sugarvalves [1963573] —
Original article
Find out how to find love in Torn, whether you should start buymugging today, and how you can prevent your wife from destroying your Torn life in this month's Aunty Torn advice column.
Aunty's mailbag has been spilling over lately, with Valentine's Day leading to an influx of romantic queries all of a sudden. In this month's advice column, Aunty tells her readers how to find love, why you shouldn't scam your spouse, and whether or not an aspiring trader should make use of the dark arts. First up, a lonely heart.
Dear Aunty,
I'm trying to find love in Torn but I find it difficult to connect with anyone. What's your best advice for finding a partner in this crazy world?
All the best,
Thotgor
Dear Thotgor,
That depends on whether you mean genuine love or in-game love. If it's the former, you're probably in the wrong place. Torn isn't a dating site, and it isn't Onlyfans either, as Bling_Bling recently discovered. Quick note: if you're lucky enough to receive Aunty's nudes, be sure to check the expiry date on the back. Most of them spoiled in the late '80s.
But if you're looking for a Torn partner, use the Newspaper Personals to advertise your reasons for wanting a spouse. If you want to split the cost of a PI, or you're just looking for some marriage merits, state your reasons honestly and cross your fingers! You could also try asking the single members of your faction or company to shack up with you. People you have something in common with are prime marriage material.
Good luck!
Aunty
Dear Aunty,
I am still a newbie, and since I started I wanted to be a trader. Recently I made my pricelist and have gotten a few customers. However, I have been noticing multiple opportunities for me to buymug expensive items from some people. I don't want this to ruin my reputation as a trader however it would be so easy to just buymug a few people and get a few expensive items for cheaper.
Should I start buymugging? Will it hurt my reputation and chances of becoming a larger trader? Should I quit trading and just go down the buymugger path? Is that even a thing?
Yours Truly,
Conflicted Trader
Dear Conflicted Trader,
Reputation is important in Torn, but if you're rich enough or strong enough, you can get away with almost anything. Ralucakiss84 is one of Torn's most notorious buymuggers, with their reputation as a scumbag established long, long ago.
They're also the seventh richest person in Torn with a highly successful bazaar. If you can handle the heat, do whatever you have to, but know that you will lose friends, respect, and a few teeth along the way.
Good Bad luck,
Aunty
Dear Aunty,
I run a medium (600k) sized faction which is meant to be relaxed. Unlike the big factions which require multiple daily log-ins/ xanax usage and 1% chain commitments, we just want to chill and be friends.
However, the time comes when my members outgrow us and want to move onto a more active faction. We have been playing with an idea of becoming a sub-faction but have had no luck when reaching out to other factions. We don't really know anyone in the game and due to our laid-back approach to the faction life, no one seems to be really interested in us. The only offer we did have was to either pay 150m monthly fees to 'be protected' or to hand over leadership for free...
Do you have any advice as to how I can how to meet other faction leaders that might be interested in the idea without attempting to rip me off?
Kind regards,
Anon
Dear Anon,
If you really are as laid-back as you suggest, why would someone need you as a sub? Figure out what you can offer while doing as little as possible. Would your members be willing to sell losses? Could you hold a territorial racket? Are you able to provide occasional low-grade freevives? Would your neighbors be safer if you were allied to them? Once you've determined your selling point, offer your services to factions who look like they need it.
Alternatively, why not think outside of the box and buy an affiliate faction - a faction that isn't subordinate to yours, but is allied equally. Move your "relaxed" members into the affiliate, and let those who are ambitious build the main into something worthwhile.
Good luck!
Aunty
Dear my favorite Aunty.
I've been mugging my spouse every time I see her make large withdrawals from the shared PI vault... This has been going on for almost 3 years now... So you think it's time to tell her? Or should I keep reaping the benifits?
Please keep this anonymous, I'd hate to have to get a divorce and be forced to look after the kids...
