sugarvalves [1963573] —
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Find out why staff are scared to use emojis, what they must do to prove they are human, and how they gain access to the fabled staff nudes folder in this special staff edition of Dear Aunty Torn.
Merry Christmas everyone! Aunty here with a special festive version of my long-running advice column. It's usually the players who get to ask me questions on all things Torn, but this time we're letting the staff send in their queries for me to answer. So without further ado, let's see what's troubling our behind-the-scenes team in this staff-only edition of Dear Aunty Torn!
Hi Aunty Torn,
A lot of people have been sending me mean mails after I've chat banned them and it's really starting to affect me. Whenever I tell them that they can appeal their ban they ignore me or even worse, make a new account mocking my name. Then I have to put them in federal jail for multi-accounting! It's a never-ending cycle and I just want to go back to banning people in peace. What can I do?
Sincerely,
Unsettled Staffer
Dear Unsettled Staffer,
People lash out when they are rejected, it's nothing personal. Aunty turns down suitors all the time, and some send me all manner of despicable threats and lewd drawings in response. To cope, Aunty takes solace in the fact that these people are awful human beings with awful lives whose mothers probably never breastfed them.
If reminding yourself of this doesn't help, then Aunty suggests one of two things. First, try reminding these idiots that continued harassment of staff isn't going to help their case. If that doesn't work, buy yourself a voodoo doll, put it in a grey hoodie and sweatpants so it resembles your average Torn user, and stab it in the groin when someone annoys you.
All the best,
Aunty
Dear Aunty Torn,
Hi...I'm Jairyll and I am an emoji-addict! :o I got told I'm using smileys way too much and that it makes me a smug or a d**k...but I'm not having a d**k, so... a smug it seems :( Tell me, what can I do against the addiction of overused, little, cuddly, smiling faces of positivity and support? As staff, it is important to me to speak the same language as the roughest citizens of Torn. Please help me :(
Thank you so much little Aunty :) :) :)
Jairyll
Dear Jairyll,
Little Aunty has a little filter on her little phone to prevent these annoying little faces getting through. If I want to know someone's emotions, Aunty is wise enough to discern them through reading their words. Adding smiley faces to a message make people angry because they can come across as condescending, passive-aggressive, or a little bit too silly if used in a serious context.
Then again, some people are just permanently miserable bastards who get annoyed by anything and everything. If dropping in a smiley face or a winky little fellow into your messages makes you happy, then keep doing it, and wallow in the hate.
Best,
Aunty
Dear Aunty,
I am absolutely losing my will to live here Aunty, every night I toss and turn at this horrible event which has occurred. The other day there was a "Who is the best staff?" forum in general discussion. I opened it, giddily awaiting to see my name in flashing lights, just to find the only mention of my name from a hater sarcastically mentioning me.
I have seen many disturbing things as staff, but this one will forever stay with me. How can I overcome being no one's favourite?
Skeletor
Dear Skeletor,
Being a member of staff isn't a race, it isn't about who is the best at their job, and it certainly isn't a popularity contest. Being staff is about power, power which you can wield over others to make yourself feel good, and sometimes to help your friends win prizes in community events. Remember this the next time one of the lowly forum dwellers makes you feel small, for you are mighty, and they are nothing.
Best,
Aunty
Hi Aunt Torn,
I've been a helper now for just over a year and in this time I've spoken to lots of lovely Torn players that have been playing for years and the brand new players only a few minutes old.
For those that don't know, every time a new player joins the game they are sent an automated message from the staff member that has most recently been active. Most of these replies ask for help, advice on what to do next in Torn, or a simple 'thanks' and I always reply to these with good quality informative responses. Which is fine. It's the responses that we get asking us if we are real people that make us laugh! Here are a few responses I've got over the years from brand new players.
I can confirm, we are not robots and we are indeed REAL PEOPLE! Aunt Torn, How can we prove we are not robots to these brand new players/community of Torn?
Love from Smokeybot123 *BEEP BOOP*
Dear Smokeybot123
The Terminator famously sliced his forearm open to prove that he was a robot, so perhaps that would help to prove you aren't one. If you're too squeamish to run a box cutter through your own flesh, maybe you could video yourself in a harbor pointing at boats - you know, like a real-life captcha. My final suggestion is to simply pass a Turing Test by having a conversation with a Torn player, but given Aunty's experiences with the community, some may say that forearm slicing is preferable.
If all else fails, Aunty thinks you should accept your fate and adopt the mannerisms and demeanor of a cold, soulless automaton. It works fine for Mark Zuckerberg.
Cold, emotionless regards,
Aunty Torn
Dear Aunty Torn,
I’m worried a fellow staff member is trying to be just like me. Now I won’t point fingers, or point any elbows, but I suppose you could think of her as a sea critter. She’s always copying me! She posts things in chat exactly as I do, she even handles the same Forum Reports JUST after I do. Maybe we are on the same wavelength (or share the same brain), but I feel like she’s trying to take over my life! What if one day I wake up and she’s now assumed my identity? Identity theft is no joke, Sea Critter! What should I do, Aunty Torn?
