sugarvalves [1963573] —
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Vault desirer, CONFESS! Idiot mugger, CONFESS! Trading trickster, CONFESS! Big spender, CONFESS! Rent payer, CONFESS! Wife abandoner, CONFESS!
Let us begin this month's column with a confession of my own. I, Father Williams, see many ills and injustices on a daily basis. And yet, I have been made aware of how blind I am to the experiences of one group in particular - the blind.
Those with restricted vision are numerous in Torn - a fact made evident by the horrendous outfits many of you deem appropriate to wear in polite company. However, the blind are prevented from reading our monthly confessionals in full, as their screen readers are incompatible with the text-laden images we use to convey your messages of sin.
To remedy the issue, from this day forth, we shall publish your confessions in text below the image. This will allow those with impaired vision the chance to pass moral judgement upon you wretches along with the rest of us. And really, is there a greater gift that one can give to another than a false sense of superiority? I think not.
Hark! Is that a fresh confession I hear? Then let us waste no time and pontificate upon the sins of the guilty with immediacy.
"I have recently been promoted to banker status in Faction. I have seen reports of people stealing a whole faction bank and walking away. Not to say it hasn't crossed my mind a few times...I must repent my bad thoughts!"
The Pastor's Response
"Bad thoughts quickly ripen into bad actions." - Beilby Porteus
I take a dim view of those who would confess to acts they hope to commit in future, and have on many occasions reported potential vault thieves to their factions. However, your sin is not one of theft or boastfulness, but of self-loathing.
Each of us thinks awful thoughts on a daily basis - I myself imagine hurling babies onto train tracks every Tuesday morning - but these thoughts have a purpose, as the revulsion you feel upon thinking such things prevent you from acting upon them. To repent, you must simply continue to contemplate the consequences of stealing from your faction, as this, and this alone will prevent you from following through with your dastardly deed.
Be ponderous, my financially responsible child.
"I am an absolute idiot and mugged sugarvalves before remembering it was $1 and not usual price."
The Pastor's Response
"Think before you act; think twice before you speak." - Thomas Browne
In case you are wondering to what the confessor is referring, our anonymous assailant sent this message during Torn's Black Friday event. On Friday the 27th of November, bazaar owners across Torn agreed to sell various items for $1 to the general public. Sugarvalves, the editor of the Torn City Times and the city's resident event monkey, joined in this event. Some of his items were worth billions of dollars, and it appears our confessor erroneously believed that Sugarvalves would somehow have a great deal of cash on him, despite him selling things for a dollar.
While Torn itself is a City, I do believe we've found our latest village idiot. I shall task this aggressively stupid fool with a single instruction; retake each of the eleven mathematical courses, lest your stupidity displease the Lord by infecting others.
Learn more, my dyscalculic child.
"Back in my (early) torn days I had this nub trading with me. every time he would set trade he would add the money along with his items. I didn’t have the heart to tell him."
The Pastor's Response
"You can't always be nice. That's how people take advantage of you." - Unknown
On the surface, this confession may seem to be rooted in deception, given that a new citizen was deprived of money by one with greater knowledge. But knowledge is forged through experience, and the day this "nub" realised their mistake would have been the day they decided to triple check their trades from there-on. Your sin, therefore, is not one of mischief, but of excess compassion.
You must remedy this by trading with ten new players today. And if any should be so foolish as to place money and items in the trade, it is your duty as a citizen to educate them through experience. Do this, and be free of sin.
Trade away, my empathetic child.
"A few months back I tried to get my wife to play Torn. I was not thinking about the details of what might happen if she did start to play daily and learn about Torn. Well about a week into her playing she asked me why my name was blue and her's was not. I had to lie and lie quick. I ended up telling her that I did a Duke mission and bought it with credits. Luckily she didn't play very long otherwise I would be a dead man right now. Basically what I am saying is that when in trouble, blame Duke."
The Pastor's Response
"Lying is one of the quickest ways to ruin a beautiful relationship." - Anonymous
Marriage is sacred, and while it is wonderful that you wanted to share your Torn life with your spouse, you must act quickly to remedy the situation lest she discover your ruse. Since blue names are allocated to those who have spent at least $1,000 in Torn City, you must now spend an equal amount on your wife to honour her in the eyes of the bearded lady Jesus.
