sugarvalves [1963573] —
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Elimination betrayer, CONFESS! False bountier, CONFESS! Homewrecker, CONFESS! Succubus, CONFESS! Emotional torturer, CONFESS! Dog Tag trickster, CONFESS!
Pastor Williams was intrigued to see yet another buffoon confess a forthcoming vault theft this month. Of course, the Pastor was obliged to inform the poor simpleton's faction, and he assures us that this fate will befall any who confess future sins to his Excellency. Only those who have sinned already may confess, and their identities will forever be kept a secret - even if their sins are still in progress.
The Pastor's Response
"There are no secrets that time does not reveal." - Jean Racine
Betrayal and deception are commonplace during Elimination, but those whose duplicity is revealed are sure to be tainted with their crimes forevermore. Whatever your "friend" is paying you, it cannot be worth your reputation and the consequences should your misdeeds become public - and given the plethora of clues in your statement, I imagine it's only a matter of time before that happens.
Given you have already sold out your team, my suggestion would be to feed your "friend" false information for the duration of the event. And I would urge you to consider whether a true "friend" would ever ask such a thing of you.
Be prepared for exposure, my unfaithful child.
The Pastor's Response
"It only takes one match to ignite a haystack, or one remark to fire a mind." - Lawrence Durrell
Our confessor has not considered the fact that while fireworks are fun to watch, they can easily set you alight if you return to them. Your little bounty scheme may have caused you some amusement, but will it be so hilarious when everyone does this? Having promoted your ruse via the Torn City Times, it seems likely that you may see a few copycats soon enough. And then what will you do?
I believe you must confess your sins to Global this instant, and allow the wastrels and miscreants who reside there to decide on your punishment before your fireworks burn down the whole damned city.
Be forthcoming, my potentially explosive child.
The Pastor's Response
"If you start a relationship being the other woman, you will never be the only woman." - Literally every woman on Facebook
I have heard many a tale of marriages broken by Torn City, but mostly this is due to the husband's spousal neglect in favor of finishing off yet another chain at 3am instead of giving his wife "the good stuff". In this instance, it appears you are using your private island to help you become a homewrecker, with the forlorn hope of wooing this man away from his beloved and towards you. Is this a realistic goal? Are you really able to compete with this woman by offering her boyfriend vault access, when she can give him the real thing?
Pleasures of the self are usually a sin, but in this instance, I insist you leave this man alone, sign up for a dating site, and purchase yourself a "back massager" online.
Be well, my soon to be vibrating child.
The Pastor's Response
"I ain't sayin she a gold digger, but she ain't messing with no broke n****s." - Kanye Omari West
If you one day hope to marry someone for genuine love, I would caution against this behavior lest it sullies your good name. Then again, it seems you view marriage as a financial opportunity, and so, since a fool and his money are soon parted, why not challenge yourself and marry a woman instead? This is 2020 after all, and we live in the age of equality.
I proclaim you must divorce your present beloved and marry a woman - a real one - and con her out of her money too. Do this twice, and all will be forgiven.
Be experimental, my deceptive child.
The Pastor's Response
"Fake friends are like pennies, two-faced and worthless. True friends are like bras, they pick you up when you are hanging." - Your Aunty, probably.
This may seem like good fun now, but what if your victim discovers your evil deeds? I imagine you'll feel terrible after a while, and at your lowest ebb, perhaps when your wife has left you and you've put on a little weight, you will remember what you did to this poor sap, and it will eat away your insides like Super-Ebola. You are clearly the kind of person who tortures insects for pleasure. I must confess, I hate you with every ounce of my being for the acts you have admitted to me.
Yet still, it is my duty to guide you. My suggestion is to continue the subterfuge, but gradually reduce the bounties. Inform your friend you are taking care of their problem, and see how grateful they are when you succeed.
Be better, my heartless child.
The Pastor's Response
"Blood makes you related, loyalty makes you family." - Your sister's lower back tattoo.
You seem confident that your family member does not know of your treachery. I do not share your conviction. I believe that your friend knows of what you did, and is merely too disappointed to confront you. Either that, or they are impenetrably stupid, and you have taken advantage of an imbecile.
Regardless, I believe that your recompense must be performed during this year's Dog Tags tournament. You shall collect as many tags as you can during the event, and then allow your friend to take each and every one of them - including yours - on the final day of the tournament.
Be loyal, my soon-to-be-tagless child.
FALSE CONFESSORS
There was but one false confessor this month who I deemed worthy of exposure. His name is Keilion, and he confessed to a desire for relations with his mother.
