar of the Sea Men heaped giant globules of salty praise upon Stretch and their other leaders, and managed to limit herself to just three sperm references in doing so.
"It was the resilience and perseverance of the leaders/cummittee/cum captains that kept us going. Morale is extremely important to uphold! There were times when we thought we had met our end, but we pushed through, and got out of many sticky situations! Stretch pulled many miracles for our team, we're all grateful for our Ocean God!"
In one of our previous articles, Nova of Total Bankers suggested that victory for his side would represent an achievement on par with Pink Power's win in 2017. I feel that this comment equally applies to any of the Dirty Sexy Money trio, as despite their obvious strength, Hcom3's uncovering of their plan to fix Elimination effectively turned the whole competition against them from the off.
For any of these teams to make it to the final three was an achievement in itself given how many sides they were up against. The fact that VS and Sea Men ended up fighting for the title is an even more incredible feat. IceBlueFire's post suggests that fear may have played a part in this result, with the strength of DSM causing other teams to make decisions they may not otherwise have made.
Natural Selection and Chain Reaction also had a huge influence on the outcome of this tournament too, with the members of these factions operating clandestinely to organise mutual alliances and betrayals behind the scenes. Regardless, the Sea Men fully deserve their victory and should be congratulated for fighting an excellent campaign. They ran a tight ship, rarely spilt any secrets, and finished with a flourish at the end.
Congratulations Sea Men. You came, you saw, you conquered, and then presumably came again.
TEAM STATISTICS
Here is a list of hastily compiled statistics which were calculated using the few remaining parts of my brain which are not overrun with crude puns. The stats below will tell you where your team ranked in terms of hits, hits per member, hits per hour, and hits per hour per member, with these calculations based on the number of players left in each team at the end of the competition.
SEA MEN
Position: 1st
Hits: 190,381 (1st)
Hits Per Member: 266 (1st)
Hits Per Hour: 671 (3rd)
Hits Per Hour Per Member: 0.93 (3rd)
Top Scorer: Jello - 1,500
5 Token Attack Req: 128
VICTORIOUS SECRET
Position: 2nd
Hits: 181,502 (2nd)
Hits Per Member: 230 (2nd)
Hits Per Hour: 639 (4th)
Hits Per Hour Per Member: 0.81 (8th)
Top Scorer: Drieke - 1,676
5 Token Attack Req: 110
MURDER HORNETS
Position: 3rd
Hits: 148,659 (3rd)
Hits Per Member: 195 (4th)
Hits Per Hour: 575 (8th)
Hits Per Hour Per Member: 0.75 (10th)
Top Scorer: Waga - 1,150
5 Token Attack Req: 97
KARMA FARMERS
Position: 4th
Hits: 147,640 (4th)
Hits Per Member: 211 (3rd)
Hits Per Hour: 600 (5th)
Hits Per Hour Per Member: 0.86 (6th)
Top Scorer: Hcom3 - 1,030
5 Token Attack Req: 96
TERROR BYTES
Position: 5th
Hits: 134,441 (5th)
Hits Per Member: 182 (6th)
Hits Per Hour: 594 (6th)
Hits Per Hour Per Member: 0.8 (9th)
Top Scorer: Nightmare - 978
5 Token Attack Req: 74
SEAL TEAM SIX
Position: 6th
Hits: 118,739 (7th)
Hits Per Member: 194 (5th)
Hits Per Hour: 549 (9th)
Hits Per Hour Per Member: 0.89 (5th)
Top Scorer: Indubitably - 1,203
5 Token Attack Req: 98
TOTAL BANKERS
Position: 7th
Hits: 123,634 (6th)
Hits Per Member: 169 (7th)
Hits Per Hour: 705 (2nd)
Hits Per Hour Per Member: 0.96 (2nd)
Top Scorer: bblake17 - 980
5 Token Attack Req: 77
VIKINGS
Position: 8th
Hits: 91,714 (8th)
Hits Per Member: 142 (8th)
