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NPC Life Gains Criticized

sugarvalves [1963573]
Torn Hospital chief hits out at citizens' use of "immoral" life extension techniques. Loanshark, croupier, human rabbit man seen leaving controversial clinic. City responds with larger loot limit.
The head of the Torn City Hospital has called on the authorities to shut down a controversial east-side clinic after a number of high-profile citizens were seen attending the facility for treatment. Witnesses reported that the likes of Duke Calabrese, Fingers Fernando, and the Easter Bunny were spotted leaving the Ravenscroft Center this weekend, but TCH boss Erich Hoffman urged people to avoid the clinic, claiming the life-extending treatments on offer are immoral and ungodly.

“The Ravenscroft Center claims to offer a range of life-extending treatments to its customers. I have seen the results of these therapies, and the science behind them is sound. What I disagree with profoundly is their use of stem cells harvested from children. Stem cells are usually taken from a placenta or the umbilical cord, but in this case, they are surgically removed from living, fully-grown donors. It is absolutely abhorrent that infants should be slaughtered so that others may enjoy prolonged life.”

When pressed to qualify his statement, Mr Hoffman reluctantly added the following.

“I do not believe the fact that these children are mice makes this news any less distressing.”


Pictured: Stuart Little.

The Torn City Times attempted to interview the facility’s eponymous owner, Professor Amanda Ravenscroft, about these claims, but we were prevented from doing so by the fact that her phone number isn’t on Yelp. Duke Calabrese was also invited to comment, but his response to our reporter’s questions must be heavily redacted.

“You stinkin little *******, whos ****** business is it what I do to my own ******* body? What’s your body look like eh? Show me your body!”

At this point in the interview, our journalist was stripped down to his briefs by Duke’s associates, “Fingers” Fernando and Jimmy “Two Shins”. The interview continued.

“Eh, that’s actually a nice lookin body you got there pal. You work out? Yeah you do. What do yous eat? Duke’s been doin this thing where yous only eat raw chicken and yogurt. I lost two ****** stone last week on the john. I feel like I **** out a whole human or somethin. What did yous wanna know again?”

Our interview with Shirley Prima Dante Calabrese revealed no useful information, but our investigation into the Ravenscroft Center’s refuse disposal area did. Our journalist, now fully clothed, discovered treatment plans for several Torn NPCs (Notoriously Powerful C**ts) among the clinic’s trash. According to the records obtained by the Torn City Times, the following individuals appear to have received an infusion of a serum called Vitae Augere, with each patient experiencing differing levels of success.

Shirley Prima Dante Calabrese. Male. Homo Sapiens. 14%

Fernando Maria Fernandez. Male. Homo Sapiens. 33%

Leslie Carol Chanthavong. Male. Homo Sapiens. 50%

James Harrelson. Male. Homo Sapiens. 50%

Ebenezer Scrooge. Male. Apparition. 80%

Peter Cottontail. Male. Oryctolagus Cuniculus. 85%




Pictured: An artist’s impression of the Easter Bunny receiving treatment.

Research indicates that Vitae Augere does not lengthen a patient's life in a chronological sense, but instead increases their resistance to trauma and disease. We at the Torn City times would like to add a disclaimer that we have no scientific qualifications among our staff and that the "research" we conducted came in the form of a seven-minute video my aunt linked me off Youtube.

The TCT has yet to ascertain each patient’s motives for undergoing these experimental treatments, but sources indicate it may have something to do with the swift nature of recent NPC lootings. Torn’s most famous citizens have been taken down with consummate ease of late, with their belongings pilfered at an ever-increasing rate in a series of violent attacks. One imagines that these attempts by NPCs to increase their “life” are perhaps a response to that.

The Torn City authorities have refused to shut down the Ravenscroft Center, describing it as a “lucrative source of research and internal organs.” However, Chedburn has responded to the public’s concerns by increasing the number of permitted looters to 100, thus allowing Torn's citizenry to lay waste to these godless creatures as and when they see fit.

Hordes of confused and angry citizens are soon expected to take up arms against our city's NPCs to test out their newly extended lifespans. But with double the usual number of looters permitted, it remains to be seen how long the likes of Jimmy and The Duke will last. Are they men, or are they mice? Our research indicates that the answer is yes.

tl;dr: NPC life spans increased. Group attack limit rises to 100. See Patch List #192 for further details.


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