CONFESS YOUR SINS
Each of our genuine confessors will now receive a Donator Pack to mark their passing from sinner to saint. If you would like to confess your sins anonymously, make sure you've already performed your terrible deeds before you contact me. And then, send in your sin to the TCT's Tell Your Story section. Keep it short, sweet, and believable, and you too may be featured in next month's confessional column.
The Pastor's Response
"There are no secrets that time does not reveal." - Jean Racine
Betrayal and deception are commonplace during Elimination, but those whose duplicity is revealed are sure to be tainted with their crimes forevermore. Whatever your "friend" is paying you, it cannot be worth your reputation and the consequences should your misdeeds become public - and given the plethora of clues in your statement, I imagine it's only a matter of time before that happens.
Given you have already sold out your team, my suggestion would be to feed your "friend" false information for the duration of the event. And I would urge you to consider whether a true "friend" would ever ask such a thing of you.
Be prepared for exposure, my unfaithful child.
The Pastor's Response
"It only takes one match to ignite a haystack, or one remark to fire a mind." - Lawrence Durrell
Our confessor has not considered the fact that while fireworks are fun to watch, they can easily set you alight if you return to them. Your little bounty scheme may have caused you some amusement, but will it be so hilarious when everyone does this? Having promoted your ruse via the Torn City Times, it seems likely that you may see a few copycats soon enough. And then what will you do?
I believe you must confess your sins to Global this instant, and allow the wastrels and miscreants who reside there to decide on your punishment before your fireworks burn down the whole damned city.
Be forthcoming, my potentially explosive child.
The Pastor's Response
"If you start a relationship being the other woman, you will never be the only woman." - Literally every woman on Facebook
I have heard many a tale of marriages broken by Torn City, but mostly this is due to the husband's spousal neglect in favor of finishing off yet another chain at 3am instead of giving his wife "the good stuff". In this instance, it appears you are using your private island to help you become a homewrecker, with the forlorn hope of wooing this man away from his beloved and towards you. Is this a realistic goal? Are you really able to compete with this woman by offering her boyfriend vault access, when she can give him the real thing?
Pleasures of the self are usually a sin, but in this instance, I insist you leave this man alone, sign up for a dating site, and purchase yourself a "back massager" online.
Be well, my soon to be vibrating child.
The Pastor's Response
"I ain't sayin she a gold digger, but she ain't messing with no broke n****s." - Kanye Omari West
If you one day hope to marry someone for genuine love, I would caution against this behavior lest it sullies your good name. Then again, it seems you view marriage as a financial opportunity, and so, since a fool and his money are soon parted, why not challenge yourself and marry a woman instead? This is 2020 after all, and we live in the age of equality.
I proclaim you must divorce your present beloved and marry a woman - a real one - and con her out of her money too. Do this twice, and all will be forgiven.
Be experimental, my deceptive child.
The Pastor's Response
"Fake friends are like pennies, two-faced and worthless. True friends are like bras, they pick you up when you are hanging." - Your Aunty, probably.
This may seem like good fun now, but what if your victim discovers your evil deeds? I imagine you'll feel terrible after a while, and at your lowest ebb, perhaps when your wife has left you and you've put on a little weight, you will remember what you did to this poor sap, and it will eat away your insides like Super-Ebola. You are clearly the kind of person who tortures insects for pleasure. I must confess, I hate you with every ounce of my being for the acts you have admitted to me.
Yet still, it is my duty to guide you. My suggestion is to continue the subterfuge, but gradually reduce the bounties. Inform your friend you are taking care of their problem, and see how grateful they are when you succeed.
Be better, my heartless child.
The Pastor's Response
"Blood makes you related, loyalty makes you family." - Your sister's lower back tattoo.
You seem confident that your family member does not know of your treachery. I do not share your conviction. I believe that your friend knows of what you did, and is merely too disappointed to confront you. Either that, or they are impenetrably stupid, and you have taken advantage of an imbecile.
Regardless, I believe that your recompense must be performed during this year's Dog Tags tournament. You shall collect as many tags as you can during the event, and then allow your friend to take each and every one of them - including yours - on the final day of the tournament.
Be loyal, my soon-to-be-tagless child.
FALSE CONFESSORS
There was but one false confessor this month who I deemed worthy of exposure. His name is Keilion, and he confessed to a desire for relations with his mother.
CONFESS YOUR SINS
Each of our genuine confessors will now receive a Donator Pack to mark their passing from sinner to saint. If you would like to confess your sins anonymously, make sure you've already performed your terrible deeds before you contact me. And then, send in your sin to the TCT's Tell Your Story section. Keep it short, sweet, and believable, and you too may be featured in next month's confessional column.
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