Hits Per Hour: 582 (7th)
Hits Per Hour Per Member: 0.9 (4th)
Top Scorer: EgoETEK - 649
5 Token Attack Req: 69
TOOTHPASTE
Position: 9th
Hits: 73,263 (9th)
Hits Per Member: 104 (9th)
Hits Per Hour: 495 (12th)
Hits Per Hour Per Member: 0.7 (12th)
Top Scorer: Jokur - 666
5 Token Attack Req: 49
PANDEMIC
Position: 10th
Hits: 52,442 (10th)
Hits Per Member: 71.4 (11th)
Hits Per Hour: 544 (10th)
Hits Per Hour Per Member: 0.74 (11th)
Top Scorer: MsJollyRancher - 477
5 Token Attack Req: 34
PEASANTS
Position: 11th
Hits: 45,756 (12th)
Hits Per Member: 75.7 (10th)
Hits Per Hour: 511 (11th)
Hits Per Hour Per Member: 0.84 (7th)
Top Scorer: Silver_Rose - 500
5 Token Attack Req: 31
HEAVYWEIGHTS
Position: 12th
Hits: 46,921 (11th)
Hits Per Member: 65 (12th)
Hits Per Hour: 834 (1st)
Hits Per Hour Per Member: 1.14 (1st)
Top Scorer: realistassasin - 445
5 Token Attack Req: 27
TOP SCORERS
The 2020 top hitters list was drenched in Sea Men, with six of their now flaccid members occupying the top ten spots. But the headline news is that Drieke of Victorious Secret is the new Elimination record-holder for the most successful attacks made during the competition. His phenomenal tally of 1,676 beats Whiskey_Jack's 2019 record of 1,560 by 116. Congratulations Drieke!
1st - Drieke - Victorious - 1,676
2nd - Jello - Sea Men - 1,500
3rd - Lalop - Victorious - 1,364
4th - Green - Sea Men - 1,246
5th - Gloin - Sea Men - 1,244
6th - Indubitably - ST6 - 1,203
7th - Karty - Sea Men - 1,189
8th - Iogiet - Sea Men - 1,165
9th - Alyssia - Sea Men - 1,162
10th - Waga - Hornets - 1,150
THE FINAL GOSSIP COLUMN
THE ENDING WE DESERVED
Both SM and VS reportedly asked the Total Bankers if they would fight the other side for $750k per hit. Possible enquires started around 4am TCT on the 20/9, when one of the Bankers' leaders insinuated they might have a good attack contract with one of the teams.
There was a huge discussion about this in the TB Discord, during which Lilith was said to have been particularly outspoken against the idea of selling their loyalty. She apparently also pointed out that if TB had made it to the final three, Sea Men and Victorious Secret would've likely teamed up against them "for obvious reasons."
I am too tired to find out what those reasons were.
THE SECOND ENDING WE DESERVED
Kuro of VS shared an image which suggests that Murder Hornets offered their help to get them to first place in exchange for 12 Stat Enhancers. Nobody is quite sure if they were serious or not.
HELL HAS FROZEN OVER
Dekloren praises Ched for the servers staying reliable. 2020 is so f***ed. What next? ralucakiss84 being a trustworthy and decent citizen?
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Ralucakiss84 repeatedly trolled their own team's chat on the final day, expressing annoyance at the tactics VS leaders had used. An anonymous Secret also hit out against the donation drive run on the final day and wondered if shenanigans were taking place.
"Nothing has been said thus far, bit Kuro & leadership were asking for more donations yesterday before the final 2 kicked off. I think the leadership between the 2, being as there's a common faction in both, made an agreement. I think they were trying to see how much they could profit & the winner was already set. There was no logical reason to let seaman get the lead they had."
four quashed these scandalous rumours by saying he's seen none of these funds, and personally spent $300m of his own money during the tournament. He added that any leftover donations would be distributed back to their donators.
