sugarvalves [1963573] —
Original article
How many points were earned on Museum Day? Who has the biggest bank investment profit? And why should you avoid playing poker this week? Find out all this and more in our Local News Roundup
If I were to round up some news for you, would that be something you would enjoy? Good, because like the faithful current affairs sheepdog that I am, I've gone and done it.
POINT BREAK?
Did Museum Day almost crash the points market into smithereens? Let's find out with the help of Torn's resident Economist, Lt_Wolf.
"There are no plans to reduce the Pawn Shop offer."
Uh, okay. End of story then I guess. Or not, because Museum Day was still rather interesting. A quick look at the point market price graph shows that prices dropped as low as $45,379 per point on the 18th of May, which is just $400 above the $45k price offered by Felix at the pawn shop. The price of points had been close to the pawn price in early 2021, but as we approached Museum Day, their value increased rapidly, like a choo-choo train speeding up.
Pictured: Points six-month price graph. Larger link.
Point prices rose because fewer points were generated by the Museum in the run up to Museum Day, as this graph shows. The price fell when an astonishing 31,671,606 points were paid out by the Museum during Museum Day, compared to the usual figure of between 1-1.3 million over a typical three-day period. More points were generated during Museum Day than over the whole of the six weeks prior. Ain't that somethin?
Pictured: Museum Points redeemed graph. Large link.
This hourly graph shows that most points were paid out in the first hour of the event. Of the 31 million+ points generated, 9,438,508 were sold directly to the Pawn Shop. Typically, just a few hundred thousand points are pawned every single day, as you can see in this graph. The total cash value of all of the points pawned on Museum Day was $432 billion.
"That sounds like a lot, but it is just 0.2% of the $218.9 trillion money supply (inclusive of stocks)." - Lt_Wolf
I have it on good authority that $432 billion is a lot of money, and that Lt_Wolf eats scrambled Faberge eggs for breakfast, wipes his arse with silk, and had Banksy come in and paint his gutters last week, so what does he know of the value of money? What, I ask you?
Anyway, a further 3,333,260 points were sold on the points market between the 17th and 19th of May, hence why their market value fell so sharply. The points market graph shows that prices dropped to $45,394 on the 19th of May, and that's the lowest they have gone so far at the time of writing on the 20th. Or is it?
Pictured: Points quantity and average price graph. Larger link.
The graphic above shows that prices actually fell to $44,759 at 3pm on the 17th, which is $241 below the pawn shop price. Our economist went on to explain why this happened:
"Amusingly, 38,000 points were traded for less than the Pawn Shop's offer. Derp!"
Derp indeed. It appears that some of these 38,000 points were priced lower than the $45,000 pawn out of sheer ignorance, whereas others were mistakenly sold at $4,500 per point - always count your zeroes people. The price of points is expected to recover from this in the coming months, but how soon this happens depends greatly on how and when the remaining 18,899,838 points from Museum Day are sold.
Thank you to Lt_Wolf for providing graphs and insights for this section.
POINT BARONS
One final bit of news from Museum Day we had to share is which players received the most points overall. Many of you got in touch with us to brag about your hauls of one, ten, and a hundred thousand points, but none could hold a candle to the mighty _SCOfield_ who blew away the competition by nabbing a frankly ridiculously 1,184,700 points during Museum Day.
_SCOfield_ sold his points to the pawn shop for a cool $53,311,500,000. Yes, that's fifty-three billion dollars and some change - he can buy his own f**king candles with that. Unique was second on the list with 1,011,098 points received, with Mania in third on 628,529.
THE BILLION-DOLLAR COMIC
Would you like to win a billion dollars for making a comic? Of course you would. And now you can, thanks to the Economist's Special Comic Prize! Each month, Lt_Wolf will pick out one comic from all of those submitted to the Comics page. Whoever created Lt_Wolf's favourite comic of the month will win a grand total of $100 million.
"Torn's active population nearly doubled over the past 3 years, but the quality of comics plummeted. They just aren't funny anymore, Ash! The simple solution is to harness the Principle of Supply. By offering this $100M prize I expect citizens will supply more comics, and take care to include some humor." - Lt_Wolf
Pictured: An example of an excellent comic by PunKake.
In short, our city's economist thinks that your comics suck ass, and he wants to pay you to be better. To win a billion dollars, you simply have to win this contest ten times. Technically, I have not lied to you during any part of this article. If you assumed you were going to win one billion dollars for one comic entry, then you only have yourself to blame. And me.
