sugarvalves [1963573] —
Original article
Untruthful Employee, REPENT! Smut peddler, REPENT! Faction usurper, REPENT! Mug-baiter, REPENT! Child corrupter, REPENT! Cuckoldress, REPENT!
Greetings and salutations my flagitious flock. I, Pastor Williams, have returned to provide ye with the guidance ye so dearly deserve. I have received a number of interesting confessions over the past few months, and many dull ones too. Here is a selection of some of the most abhorrent sins that have passed my most holy desk this year, and my advice on how one should go about absolving them.
"My company director didn't hire the maximum amount of people. I was about to tell them that they could hire people and that some people weren't in it for the pay, but I realized that he wouldn't be giving rotational trains as often. I decided to keep my mouth shut..."
The Pastor's Response
"Every man must decide whether he will walk in the light of creative altruism or in the darkness of destructive selfishness." - Martin Luther King Jr.
Selfishness is not always a sin. If a mother does not feed herself, how shall her offspring suckle at her milkless teat? Likewise, if you are not sufficiently well-trained, how can you perform well for your company? Moreover, if the company was performing well and you were receiving adequate training, why should you care how efficiently it is being run?
Unless, of course, the company had the potential to rise higher in rank. If you have failed to inform your director of this, you may have missed out on the extra trains that a higher-level director can receive. If the first scenario applies, you have no sin for which to answer. If the second scenario is true, you are guilty of cutting off your own teats to spite your... chest? You must inform your company director immediately, lest ye wallow in mediocrity for the rest of your days.
Be well, my milkless child.
"I sold a naughty cache to some idiot for 185m a day or two before the price drop knowing full well it would happen"
The Pastor's Response
"Your profits reflect the success of your customers." - Ron Kaufman
This sinner appears to have confessed to partaking in a simple business transaction, a transaction in which their customer played a willing part. It is no sin to earn money from the ignorance of others. The only sin I see here is that you are a peddler of smut. A purveyor of erotic garments designed to tempt the innocents towards bare flesh and away from the Lord.
Whips must only be used for self-flagellation. A ball-gag is suited only for use in silencing those who speak uncontrollably in tongues. I am yet to find a suitably pious use for nipple tassels, but I am certain there is one. My command is that you shall festoon yourself with at least two items from the Naughty Cache for a period no shorter than 69 days.
Behave, my alluring child.
"Our leader uses faction earnings to benefit himself over the faction and thinks he can do this forever. He trusts me but he shouldn't. His time is almost over and he has few allies left."
The Pastor's Response
"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend." - William Blake
Having instructed my church mice to investigate your loyalties I am now fully aware of whom you speak. And while mutiny is a traditional act in Torn City - after all, did we not secede ourselves - I would urge caution in this case. The removal of an ineffective leader is no sin, no matter how long they have served. But it would be a sin if you failed to consider who will stand in their stead.
My orders are for you and your co-conspirators to elect a replacement before you decapitate the current figurehead. As the prophet Kylie Minogue so famously declared, better the devil you know.
Be brave, my mutinous child.
"I held level 9 for around a year. Recently I levelled to 15, just for travel. I quickly discovered how fun it is to go to the Caymans with $0 in my wallet and sit there for 8 hours at a time while I'm away from the game. All those muggers who get nothing would have my sympathies, if they weren't asshats to try and mug me in the first place."
The Pastor's Response
“Doing nothing is very hard to do... you never know when you're finished.” - Leslie Nielsen
Mugging is no sin, but nor is baiting said muggers into wasting their energy. While he was eating his most sacred Rice Crispies, our Lord professed to me this morning that he findeth such things most amusing. That being said, you could be using your time more productively, could you not? Relieving strangers of their money is a holy act indeed.
I insist that you spend at least an hour of your vacation mugging others, so you may know how it feels to stand in their pathetic stolen shoes.
Be light-fingered, my idle child.
