sugarvalves [1963573] —
Original article
Which faction broke a chain record? How have Relentless bounced back? Which of Torn's territories has seen the most wars? And is Animal Kingdom limping onwards? Find out in this month's Local News.
Things have happened. They cannot unhappen. Read on to find out which things have happened lately, what is going to happen soon, and why the hell things just won't stop happening in this month's edition of the Torn City Local News.
VALENTINE'S DAY VIOLENCE
This year's Valentine's Day was the most violent yet, with a new record of 601,905 attacks made on the 14th of February alone - the previous record was 474,160 which was set on the 31st of October 2020 during the Trick or Treat event. Look at that big blue spike on the right. That's the one that caused you so much pain last weekend.
Pictured: Pointy spike go ouchy in computer brain.
9,348 bottles of Love Juice were consumed over the Valentine's Day event, with most of these seemingly being drunk over the first 24 hours. We know this because the LJ circulation graph actually dipped on the 13th, despite thousands of new bottles entering circulation when spawning at the Docks.
Pictured: A graph that looks like something being thrown and making a satisfying 'b-doink' sound.
NEW CHAINING RECORD SET
No fewer than twenty successful 25k chains were started on Valentine's Day, with numerous other 10k, 5k, and 2.5k also achieved by factions for the first time. But the most significant chain of all was completed by PT-Family, who broke the record for the fastest 25k of all time.
The previous chaining record was held by PT-Calculated, who knocked out a 25k last Valentine's Day in 1 day, 23 hours, and 4 minutes. This means that PT-Family has shaved an impressive 3 hours and 56 minutes off the record, despite the fact that they were using a nerfed version of Love Juice this time around. PT-Family leader xanty explains how they achieved their record-breaking chain.
"Since PT-F is the main faction of PT group we have a tendency to war a lot, and for that purpose, most of our members are in farms/candles/restaurants and everyone was well stocked up of Job Points, FHC's and energy cans. We also advised members to use 4-6 Love juices instead of xanax to not take any risk of OD'ing, because we really wanted to beat the record."
"PT-Family also took the chance and with the momentum of Valentine's boost to speedran through Vulpes and Savage plague, with the help of PT-Calculated and our trustworthy friends of ShadowRazers (SR), The Black Pearl (tBP) and Romania Elite Kommando (REK). After WolfPack landed their 5k bonus on PT-F, we decided to drop their chain ... which happened 250 hits later."
Pictured: Image courtesy of daCampa
Xanty told The Times that they started to plan their record in November, but they put things on hold after the Valentine's Day event disappeared from the calendar. When the winter newsletter revealed that V-Day would return, PT decided to train by doing a 10k warmup chain in January. This preparation clearly paid off, as daCampa's analysis reveals.
"We earned over 440k respect across the 3 factions, given the lack of war hits this is damn good, with the average hit giving nearly 6 respect. In F and C's case, the average respect per hit is over 6.5, super solid for regular hits."
PT leader xanty says they aim to do even better next year, but for now, he believes that his faction should bask in the glory of achievement.
"...what mattered was that WE DID IT! The sensation of reaching the goals is the best! We couldn't have done it without the outstanding members we have!"
I DID NOT NEED TO KNOW THAT, PART 1
To compile this article, we put out a headline on the news ticker asking for Valentine's stories. We really should've clarified that this was an opportunity to share your faction's in-game activities, not blow your own trumpet about how you got your trumpet blown.
VALENTINE'S CHAINS
LONDON was the first faction to start a 25k attempt during the Valentine's Day event, earning 123,378 respect from a chain that began just 18 seconds after Love Juice kicked in at noon on the 13th. Their chain was completed 2 days, 21 hours, 7 minutes, and 10 seconds later at 09:07.28 on the 16th.
Natural Selection II jumped the gun by starting their own successful 25k at 11:59.31, but they took fourteen hours more than LONDON to finish it. 39th Street Killers X win the award for longevity though, as when their 25k chain was completed at 18:02 on Tuesday, it had taken them almost exactly six days, having begun their quest at 17:52 on the 10th.
For comparison, the longest ever 25k chain was performed by Nub Army, who took 15 days, 11 hours, and 35 minutes in May of 2020. Nice tantric chain lads, did Sting teach you that?
Pictured: Slow and steady wins... well... not the race... but something?
The most respect earned by a 25k chain during Valentine's was 214,115, which was achieved by Vinerri, who were initially aiming for just a 10k chain. Here is a list of all the factions who completed a 25k over Valentine's Day, in order of the total respect earned. All links take you to the faction's respective chain report unless the newspaper goblin decides to delete them for fun again.
Vinerri - 214,115
Natural Selection - 180,760
Natural Selection II - 175,779
ShadowRazers - 166,321
PT-Calculated - 164,791
Natural Selection III - 164,250
Destructive Anomaly - 163,619
INFINITE DIMENSION - 155,735
39th Street Killers X - 154,164
Dead or Alive - 150,134
Bloodbath and Beyond - 149,313
PT-IronHearts - 146,023
UnLeashed - 145,504
Winter is Coming - 141,265
The Next Level - 139,748
HAKA - 137,161
Dystopia - 133,579
Nuclear Armageddon - 131,834
LONDON - 123,378
Sport Club - 115,585
The Masters - 115,205
HAKA passed the 5 million respect mark thanks to their 25k chain, as did Nuclear Armageddon. One anonymous NA member wanted to use this opportunity to gloat mercilessly at the expense of their radioactive rivals.
"Even though a faction who rhymes with Unclear Glass dropped their chain, Nuclear Armageddon got their 25k chain done after a long grueling 3 days 7 hours and 6 minutes."
MAKE A MAP UPDATE
Just a quick note to say that we are still in the process of judging the Make a Map competition which ended in early January. There are three pages of Christmas Town maps for myself and the other judges to go through, and given the time and effort you have all put into them (and the value of the prizes) we felt it would be unfair to rush our decision. We hope to have our final selection drawn up soon, and the winners will be notified shortly after that.
Or longly after that, if it takes us longer.
UNDER 25K IS A-OK
This is another chain-heavy part of this article, so if you don't care about such things, feel free to move on to the next bit. However, we believe that the occasion of a faction's first chain of any value is worth mentioning, and it seems many of you agree, as several proud faction members wrote in to tell us of their attacking achievements this Valentine's Day.