FAMILY AFFAIRS - PART 1
Zombiebabex surely deserves some kind of special prize for recruitment, as with the addition of her brother on the 3rd of March, she has now managed to persuade her entire family to play Torn City.
"I was recruited by a good friend TwistedMischief [1461112], Previously Shaneiator, and then I pulled in my husband, NomadXG [2540139], then my mom, Exotic_Angel [2566015], who is married to my husband. Rounding out the family is my brother! MrFoxx50 [2669885]. And in another turn of events, they all live with me now too!"
POKER PERIL
The Torn City Times has been tipped off that a group of organised s**tbags are planning to commit a big ol' poker grift this week. An anonymous tipster told me that this cohort of conmen will target high rollers at the poker tables, and that their main tactic is to act as if they are young, dumb, and full of rum.
"The collaborators act goofy, drunk, first-hand jam and make stupid bets in the hopes that it’ll draw someone in. Making these stupid bets is easy as the money is shared, provided by our wealthy cohort. Anyways, crew has been practicing collusion off-site and had a few “dry runs” or games in low stakes table to practice techniques."
My source, who wishes to remain anonymous, told The Times that he wanted to expose this story due to his doubts about the person who is bankrolling the scheme.
"I suspect our financial backer (Who takes most of the cut) is going to use his sway to put in a sixth man, guy's a real piece of work, loud mouth, constantly bragging, I’m sure we’ve all met someone like that."
My source would not name the financial backer but described him as a respected trader and friend. He hopes that by revealing their plans to the Torn City Times, the poker scam will be canceled, and their financier will be forced to back out.
"I’m only doing this to save the other members of my crew from mob justice, you understand?"
FACTION FURY FIESTA!
Which is the fastest faction in Torn? Leokes wants to find out, so why not help by entering his Faction Fury Fiesta today! The FFF is an exciting new racing tournament that shifts the focus away from individuals and onto Faction teams. The likes of JFK, NS2, and Catalysis have already sent representatives, and Leokes tells me that Medic!!, Helvete, and Nuclear Development are also planning to send a team each.
Pictured: Torn's factions racing against each other for glory.
Not Pictured: Subversive Alliance, who are sat in a Mercedes F1 car that they forgot to put fuel in.
The event is free to enter and registrations are open until the 2nd of June. The tournament itself begins on the 4th of June and will see each team run one 50-lap race a day for three days straight. Each faction that enters must supply six racers per team up to a maximum of two teams. Your six must include one racer under 4.99 Racing Skill and no more than three racers above 15 Racing Skill.
The winner of each race is the team with the lowest collective average time across all six racers. When all three races have been completed, the team with the lowest average across the tournament will be crowned the winners. Further details on the rules can be found here. To sign up, simply message Leokes with a screenshot of your team members' RS scoresand a voice recording of them making vroom vroom noises like a car.
There are cash and donator pack prizes on offer, and donations to the prize fund are welcomed by the organisers. The Torn City Times has donated $250 mil of Donator Packs to support the tournament. Aren't we f***ing generous?
THIS. I LIKE THIS
IT WASN'T ME
Earlier this month, we published an investigation into the recent bombings of Mentos and Cola in an attempt to find out why this faction had been targeted so frequently. A total of six Dirty Bombs were sent towards MnC during March and April, two of which were detonated by anonymous individuals.
In said article, Carl of MnC speculated one of the bombs was sent by Pops of PT-Family. Pops contacted The Times to respond to the allegations.
"I thoroughly repudiate these baseless and unfounded accusations. I hold much respect for all stalwart factions who worked tirelessly in Mentos stead, to farm respect on their behalf. I pay tribute to the fastidious zeal, fortitude and diligence shown."
In addition to this quote, Pops asked us to share the following screenshots to illustrate his point.
BIG BANKERS
Our recent article on Buddy Banking made Andyman wonder which player in Torn has the largest bank investment profit. In his thread, Andyman revealed he has personally made $21 billion from an investment of over $657 billion during his time in Torn. But what is the most any player has made, and how much did it cost them?
Prof has made the most money from bank investments out of everyone in Torn City, having earned $34,430,500,000 profit over the course of his Torn life. His total investment was $294,135,532,704. Ridgerunner is in second with a profit of $34,013,688,476 followed by Thiagorip in third with $33,617,833,367. The top 25 players on this list all had profits of over $30 billion.