YES, I CAN
REVIVE COSTS ESTIMATED
In a screenshot we linked earlier, Victorious Secret's four suggested that Sea Men had a revive operation costing between $5-10 billion. XAsukaX of the Sea Men admitted to us that she personally spent $3.5bn on revive costs during their victorious campaign, so four's upper estimate of $10bn looks like it could be rather conservative.
viloent_j claims to be one of the revivers used by Sea Men and professes to have performed over 1,000 revives during Elimination. They also claim that Victorious Secret hired them on a contract towards the end of the competition too.
Honigbiene was another reviver involved, and they provided the following comment on the final day of hostilities.
"VS getting their ass kicked.., I offered my refills to seamen and did around 520 revives today on VS so Sea Men could kick them right back to hospital..."
EVERYONE WENT CLUBBING
A member of Seal Team Six says that it was obvious to everyone but their leadership that nobody was truly on their side before or after their late-game flip. The anonymous seal claimed that Karma, Terror and the Hornets were overfarming their tickets before Hornets switched. And when the Seals followed Hornets to Dirty Sexy Money, Sea Men started railing on them too.
"It never really felt like we could have been safe. I think we should have stayed with the alliance and taken out MH before returning back to SM, and I think if we were going to go out, it should have been with honor, not with a last-minute switch."
SEA MEN HONOURED BY QUEEN
VIKINGS SPILL
Clitasaurus contacted the Times to share another one of MeanMike's persuasive messages. And fellow Viking leader Whis makes it abundantly clear that their side was never going to flip over to Dirty Sexy Money, while also defending themainman from accusations that she was trying to sell them out.
"Neither mainman, nor any of our leadership team had any intentions of flipping to the bankers. We were mostly curious how desperate he was. In the end, it just seems like Mike is sour about how he lost, and how our team (members not leadership) voted to die rather than flip to them."
"I feel awful about the flack mainman is getting. Cause as someone who worked with her leading Vikings through the comp. It was very obviously her messing with Mike when she asked that. Since we all (leadership) agreed flipping to bankers was never an option, and none of us would ever agree to it."
HOW MANY NOW?
Speaking of MeanMike, one player wondered if Mike's assertion that he's only ever told one lie in the history of the Elimination includes this little fib.
"Does the "we're not stacked" count in the "lies counter" of Mike?"
YOUNG PLAYERS, BIG HITTERS
Several young players deserve a shout-out for their supreme efforts in this year's tournament.
Aaassh of Victorious Secret is only 141 days old today, yet managed to stay on their team's first page with an astonishing 888 attacks. Teammates Seintz and takash1 also scored over 800 attacks each, with both being under 300 days old.
Kandge of Sea Men also did well to get 860 attacks at 239 days, as did Link- of Murder Hornets with their 808 total at 334 days. Nosk was the standout performer in Karma Farmers, ranking third in their entire team with 953 hits at an age of 392. Another mention must go to Maziqueen, who got 341 hits at 107 days old.
Renzo of Terror Bytes did well to get 711 attacks at 126 days old, as did DUDE, who scored 733 attacks despite only being able to bench 20kg. Over at ST6, the 131-day old Sarosv stayed on his team's first page with 633 attacks. Meanwhile, the Total Bankers were bolstered by the efforts of HTEVE_SOLT and Animal_Mother, who got 708 and 641 at 252 and 357 days old.
Dromedan stood out among The Vikings, having performed 513 attacks at 525 days old and with a level of just 15. Osravan was even more impressive at Toothpaste, scoring 590 aged 220 days to gain second-place on their leaderboard. Dockeart of Pandemic was also second-top-scorer for their team, having made 457 attacks aged 230.
Over at the Peasants, Lord-Farquaad grabbed 313 wins at 317 days. And finally, 552-day-old Austral's total of 389 for the Heavyweights was good enough for fourth-spot, but SungJinWoo also deserves a mention for getting 279 attacks in at 101 days.