"I frequently let my kids gamble for me on Torn. My middle child, who is 9, has won me a donator pack and private island on the wheel, 36m on a 0 bet in roulette and countless millions on other games."
The Pastor's Response
"In a closed society where everybody's guilty, the only crime is getting caught. In a world of thieves, the only final sin is stupidity." - Hunter S Thompson
As a lover of the statistical arts myself, one can hardly judge you for introducing your crotch fruit to the excitement produced by games of chance. Much like a parent who allows their child a sip of wine or a brief look at a pornographic pen, you are simply introducing your offspring to the joys of gambling in a gradual manner under your supervision. What a dutiful father you are.
Alas, a sin has nevertheless been committed, and that sin is one of idiocy. By admitting that you allow your 9-year-old child to gamble, you have exposed yourself to the authorities. Your name has been passed on to our Community Manager. May bogie have mercy on your soul.
Be gone, my blabbermouthed child.
"I once was approached by a flirtatious newb looking for “fun”. I was so annoyed that I ended up befriending him, only to play tricks on him. One of those tricks included convincing him to place a personal message on the forums where he was brutally mocked for days. I still don’t know if I feel bad about it, or boastful."
The Pastor's Response
"Man is the cruelest animal." - Friedrich Nietzsche
To use one's womanly charms for such a cruel, unnecessary act is a waste, and it is this sin which you are guilty of the most. You could have secured power, riches, or a large dirigible of some sort in exchange for a fleeting glance and a seductive wink. But no, you chose to ridicule a man, rather than making him your faithful vassal b***h.
It is my desire that your penance should take the form of another personal forum message, this time posted by you. This message could take the form of an open letter, a complaint, a pathetic call for aid, or any other embarrassing type of forum post. Humiliate yourself in front of the masses, and ye shall be absolved of sin.
Be humbled, my cuckolding child.
CONFESS YOUR SINS
Those who wish to confess their sins for salvation and a Donator Pack may do so via the Torn City Times' Tell Your Story feature. Pastor Williams requests that sinners entitle their posts "CONFESSION", and limit said confession to no more than 50 words. If Pastor Williams wanted to read an incredibly long-winded account of recent events, he would take to browsing MarlonBrando's forum posts.
"My company director didn't hire the maximum amount of people. I was about to tell them that they could hire people and that some people weren't in it for the pay, but I realized that he wouldn't be giving rotational trains as often. I decided to keep my mouth shut..."
The Pastor's Response
"Every man must decide whether he will walk in the light of creative altruism or in the darkness of destructive selfishness." - Martin Luther King Jr.
Selfishness is not always a sin. If a mother does not feed herself, how shall her offspring suckle at her milkless teat? Likewise, if you are not sufficiently well-trained, how can you perform well for your company? Moreover, if the company was performing well and you were receiving adequate training, why should you care how efficiently it is being run?
Unless, of course, the company had the potential to rise higher in rank. If you have failed to inform your director of this, you may have missed out on the extra trains that a higher-level director can receive. If the first scenario applies, you have no sin for which to answer. If the second scenario is true, you are guilty of cutting off your own teats to spite your... chest? You must inform your company director immediately, lest ye wallow in mediocrity for the rest of your days.
Be well, my milkless child.
"I sold a naughty cache to some idiot for 185m a day or two before the price drop knowing full well it would happen"
The Pastor's Response
"Your profits reflect the success of your customers." - Ron Kaufman
This sinner appears to have confessed to partaking in a simple business transaction, a transaction in which their customer played a willing part. It is no sin to earn money from the ignorance of others. The only sin I see here is that you are a peddler of smut. A purveyor of erotic garments designed to tempt the innocents towards bare flesh and away from the Lord.
Whips must only be used for self-flagellation. A ball-gag is suited only for use in silencing those who speak uncontrollably in tongues. I am yet to find a suitably pious use for nipple tassels, but I am certain there is one. My command is that you shall festoon yourself with at least two items from the Naughty Cache for a period no shorter than 69 days.