The list of the biggest investors is even more eye-opening. Top of the table is REDACTED2, who has invested an astonishing 1,164,746,594,000 in their Torn career - that's 1.1 Trillion for those of you who don't like big numbers. Despite their hefty investment, REDACTED2 is nowhere near the top 25 for investment profit, having earned just $19,416,594,000 profit. To get into the top 25 for total invested, you'd need to plow over $815 billion into the bank.
Note: We will update this article with the names of the redacted players if and when they respond to our requests to do so.
FAMILY AFFAIRS - PART 2
Hey, remember that lovely story about a family all playing Torn together that we mentioned earlier? That was nice, wasn't it? Especially because I didn't ruin it with an incest joke, which is something I really really wanted to do. But I didn't do it, because this story did it for me.
"I was a part of a faction before it turned into aXiom, a senior member of the faction who I will not name yet admitted to me a couple years ago when I only just started getting help that he slept with his cousin who also played the game." - Anon
Cool.
NOVA POINTS THE FINGER
I don't remember exactly what the meme is regarding Nova's hands, but I think they're either wet, smooth, or disproportionately tiny like those of a baby shrew. Either way, when it comes to Dirty Bombs against his faction, his famous fingers have been pointed in the direction of Xanty.
"Xanty's awards went up by 2 on the 18th March and the claims of guesting/thinking Mentos is great sounds like something a PT member would say because they lost a war to Mentos. Is my theory at least, the reasoning and justification of why the bomb was dropped sounds very similar to what PT were saying at the time when they lost."
"That's my thoughts, unfortunately it's too long ago to confirm or deny it 100% now. However, I do think it's a bit embarrassing to claim Mentos 'thinks they're great' but then be too scared to reveal that they dropped a bomb."
Xanty of PT-Family replied as follows:
"I told him already that wasn't me. And I say it again, it wasn't me or anyone in PT leadership that bombed MnC (at least that i'm aware of) and PT isn't related with the bombing."
YOU STUPID B*****D
DeathKnell got in touch with me recently to inform me of a genius-level scam that everyone must know about. It is so clever it will turn your brain inside out if you think about it for more than three seconds. Here are the relevant screenshots. Stay vigilant, morons.
At this point, I did feel quite bad for calling this story "You Stupid Bastard". At least I did until DeathKnell sent back the Donator Pack I sent him for his story with the following message:
"Just keep it for yourself, I have money for buy that a lot, I just don't want xD ty for your gift."
Fair enough, although something tells me you'll need that $25 million before long. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to head down to the bank and just straight up ask them to give me some money, because I can be trusted.
COMMUNITY CONSPIRACIES
In Early May, Torn's Community Manager bogie posted a forum thread offering to sell half of the rights to a Dirty Bomb he owned. Bogie acquired this device before he was hired by Torn back when he washappy a regular player. Rather than see it go to waste, our CM decided that now was the time to set it off - because obviously, we haven't had enough of those lately.
Bogie's motivation was that he wanted to claim the Dirty Bomb merits, but to avoid accusations of bias, he decided to auction off the honor of choosing the target for roughly half the cost of the bomb. After a brief round of bidding, Subversive Alliance were chosen as the lucky recipients by the auction's anonymous winner. Despite being subjected to a four-hour tickle fight, bogie refused to give up the name of the bomber or the price they paid him.
"They want to remain private, both in name and value paid. I'd accepted their offer and been paid before I was even told who it was I was going to bomb. They initially said 'now bomb yourself' to which I was like 'oh s**t you serious?' to which they replied 'nah bomb SA'."
If anyone can prove who ordered Bogie's bomb, the Torn City Times will pay handsomely for any hard evidence sent our way. In the meantime, Subversive Alliance are baying for bogie's blood, with the slew of bounties sent his way reportedly just the beginning of what is to come.
"Hela, an ally of SA, have been instructed to sit on bogie and keep his revive chance under 30%. We have been instructed to only discuss revenge tactics in the faction discord so staff cannot monitor the conversations and any comment mentioning bogie is advised to discuss only in discord."