Well done to all of these players and anyone else who we haven't mentioned but feels like they should be. It's not that you didn't do well, it's just this article is getting very long now, and I need to go for a haircut.
ALTERNATIVE FINAL TABLE
Here's an alternative results page courtesy of Smokey123 with some more appropriate verbs thrown in.
A FINAL THANK YOU
I want to end by thanking all of those who supplied me with gossip over the past few weeks. I hope my donator packs serve you well and that your various betrayals are never discovered by your friends or factionmates. For reference, here is a full list of my sources:
REDACTED
REDACTED
REDACTED
REDACTED
REDACTED
REDACTED
REDACTED
The final three were determined on Monday when the Karma Farmers were triple-teamed by Sea Men, Victorious Secret, and Murder Hornets. And it was at this point that the final two was also decided, as there was never any realistic prospect of the Dirty Sexy Money alliance being broken up to allow Murder Hornets a chance at victory.
That being said, Sea Men and Victorious Secret were both making hits on each other before the Hornets were defeated in an attempt to even up their ticket scores. However, this screenshot from the VS discord shows that a ceasefire was soon agreed to allow both sides to prepare for a fair fight. But a comment by Kuro in the forums suggests that VS spent too much energy on the Hornets head of their inevitable showdown with Sea Men.
"Of course there is always temptation to side with another team to gain as advantage. At the time looking at the wins, and knowing we held back a lot of players from hitting most of elimination to always stay slightly below SM and appear weaker than we were, we thought we had a chance of winning in a 1 v 1. We had a vote and the plan was unanimous among leaders." - four
four revealed that a pact between VS and SM kept the two within 1k tickets of each other while the Hornets were being taken down. This was deemed necessary since MH were targeting VS twice as much as they were SM, so when SM took a ticket off MH it would create a ticket gap between the two teams. four says that this caused friction between the two allies at a crucial moment in the competition.
"It was a tense time, players from both sides were demanding blood. However, we both wanted to wait until MH were out of the competition so there would be no claim the other won due to the third-place team. We played together the entire elimination and neither side wanted to end it that way."
Both teams kept their word, and from a platform of 50 lives, the Murder Hornets were brutally exterminated over the course of twelve hours by their rivals. When the last Hornet was killed off at 5:15am on the 22nd, Victorious Secret held a healthy lead of sixteen lives over the Sea Men, with 95 lives compared to the spaff-captains' tally of 79.
Pictured: Life graph courtesy of IceBlueFire and Tornstats
At the time, Sea Men had 1,000 more tickets than VS, whose members were each sporting a delightful pair of crotchless panties with a little red bow on the waistband. Victorious Secret soon overhauled that ticket gap to inflict seven straight life losses on the Sea Men. But that was as good as it got for our brave band of catalogue models, as four reveals.
"In the first hour we had the entire SM team locked up and we were able to climb to a ~1k point advantage. Unfortunately, most of us apparently had the same plan - hit and sleep. I went to sleep at 2AM (06:00 TCT) with a 1k advantage and woke up at 6AM to an approximate 6k disadvantage. From then on they were hitting us at a rate of nearly 2:1 and it was just not possible to turn it around even with coordinated pushes.
As the day wore on, this chat screenshot indicates that VS was maintaining only 400 hits per hour compared to their opponents' 1,000. Many in the VS ranks complained that they were rolling over for their opponents, and this stream of Discord messages shows that the mood in their camp was not good as wave after wave of Sea Men lashed upon them
Pictured: Victorious Secret early on Tuesday morning.
The Sea Men swiftly restored their ticket lead and inflicted life loss after life loss against Victorious Secret as the quarters ticked by. Stretch refused to believe the result was a foregone conclusion even when his side was so dominant, though, and he still found time to praise VS despite being in the midst of battle.
"They are a great team, I am pushing my guys to continue to churn out hits and assume nothing. VS has been a powerhouse the entire event, they were right near SM/Bankers in total hits the entire time. You cannot underestimate them at all. They will be in this to the end whichever way it goes."
