sugarvalves [1963573] —
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Simp, CONFESS! Wife mugger, CONFESS! Shitpost enabler, CONFESS! Merit fraud, CONFESS! Fake hacker, CONFESS! Baby-abandoner, CONFESS!
Citizens, welcome, for I Pastor Williams hath returned to bestow wisdom upon your gaping souls. My confessional inbox has been a-frothing of late, with wave after wave of fresh sin lapping at my blessed feet.
The summer months are ripe with wrongdoing, as flesh is bared, booze imbibed, and poor judgment becomes commonplace. There is no better time to heed the words of the Lord, whichever Lord you choose to follow. Feast your eyes upon this month's sins, and learn the lessons these fools never did.
"Father I repent for I have committed the sin of lust ?. I have been simping for the past 4 weeks for a fake female user by sending her erotic DVDs on her daily request for a "Netflix and Chill" ?. Father forgive me, for I was lonely."
The Pastor's Response
"Sexually progressive cultures gave us literature, philosophy, civilization and the rest, while sexually restrictive cultures gave us the Dark Ages and the Holocaust.” - Alan Moore
The sin of Lust is no sin at all. It is also no sin to be fooled by a faux-female, as the Pastor himself has been lured by a trap on many an occasion - their skin is so soft and supple. No, your only sin here is stupidity and waste, for you hath spaffed hard-earned cash on a commodity, online filth, that is available elsewhere for free.
If one has become tired of the existing online offerings, having exhausted every category known to man, woman, and beast, then haveth you tried using thy imagination? Wouldst thou pay $4,000 for a sachet of special air when oxygen is freely available through the use of one? Wouldst thou? I imagine so. It is my ruling that you must count up the total value of the goods you have sent this wench and donate an identical amount to the church. If one wishes to simp, simp for the Lord - the original content creator.
Be tithely, my horndog child.
"I mug my wife almost daily without her knowing because all of my attacks are stealthy. She keeps a lot of money on her and she doesn't know why it is happening. I feel guilty about it but I'm not sure if I should tell her or not."
The Pastor's Response
"Marriage, to be happy, requires a constant exchange of confidence. A man ought never to quarrel with a woman; he should hear her unreason in silence." - Napoleon Bonaparte
There isn't a great deal that The Little Corporal and I agree upon, but on this matter, we are united. Not only are you inviting the wrath of your beloved upon you should she discover your crimes, you are also in danger of having to "hear about her day", which, given your activities, will more often than not be terrible.
I fear your confession of this sin to your wife may only make matters worse. Do not tell her. Instead, present her with gifts every day for the next thirty days. If she asks why she has been blessed with so many treasures, tell her you enjoyed intimate backdoor relations with the nanny. This is a far lesser crime than mugging one's spouse, in the eyes of the Lord.
Be generous, my light-fingered child.
"I like to R+ shitty threads on the forum (especially GD) so the OP feels encouraged to make more of them. I just love reading the replies. Some people are just frustrated with the OP, some people double down with even more stupid shit, then there are people with funny sarcastic jokes, and many other kinds of reply. I feel bad for people who just want to read GD without the shitty threads, but they're so entertaining for me."
The Pastor's Response
"Stupidity is also a gift of God, but one mustn't misuse it." - Pope John Paul II
Chrysippus, a Greek philosopher, famously died of laughter after getting his donkey drunk and watching it try to eat figs. There is not a person alive who does not enjoy mocking the stupid. Of course, it is always important to discern first whether someone is genuinely impaired beyond their means, or if they are merely foolish.
Ancient texts suggest that if one feels bad doing an impression of someone's voice, you are mocking the weak unfairly. If you do not feel guilty, your target is just an ignorant fool - or you are an awful person. To ensure you only mock those who are deserving, you must spend a week in their shoes. For seven days, you must s**tpost relentlessly. Only then shall you know what evil you encourage in others.
Be daft, my inciteful child.
"I bought a donator pack from a low-level player once and mugged him soon after. Once I saw that I wasn't anonymous when mugging the guy, I sent him the mugged money back and pretended it was for a merit."
The Pastor's Response
“All cruelty springs from weakness.” - Seneca
The Roman Stoic philosopher Seneca suggests that cruelty is borne of weakness, and he is correct. However, in Torn City, cruelty is a virtue, and your confession is a prime example of how it can be drawn from frailty. Your weakness was a failure to remain in stealth, and from this failure sprang a devious solution that served to save your reputation.