LtDangle says that ReactoR was able to complete their first-ever 10k chain during this V-Day. And DazzyWazzy of WhiteRabbits told us that they also managed to achieve this, with their 10k taking 36 hours in total. Elsewhere, Epic Mafia managed to grab their first 2.5k chain, with 17 of their members also gaining their 100 chain and 100 hit merits. QuietSilence told The Times that this chaining success was most welcome indeed, after their recent involvement in the war in the east had left them deflated.
"It was a great fun time. Was really a great thing after the eastern war that devastated us we went from 12 territories down to 1 there at the end of it until FTW finally moved on. No 1 really talked about epic mafia much but we were by far the faction that took most of the heat in that war."
Another faction to hit a 2.5k was Stoners Reeking Havoc, whose co-leader iDonkey told The Times that they achieved this in roughly the same time as their previous 1k chain. They also managed to combine their chain with the acquisition of a few territories too!
"In addition to the V-Day chain, we have also been involved with multiple TT wars in our area of the map, which has also afforded us opportunities for expansion. Every step up the ladder of success we take brings us a little closer to our goal of becoming a H.O.F. Faction."
Legacy was another faction that managed to hit 2.5k, with a chain time of 9 hours 39 minutes - something one of their members, fire_16, called a fantastic improvement. Legacy's leader, CarlFredricksen, also revealed that his faction celebrated in a Valentine's-appropriate manner.
"We managed to hit our first 2.5k chain with the help of our Sergeant at Arms RyanTheHoof and had a couple of new torn Marriages (with complimentary Island rentals for all that e-secks)"
And finally, GeekLord of Committed2Crime revealed how his faction also managed to hit 2.5k, despite not even planning for a chain.
"We started around 12 tct on 14th feb. Reached 800 hits at around 16 tct. I called it a day and asked my faction mates to make the baby go upto 1k at least. I woke up the next day and these mad criminals had still the chain on at around 1.5k (1.30 tct). then we saw it reach 2.5k around 11.30 tct next day.
That's 2.5k in 23.5 hours damn!!"
"It was completely unplanned with no prior decision of who will be chain sitting and when, it was just pure excitement and coordination of an entire faction."
I DID NOT NEED TO KNOW THAT, PART 2
DONATOR PACKS
Are you one of thosescumbags scammers perfectly reasonable people who try to sell Boxes of Grenades at Donator Pack prices? Then your job just got a lot slightly only a tiny bit harder, as the item images for both have been redesigned.
Pictured: If these items appear similar to you, then you need to take a long hard look in the mirror - if you are capable.
In case you are unaware, this scam begins when an unscrupulous seller posts Donator Packs for sale via their Bazaar at suspiciously low prices. When you visit their bazaar to purchase your bargain DP, your eyes will be drawn to a Box of Grenades posted at the same price as a DP, roughly $24 million, despite their value being closer to $1 million.
Because some people play Torn instinctively without thinking, manyidiots chumps poor, innocent customers are tricked into purchasing a Box of Grenades at Donator Pack prices due to the similarity between their respective images. However, that scam is now impossible less possible a tiny bit less possible thanks to the newly redesigned Supply Packs shown above.
Our Community Manager reveals that scam prevention was not the reason for this change, and it is merely a happy by-product.
"The "scamming" wasn't the reason they were changed, all supply packs were remodelled as their overall design is being reworked." - bogie
RELENTLESS RETURNS
A number of factions used Valentine's Day to score themselves new territories. Relentless bounced back from their defeat by JFK to record a string of territorial victories in their new home out in Sector 4.
Fights against The Covenant, Death From Above, and Desert Eagle all ended with R taking land from their opponents. This land included two rackets, with a level one Truck Stop at TGC adding to the level three Cannabis Factory situated rather amusingly at the THC territory.
Pictured: It's also located in sector 4, and has 20 slots. Chedburn, you sly dog.
Inside_Trader of DFA told The Times that Relentless clearly came for their rackets, but he was unsure whether his side would also be sector 7'd in the process. So far, it seems that Relentless has been merciful, and the following quote from Hank indicates that his faction has bigger fish to fry.
"We chose this area because it contained several low-level rackets and gave us a good opportunity over the last week to take them. Whilst we have carved out a space for Relentless and Helvete it’s unlikely to be our final destination. For now, this is where we sit and regroup."
Relentless' allies / subfaction / besties Helvete find themselves on the other side of the race track at present, having won territories in this area from DP Warriors over V-day. Their co-leader MrNewOrleans explains what their plans are for the future.
"Helvete has had plans to jump into sector 7 and move around the map for a while now. We'd been kicking around the idea of warring through the area since October of last year to build respect, and the current events had no real impact on our plans. We are off doing our own thing. We are having fun, and our members are moving up".
HONORED HONOR
-Princess- got in touch with the Torn City Times to ask us how many people have achieved the Honored Honor Bar. She wondered this having just seen a thread posted by BurningWinters that revealed he had been awarded the Honored Honor Bar after achieving the required 500 awards.
Before we tell you how many people have been honored with the honorable Honored Honor Bar, we've been wondering whether the existence of the Honored Honor Bar makes it impossible for any one player to have precisely 500 awards, given that upon reaching 500, you would immediately be bumped up to 501?
Honor Blackman doesn't know, because she's an actress, and is also dead. The answer to the original question of how many people have been Honored with the Honored Honor Bar is 357 at the time of writing. -Princess- indicates she would also like you to take a shot for every time we used the word Honor.
RACING RECORDS SET TO TUMBLE
Storm1968 won a Bugatti Veyron earlier this month after he won the URT Winter Rally 2021. And it seems he's been putting his prize to good use already, having spent the past few weeks trying to take some of Torn's all-time track records.
Pictured: I really should've taken that Bugatti for a spin before I handed it over.
Our champion now holds the honour of having recorded the joint-fastest lap time on the Speedway track, with his time of 26.27 seconds equalling the record set by ChristmasBazaar. He's also managed to grab the third-fastest time down at Convict, with his Bugatti helping Storm to nail a time of 59.36, just 5 hundredths behind the overall record held by Hammer.
