sugarvalves [1963573] —
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Police ask citizens to "be vigilant" and "stay the f**k inside" following reports of sledgehammer attacks across Torn City. Suspect described as "huge", "hyperactive", and "kinda French".
Torn's citizens have been told to lock their doors and be on the lookout after a sledgehammer-wielding maniac was seen breaking into several properties across the city late on Monday night.
Pictured: Or, he was attempting to deliver a hammer? Let's not judge the guy.
Eyewitnesses described the man as muscular, hyperactive, and "twitching like a man possessed by ghosts or some s**t". In an interview with the Torn City Times, one woman revealed that the assailant took nothing of value from her home, and when confronted as to why he was on her property, he apparently started to ramble at her in French, before leaving shortly afterward.
The woman, who did not want to be named, criticised the emergency services for not taking her situation seriously. In an attempt to shame the authorities into providing her with enough compensation for a girls' trip to the Bahamas, the victim has leaked a recording of her call to the Times.
Woman: Hello, Police?
Dispatcher: Uh, yeah, I guess.
Woman: You guess? Are you the Police or not?
Dispatcher: Me personally? I'm a lot of things. An actor, a DJ, a model...
Woman: There's a man smashing down my door with a hammer! Just send help!
Dispatcher: Uh, alright. What's your address?
Woman: 422 West Hoskins Street...
Dispatcher: No way! I used to have a buddy who lived there. Do you know Josh?
<loud crunch sound>
Woman: Oh s**t, he's inside!
Dispatcher: Who? Josh?
Woman: No the man breaking into my house!
Dispatcher: Josh is breaking into your house?
Woman: I don't know who f**king Josh is! Christ!
Dispatcher: Okay lady calm down, there's no need to take the Lord's name in vain.
Woman: He's coming towards me! Stay back! I said back you bastard! I know Tai Chi.
Dispatcher: Tai Chi? I love that stuff. So tasty.
Woman: Help me! He's twitching. I think he's on drugs!
Dispatcher: Hold up. I have a pamphlet for this.
<paper rifling noises>
Dispatcher: Okay what you wanna do is stop, drop, and roll.
At this point in the recording, an unknown voice is heard, presumed to be that of the assailant.
Unknown: J'ai bu trop de boissons énergisantes. puis-je faire de la merde dans votre maison?
Woman: I don't know what you just said! Please don't hurt me.
Dispatcher: I don't think that's a real language ma'am. You can go ahead and ignore that.
Unknown: Oh non, c'est trop tard.
<phone hangs up>
Dispatcher: Hello? Helloooooo? Hello hello hello hello? Ah jeez, were just hittin' it off.
The intruder managed to access several homes on the west side of the city before he turned his attentions elsewhere. Later that night, he was also spotted breaking into a sporting goods store close to the Auction House, where he stole an array of high-value fitness equipment. The Sledgehammer Hitter's whereabouts are currently unknown.
UPDATE: The Torn City Times has received a tipoff that the unknown assailant goes by the name of Serge Tiersen, a.k.a. Tiny Tears. We'll provide more information as the story develops.
Pictured: File Photo. Serge Tiersen.
UPDATE 2: Earlier this morning, Torn Officer Grif bravely attempted to take down the sledgehammer hitter, only to receive a vicious strike to the guts for his efforts. Witnesses to the brawl commented that the man appeared freakishly strong and made light work of our beloved Grif, although he was seen struggling with the weight of the sledgehammer in between blows.
UPDATE 3: Tiny has been taken down in a stunning display of vigilante justice. Citizens reported seeing the brute drop several cans after he was defeated. It was also noted that his fists appeared unusually heavy. We are unsure as to whether Mr Tiersen has a medical condition, or he's still feeling the effects of all those energy drinks.
Pictured: Or, he was attempting to deliver a hammer? Let's not judge the guy.
Eyewitnesses described the man as muscular, hyperactive, and "twitching like a man possessed by ghosts or some s**t". In an interview with the Torn City Times, one woman revealed that the assailant took nothing of value from her home, and when confronted as to why he was on her property, he apparently started to ramble at her in French, before leaving shortly afterward.
The woman, who did not want to be named, criticised the emergency services for not taking her situation seriously. In an attempt to shame the authorities into providing her with enough compensation for a girls' trip to the Bahamas, the victim has leaked a recording of her call to the Times.
Woman: Hello, Police?
Dispatcher: Uh, yeah, I guess.
Woman: You guess? Are you the Police or not?
Dispatcher: Me personally? I'm a lot of things. An actor, a DJ, a model...
Woman: There's a man smashing down my door with a hammer! Just send help!
Dispatcher: Uh, alright. What's your address?
Woman: 422 West Hoskins Street...
Dispatcher: No way! I used to have a buddy who lived there. Do you know Josh?
<loud crunch sound>
Woman: Oh s**t, he's inside!
Dispatcher: Who? Josh?
Woman: No the man breaking into my house!
Dispatcher: Josh is breaking into your house?
Woman: I don't know who f**king Josh is! Christ!
Dispatcher: Okay lady calm down, there's no need to take the Lord's name in vain.
Woman: He's coming towards me! Stay back! I said back you bastard! I know Tai Chi.
Dispatcher: Tai Chi? I love that stuff. So tasty.
Woman: Help me! He's twitching. I think he's on drugs!
Dispatcher: Hold up. I have a pamphlet for this.
<paper rifling noises>
Dispatcher: Okay what you wanna do is stop, drop, and roll.
At this point in the recording, an unknown voice is heard, presumed to be that of the assailant.
Unknown: J'ai bu trop de boissons énergisantes. puis-je faire de la merde dans votre maison?
Woman: I don't know what you just said! Please don't hurt me.
Dispatcher: I don't think that's a real language ma'am. You can go ahead and ignore that.
Unknown: Oh non, c'est trop tard.
<phone hangs up>
Dispatcher: Hello? Helloooooo? Hello hello hello hello? Ah jeez, were just hittin' it off.
The intruder managed to access several homes on the west side of the city before he turned his attentions elsewhere. Later that night, he was also spotted breaking into a sporting goods store close to the Auction House, where he stole an array of high-value fitness equipment. The Sledgehammer Hitter's whereabouts are currently unknown.
UPDATE: The Torn City Times has received a tipoff that the unknown assailant goes by the name of Serge Tiersen, a.k.a. Tiny Tears. We'll provide more information as the story develops.
Pictured: File Photo. Serge Tiersen.
UPDATE 2: Earlier this morning, Torn Officer Grif bravely attempted to take down the sledgehammer hitter, only to receive a vicious strike to the guts for his efforts. Witnesses to the brawl commented that the man appeared freakishly strong and made light work of our beloved Grif, although he was seen struggling with the weight of the sledgehammer in between blows.
UPDATE 3: Tiny has been taken down in a stunning display of vigilante justice. Citizens reported seeing the brute drop several cans after he was defeated. It was also noted that his fists appeared unusually heavy. We are unsure as to whether Mr Tiersen has a medical condition, or he's still feeling the effects of all those energy drinks.
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