Later that day, four made it clear to his troops that victory was now unlikely. At 5pm he put it to a vote whether VS should continue to fight in the face of what he referred to as "SM leaders forcing their faction to do free revives."
Many Victorious Secret members valiantly offered to continue fighting after four's post, but in the end, their efforts were in vain. At one point, the only thing preventing Sea Men from gaining more tickets was the upper limit of 12,000, such was their dominance over their former allies.
Pictured: Nice.
Alas, at 6:45am this morning, the most foregone of conclusions was reached. Sea Men stripped Victorious Secret down to their bare skin, and in doing so crowned themselves champions of Elimination 2020.
Stretch praised his opponents for putting up a fight and admitted that VS came out smashing heavy, but he also commended his side for keeping their composure and maintaining a healthy hit rate even when victory looked certain.
"It was just an overwhelming assault, we did our best to minimize our own targets with mass communications from our members about revives/travel etc. As well we kept those who were inactive/bleeding lives out of the enemies view as much as possible. It was a massive team effort, could not have accomplished what we did without everyone pitching in the way they did."
four responded by saying that SM came into the finale with more activity than they anticipated and that their win was well deserved. He added that the Sea Men's consistent ability to heal VS's back end faster than they could theirs also played a huge part, something which he attributed to a high amount of communication within their ranks.
"Finding targets with revives on <1000 days old was a challenge in itself. I’m not sure how they got so many players to cooperate, as our helpers sent countless messages to contact our side but we still had a large group that SM fed off of. I imagine if you have the stats, you’ll see quite a few VS players with no hits and hundreds hosps just within the last 24H of elim."
four also believes that Sea Men also had more revivers and funds at their disposal, and repeated his claim that their leadership ordered a friendly faction to revive the Victorious Secret back pages. Stretch disputes this, saying "our faction doesn't do revives, like we don't even have that unlocked, none of them do, so no truth at all to that one." - a statement which ignores NS's ability to pay or coerce friendly factions to do this for them.
Nevertheless, Stretch continued to be complimentary about his side's former allies, maintaining that they had each other's backs throughout the event.
"Once we were late game, it was the constant activity by Se(a)men that carried us. I was constantly watching our total hits and we were ranked 1st or 2nd almost the entire event. That showed me that we could keep on fighting with the best any team could give us."
Pictured: Constant activity.
Stretch feels that the decision by Murder Hornets to switch sides changed everything, as Sea Men were haemorrhaging lives at the time. SM still managed to hit the Hornets hard despite this, which caused the homicidal insects to worry for their future, hence their switch to Dirty Sexy Money.
The exact same situation was repeated with Seal Team Six, who were blitzed by Sea Men before abandoning their alliance. If Sea Men hadn't have targeted these two teams at precisely the right moment, Stretch feels the Elimination finalé would've gone very differently indeed.
"So going from what appeared to be a bleak situation at 2v4, turned into a 4v2 powerplay where we could whittle down the opposition. We were able to really just cruise til end game after that honestly. With our 1v1 setup, both teams players had doubts we made the right choice NOT taking MH to bet up the opposition to ensure what is possibly an easily 1v1 at the end."
Despite their doubts, Sea Men stood strong and went into the final alongside their allies, and they were rewarded greatly for it. Ishtar of the Sea Men heaped giant globules of salty praise upon Stretch and their other leaders, and managed to limit herself to just three sperm references in doing so.
"It was the resilience and perseverance of the leaders/cummittee/cum captains that kept us going. Morale is extremely important to uphold! There were times when we thought we had met our end, but we pushed through, and got out of many sticky situations! Stretch pulled many miracles for our team, we're all grateful for our Ocean God!"
In one of our previous articles, Nova of Total Bankers suggested that victory for his side would represent an achievement on par with Pink Power's win in 2017. I feel that this comment equally applies to any of the Dirty Sexy Money trio, as despite their obvious strength, Hcom3's uncovering of their plan to fix Elimination effectively turned the whole competition against them from the off.