Storm1968 has also posted some fine times in his Honda NSX too, bagging the 4th fastest time at Stone Park (01:11.71) and the joint fourth-fastest time on Vector, drawing square with JCaine with a fastest lap of 01:00.35.
One driver who won't be setting any racing records is Prehensile, who finished a highly respectable 22nd in the URT Winter Rally, but who was later placed in federal jail permanently. Prehensile's fedding came a day before he was set to be awarded $185 million in prize money for his final rally position, but this money will now be donated to player-run tournaments instead.
I DID NOT NEED TO KNOW THAT, PART 4
TERRITORY WAR STATS
It will not have gone unnoticed that the number of territorial wars being fought has increased massively this year. 544 individual territory wars have been fought during February so far (correct as of 19/02 11am TCT), and we're not even two-thirds through the month yet.
For comparison, just 362 territorial wars were fought throughout the entirety of January, and 143 in the month of December. Would you like some interesting statistics regarding territorial wars? Yes, you would, don't tell me otherwise you big fat liar. All of the following statistics were based on territory wars that took place between the 1st of December 2020 and 11am on the 19th of February.
45.4% attacks were won
16.3% of attacks failed
37.9% ended in peace treaty
0.4% ended in destruction
WAF and EAA were the most commonly disputed territories, with each subjected to eight territory wars since 1/12/20. EAA is a sector 7 territory west of the airport and is home to a Level 1 Bootleg Distillery. WAF is a sector 7 territory that borders the dump, and we have no f***ing clue why it's so popular.
The largest percentage of territory wars (25.3%) end after exactly 0.6 days. The next longest duration for a territory war is the full 3 days (17.8%). Here's a lovely little bar chart to show you the results.
Pictured: Bigger one available here.
Subversive Alliance was the most frequent aggressor from this time period, having initiated 32 territorial wars, which accounted for 3.1% of all of the territorial wars fought. Their closest rivals were IBB with 2.6%, aXiom with 2.5%, and FTW with 2.3%. The title for the most frequent territorial defender was tied between Forged Through War, Valhalla - Bound, and Little Stompers, who were each subjected to 19 assaults, or 1.8% of all territorial attacks.
Have a look at my lovely sheet below if you don't believe me. I'm sure the poindexters f***ing nerds clever clogs over at the Torn Journal of Science will derive some interesting insights from this data.
LINK TO SHEET
I DID ACTUALLY NEED TO KNOW THAT, PART 1
NS DEFIES HEADLINES
Earlier this month, the Torn City Times was given a tipoff that Switzerland was soon to be taken over by Natural Selection, with their faction members reportedly en-route to the most neutral country on Earth with the intention of locking down the nation and hospitalising all who visited.
Despite the publication of this news in the newspaper and the news ticker and on my own tummy-tum with a marker pen, many people still travelled to the country of tiny knives, Nazi gold and cuckoo clocks for some strange reason. Natural Selection's leader Stretch was naturally delighted at this, claiming that our warnings did little to reduce the impact of their latest lockdown.
"I think it may still have been one of our biggest events yet, even with all the tipoffs. The leak was of course annoying but when you communicate with so many people things are bound to happen. It still allowed our group to have a little fun and for every grumpy gus about the lockdown there are equal or more people who send messages saying how much they love the event. We will continue to find inventive ways to create fun for our membership."
Natural Selection has performed these lockdowns on several occasions now, and Stretch's comments indicate that we can expect yet another nation invasion in the not-so-distant future. If this happens, MJ_Cookie has a suggestion on how to deal with it.
Now I know what you're thinking. If you were to don the uniform of the enemy in a real-life combat situation, this would contravene Article 23f of the 1899 Hague Regulations. You know, the part that says “It is especially forbidden … to make improper use … of the national flag or of the military insignia and uniform of the enemy.” Because obviously, that would be a war crime, right?
Wrong. If you're using this method to escape the enemy, you will only incur disciplinary punishment. The more you know.
BIGGEST RAIDS
We haven't checked in on raiding for a few months, but thanks to the use of a Dirty Bomb earlier this year we now have a new leader in the list of the most destructive raids of all time. Here you are, lap up my digits you greedy stats pig.
The Equalizer 3 United 490,518 - 10,024 Subversive Alliance.
MMCP 109,769 - 383,934 Vinerri
SMTH 76,613 - 67,236 Vinerri
The Wolverines 122,045 - 9,041 Phoenix Rising
UnLeashed 100,061 - 25,788 Catalysis
Ara Pacis 51,276 - 66,970 SMTH
JFK 106,395 - 38 Unrelenting
Sykoz 66,519 - 36,962 The Chimera's Den
MMCP 93,292 - 6,949 Hyperion
NS II 48,854 - 47,186 Chain Reaction
SHORT AND SWEET
What's that? You want more Valentine's chaining news? Okay fine. The Academy wasn't able to complete any of the megachains achieved by their rivals, but CountJahDee told The Times that they did manage to do some 250 chains to enable lots of their members to obtain the strongest link merit. Congratulations to them!
"I almost didn't get the merit due to getting attacked by multiple people, but in the end, I got it with a couple of hits to spare. Sadly I wasn't able to get it to 250 for the bonus, but still, I got a merit!"
Princess-Lana, the leader of Majesty, saw her faction's members come under attack during Valentine's, and this prevented them from chaining as long as they would've liked to. Lana realized that many common levelling targets were in hospital constantly during the event, and she says they will have to prepare better training lists in the future.
"Sunday evening 8pm TCT we started chaining as planned, and reached 50 chain six times between 6 participating members, mind you that we are a young faction and actively training new and lower level players. Gaining almost 1K respect."
ANIMAL ABUSE
Itsi Bitsi Bikini used the momentum from their recent victory over Animal Kingdom to pound away at one of its members over V-day. IBB took TCE and DKD from Evolution last weekend, and have acquired five additional territories since then. MightyGoober admits that his side is torturing a wounded animal by going so hard against Evo, but he is nonetheless unrepentant.
"There hasn't been more than a couple of attacks from EVO per wall. They are already back to break specials. I truly feel bad for doing it. EVO is currently so broken, and it feels like we are just kicking them when they are down. It's Torn though and we need to expand. Can't save everyone."