Your number 2 fan, Mr anonymous
Dear Mr Anonymous,
Your wife knows you are doing this. I promise you that. The question is what has she been doing in return? Is she scamming you? Will she steal your PI one day? Has she allowed the local plushie runner to 'slip her a peony' while you're away on business?
If you tell your spouse what you've been doing, prepare yourself to hear her confessional too. Rest assured, it won't be pleasant.
Good luck,
Aunty
Hello, Sweet Aunty Torn.
I managed to secure a job with less than the required working stats and my Director has been giving me focused training to get me to the required amount. Now that I'm there I have found a new job role that suits me a lot better but I still feel loyal to this company because they've treated me so well.
Do I jump ship now that I've got what I needed? Is that selfish?
Cheers,
Anon
Dear Anon,
Yes, it is selfish. And yes, you should do it.
Sweet Regards
Aunty Torn
Dear Aunty Torn,
I am dead scared. Right now I am writing these lines hidden, so she can't see what I am doing!
I have been playing Torn so actively that my wife is jokingly (hopefully) threatening me to one day she'll be closing my Torn account while I am sleeping. While I take it as a joke and try to act like a man, calling her bluffs, in secret, I am scared that one day she might.
I do know that Ched thought of this possibility so he put a 14 days waiting time but who knows... she is also very inventive... Please advise your favorite nephew how to protect himself, and his account from her wrath, if need be!
Till next time,
Anon
Dear Anon,
The most obvious solution is to reduce your Torn time, but we both know you aren't going to do that. Bearing that in mind, I'd suggest that you log in even more frequently so that you'll always know if your wife has initiated the account shutdown procedure.
Your second option is to find something your wife likes and hold it hostage. If you have a puppy, a son, or your wife has a treasured family heirloom left to her by a deceased relative, threaten to bury it in the yard if she ever closes your Torn account. I had a husband for over thirty years, and I know firsthand that the only way to achieve harmony is through the threat of mutually assured destruction.
The third and final option is to stop sleeping.
Good luck,
Aunty Torn
As ever, all of those whose queries were published this week will be given a lovely little Donator Pack as a gift. If you'd like to ask Aunty a question, you can do so by sending her a message titled Aunty Torn via the Tell Your Story feature.
Dear Aunty,
I'm trying to find love in Torn but I find it difficult to connect with anyone. What's your best advice for finding a partner in this crazy world?
All the best,
Thotgor
Dear Thotgor,
That depends on whether you mean genuine love or in-game love. If it's the former, you're probably in the wrong place. Torn isn't a dating site, and it isn't Onlyfans either, as Bling_Bling recently discovered. Quick note: if you're lucky enough to receive Aunty's nudes, be sure to check the expiry date on the back. Most of them spoiled in the late '80s.
But if you're looking for a Torn partner, use the Newspaper Personals to advertise your reasons for wanting a spouse. If you want to split the cost of a PI, or you're just looking for some marriage merits, state your reasons honestly and cross your fingers! You could also try asking the single members of your faction or company to shack up with you. People you have something in common with are prime marriage material.
Good luck!
Aunty
Dear Aunty,
I am still a newbie, and since I started I wanted to be a trader. Recently I made my pricelist and have gotten a few customers. However, I have been noticing multiple opportunities for me to buymug expensive items from some people. I don't want this to ruin my reputation as a trader however it would be so easy to just buymug a few people and get a few expensive items for cheaper.
Should I start buymugging? Will it hurt my reputation and chances of becoming a larger trader? Should I quit trading and just go down the buymugger path? Is that even a thing?
Yours Truly,
Conflicted Trader
Dear Conflicted Trader,
Reputation is important in Torn, but if you're rich enough or strong enough, you can get away with almost anything. Ralucakiss84 is one of Torn's most notorious buymuggers, with their reputation as a scumbag established long, long ago.
They're also the seventh richest person in Torn with a highly successful bazaar. If you can handle the heat, do whatever you have to, but know that you will lose friends, respect, and a few teeth along the way.