For any of these teams to make it to the final three was an achievement in itself given how many sides they were up against. The fact that VS and Sea Men ended up fighting for the title is an even more incredible feat. IceBlueFire's post suggests that fear may have played a part in this result, with the strength of DSM causing other teams to make decisions they may not otherwise have made.
Natural Selection and Chain Reaction also had a huge influence on the outcome of this tournament too, with the members of these factions operating clandestinely to organise mutual alliances and betrayals behind the scenes. Regardless, the Sea Men fully deserve their victory and should be congratulated for fighting an excellent campaign. They ran a tight ship, rarely spilt any secrets, and finished with a flourish at the end.
Congratulations Sea Men. You came, you saw, you conquered, and then presumably came again.
TEAM STATISTICS
Here is a list of hastily compiled statistics which were calculated using the few remaining parts of my brain which are not overrun with crude puns. The stats below will tell you where your team ranked in terms of hits, hits per member, hits per hour, and hits per hour per member, with these calculations based on the number of players left in each team at the end of the competition.
SEA MEN
Position: 1st
Hits: 190,381 (1st)
Hits Per Member: 266 (1st)
Hits Per Hour: 671 (3rd)
Hits Per Hour Per Member: 0.93 (3rd)
Top Scorer: Jello - 1,500
5 Token Attack Req: 128
VICTORIOUS SECRET
Position: 2nd
Hits: 181,502 (2nd)
Hits Per Member: 230 (2nd)
Hits Per Hour: 639 (4th)
Hits Per Hour Per Member: 0.81 (8th)
Top Scorer: Drieke - 1,676
5 Token Attack Req: 110
MURDER HORNETS
Position: 3rd
Hits: 148,659 (3rd)
Hits Per Member: 195 (4th)
Hits Per Hour: 575 (8th)
Hits Per Hour Per Member: 0.75 (10th)
Top Scorer: Waga - 1,150
5 Token Attack Req: 97
KARMA FARMERS
Position: 4th
Hits: 147,640 (4th)
Hits Per Member: 211 (3rd)
Hits Per Hour: 600 (5th)
Hits Per Hour Per Member: 0.86 (6th)
Top Scorer: Hcom3 - 1,030
5 Token Attack Req: 96
TERROR BYTES
Position: 5th
Hits: 134,441 (5th)
Hits Per Member: 182 (6th)
Hits Per Hour: 594 (6th)
Hits Per Hour Per Member: 0.8 (9th)
Top Scorer: Nightmare - 978
5 Token Attack Req: 74
SEAL TEAM SIX
Position: 6th
Hits: 118,739 (7th)
Hits Per Member: 194 (5th)
Hits Per Hour: 549 (9th)
Hits Per Hour Per Member: 0.89 (5th)
Top Scorer: Indubitably - 1,203
5 Token Attack Req: 98
TOTAL BANKERS
Position: 7th
Hits: 123,634 (6th)
Hits Per Member: 169 (7th)
Hits Per Hour: 705 (2nd)
Hits Per Hour Per Member: 0.96 (2nd)
Top Scorer: bblake17 - 980
5 Token Attack Req: 77
VIKINGS
Position: 8th
Hits: 91,714 (8th)
Hits Per Member: 142 (8th)
Hits Per Hour: 582 (7th)
Hits Per Hour Per Member: 0.9 (4th)
Top Scorer: EgoETEK - 649
5 Token Attack Req: 69
TOOTHPASTE
Position: 9th
Hits: 73,263 (9th)
Hits Per Member: 104 (9th)
Hits Per Hour: 495 (12th)
Hits Per Hour Per Member: 0.7 (12th)
Top Scorer: Jokur - 666
5 Token Attack Req: 49
PANDEMIC
Position: 10th
Hits: 52,442 (10th)
Hits Per Member: 71.4 (11th)
Hits Per Hour: 544 (10th)
Hits Per Hour Per Member: 0.74 (11th)
Top Scorer: MsJollyRancher - 477
5 Token Attack Req: 34
PEASANTS
Position: 11th
Hits: 45,756 (12th)
Hits Per Member: 75.7 (10th)
Hits Per Hour: 511 (11th)
Hits Per Hour Per Member: 0.84 (7th)
Top Scorer: Silver_Rose - 500
5 Token Attack Req: 31
HEAVYWEIGHTS
Position: 12th
Hits: 46,921 (11th)
Hits Per Member: 65 (12th)
Hits Per Hour: 834 (1st)
Hits Per Hour Per Member: 1.14 (1st)
Top Scorer: realistassasin - 445
5 Token Attack Req: 27
TOP SCORERS
The 2020 top hitters list was drenched in Sea Men, with six of their now flaccid members occupying the top ten spots. But the headline news is that Drieke of Victorious Secret is the new Elimination record-holder for the most successful attacks made during the competition. His phenomenal tally of 1,676 beats Whiskey_Jack's 2019 record of 1,560 by 116. Congratulations Drieke!