SUBTERRANEAN HOMESICK BLUES
If you think you've had a bad Valentine's Day just because you spent it alone with a tube sock full of warm ham, UNDER_GROUND_KINGZ have had a worse one. UGK lost six territory fights during Valentine's Day, and a further nine since then, with the likes of Darkside, El_Condor, and The Mighty Ducks all taking land from them.
"We were assaulted by three faction not given a time to breathe and the war is going on... Their objective was to steal all our territories... We fought till the end so many got depressed and gave up... Only a few have left with some will to fight... Some didn't come online once the war start... This was a eye-opener we know who our real friends are now. We hope to find a new home and new friends... Wish us all the best." - Cindy_Witch
THE WORST DAY
Davidrk had some mighty fine plans for Valentine's Day. He stacked 1,000 energy and bought some Love Juice in anticipation of some action, despite the fact that his faction, dog_pen, had seen chaining participation drop massively over time. However, when dog_pen were attacked and lost all their sectors not long before V-day, Davidrk realised it was time to move on.
"I checked out Natural selection IV. They said come on over, so without so much as a peep, I left the dog_pen and joined NS IV. Little did I know about the 3-day wait to have my hits apply to a chain."
"Sadness ensues. I filled down the love potion anyway and used my 1000E to help break a chain of a different faction (revivers was their name or something like that) Anyway, this is the story of how I picked the worst day of the year to switch factions."
420 REGROUP
The 420 factions were having a hard time of it when last we heard, as they were being subjected to a multi-faction attack up in the northwest corner of the city. The likes of aXiom, Aperture Science, Total Domination, and In Memory of the Fallen all managed to take territory off the 420 factions throughout the first half of February, but this battle has seemingly now ended with 420's expulsion from the area.
The 420 chaps can now be found around the south-east corner of Torn, just to the east of the Docks. Their leader, Skinny-pete420 explained how this arrangement came to be.
"We had already asked members how they wanted things to play out when fallen messaged to negotiate. There was no real big moment. I'd have gone on indefinitely if it was just myself, but it's not and acceptable terms were reached for my faction."
"Now we have some time to explore the new area and plant seeds, important to start those right away for a good crop. The 420 is more cohesive than ever, been a great experience."
It is here where this story should have ended. However, an anonymous mercenary helping 420 told me there was another element at play, a rumour which, if true, casts the likes of aXiom and their allies in a most terrible light. I have been told that the alliance against 420 discovered some secret information pertaining to real-life matters that helped them defeat the 420.
Pictured: You know something's secret when the letters are stamped on.
Skinny-pete420 requested that I redact this information from my article, and I shall abide by his wishes. But if it is true that the aforementioned info was used to help take down the 420 factions, then it has to go down as one of the most heinous acts of scumbaggery ever seen in Torn City. Skinny-pete420 agrees with this assessment but magnanimously came to the defense of his enemies.
"I know it's dirty of them but I will be the first to admit there are no rules in war."
NOTE: One of the parties involved has cast doubt on these claims. We will attempt to find out more.
ANIMAL KINGDOM RESURRECTED?
It appears that we may have announced the extinction of the Animal Kingdom too early, as several breeding pairs have recently been discovered scattered about Torn City.
As we reported in our previous war article, a group of AK factions split off from the rest to head out west after their defeat by SA, IBB, and CR. Those factions include The Wolverines, Little Stompers, and The Honey Badgers, with this group having scurried off to the immediate east of the airport.
Meanwhile, WarBirds and The Nest have both pitched up on the island, with the remaining AK factions left in the west scattered around the Military Base. The scattered nature of the AK factions gave rise to a rumor that a breakup may be on the cards. Further fuel was added to the fire by Gux-'s comments in the above screenshot, whereby he described the likes of LS and HB as being the factions they "were closest to in the alliance."
However, several members of AK-affiliated factions have been in touch with The Times to tell us that their alliance is still intact. An anonymous source within The Wolverines gave me the lowdown on the current situation.
"As of now, we are still together (other than the factions you have already mentioned as leaving ak). Haven’t heard anything about anyone new joining ak either, but I’ve noticed a handful of people across ak factions leave to SA/SA affiliated facs in the last week."
Our source in Subversive Alliance confirmed to us that many AK members have joined their ranks in recent weeks. One reason for this mass defection could be that many within AK are annoyed at the inefficient way in which their leadership manages resources - specifically in regard to assists. An anonymous member of AK told me that most of their assists are organised via a central AK discord channel comprising of around 20 factions and subs, but that this often leads to extremely wasteful practices during wartime.
"Long story short, instead of 3 or 4 temp throwers from the subfactions, 10 people will dive in (most unannounced), waste heaps of E and temps, then rinse and repeat when a big hitter walks out of hosp. Some of these wall slots are costing in the tens of millions to vacate. Already seen major increases to the price of temps, and this is where that's coming from."
Pictured: An excerpt from AK's battle plans. Larger link here.
My anonymous source told me that in his opinion, too many people are keen to lend a hand, and this has led to "diseconomies of scale going on." He feels that these mistakes can be attributed to growing pains, as this is the first time AK has had a large engagement centralised in one HQ. He believes AK may learn from this and streamline how they organise dogpiles during ways.
"I think they'd be putting a lot of powerhouse factions on notice - having 100B total stats doesn't matter much if you're constantly dropped to -99% dex and def with 5 different targets alternating hits. I'm sure SA and CR have been laughing at the number of attackers hitting them on every wall though; some of these fights look like NPC attacks lol."
Another issue raised to me by another AK insider is that many of their low stat members are given a specific task other than fighting during their big wars. My source, who is a member of Warbirds Next Generation, told me that their leader insists that all of their low-stat members have the reviver perk enabled, and then forces them to spend the war reviving their comrades... for free.
"We are given free xanax for a revive, and a list of whom we shall revive. However, there is no payment, and I understand that. I am just after the merits and helping my family faction. Those who can attack can target those in the walls. Those who have low stats and can't revive are on their own."