This quote was sent to me by the leader of a faction allied to SA. He went on to say that Subversive Alliance believes bogie spawned the dirty bomb he used and that his attack represented part of a vendetta he has against the faction. Furthermore, SA apparently believes bogie will spawn a second bomb to use against HELA. For the record, we must reiterate that the only bomb bogie has ever spawned is this one, and yet my source was quite insistent that HELA believes otherwise.
"Hemigidius has offered private payments for revives on bogie, but to be notified to him alone... HeLa is a hotbed of conspiracy theories regarding ched/bogie/updates/ etc."
Hemidigius denies these accusations entirely.
"This is false. No idea where you got this info but somebody is trying to create drama. We have never had an issue with bogie or any staff member for that matter, so why would we try to get involved? Makes no sense at all."
YOU STUPID B*****D - PART 2
If you buymug me when I'm writing for the newspaper, like fish and chips you're going in the newspaper.
REASONS REASONS
It's nearly a month since Subversive Alliance lost their high-profile war against Natural Selection, so why the hell are we still banging on about it? We aren't, but a random anonymous member of SA still wanted to give us their thoughts on where it all went wrong.
"For some reason I think everyone was very unmotivated. I don't even know how to explain, it just happened. Maybe is the covid hitting people hard, maybe we are a bit tired of going full war now, idk. As soon as it started we gave a bit of fight but then it suddenly stop."
"I believe was a mix of everything, lack of motivation from the top, from ourselves... I guess is just like when you go to watch that MMA fight you think will be awesome but then the champion has a shitty performance and no one knows how to explain. I'm not taking the victory of NS as luck, but we were very very far from our regular fights."
Since their defeat at the Docks in April, SA have captured territories on the west side of the City. With 17 blocks currently in their possession, Midknight's troops can be found in Sector 6 to the south-west of the Airport.
AWARDS RECORD?
Ariston wants to know if he is the holder of an awards-based record. Can you crush his dreams by telling him otherwise?
"I don't know if there is a way to track or compare this, but I hit 400 awards in 671 days - 59 days ahead of my original plan. Do you know of a place where we keep records and such? Definitely tooting my own horn here...but I was encouraged by older senior players to ask you about it."
Can you beat 400 awards in 671 days? Inbox me if you have and I'll give a prize to whoever has 400 awards in a shorter period of time.
TELL YOUR STORY
If you tell me a story that isn't s**t, boring, or both, and I publish it in the Newspaper, you'll receive a Donator Pack! Please use the Tell Your Story link to send in your submissions. If you wish to send in something for consideration as a full article pitch, please send those directly to my inbox.
POINT BREAK?
Did Museum Day almost crash the points market into smithereens? Let's find out with the help of Torn's resident Economist, Lt_Wolf.
"There are no plans to reduce the Pawn Shop offer."
Uh, okay. End of story then I guess. Or not, because Museum Day was still rather interesting. A quick look at the point market price graph shows that prices dropped as low as $45,379 per point on the 18th of May, which is just $400 above the $45k price offered by Felix at the pawn shop. The price of points had been close to the pawn price in early 2021, but as we approached Museum Day, their value increased rapidly, like a choo-choo train speeding up.
Pictured: Points six-month price graph. Larger link.
Point prices rose because fewer points were generated by the Museum in the run up to Museum Day, as this graph shows. The price fell when an astonishing 31,671,606 points were paid out by the Museum during Museum Day, compared to the usual figure of between 1-1.3 million over a typical three-day period. More points were generated during Museum Day than over the whole of the six weeks prior. Ain't that somethin?
Pictured: Museum Points redeemed graph. Large link.
This hourly graph shows that most points were paid out in the first hour of the event. Of the 31 million+ points generated, 9,438,508 were sold directly to the Pawn Shop. Typically, just a few hundred thousand points are pawned every single day, as you can see in this graph. The total cash value of all of the points pawned on Museum Day was $432 billion.
"That sounds like a lot, but it is just 0.2% of the $218.9 trillion money supply (inclusive of stocks)." - Lt_Wolf
I have it on good authority that $432 billion is a lot of money, and that Lt_Wolf eats scrambled Faberge eggs for breakfast, wipes his arse with silk, and had Banksy come in and paint his gutters last week, so what does he know of the value of money? What, I ask you?
Anyway, a further 3,333,260 points were sold on the points market between the 17th and 19th of May, hence why their market value fell so sharply. The points market graph shows that prices dropped to $45,394 on the 19th of May, and that's the lowest they have gone so far at the time of writing on the 20th. Or is it?