My suggestion is that you spend the next sixteen days allowing your weaknesses to flourish. In this time, you may learn all manner of deceitful tricks with which to outwit and hoodwink your opponents.
Be feeble, my dishonourable child.
"I sold fake company hacks to unhappy players who were seeking revenge against unpleasant directors. I made them believe I hacked the hated company and only got a few millions so they'd to pay for the job points I haven't spent. I made hundreds of millions this way. They felt relieved nonetheless as they told me."
The Pastor's Response
"Things gained through unjust fraud are never secure." - Sophocles
My dead Hellenic brother is most astute. Your gains are presently insecure, and to remedy this you must do one of two things. Your first port of call should be your victims' forum post history. If you discover these people are fools, miscreants, or buymuggers, your gains are secure, for your fraud was justified.
If, however, you find precious little muck to rake, I suggest you secure your cash somewhere safe, such as a faction vault, or the Church's bank account. Remember, the gates to paradise are often locked, and no cash is left in the Kingdom of Heaven overnight.
Be generous, my slippery child.
"I time my flights according to our newborns sleeping routine, 4 flights a day, earning max income."
The Pastor's Response
“One thing I had learned from watching chimpanzees with their infants is that having a child should be fun.” - Jane Goodall
I too have studied the ways of the ape in the search for great wisdom, for there is much our hirsute cousins can teach us about the world. For example, you will rarely see others arguing against me, Pastor Williams, in public. The main reason for this is I have developed a penchant for hurling huge clumps of my own feces towards those who would question my wisdom.
I digress. Ms Goodall is correct in that having a child should be fun, but she is also a damn fool, for the act of raising a small human is tiresome too. I am glad that you have found the time for play while your crotch fruit is a slumber, but given that your own sleep is likely at a premium right now, may I suggest you do as your progeny does, and insert your face into a pillow?
Get some damned sleep, my child-rearing child.
CONFESS YOUR SINS
The anonymous contributors to this month's confessional column have each received a Donator Pack for their efforts. If you would like to confess to Pastor Williams, you may do so by using the Tell Your Story link. If you wish to be published, please give your message the title of CONFESSION, and make sure your story is believable, riveting, and brief - the shorter the better, my waffling children.
The summer months are ripe with wrongdoing, as flesh is bared, booze imbibed, and poor judgment becomes commonplace. There is no better time to heed the words of the Lord, whichever Lord you choose to follow. Feast your eyes upon this month's sins, and learn the lessons these fools never did.
"Father I repent for I have committed the sin of lust ?. I have been simping for the past 4 weeks for a fake female user by sending her erotic DVDs on her daily request for a "Netflix and Chill" ?. Father forgive me, for I was lonely."
The Pastor's Response
"Sexually progressive cultures gave us literature, philosophy, civilization and the rest, while sexually restrictive cultures gave us the Dark Ages and the Holocaust.” - Alan Moore
The sin of Lust is no sin at all. It is also no sin to be fooled by a faux-female, as the Pastor himself has been lured by a trap on many an occasion - their skin is so soft and supple. No, your only sin here is stupidity and waste, for you hath spaffed hard-earned cash on a commodity, online filth, that is available elsewhere for free.
If one has become tired of the existing online offerings, having exhausted every category known to man, woman, and beast, then haveth you tried using thy imagination? Wouldst thou pay $4,000 for a sachet of special air when oxygen is freely available through the use of one? Wouldst thou? I imagine so. It is my ruling that you must count up the total value of the goods you have sent this wench and donate an identical amount to the church. If one wishes to simp, simp for the Lord - the original content creator.
Be tithely, my horndog child.
"I mug my wife almost daily without her knowing because all of my attacks are stealthy. She keeps a lot of money on her and she doesn't know why it is happening. I feel guilty about it but I'm not sure if I should tell her or not."
The Pastor's Response
"Marriage, to be happy, requires a constant exchange of confidence. A man ought never to quarrel with a woman; he should hear her unreason in silence." - Napoleon Bonaparte
There isn't a great deal that The Little Corporal and I agree upon, but on this matter, we are united. Not only are you inviting the wrath of your beloved upon you should she discover your crimes, you are also in danger of having to "hear about her day", which, given your activities, will more often than not be terrible.