I DID NOT NEED TO KNOW THAT, PART 5
TORN CITY TIMES SUBMISSIONS
Many of the stories you've read today were informed by news snippets sent in via the Torn City Times Tell Your Story page. If I think your story is interesting enough, and I remember to send you a Donator Pack, you will receive a Donator Pack in return for your story... if I remember, and you're not a d**k about it.
We take all kinds of gossip at the TCT, from war stories and faction drama through to interesting observations and predictions. We are also currently accepting item market tips for our next Market Report, which is due to be published early in March. And if you disagree with any of the things we've published in today's article, feel free to contact us and set the record straight by Telling Your Story.
VALENTINE'S DAY VIOLENCE
This year's Valentine's Day was the most violent yet, with a new record of 601,905 attacks made on the 14th of February alone - the previous record was 474,160 which was set on the 31st of October 2020 during the Trick or Treat event. Look at that big blue spike on the right. That's the one that caused you so much pain last weekend.
Pictured: Pointy spike go ouchy in computer brain.
9,348 bottles of Love Juice were consumed over the Valentine's Day event, with most of these seemingly being drunk over the first 24 hours. We know this because the LJ circulation graph actually dipped on the 13th, despite thousands of new bottles entering circulation when spawning at the Docks.
Pictured: A graph that looks like something being thrown and making a satisfying 'b-doink' sound.
NEW CHAINING RECORD SET
No fewer than twenty successful 25k chains were started on Valentine's Day, with numerous other 10k, 5k, and 2.5k also achieved by factions for the first time. But the most significant chain of all was completed by PT-Family, who broke the record for the fastest 25k of all time.
The previous chaining record was held by PT-Calculated, who knocked out a 25k last Valentine's Day in 1 day, 23 hours, and 4 minutes. This means that PT-Family has shaved an impressive 3 hours and 56 minutes off the record, despite the fact that they were using a nerfed version of Love Juice this time around. PT-Family leader xanty explains how they achieved their record-breaking chain.
"Since PT-F is the main faction of PT group we have a tendency to war a lot, and for that purpose, most of our members are in farms/candles/restaurants and everyone was well stocked up of Job Points, FHC's and energy cans. We also advised members to use 4-6 Love juices instead of xanax to not take any risk of OD'ing, because we really wanted to beat the record."
"PT-Family also took the chance and with the momentum of Valentine's boost to speedran through Vulpes and Savage plague, with the help of PT-Calculated and our trustworthy friends of ShadowRazers (SR), The Black Pearl (tBP) and Romania Elite Kommando (REK). After WolfPack landed their 5k bonus on PT-F, we decided to drop their chain ... which happened 250 hits later."
Pictured: Image courtesy of daCampa
Xanty told The Times that they started to plan their record in November, but they put things on hold after the Valentine's Day event disappeared from the calendar. When the winter newsletter revealed that V-Day would return, PT decided to train by doing a 10k warmup chain in January. This preparation clearly paid off, as daCampa's analysis reveals.
"We earned over 440k respect across the 3 factions, given the lack of war hits this is damn good, with the average hit giving nearly 6 respect. In F and C's case, the average respect per hit is over 6.5, super solid for regular hits."
PT leader xanty says they aim to do even better next year, but for now, he believes that his faction should bask in the glory of achievement.
"...what mattered was that WE DID IT! The sensation of reaching the goals is the best! We couldn't have done it without the outstanding members we have!"
I DID NOT NEED TO KNOW THAT, PART 1
To compile this article, we put out a headline on the news ticker asking for Valentine's stories. We really should've clarified that this was an opportunity to share your faction's in-game activities, not blow your own trumpet about how you got your trumpet blown.
VALENTINE'S CHAINS
LONDON was the first faction to start a 25k attempt during the Valentine's Day event, earning 123,378 respect from a chain that began just 18 seconds after Love Juice kicked in at noon on the 13th. Their chain was completed 2 days, 21 hours, 7 minutes, and 10 seconds later at 09:07.28 on the 16th.
Natural Selection II jumped the gun by starting their own successful 25k at 11:59.31, but they took fourteen hours more than LONDON to finish it. 39th Street Killers X win the award for longevity though, as when their 25k chain was completed at 18:02 on Tuesday, it had taken them almost exactly six days, having begun their quest at 17:52 on the 10th.
For comparison, the longest ever 25k chain was performed by Nub Army, who took 15 days, 11 hours, and 35 minutes in May of 2020. Nice tantric chain lads, did Sting teach you that?
Pictured: Slow and steady wins... well... not the race... but something?
The most respect earned by a 25k chain during Valentine's was 214,115, which was achieved by Vinerri, who were initially aiming for just a 10k chain. Here is a list of all the factions who completed a 25k over Valentine's Day, in order of the total respect earned. All links take you to the faction's respective chain report unless the newspaper goblin decides to delete them for fun again.
Vinerri - 214,115
Natural Selection - 180,760
Natural Selection II - 175,779
ShadowRazers - 166,321
PT-Calculated - 164,791
Natural Selection III - 164,250
Destructive Anomaly - 163,619
INFINITE DIMENSION - 155,735
39th Street Killers X - 154,164
Dead or Alive - 150,134
Bloodbath and Beyond - 149,313
PT-IronHearts - 146,023
UnLeashed - 145,504
Winter is Coming - 141,265
The Next Level - 139,748
HAKA - 137,161
Dystopia - 133,579
Nuclear Armageddon - 131,834
LONDON - 123,378
Sport Club - 115,585
The Masters - 115,205
HAKA passed the 5 million respect mark thanks to their 25k chain, as did Nuclear Armageddon. One anonymous NA member wanted to use this opportunity to gloat mercilessly at the expense of their radioactive rivals.
"Even though a faction who rhymes with Unclear Glass dropped their chain, Nuclear Armageddon got their 25k chain done after a long grueling 3 days 7 hours and 6 minutes."
MAKE A MAP UPDATE
Just a quick note to say that we are still in the process of judging the Make a Map competition which ended in early January. There are three pages of Christmas Town maps for myself and the other judges to go through, and given the time and effort you have all put into them (and the value of the prizes) we felt it would be unfair to rush our decision. We hope to have our final selection drawn up soon, and the winners will be notified shortly after that.
Or longly after that, if it takes us longer.