Pictured: Points quantity and average price graph. Larger link.
The graphic above shows that prices actually fell to $44,759 at 3pm on the 17th, which is $241 below the pawn shop price. Our economist went on to explain why this happened:
"Amusingly, 38,000 points were traded for less than the Pawn Shop's offer. Derp!"
Derp indeed. It appears that some of these 38,000 points were priced lower than the $45,000 pawn out of sheer ignorance, whereas others were mistakenly sold at $4,500 per point - always count your zeroes people. The price of points is expected to recover from this in the coming months, but how soon this happens depends greatly on how and when the remaining 18,899,838 points from Museum Day are sold.
Thank you to Lt_Wolf for providing graphs and insights for this section.
POINT BARONS
One final bit of news from Museum Day we had to share is which players received the most points overall. Many of you got in touch with us to brag about your hauls of one, ten, and a hundred thousand points, but none could hold a candle to the mighty _SCOfield_ who blew away the competition by nabbing a frankly ridiculously 1,184,700 points during Museum Day.
_SCOfield_ sold his points to the pawn shop for a cool $53,311,500,000. Yes, that's fifty-three billion dollars and some change - he can buy his own f**king candles with that. Unique was second on the list with 1,011,098 points received, with Mania in third on 628,529.
THE BILLION-DOLLAR COMIC
Would you like to win a billion dollars for making a comic? Of course you would. And now you can, thanks to the Economist's Special Comic Prize! Each month, Lt_Wolf will pick out one comic from all of those submitted to the Comics page. Whoever created Lt_Wolf's favourite comic of the month will win a grand total of $100 million.
"Torn's active population nearly doubled over the past 3 years, but the quality of comics plummeted. They just aren't funny anymore, Ash! The simple solution is to harness the Principle of Supply. By offering this $100M prize I expect citizens will supply more comics, and take care to include some humor." - Lt_Wolf
Pictured: An example of an excellent comic by PunKake.
In short, our city's economist thinks that your comics suck ass, and he wants to pay you to be better. To win a billion dollars, you simply have to win this contest ten times. Technically, I have not lied to you during any part of this article. If you assumed you were going to win one billion dollars for one comic entry, then you only have yourself to blame. And me.
FAMILY AFFAIRS - PART 1
Zombiebabex surely deserves some kind of special prize for recruitment, as with the addition of her brother on the 3rd of March, she has now managed to persuade her entire family to play Torn City.
"I was recruited by a good friend TwistedMischief [1461112], Previously Shaneiator, and then I pulled in my husband, NomadXG [2540139], then my mom, Exotic_Angel [2566015], who is married to my husband. Rounding out the family is my brother! MrFoxx50 [2669885]. And in another turn of events, they all live with me now too!"
POKER PERIL
The Torn City Times has been tipped off that a group of organised s**tbags are planning to commit a big ol' poker grift this week. An anonymous tipster told me that this cohort of conmen will target high rollers at the poker tables, and that their main tactic is to act as if they are young, dumb, and full of rum.
"The collaborators act goofy, drunk, first-hand jam and make stupid bets in the hopes that it’ll draw someone in. Making these stupid bets is easy as the money is shared, provided by our wealthy cohort. Anyways, crew has been practicing collusion off-site and had a few “dry runs” or games in low stakes table to practice techniques."
My source, who wishes to remain anonymous, told The Times that he wanted to expose this story due to his doubts about the person who is bankrolling the scheme.
"I suspect our financial backer (Who takes most of the cut) is going to use his sway to put in a sixth man, guy's a real piece of work, loud mouth, constantly bragging, I’m sure we’ve all met someone like that."
My source would not name the financial backer but described him as a respected trader and friend. He hopes that by revealing their plans to the Torn City Times, the poker scam will be canceled, and their financier will be forced to back out.
"I’m only doing this to save the other members of my crew from mob justice, you understand?"
FACTION FURY FIESTA!
Which is the fastest faction in Torn? Leokes wants to find out, so why not help by entering his Faction Fury Fiesta today! The FFF is an exciting new racing tournament that shifts the focus away from individuals and onto Faction teams. The likes of JFK, NS2, and Catalysis have already sent representatives, and Leokes tells me that Medic!!, Helvete, and Nuclear Development are also planning to send a team each.
Pictured: Torn's factions racing against each other for glory.