Behave, my alluring child.
"Our leader uses faction earnings to benefit himself over the faction and thinks he can do this forever. He trusts me but he shouldn't. His time is almost over and he has few allies left."
The Pastor's Response
"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend." - William Blake
Having instructed my church mice to investigate your loyalties I am now fully aware of whom you speak. And while mutiny is a traditional act in Torn City - after all, did we not secede ourselves - I would urge caution in this case. The removal of an ineffective leader is no sin, no matter how long they have served. But it would be a sin if you failed to consider who will stand in their stead.
My orders are for you and your co-conspirators to elect a replacement before you decapitate the current figurehead. As the prophet Kylie Minogue so famously declared, better the devil you know.
Be brave, my mutinous child.
"I held level 9 for around a year. Recently I levelled to 15, just for travel. I quickly discovered how fun it is to go to the Caymans with $0 in my wallet and sit there for 8 hours at a time while I'm away from the game. All those muggers who get nothing would have my sympathies, if they weren't asshats to try and mug me in the first place."
The Pastor's Response
“Doing nothing is very hard to do... you never know when you're finished.” - Leslie Nielsen
Mugging is no sin, but nor is baiting said muggers into wasting their energy. While he was eating his most sacred Rice Crispies, our Lord professed to me this morning that he findeth such things most amusing. That being said, you could be using your time more productively, could you not? Relieving strangers of their money is a holy act indeed.
I insist that you spend at least an hour of your vacation mugging others, so you may know how it feels to stand in their pathetic stolen shoes.
Be light-fingered, my idle child.
"I frequently let my kids gamble for me on Torn. My middle child, who is 9, has won me a donator pack and private island on the wheel, 36m on a 0 bet in roulette and countless millions on other games."
The Pastor's Response
"In a closed society where everybody's guilty, the only crime is getting caught. In a world of thieves, the only final sin is stupidity." - Hunter S Thompson
As a lover of the statistical arts myself, one can hardly judge you for introducing your crotch fruit to the excitement produced by games of chance. Much like a parent who allows their child a sip of wine or a brief look at a pornographic pen, you are simply introducing your offspring to the joys of gambling in a gradual manner under your supervision. What a dutiful father you are.
Alas, a sin has nevertheless been committed, and that sin is one of idiocy. By admitting that you allow your 9-year-old child to gamble, you have exposed yourself to the authorities. Your name has been passed on to our Community Manager. May bogie have mercy on your soul.
Be gone, my blabbermouthed child.
"I once was approached by a flirtatious newb looking for “fun”. I was so annoyed that I ended up befriending him, only to play tricks on him. One of those tricks included convincing him to place a personal message on the forums where he was brutally mocked for days. I still don’t know if I feel bad about it, or boastful."
The Pastor's Response
"Man is the cruelest animal." - Friedrich Nietzsche
To use one's womanly charms for such a cruel, unnecessary act is a waste, and it is this sin which you are guilty of the most. You could have secured power, riches, or a large dirigible of some sort in exchange for a fleeting glance and a seductive wink. But no, you chose to ridicule a man, rather than making him your faithful vassal b***h.
It is my desire that your penance should take the form of another personal forum message, this time posted by you. This message could take the form of an open letter, a complaint, a pathetic call for aid, or any other embarrassing type of forum post. Humiliate yourself in front of the masses, and ye shall be absolved of sin.
Be humbled, my cuckolding child.
CONFESS YOUR SINS
Those who wish to confess their sins for salvation and a Donator Pack may do so via the Torn City Times' Tell Your Story feature. Pastor Williams requests that sinners entitle their posts "CONFESSION", and limit said confession to no more than 50 words. If Pastor Williams wanted to read an incredibly long-winded account of recent events, he would take to browsing MarlonBrando's forum posts.
Original article
Comments
Post a Comment