UNDER 25K IS A-OK
This is another chain-heavy part of this article, so if you don't care about such things, feel free to move on to the next bit. However, we believe that the occasion of a faction's first chain of any value is worth mentioning, and it seems many of you agree, as several proud faction members wrote in to tell us of their attacking achievements this Valentine's Day.
LtDangle says that ReactoR was able to complete their first-ever 10k chain during this V-Day. And DazzyWazzy of WhiteRabbits told us that they also managed to achieve this, with their 10k taking 36 hours in total. Elsewhere, Epic Mafia managed to grab their first 2.5k chain, with 17 of their members also gaining their 100 chain and 100 hit merits. QuietSilence told The Times that this chaining success was most welcome indeed, after their recent involvement in the war in the east had left them deflated.
"It was a great fun time. Was really a great thing after the eastern war that devastated us we went from 12 territories down to 1 there at the end of it until FTW finally moved on. No 1 really talked about epic mafia much but we were by far the faction that took most of the heat in that war."
Another faction to hit a 2.5k was Stoners Reeking Havoc, whose co-leader iDonkey told The Times that they achieved this in roughly the same time as their previous 1k chain. They also managed to combine their chain with the acquisition of a few territories too!
"In addition to the V-Day chain, we have also been involved with multiple TT wars in our area of the map, which has also afforded us opportunities for expansion. Every step up the ladder of success we take brings us a little closer to our goal of becoming a H.O.F. Faction."
Legacy was another faction that managed to hit 2.5k, with a chain time of 9 hours 39 minutes - something one of their members, fire_16, called a fantastic improvement. Legacy's leader, CarlFredricksen, also revealed that his faction celebrated in a Valentine's-appropriate manner.
"We managed to hit our first 2.5k chain with the help of our Sergeant at Arms RyanTheHoof and had a couple of new torn Marriages (with complimentary Island rentals for all that e-secks)"
And finally, GeekLord of Committed2Crime revealed how his faction also managed to hit 2.5k, despite not even planning for a chain.
"We started around 12 tct on 14th feb. Reached 800 hits at around 16 tct. I called it a day and asked my faction mates to make the baby go upto 1k at least. I woke up the next day and these mad criminals had still the chain on at around 1.5k (1.30 tct). then we saw it reach 2.5k around 11.30 tct next day.
That's 2.5k in 23.5 hours damn!!"
"It was completely unplanned with no prior decision of who will be chain sitting and when, it was just pure excitement and coordination of an entire faction."
I DID NOT NEED TO KNOW THAT, PART 2
DONATOR PACKS
Are you one of those
Pictured: If these items appear similar to you, then you need to take a long hard look in the mirror - if you are capable.
In case you are unaware, this scam begins when an unscrupulous seller posts Donator Packs for sale via their Bazaar at suspiciously low prices. When you visit their bazaar to purchase your bargain DP, your eyes will be drawn to a Box of Grenades posted at the same price as a DP, roughly $24 million, despite their value being closer to $1 million.
Because some people play Torn instinctively without thinking, many
Our Community Manager reveals that scam prevention was not the reason for this change, and it is merely a happy by-product.
"The "scamming" wasn't the reason they were changed, all supply packs were remodelled as their overall design is being reworked." - bogie
RELENTLESS RETURNS
A number of factions used Valentine's Day to score themselves new territories. Relentless bounced back from their defeat by JFK to record a string of territorial victories in their new home out in Sector 4.
Fights against The Covenant, Death From Above, and Desert Eagle all ended with R taking land from their opponents. This land included two rackets, with a level one Truck Stop at TGC adding to the level three Cannabis Factory situated rather amusingly at the THC territory.
Pictured: It's also located in sector 4, and has 20 slots. Chedburn, you sly dog.
Inside_Trader of DFA told The Times that Relentless clearly came for their rackets, but he was unsure whether his side would also be sector 7'd in the process. So far, it seems that Relentless has been merciful, and the following quote from Hank indicates that his faction has bigger fish to fry.
"We chose this area because it contained several low-level rackets and gave us a good opportunity over the last week to take them. Whilst we have carved out a space for Relentless and Helvete it’s unlikely to be our final destination. For now, this is where we sit and regroup."
Relentless' allies / subfaction / besties Helvete find themselves on the other side of the race track at present, having won territories in this area from DP Warriors over V-day. Their co-leader MrNewOrleans explains what their plans are for the future.
"Helvete has had plans to jump into sector 7 and move around the map for a while now. We'd been kicking around the idea of warring through the area since October of last year to build respect, and the current events had no real impact on our plans. We are off doing our own thing. We are having fun, and our members are moving up".
HONORED HONOR
-Princess- got in touch with the Torn City Times to ask us how many people have achieved the Honored Honor Bar. She wondered this having just seen a thread posted by BurningWinters that revealed he had been awarded the Honored Honor Bar after achieving the required 500 awards.
Before we tell you how many people have been honored with the honorable Honored Honor Bar, we've been wondering whether the existence of the Honored Honor Bar makes it impossible for any one player to have precisely 500 awards, given that upon reaching 500, you would immediately be bumped up to 501?
Honor Blackman doesn't know, because she's an actress, and is also dead. The answer to the original question of how many people have been Honored with the Honored Honor Bar is 357 at the time of writing. -Princess- indicates she would also like you to take a shot for every time we used the word Honor.
RACING RECORDS SET TO TUMBLE
Storm1968 won a Bugatti Veyron earlier this month after he won the URT Winter Rally 2021. And it seems he's been putting his prize to good use already, having spent the past few weeks trying to take some of Torn's all-time track records.
Pictured: I really should've taken that Bugatti for a spin before I handed it over.
Our champion now holds the honour of having recorded the joint-fastest lap time on the Speedway track, with his time of 26.27 seconds equalling the record set by ChristmasBazaar. He's also managed to grab the third-fastest time down at Convict, with his Bugatti helping Storm to nail a time of 59.36, just 5 hundredths behind the overall record held by Hammer.
Storm1968 has also posted some fine times in his Honda NSX too, bagging the 4th fastest time at Stone Park (01:11.71) and the joint fourth-fastest time on Vector, drawing square with JCaine with a fastest lap of 01:00.35.