Kelsie, who is slowly fading into nothingness.
Dear Kelsie,
Aunty Torn had this problem once. There was a woman called Darla who used to sit next to me during bingo. She'd often ask me where I got my perfume, my dress, or my husband, and then turn up wearing them the next weekend.
This frustrated me no end, so I started to do things that were purposely out of character or downright disgusting, knowing full well she'd copy me. Long story short, Darla is now in a mental institution after she was caught smearing herself in fox excrement outside an elementary school... in a pair of crocs.
Yours helpfully,
Aunty
Dear Aunty Torn,
There is a staff member (let's call her Chelsea) who is my very good friend, and she struggles with endlessly falling for 'deez nutz' jokes. I care for her well-being, and as part of the SkeleKelsWard power trio, I feel it's important that we help her with the tools to avoid this dastardly pitfall in the future. What do you recommend, Aunty? A framed gift certificate to Wendy's? A recording on CDs? A can of Chef Boyardee?
Wayward Squid
Dear Wayward Squid,
I fear your friend is too busy trying to figure out why you are copying her to notice these jokes. But won't worry, as if she follows my advice, you'll soon be locked up in a padded cell with people pointing at you saying "sheez nutz".
If this still happens when you are released, then Aunty suggests that you preface each attempt at the joke by asking "Chelsea" if she is in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt her. If she replies positively, feel free to inform her that said information is, in actual fact, Deez Nutz.
Best of luck,
Aunty Torn
Dear Aunty Torn,
I have been a member of staff for years now, but I still haven't been granted access to the fabled staff nudes folder. I don't want to outright ask to be added in case everyone thinks I'm a pervert, but I'm morbidly curious.
Yours,
Needs to be bonked
Dear Needs to be bonked,
Aunty isn't sure which folder you are referring to. There are, or should I say were two folders known as staff nudes. The first was a simple Dropbox link where staff could share the funniest player nudes they'd confiscated that week. Aunty used to peruse this folder a lot, and I was amused but not surprised to discover that the thickest part of Evil-Duck is his wrists.
The second staff nudes folder contained nothing but the staff's erotic portraits of each other, and I have a link if you'd like to gain access. My favorite is Grif's "Community Manager descending a staircase, oil on canvas" as it captures bogie's elongated gait with masterful precision. A close second is Stretch's interpretation of Botticelli's The Birth of Venus which contains an intimate portrayal of Hank in the titular role.
Hope that helps,
Aunty
That's all for this month my lovelies. The Aunty Torn column will return early in the New Year, so if you have any questions about Torn City that you'd like me to answer, please send them in via the Torn City Times' Tell Your Story feature that is linked in the top right corner of the Newspaper page. If I choose to answer your question, you will receive a Donator Pack!
Aunty Torn wishes you all a safe and Merry Christmas and a happy new year.
Hi Aunty Torn,
A lot of people have been sending me mean mails after I've chat banned them and it's really starting to affect me. Whenever I tell them that they can appeal their ban they ignore me or even worse, make a new account mocking my name. Then I have to put them in federal jail for multi-accounting! It's a never-ending cycle and I just want to go back to banning people in peace. What can I do?
Sincerely,
Unsettled Staffer
Dear Unsettled Staffer,
People lash out when they are rejected, it's nothing personal. Aunty turns down suitors all the time, and some send me all manner of despicable threats and lewd drawings in response. To cope, Aunty takes solace in the fact that these people are awful human beings with awful lives whose mothers probably never breastfed them.
If reminding yourself of this doesn't help, then Aunty suggests one of two things. First, try reminding these idiots that continued harassment of staff isn't going to help their case. If that doesn't work, buy yourself a voodoo doll, put it in a grey hoodie and sweatpants so it resembles your average Torn user, and stab it in the groin when someone annoys you.
All the best,
Aunty
Dear Aunty Torn,
Hi...I'm Jairyll and I am an emoji-addict! :o I got told I'm using smileys way too much and that it makes me a smug or a d**k...but I'm not having a d**k, so... a smug it seems :( Tell me, what can I do against the addiction of overused, little, cuddly, smiling faces of positivity and support? As staff, it is important to me to speak the same language as the roughest citizens of Torn. Please help me :(
Thank you so much little Aunty :) :) :)
Jairyll
Dear Jairyll,
Little Aunty has a little filter on her little phone to prevent these annoying little faces getting through. If I want to know someone's emotions, Aunty is wise enough to discern them through reading their words. Adding smiley faces to a message make people angry because they can come across as condescending, passive-aggressive, or a little bit too silly if used in a serious context.
Then again, some people are just permanently miserable bastards who get annoyed by anything and everything. If dropping in a smiley face or a winky little fellow into your messages makes you happy, then keep doing it, and wallow in the hate.
Best,
Aunty
Dear Aunty,
I am absolutely losing my will to live here Aunty, every night I toss and turn at this horrible event which has occurred. The other day there was a "Who is the best staff?" forum in general discussion. I opened it, giddily awaiting to see my name in flashing lights, just to find the only mention of my name from a hater sarcastically mentioning me.