I fear your confession of this sin to your wife may only make matters worse. Do not tell her. Instead, present her with gifts every day for the next thirty days. If she asks why she has been blessed with so many treasures, tell her you enjoyed intimate backdoor relations with the nanny. This is a far lesser crime than mugging one's spouse, in the eyes of the Lord.
Be generous, my light-fingered child.
"I like to R+ shitty threads on the forum (especially GD) so the OP feels encouraged to make more of them. I just love reading the replies. Some people are just frustrated with the OP, some people double down with even more stupid shit, then there are people with funny sarcastic jokes, and many other kinds of reply. I feel bad for people who just want to read GD without the shitty threads, but they're so entertaining for me."
The Pastor's Response
"Stupidity is also a gift of God, but one mustn't misuse it." - Pope John Paul II
Chrysippus, a Greek philosopher, famously died of laughter after getting his donkey drunk and watching it try to eat figs. There is not a person alive who does not enjoy mocking the stupid. Of course, it is always important to discern first whether someone is genuinely impaired beyond their means, or if they are merely foolish.
Ancient texts suggest that if one feels bad doing an impression of someone's voice, you are mocking the weak unfairly. If you do not feel guilty, your target is just an ignorant fool - or you are an awful person. To ensure you only mock those who are deserving, you must spend a week in their shoes. For seven days, you must s**tpost relentlessly. Only then shall you know what evil you encourage in others.
Be daft, my inciteful child.
"I bought a donator pack from a low-level player once and mugged him soon after. Once I saw that I wasn't anonymous when mugging the guy, I sent him the mugged money back and pretended it was for a merit."
The Pastor's Response
“All cruelty springs from weakness.” - Seneca
The Roman Stoic philosopher Seneca suggests that cruelty is borne of weakness, and he is correct. However, in Torn City, cruelty is a virtue, and your confession is a prime example of how it can be drawn from frailty. Your weakness was a failure to remain in stealth, and from this failure sprang a devious solution that served to save your reputation.
My suggestion is that you spend the next sixteen days allowing your weaknesses to flourish. In this time, you may learn all manner of deceitful tricks with which to outwit and hoodwink your opponents.
Be feeble, my dishonourable child.
"I sold fake company hacks to unhappy players who were seeking revenge against unpleasant directors. I made them believe I hacked the hated company and only got a few millions so they'd to pay for the job points I haven't spent. I made hundreds of millions this way. They felt relieved nonetheless as they told me."
The Pastor's Response
"Things gained through unjust fraud are never secure." - Sophocles
My dead Hellenic brother is most astute. Your gains are presently insecure, and to remedy this you must do one of two things. Your first port of call should be your victims' forum post history. If you discover these people are fools, miscreants, or buymuggers, your gains are secure, for your fraud was justified.
If, however, you find precious little muck to rake, I suggest you secure your cash somewhere safe, such as a faction vault, or the Church's bank account. Remember, the gates to paradise are often locked, and no cash is left in the Kingdom of Heaven overnight.
Be generous, my slippery child.
"I time my flights according to our newborns sleeping routine, 4 flights a day, earning max income."
The Pastor's Response
“One thing I had learned from watching chimpanzees with their infants is that having a child should be fun.” - Jane Goodall
I too have studied the ways of the ape in the search for great wisdom, for there is much our hirsute cousins can teach us about the world. For example, you will rarely see others arguing against me, Pastor Williams, in public. The main reason for this is I have developed a penchant for hurling huge clumps of my own feces towards those who would question my wisdom.
I digress. Ms Goodall is correct in that having a child should be fun, but she is also a damn fool, for the act of raising a small human is tiresome too. I am glad that you have found the time for play while your crotch fruit is a slumber, but given that your own sleep is likely at a premium right now, may I suggest you do as your progeny does, and insert your face into a pillow?
Get some damned sleep, my child-rearing child.
CONFESS YOUR SINS
The anonymous contributors to this month's confessional column have each received a Donator Pack for their efforts. If you would like to confess to Pastor Williams, you may do so by using the Tell Your Story link. If you wish to be published, please give your message the title of CONFESSION, and make sure your story is believable, riveting, and brief - the shorter the better, my waffling children.
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