Aunty
Dear Aunty,
I run a medium (600k) sized faction which is meant to be relaxed. Unlike the big factions which require multiple daily log-ins/ xanax usage and 1% chain commitments, we just want to chill and be friends.
However, the time comes when my members outgrow us and want to move onto a more active faction. We have been playing with an idea of becoming a sub-faction but have had no luck when reaching out to other factions. We don't really know anyone in the game and due to our laid-back approach to the faction life, no one seems to be really interested in us. The only offer we did have was to either pay 150m monthly fees to 'be protected' or to hand over leadership for free...
Do you have any advice as to how I can how to meet other faction leaders that might be interested in the idea without attempting to rip me off?
Kind regards,
Anon
Dear Anon,
If you really are as laid-back as you suggest, why would someone need you as a sub? Figure out what you can offer while doing as little as possible. Would your members be willing to sell losses? Could you hold a territorial racket? Are you able to provide occasional low-grade freevives? Would your neighbors be safer if you were allied to them? Once you've determined your selling point, offer your services to factions who look like they need it.
Alternatively, why not think outside of the box and buy an affiliate faction - a faction that isn't subordinate to yours, but is allied equally. Move your "relaxed" members into the affiliate, and let those who are ambitious build the main into something worthwhile.
Good luck!
Aunty
Dear my favorite Aunty.
I've been mugging my spouse every time I see her make large withdrawals from the shared PI vault... This has been going on for almost 3 years now... So you think it's time to tell her? Or should I keep reaping the benifits?
Please keep this anonymous, I'd hate to have to get a divorce and be forced to look after the kids...
Your number 2 fan, Mr anonymous
Dear Mr Anonymous,
Your wife knows you are doing this. I promise you that. The question is what has she been doing in return? Is she scamming you? Will she steal your PI one day? Has she allowed the local plushie runner to 'slip her a peony' while you're away on business?
If you tell your spouse what you've been doing, prepare yourself to hear her confessional too. Rest assured, it won't be pleasant.
Good luck,
Aunty
Hello, Sweet Aunty Torn.
I managed to secure a job with less than the required working stats and my Director has been giving me focused training to get me to the required amount. Now that I'm there I have found a new job role that suits me a lot better but I still feel loyal to this company because they've treated me so well.
Do I jump ship now that I've got what I needed? Is that selfish?
Cheers,
Anon
Dear Anon,
Yes, it is selfish. And yes, you should do it.
Sweet Regards
Aunty Torn
Dear Aunty Torn,
I am dead scared. Right now I am writing these lines hidden, so she can't see what I am doing!
I have been playing Torn so actively that my wife is jokingly (hopefully) threatening me to one day she'll be closing my Torn account while I am sleeping. While I take it as a joke and try to act like a man, calling her bluffs, in secret, I am scared that one day she might.
I do know that Ched thought of this possibility so he put a 14 days waiting time but who knows... she is also very inventive... Please advise your favorite nephew how to protect himself, and his account from her wrath, if need be!
Till next time,
Anon
Dear Anon,
The most obvious solution is to reduce your Torn time, but we both know you aren't going to do that. Bearing that in mind, I'd suggest that you log in even more frequently so that you'll always know if your wife has initiated the account shutdown procedure.
Your second option is to find something your wife likes and hold it hostage. If you have a puppy, a son, or your wife has a treasured family heirloom left to her by a deceased relative, threaten to bury it in the yard if she ever closes your Torn account. I had a husband for over thirty years, and I know firsthand that the only way to achieve harmony is through the threat of mutually assured destruction.
The third and final option is to stop sleeping.
Good luck,
Aunty Torn
As ever, all of those whose queries were published this week will be given a lovely little Donator Pack as a gift. If you'd like to ask Aunty a question, you can do so by sending her a message titled Aunty Torn via the Tell Your Story feature.
Original article
Comments
Post a Comment