Not Pictured: Subversive Alliance, who are sat in a Mercedes F1 car that they forgot to put fuel in.
The event is free to enter and registrations are open until the 2nd of June. The tournament itself begins on the 4th of June and will see each team run one 50-lap race a day for three days straight. Each faction that enters must supply six racers per team up to a maximum of two teams. Your six must include one racer under 4.99 Racing Skill and no more than three racers above 15 Racing Skill.
The winner of each race is the team with the lowest collective average time across all six racers. When all three races have been completed, the team with the lowest average across the tournament will be crowned the winners. Further details on the rules can be found here. To sign up, simply message Leokes with a screenshot of your team members' RS scores
There are cash and donator pack prizes on offer, and donations to the prize fund are welcomed by the organisers. The Torn City Times has donated $250 mil of Donator Packs to support the tournament. Aren't we f***ing generous?
THIS. I LIKE THIS
IT WASN'T ME
Earlier this month, we published an investigation into the recent bombings of Mentos and Cola in an attempt to find out why this faction had been targeted so frequently. A total of six Dirty Bombs were sent towards MnC during March and April, two of which were detonated by anonymous individuals.
In said article, Carl of MnC speculated one of the bombs was sent by Pops of PT-Family. Pops contacted The Times to respond to the allegations.
"I thoroughly repudiate these baseless and unfounded accusations. I hold much respect for all stalwart factions who worked tirelessly in Mentos stead, to farm respect on their behalf. I pay tribute to the fastidious zeal, fortitude and diligence shown."
In addition to this quote, Pops asked us to share the following screenshots to illustrate his point.
BIG BANKERS
Our recent article on Buddy Banking made Andyman wonder which player in Torn has the largest bank investment profit. In his thread, Andyman revealed he has personally made $21 billion from an investment of over $657 billion during his time in Torn. But what is the most any player has made, and how much did it cost them?
Prof has made the most money from bank investments out of everyone in Torn City, having earned $34,430,500,000 profit over the course of his Torn life. His total investment was $294,135,532,704. Ridgerunner is in second with a profit of $34,013,688,476 followed by Thiagorip in third with $33,617,833,367. The top 25 players on this list all had profits of over $30 billion.
The list of the biggest investors is even more eye-opening. Top of the table is REDACTED2, who has invested an astonishing 1,164,746,594,000 in their Torn career - that's 1.1 Trillion for those of you who don't like big numbers. Despite their hefty investment, REDACTED2 is nowhere near the top 25 for investment profit, having earned just $19,416,594,000 profit. To get into the top 25 for total invested, you'd need to plow over $815 billion into the bank.
Note: We will update this article with the names of the redacted players if and when they respond to our requests to do so.
FAMILY AFFAIRS - PART 2
Hey, remember that lovely story about a family all playing Torn together that we mentioned earlier? That was nice, wasn't it? Especially because I didn't ruin it with an incest joke, which is something I really really wanted to do. But I didn't do it, because this story did it for me.
"I was a part of a faction before it turned into aXiom, a senior member of the faction who I will not name yet admitted to me a couple years ago when I only just started getting help that he slept with his cousin who also played the game." - Anon
Cool.
NOVA POINTS THE FINGER
I don't remember exactly what the meme is regarding Nova's hands, but I think they're either wet, smooth, or disproportionately tiny like those of a baby shrew. Either way, when it comes to Dirty Bombs against his faction, his famous fingers have been pointed in the direction of Xanty.
"Xanty's awards went up by 2 on the 18th March and the claims of guesting/thinking Mentos is great sounds like something a PT member would say because they lost a war to Mentos. Is my theory at least, the reasoning and justification of why the bomb was dropped sounds very similar to what PT were saying at the time when they lost."
"That's my thoughts, unfortunately it's too long ago to confirm or deny it 100% now. However, I do think it's a bit embarrassing to claim Mentos 'thinks they're great' but then be too scared to reveal that they dropped a bomb."
Xanty of PT-Family replied as follows:
"I told him already that wasn't me. And I say it again, it wasn't me or anyone in PT leadership that bombed MnC (at least that i'm aware of) and PT isn't related with the bombing."
YOU STUPID B*****D
DeathKnell got in touch with me recently to inform me of a genius-level scam that everyone must know about. It is so clever it will turn your brain inside out if you think about it for more than three seconds. Here are the relevant screenshots. Stay vigilant, morons.