Alas, as a man who is devoted solely to the Almighty, I cannot advise on what to purchase for a woman - the Lord hath only ever asked me for dedication and piety, never lingerie, or a spa break for two.
Purchase wisely, my emasculated child.
"Someone in new player chat gave me $1 million to help me pay rent on my palace. After I received the money I went to the casino and gambled it away."
The Pastor's Response
“Pull the hair on my head the wrong way, and I would be on my knees begging for mercy. I have very sensitive follicles.” - Benedict Cumberbatch
Beggars can be choosers, as once a sum of money is donated to you, it is up to you to decide on what it must be spent. A man of the cloth I may be, but that cloth is red, the colour of socialism, hence my distaste for Landlords. By paying for rent, you would be merely lining the pockets of the Palace owner. Conversely, by chancing your arm in the Casino, you gave yourself an opportunity for greater riches. It is the Lord's will that you may repent for the sin of paying rent by refusing to pay it forevermore.
Be burdensome, my illegally squatting child.
"My gf got jealous and found out I had a Torn wife. I told her if she played then she can be my Torn wife, and she joined, but then I told her she needed to be level 10 before I can wed her. She earned my heart for her truly dedicated playing to become my wifey. I put an Ad in the Torn newspaper after our wedding ceremony, to commemorate our marriage in Torn City."
"I was saddened when I told my first Torn partner that I was getting a divorce, and I'm deeply sorry for leaving her and failing to be a true Torn husband. Please forgive my sins! How can I atone!?"
The Pastor's Response
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." - Oscar Wilde
This is yet another example of why celibate basement dwellers are the lifeblood of Torn City, for such isolated individuals have no wives to disrupt the pursuit of online excellence. Would one's real-life employer complain that you have a job in Torn City? Only if your work here impacted your work for them, I imagine.
Ergo, it is my assessment that you must have neglected your real-life wife for your Torn wife. Therefore, you must embark on copious amounts of copulation with your real wife, to the point where she is distracted from Torn entirely, leaving you free to remarry your original spouse. A satisfied wife is a silent wife.
Be amorous, my neglectful child.
CONFESS YOUR SINS
Those who wish to confess their sins for salvation and a Donator Pack may do so via the Torn City Times' Tell Your Story feature. Until next time, my children, be well, and be wary of false profits.
Those with restricted vision are numerous in Torn - a fact made evident by the horrendous outfits many of you deem appropriate to wear in polite company. However, the blind are prevented from reading our monthly confessionals in full, as their screen readers are incompatible with the text-laden images we use to convey your messages of sin.
To remedy the issue, from this day forth, we shall publish your confessions in text below the image. This will allow those with impaired vision the chance to pass moral judgement upon you wretches along with the rest of us. And really, is there a greater gift that one can give to another than a false sense of superiority? I think not.
Hark! Is that a fresh confession I hear? Then let us waste no time and pontificate upon the sins of the guilty with immediacy.
"I have recently been promoted to banker status in Faction. I have seen reports of people stealing a whole faction bank and walking away. Not to say it hasn't crossed my mind a few times...I must repent my bad thoughts!"
The Pastor's Response
"Bad thoughts quickly ripen into bad actions." - Beilby Porteus
I take a dim view of those who would confess to acts they hope to commit in future, and have on many occasions reported potential vault thieves to their factions. However, your sin is not one of theft or boastfulness, but of self-loathing.
Each of us thinks awful thoughts on a daily basis - I myself imagine hurling babies onto train tracks every Tuesday morning - but these thoughts have a purpose, as the revulsion you feel upon thinking such things prevent you from acting upon them. To repent, you must simply continue to contemplate the consequences of stealing from your faction, as this, and this alone will prevent you from following through with your dastardly deed.
Be ponderous, my financially responsible child.
"I am an absolute idiot and mugged sugarvalves before remembering it was $1 and not usual price."
The Pastor's Response
"Think before you act; think twice before you speak." - Thomas Browne
In case you are wondering to what the confessor is referring, our anonymous assailant sent this message during Torn's Black Friday event. On Friday the 27th of November, bazaar owners across Torn agreed to sell various items for $1 to the general public. Sugarvalves, the editor of the Torn City Times and the city's resident event monkey, joined in this event. Some of his items were worth billions of dollars, and it appears our confessor erroneously believed that Sugarvalves would somehow have a great deal of cash on him, despite him selling things for a dollar.