One driver who won't be setting any racing records is Prehensile, who finished a highly respectable 22nd in the URT Winter Rally, but who was later placed in federal jail permanently. Prehensile's fedding came a day before he was set to be awarded $185 million in prize money for his final rally position, but this money will now be donated to player-run tournaments instead.
I DID NOT NEED TO KNOW THAT, PART 4
TERRITORY WAR STATS
It will not have gone unnoticed that the number of territorial wars being fought has increased massively this year. 544 individual territory wars have been fought during February so far (correct as of 19/02 11am TCT), and we're not even two-thirds through the month yet.
For comparison, just 362 territorial wars were fought throughout the entirety of January, and 143 in the month of December. Would you like some interesting statistics regarding territorial wars? Yes, you would, don't tell me otherwise you big fat liar. All of the following statistics were based on territory wars that took place between the 1st of December 2020 and 11am on the 19th of February.
45.4% attacks were won
16.3% of attacks failed
37.9% ended in peace treaty
0.4% ended in destruction
WAF and EAA were the most commonly disputed territories, with each subjected to eight territory wars since 1/12/20. EAA is a sector 7 territory west of the airport and is home to a Level 1 Bootleg Distillery. WAF is a sector 7 territory that borders the dump, and we have no f***ing clue why it's so popular.
The largest percentage of territory wars (25.3%) end after exactly 0.6 days. The next longest duration for a territory war is the full 3 days (17.8%). Here's a lovely little bar chart to show you the results.
Pictured: Bigger one available here.
Subversive Alliance was the most frequent aggressor from this time period, having initiated 32 territorial wars, which accounted for 3.1% of all of the territorial wars fought. Their closest rivals were IBB with 2.6%, aXiom with 2.5%, and FTW with 2.3%. The title for the most frequent territorial defender was tied between Forged Through War, Valhalla - Bound, and Little Stompers, who were each subjected to 19 assaults, or 1.8% of all territorial attacks.
Have a look at my lovely sheet below if you don't believe me. I'm sure the
LINK TO SHEET
I DID ACTUALLY NEED TO KNOW THAT, PART 1
NS DEFIES HEADLINES
Earlier this month, the Torn City Times was given a tipoff that Switzerland was soon to be taken over by Natural Selection, with their faction members reportedly en-route to the most neutral country on Earth with the intention of locking down the nation and hospitalising all who visited.
Despite the publication of this news in the newspaper and the news ticker and on my own tummy-tum with a marker pen, many people still travelled to the country of tiny knives, Nazi gold and cuckoo clocks for some strange reason. Natural Selection's leader Stretch was naturally delighted at this, claiming that our warnings did little to reduce the impact of their latest lockdown.
"I think it may still have been one of our biggest events yet, even with all the tipoffs. The leak was of course annoying but when you communicate with so many people things are bound to happen. It still allowed our group to have a little fun and for every grumpy gus about the lockdown there are equal or more people who send messages saying how much they love the event. We will continue to find inventive ways to create fun for our membership."
Natural Selection has performed these lockdowns on several occasions now, and Stretch's comments indicate that we can expect yet another nation invasion in the not-so-distant future. If this happens, MJ_Cookie has a suggestion on how to deal with it.
Now I know what you're thinking. If you were to don the uniform of the enemy in a real-life combat situation, this would contravene Article 23f of the 1899 Hague Regulations. You know, the part that says “It is especially forbidden … to make improper use … of the national flag or of the military insignia and uniform of the enemy.” Because obviously, that would be a war crime, right?
Wrong. If you're using this method to escape the enemy, you will only incur disciplinary punishment. The more you know.
BIGGEST RAIDS
We haven't checked in on raiding for a few months, but thanks to the use of a Dirty Bomb earlier this year we now have a new leader in the list of the most destructive raids of all time. Here you are, lap up my digits you greedy stats pig.
The Equalizer 3 United 490,518 - 10,024 Subversive Alliance.
MMCP 109,769 - 383,934 Vinerri
SMTH 76,613 - 67,236 Vinerri
The Wolverines 122,045 - 9,041 Phoenix Rising
UnLeashed 100,061 - 25,788 Catalysis
Ara Pacis 51,276 - 66,970 SMTH
JFK 106,395 - 38 Unrelenting
Sykoz 66,519 - 36,962 The Chimera's Den
MMCP 93,292 - 6,949 Hyperion
NS II 48,854 - 47,186 Chain Reaction
SHORT AND SWEET
What's that? You want more Valentine's chaining news? Okay fine. The Academy wasn't able to complete any of the megachains achieved by their rivals, but CountJahDee told The Times that they did manage to do some 250 chains to enable lots of their members to obtain the strongest link merit. Congratulations to them!
"I almost didn't get the merit due to getting attacked by multiple people, but in the end, I got it with a couple of hits to spare. Sadly I wasn't able to get it to 250 for the bonus, but still, I got a merit!"
Princess-Lana, the leader of Majesty, saw her faction's members come under attack during Valentine's, and this prevented them from chaining as long as they would've liked to. Lana realized that many common levelling targets were in hospital constantly during the event, and she says they will have to prepare better training lists in the future.
"Sunday evening 8pm TCT we started chaining as planned, and reached 50 chain six times between 6 participating members, mind you that we are a young faction and actively training new and lower level players. Gaining almost 1K respect."
ANIMAL ABUSE
Itsi Bitsi Bikini used the momentum from their recent victory over Animal Kingdom to pound away at one of its members over V-day. IBB took TCE and DKD from Evolution last weekend, and have acquired five additional territories since then. MightyGoober admits that his side is torturing a wounded animal by going so hard against Evo, but he is nonetheless unrepentant.
"There hasn't been more than a couple of attacks from EVO per wall. They are already back to break specials. I truly feel bad for doing it. EVO is currently so broken, and it feels like we are just kicking them when they are down. It's Torn though and we need to expand. Can't save everyone."
SUBTERRANEAN HOMESICK BLUES
If you think you've had a bad Valentine's Day just because you spent it alone with a tube sock full of warm ham, UNDER_GROUND_KINGZ have had a worse one. UGK lost six territory fights during Valentine's Day, and a further nine since then, with the likes of Darkside, El_Condor, and The Mighty Ducks all taking land from them.