1st - Drieke - Victorious - 1,676
2nd - Jello - Sea Men - 1,500
3rd - Lalop - Victorious - 1,364
4th - Green - Sea Men - 1,246
5th - Gloin - Sea Men - 1,244
6th - Indubitably - ST6 - 1,203
7th - Karty - Sea Men - 1,189
8th - Iogiet - Sea Men - 1,165
9th - Alyssia - Sea Men - 1,162
10th - Waga - Hornets - 1,150
THE FINAL GOSSIP COLUMN
THE ENDING WE DESERVED
Both SM and VS reportedly asked the Total Bankers if they would fight the other side for $750k per hit. Possible enquires started around 4am TCT on the 20/9, when one of the Bankers' leaders insinuated they might have a good attack contract with one of the teams.
There was a huge discussion about this in the TB Discord, during which Lilith was said to have been particularly outspoken against the idea of selling their loyalty. She apparently also pointed out that if TB had made it to the final three, Sea Men and Victorious Secret would've likely teamed up against them "for obvious reasons."
I am too tired to find out what those reasons were.
THE SECOND ENDING WE DESERVED
Kuro of VS shared an image which suggests that Murder Hornets offered their help to get them to first place in exchange for 12 Stat Enhancers. Nobody is quite sure if they were serious or not.
HELL HAS FROZEN OVER
Dekloren praises Ched for the servers staying reliable. 2020 is so f***ed. What next? ralucakiss84 being a trustworthy and decent citizen?
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Ralucakiss84 repeatedly trolled their own team's chat on the final day, expressing annoyance at the tactics VS leaders had used. An anonymous Secret also hit out against the donation drive run on the final day and wondered if shenanigans were taking place.
"Nothing has been said thus far, bit Kuro & leadership were asking for more donations yesterday before the final 2 kicked off. I think the leadership between the 2, being as there's a common faction in both, made an agreement. I think they were trying to see how much they could profit & the winner was already set. There was no logical reason to let seaman get the lead they had."
four quashed these scandalous rumours by saying he's seen none of these funds, and personally spent $300m of his own money during the tournament. He added that any leftover donations would be distributed back to their donators.
YES, I CAN
REVIVE COSTS ESTIMATED
In a screenshot we linked earlier, Victorious Secret's four suggested that Sea Men had a revive operation costing between $5-10 billion. XAsukaX of the Sea Men admitted to us that she personally spent $3.5bn on revive costs during their victorious campaign, so four's upper estimate of $10bn looks like it could be rather conservative.
viloent_j claims to be one of the revivers used by Sea Men and professes to have performed over 1,000 revives during Elimination. They also claim that Victorious Secret hired them on a contract towards the end of the competition too.
Honigbiene was another reviver involved, and they provided the following comment on the final day of hostilities.