While Torn itself is a City, I do believe we've found our latest village idiot. I shall task this aggressively stupid fool with a single instruction; retake each of the eleven mathematical courses, lest your stupidity displease the Lord by infecting others.
Learn more, my dyscalculic child.
"Back in my (early) torn days I had this nub trading with me. every time he would set trade he would add the money along with his items. I didn’t have the heart to tell him."
The Pastor's Response
"You can't always be nice. That's how people take advantage of you." - Unknown
On the surface, this confession may seem to be rooted in deception, given that a new citizen was deprived of money by one with greater knowledge. But knowledge is forged through experience, and the day this "nub" realised their mistake would have been the day they decided to triple check their trades from there-on. Your sin, therefore, is not one of mischief, but of excess compassion.
You must remedy this by trading with ten new players today. And if any should be so foolish as to place money and items in the trade, it is your duty as a citizen to educate them through experience. Do this, and be free of sin.
Trade away, my empathetic child.
"A few months back I tried to get my wife to play Torn. I was not thinking about the details of what might happen if she did start to play daily and learn about Torn. Well about a week into her playing she asked me why my name was blue and her's was not. I had to lie and lie quick. I ended up telling her that I did a Duke mission and bought it with credits. Luckily she didn't play very long otherwise I would be a dead man right now. Basically what I am saying is that when in trouble, blame Duke."
The Pastor's Response
"Lying is one of the quickest ways to ruin a beautiful relationship." - Anonymous
Marriage is sacred, and while it is wonderful that you wanted to share your Torn life with your spouse, you must act quickly to remedy the situation lest she discover your ruse. Since blue names are allocated to those who have spent at least $1,000 in Torn City, you must now spend an equal amount on your wife to honour her in the eyes of the bearded lady Jesus.
Alas, as a man who is devoted solely to the Almighty, I cannot advise on what to purchase for a woman - the Lord hath only ever asked me for dedication and piety, never lingerie, or a spa break for two.
Purchase wisely, my emasculated child.
"Someone in new player chat gave me $1 million to help me pay rent on my palace. After I received the money I went to the casino and gambled it away."
The Pastor's Response
“Pull the hair on my head the wrong way, and I would be on my knees begging for mercy. I have very sensitive follicles.” - Benedict Cumberbatch
Beggars can be choosers, as once a sum of money is donated to you, it is up to you to decide on what it must be spent. A man of the cloth I may be, but that cloth is red, the colour of socialism, hence my distaste for Landlords. By paying for rent, you would be merely lining the pockets of the Palace owner. Conversely, by chancing your arm in the Casino, you gave yourself an opportunity for greater riches. It is the Lord's will that you may repent for the sin of paying rent by refusing to pay it forevermore.
Be burdensome, my illegally squatting child.
"My gf got jealous and found out I had a Torn wife. I told her if she played then she can be my Torn wife, and she joined, but then I told her she needed to be level 10 before I can wed her. She earned my heart for her truly dedicated playing to become my wifey. I put an Ad in the Torn newspaper after our wedding ceremony, to commemorate our marriage in Torn City."
"I was saddened when I told my first Torn partner that I was getting a divorce, and I'm deeply sorry for leaving her and failing to be a true Torn husband. Please forgive my sins! How can I atone!?"
The Pastor's Response
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." - Oscar Wilde
This is yet another example of why celibate basement dwellers are the lifeblood of Torn City, for such isolated individuals have no wives to disrupt the pursuit of online excellence. Would one's real-life employer complain that you have a job in Torn City? Only if your work here impacted your work for them, I imagine.
Ergo, it is my assessment that you must have neglected your real-life wife for your Torn wife. Therefore, you must embark on copious amounts of copulation with your real wife, to the point where she is distracted from Torn entirely, leaving you free to remarry your original spouse. A satisfied wife is a silent wife.
Be amorous, my neglectful child.
CONFESS YOUR SINS
Those who wish to confess their sins for salvation and a Donator Pack may do so via the Torn City Times' Tell Your Story feature. Until next time, my children, be well, and be wary of false profits.
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