At this point, I did feel quite bad for calling this story "You Stupid Bastard". At least I did until DeathKnell sent back the Donator Pack I sent him for his story with the following message:
"Just keep it for yourself, I have money for buy that a lot, I just don't want xD ty for your gift."
Fair enough, although something tells me you'll need that $25 million before long. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to head down to the bank and just straight up ask them to give me some money, because I can be trusted.
COMMUNITY CONSPIRACIES
In Early May, Torn's Community Manager bogie posted a forum thread offering to sell half of the rights to a Dirty Bomb he owned. Bogie acquired this device before he was hired by Torn back when he was
Bogie's motivation was that he wanted to claim the Dirty Bomb merits, but to avoid accusations of bias, he decided to auction off the honor of choosing the target for roughly half the cost of the bomb. After a brief round of bidding, Subversive Alliance were chosen as the lucky recipients by the auction's anonymous winner. Despite being subjected to a four-hour tickle fight, bogie refused to give up the name of the bomber or the price they paid him.
"They want to remain private, both in name and value paid. I'd accepted their offer and been paid before I was even told who it was I was going to bomb. They initially said 'now bomb yourself' to which I was like 'oh s**t you serious?' to which they replied 'nah bomb SA'."
If anyone can prove who ordered Bogie's bomb, the Torn City Times will pay handsomely for any hard evidence sent our way. In the meantime, Subversive Alliance are baying for bogie's blood, with the slew of bounties sent his way reportedly just the beginning of what is to come.
"Hela, an ally of SA, have been instructed to sit on bogie and keep his revive chance under 30%. We have been instructed to only discuss revenge tactics in the faction discord so staff cannot monitor the conversations and any comment mentioning bogie is advised to discuss only in discord."
This quote was sent to me by the leader of a faction allied to SA. He went on to say that Subversive Alliance believes bogie spawned the dirty bomb he used and that his attack represented part of a vendetta he has against the faction. Furthermore, SA apparently believes bogie will spawn a second bomb to use against HELA. For the record, we must reiterate that the only bomb bogie has ever spawned is this one, and yet my source was quite insistent that HELA believes otherwise.
"Hemigidius has offered private payments for revives on bogie, but to be notified to him alone... HeLa is a hotbed of conspiracy theories regarding ched/bogie/updates/ etc."
Hemidigius denies these accusations entirely.
"This is false. No idea where you got this info but somebody is trying to create drama. We have never had an issue with bogie or any staff member for that matter, so why would we try to get involved? Makes no sense at all."
YOU STUPID B*****D - PART 2
If you buymug me when I'm writing for the newspaper, like fish and chips you're going in the newspaper.
REASONS REASONS
It's nearly a month since Subversive Alliance lost their high-profile war against Natural Selection, so why the hell are we still banging on about it? We aren't, but a random anonymous member of SA still wanted to give us their thoughts on where it all went wrong.
"For some reason I think everyone was very unmotivated. I don't even know how to explain, it just happened. Maybe is the covid hitting people hard, maybe we are a bit tired of going full war now, idk. As soon as it started we gave a bit of fight but then it suddenly stop."
"I believe was a mix of everything, lack of motivation from the top, from ourselves... I guess is just like when you go to watch that MMA fight you think will be awesome but then the champion has a shitty performance and no one knows how to explain. I'm not taking the victory of NS as luck, but we were very very far from our regular fights."
Since their defeat at the Docks in April, SA have captured territories on the west side of the City. With 17 blocks currently in their possession, Midknight's troops can be found in Sector 6 to the south-west of the Airport.
AWARDS RECORD?
Ariston wants to know if he is the holder of an awards-based record. Can you crush his dreams by telling him otherwise?
"I don't know if there is a way to track or compare this, but I hit 400 awards in 671 days - 59 days ahead of my original plan. Do you know of a place where we keep records and such? Definitely tooting my own horn here...but I was encouraged by older senior players to ask you about it."
Can you beat 400 awards in 671 days? Inbox me if you have and I'll give a prize to whoever has 400 awards in a shorter period of time.
TELL YOUR STORY
If you tell me a story that isn't s**t, boring, or both, and I publish it in the Newspaper, you'll receive a Donator Pack! Please use the Tell Your Story link to send in your submissions. If you wish to send in something for consideration as a full article pitch, please send those directly to my inbox.
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