I have seen many disturbing things as staff, but this one will forever stay with me. How can I overcome being no one's favourite?
Skeletor
Dear Skeletor,
Being a member of staff isn't a race, it isn't about who is the best at their job, and it certainly isn't a popularity contest. Being staff is about power, power which you can wield over others to make yourself feel good, and sometimes to help your friends win prizes in community events. Remember this the next time one of the lowly forum dwellers makes you feel small, for you are mighty, and they are nothing.
Best,
Aunty
Hi Aunt Torn,
I've been a helper now for just over a year and in this time I've spoken to lots of lovely Torn players that have been playing for years and the brand new players only a few minutes old.
For those that don't know, every time a new player joins the game they are sent an automated message from the staff member that has most recently been active. Most of these replies ask for help, advice on what to do next in Torn, or a simple 'thanks' and I always reply to these with good quality informative responses. Which is fine. It's the responses that we get asking us if we are real people that make us laugh! Here are a few responses I've got over the years from brand new players.
I can confirm, we are not robots and we are indeed REAL PEOPLE! Aunt Torn, How can we prove we are not robots to these brand new players/community of Torn?
Love from Smokeybot123 *BEEP BOOP*
Dear Smokeybot123
The Terminator famously sliced his forearm open to prove that he was a robot, so perhaps that would help to prove you aren't one. If you're too squeamish to run a box cutter through your own flesh, maybe you could video yourself in a harbor pointing at boats - you know, like a real-life captcha. My final suggestion is to simply pass a Turing Test by having a conversation with a Torn player, but given Aunty's experiences with the community, some may say that forearm slicing is preferable.
If all else fails, Aunty thinks you should accept your fate and adopt the mannerisms and demeanor of a cold, soulless automaton. It works fine for Mark Zuckerberg.
Cold, emotionless regards,
Aunty Torn
Dear Aunty Torn,
I’m worried a fellow staff member is trying to be just like me. Now I won’t point fingers, or point any elbows, but I suppose you could think of her as a sea critter. She’s always copying me! She posts things in chat exactly as I do, she even handles the same Forum Reports JUST after I do. Maybe we are on the same wavelength (or share the same brain), but I feel like she’s trying to take over my life! What if one day I wake up and she’s now assumed my identity? Identity theft is no joke, Sea Critter! What should I do, Aunty Torn?
Kelsie, who is slowly fading into nothingness.
Dear Kelsie,
Aunty Torn had this problem once. There was a woman called Darla who used to sit next to me during bingo. She'd often ask me where I got my perfume, my dress, or my husband, and then turn up wearing them the next weekend.
This frustrated me no end, so I started to do things that were purposely out of character or downright disgusting, knowing full well she'd copy me. Long story short, Darla is now in a mental institution after she was caught smearing herself in fox excrement outside an elementary school... in a pair of crocs.
Yours helpfully,
Aunty
Dear Aunty Torn,
There is a staff member (let's call her Chelsea) who is my very good friend, and she struggles with endlessly falling for 'deez nutz' jokes. I care for her well-being, and as part of the SkeleKelsWard power trio, I feel it's important that we help her with the tools to avoid this dastardly pitfall in the future. What do you recommend, Aunty? A framed gift certificate to Wendy's? A recording on CDs? A can of Chef Boyardee?
Wayward Squid
Dear Wayward Squid,
I fear your friend is too busy trying to figure out why you are copying her to notice these jokes. But won't worry, as if she follows my advice, you'll soon be locked up in a padded cell with people pointing at you saying "sheez nutz".
If this still happens when you are released, then Aunty suggests that you preface each attempt at the joke by asking "Chelsea" if she is in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt her. If she replies positively, feel free to inform her that said information is, in actual fact, Deez Nutz.
Best of luck,
Aunty Torn
Dear Aunty Torn,
I have been a member of staff for years now, but I still haven't been granted access to the fabled staff nudes folder. I don't want to outright ask to be added in case everyone thinks I'm a pervert, but I'm morbidly curious.
Yours,
Needs to be bonked
Dear Needs to be bonked,
Aunty isn't sure which folder you are referring to. There are, or should I say were two folders known as staff nudes. The first was a simple Dropbox link where staff could share the funniest player nudes they'd confiscated that week. Aunty used to peruse this folder a lot, and I was amused but not surprised to discover that the thickest part of Evil-Duck is his wrists.
The second staff nudes folder contained nothing but the staff's erotic portraits of each other, and I have a link if you'd like to gain access. My favorite is Grif's "Community Manager descending a staircase, oil on canvas" as it captures bogie's elongated gait with masterful precision. A close second is Stretch's interpretation of Botticelli's The Birth of Venus which contains an intimate portrayal of Hank in the titular role.
Hope that helps,
Aunty
That's all for this month my lovelies. The Aunty Torn column will return early in the New Year, so if you have any questions about Torn City that you'd like me to answer, please send them in via the Torn City Times' Tell Your Story feature that is linked in the top right corner of the Newspaper page. If I choose to answer your question, you will receive a Donator Pack!
Aunty Torn wishes you all a safe and Merry Christmas and a happy new year.
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