"We were assaulted by three faction not given a time to breathe and the war is going on... Their objective was to steal all our territories... We fought till the end so many got depressed and gave up... Only a few have left with some will to fight... Some didn't come online once the war start... This was a eye-opener we know who our real friends are now. We hope to find a new home and new friends... Wish us all the best." - Cindy_Witch
THE WORST DAY
Davidrk had some mighty fine plans for Valentine's Day. He stacked 1,000 energy and bought some Love Juice in anticipation of some action, despite the fact that his faction, dog_pen, had seen chaining participation drop massively over time. However, when dog_pen were attacked and lost all their sectors not long before V-day, Davidrk realised it was time to move on.
"I checked out Natural selection IV. They said come on over, so without so much as a peep, I left the dog_pen and joined NS IV. Little did I know about the 3-day wait to have my hits apply to a chain."
"Sadness ensues. I filled down the love potion anyway and used my 1000E to help break a chain of a different faction (revivers was their name or something like that) Anyway, this is the story of how I picked the worst day of the year to switch factions."
420 REGROUP
The 420 factions were having a hard time of it when last we heard, as they were being subjected to a multi-faction attack up in the northwest corner of the city. The likes of aXiom, Aperture Science, Total Domination, and In Memory of the Fallen all managed to take territory off the 420 factions throughout the first half of February, but this battle has seemingly now ended with 420's expulsion from the area.
The 420 chaps can now be found around the south-east corner of Torn, just to the east of the Docks. Their leader, Skinny-pete420 explained how this arrangement came to be.
"We had already asked members how they wanted things to play out when fallen messaged to negotiate. There was no real big moment. I'd have gone on indefinitely if it was just myself, but it's not and acceptable terms were reached for my faction."
"Now we have some time to explore the new area and plant seeds, important to start those right away for a good crop. The 420 is more cohesive than ever, been a great experience."
It is here where this story should have ended. However, an anonymous mercenary helping 420 told me there was another element at play, a rumour which, if true, casts the likes of aXiom and their allies in a most terrible light. I have been told that the alliance against 420 discovered some secret information pertaining to real-life matters that helped them defeat the 420.
Pictured: You know something's secret when the letters are stamped on.
Skinny-pete420 requested that I redact this information from my article, and I shall abide by his wishes. But if it is true that the aforementioned info was used to help take down the 420 factions, then it has to go down as one of the most heinous acts of scumbaggery ever seen in Torn City. Skinny-pete420 agrees with this assessment but magnanimously came to the defense of his enemies.
"I know it's dirty of them but I will be the first to admit there are no rules in war."
NOTE: One of the parties involved has cast doubt on these claims. We will attempt to find out more.
ANIMAL KINGDOM RESURRECTED?
It appears that we may have announced the extinction of the Animal Kingdom too early, as several breeding pairs have recently been discovered scattered about Torn City.
As we reported in our previous war article, a group of AK factions split off from the rest to head out west after their defeat by SA, IBB, and CR. Those factions include The Wolverines, Little Stompers, and The Honey Badgers, with this group having scurried off to the immediate east of the airport.
Meanwhile, WarBirds and The Nest have both pitched up on the island, with the remaining AK factions left in the west scattered around the Military Base. The scattered nature of the AK factions gave rise to a rumor that a breakup may be on the cards. Further fuel was added to the fire by Gux-'s comments in the above screenshot, whereby he described the likes of LS and HB as being the factions they "were closest to in the alliance."
However, several members of AK-affiliated factions have been in touch with The Times to tell us that their alliance is still intact. An anonymous source within The Wolverines gave me the lowdown on the current situation.
"As of now, we are still together (other than the factions you have already mentioned as leaving ak). Haven’t heard anything about anyone new joining ak either, but I’ve noticed a handful of people across ak factions leave to SA/SA affiliated facs in the last week."
Our source in Subversive Alliance confirmed to us that many AK members have joined their ranks in recent weeks. One reason for this mass defection could be that many within AK are annoyed at the inefficient way in which their leadership manages resources - specifically in regard to assists. An anonymous member of AK told me that most of their assists are organised via a central AK discord channel comprising of around 20 factions and subs, but that this often leads to extremely wasteful practices during wartime.
"Long story short, instead of 3 or 4 temp throwers from the subfactions, 10 people will dive in (most unannounced), waste heaps of E and temps, then rinse and repeat when a big hitter walks out of hosp. Some of these wall slots are costing in the tens of millions to vacate. Already seen major increases to the price of temps, and this is where that's coming from."
Pictured: An excerpt from AK's battle plans. Larger link here.
My anonymous source told me that in his opinion, too many people are keen to lend a hand, and this has led to "diseconomies of scale going on." He feels that these mistakes can be attributed to growing pains, as this is the first time AK has had a large engagement centralised in one HQ. He believes AK may learn from this and streamline how they organise dogpiles during ways.
"I think they'd be putting a lot of powerhouse factions on notice - having 100B total stats doesn't matter much if you're constantly dropped to -99% dex and def with 5 different targets alternating hits. I'm sure SA and CR have been laughing at the number of attackers hitting them on every wall though; some of these fights look like NPC attacks lol."
Another issue raised to me by another AK insider is that many of their low stat members are given a specific task other than fighting during their big wars. My source, who is a member of Warbirds Next Generation, told me that their leader insists that all of their low-stat members have the reviver perk enabled, and then forces them to spend the war reviving their comrades... for free.
"We are given free xanax for a revive, and a list of whom we shall revive. However, there is no payment, and I understand that. I am just after the merits and helping my family faction. Those who can attack can target those in the walls. Those who have low stats and can't revive are on their own."
I DID NOT NEED TO KNOW THAT, PART 5
TORN CITY TIMES SUBMISSIONS
Many of the stories you've read today were informed by news snippets sent in via the Torn City Times Tell Your Story page. If I think your story is interesting enough, and I remember to send you a Donator Pack, you will receive a Donator Pack in return for your story... if I remember, and you're not a d**k about it.
We take all kinds of gossip at the TCT, from war stories and faction drama through to interesting observations and predictions. We are also currently accepting item market tips for our next Market Report, which is due to be published early in March. And if you disagree with any of the things we've published in today's article, feel free to contact us and set the record straight by Telling Your Story.
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