"VS getting their ass kicked.., I offered my refills to seamen and did around 520 revives today on VS so Sea Men could kick them right back to hospital..."
EVERYONE WENT CLUBBING
A member of Seal Team Six says that it was obvious to everyone but their leadership that nobody was truly on their side before or after their late-game flip. The anonymous seal claimed that Karma, Terror and the Hornets were overfarming their tickets before Hornets switched. And when the Seals followed Hornets to Dirty Sexy Money, Sea Men started railing on them too.
"It never really felt like we could have been safe. I think we should have stayed with the alliance and taken out MH before returning back to SM, and I think if we were going to go out, it should have been with honor, not with a last-minute switch."
SEA MEN HONOURED BY QUEEN
VIKINGS SPILL
Clitasaurus contacted the Times to share another one of MeanMike's persuasive messages. And fellow Viking leader Whis makes it abundantly clear that their side was never going to flip over to Dirty Sexy Money, while also defending themainman from accusations that she was trying to sell them out.
"Neither mainman, nor any of our leadership team had any intentions of flipping to the bankers. We were mostly curious how desperate he was. In the end, it just seems like Mike is sour about how he lost, and how our team (members not leadership) voted to die rather than flip to them."
"I feel awful about the flack mainman is getting. Cause as someone who worked with her leading Vikings through the comp. It was very obviously her messing with Mike when she asked that. Since we all (leadership) agreed flipping to bankers was never an option, and none of us would ever agree to it."
HOW MANY NOW?
Speaking of MeanMike, one player wondered if Mike's assertion that he's only ever told one lie in the history of the Elimination includes this little fib.
"Does the "we're not stacked" count in the "lies counter" of Mike?"
YOUNG PLAYERS, BIG HITTERS
Several young players deserve a shout-out for their supreme efforts in this year's tournament.
Aaassh of Victorious Secret is only 141 days old today, yet managed to stay on their team's first page with an astonishing 888 attacks. Teammates Seintz and takash1 also scored over 800 attacks each, with both being under 300 days old.
Kandge of Sea Men also did well to get 860 attacks at 239 days, as did Link- of Murder Hornets with their 808 total at 334 days. Nosk was the standout performer in Karma Farmers, ranking third in their entire team with 953 hits at an age of 392. Another mention must go to Maziqueen, who got 341 hits at 107 days old.
Renzo of Terror Bytes did well to get 711 attacks at 126 days old, as did DUDE, who scored 733 attacks despite only being able to bench 20kg. Over at ST6, the 131-day old Sarosv stayed on his team's first page with 633 attacks. Meanwhile, the Total Bankers were bolstered by the efforts of HTEVE_SOLT and Animal_Mother, who got 708 and 641 at 252 and 357 days old.
Dromedan stood out among The Vikings, having performed 513 attacks at 525 days old and with a level of just 15. Osravan was even more impressive at Toothpaste, scoring 590 aged 220 days to gain second-place on their leaderboard. Dockeart of Pandemic was also second-top-scorer for their team, having made 457 attacks aged 230.
Over at the Peasants, Lord-Farquaad grabbed 313 wins at 317 days. And finally, 552-day-old Austral's total of 389 for the Heavyweights was good enough for fourth-spot, but SungJinWoo also deserves a mention for getting 279 attacks in at 101 days.
Well done to all of these players and anyone else who we haven't mentioned but feels like they should be. It's not that you didn't do well, it's just this article is getting very long now, and I need to go for a haircut.
ALTERNATIVE FINAL TABLE
Here's an alternative results page courtesy of Smokey123 with some more appropriate verbs thrown in.
A FINAL THANK YOU
I want to end by thanking all of those who supplied me with gossip over the past few weeks. I hope my donator packs serve you well and that your various betrayals are never discovered by your friends or factionmates. For reference, here is a full list of my sources:
REDACTED
REDACTED
REDACTED
REDACTED
REDACTED
REDACTED
REDACTED
Original article
Comments
Post a Comment