sugarvalves [1963573] —
Original article
Read Aunty Torn's latest column as she dispenses advice on how to find a mark, what to do after a period of inactivity, and why you should always consider marrying your own son.
It's a brand new year and Aunty Torn is raring to go! But some of you are entering 2022 with a few doubts to dwell on and decisions to make. Don't fret, Aunty's got you covered! In this month's column, Aunty helps out a fella with friends in another faction, an NPC loot loser, an inadequate inactive, a sophomoric scammer, and a struggling singleton.
Dear Aunty Torn,
Recently I have gotten in touch with some mates I played with on another game, they asked if I would like to join the faction they are in and I said I would consider. I feel that choosing between them or my current faction would go bad either way, as I have been a long-term member of my current faction and would feel like a betrayer. But I also have old ties to those two mates as well and feel that saying no would make me feel like I missed a chance to enjoy another journey with them. What should I do?
Sincerely,
A lad in need of advice
Dear A lad,
I can see why this is a difficult choice for you. Aunty has had to choose all kinds of things in her life - purple rinse or blue, hip replacement or walker, the slow, inevitable decline of aging or a trip to Switzerland. What Aunty’s trying to say is you have to do what makes you happy, not other people. If you think you’ll be happy with your friends, go be with them! Aunty's friends are all dead, but so are her enemies, so she's in no rush to join them just yet. But if your faction and friends care about you, they’ll understand your choice. And if they don’t, well you made the right decision, whatever that will be.
Aunty
Aunty,
I have been participating in many of the NPC loot parties but was wondering if entering the fight couple of times increases the loot chance or does it matter the number of hits put into the fight?
Genblood
Hi Genblood,
You know, it’s a shame how you people beat up on my friend Duke all the time. At our last poker game with him, Leslie, and Scrooge, Shirley was complaining and complaining. He said something about “fixin’ dem noobs what don’t make no bruises on ol’ Dukey”, and that he's “real generous to those mooks what hurt him most.” Duke's a bit of a masochist, it seems, and the only thing that matters is how much damage you do to him before he passes out. Really despicable, you should all be ashamed of yourself! Including Duke.
Aunty
Dear Aunty,
I've come back to Torn after being an inactive account for 10+ years, and while everything is mostly the same I've found myself as a low level surrounded by experts. I'm way out of my league! How can I show my faction peers that I'm capable and not a lost puppy?
Glad to be back,
Pratty Smats
Dear Pratty,
Welcome back to Torn, sweetie. Aunty had a similar problem once when my old tumble dryer stopped working. I kept getting offers to fix it in return for a "mutually beneficial arrangement", but such a prospect left Aunty drier than an old towel left for four hours on the high heat setting. In the end I looked up a tutorial online and fixed it myself, and you should do the same!
Read some guides, bone up on a few tutorials, and demonstrate to your faction that you're determined, passionate, and ready to learn new things. Aunty's a long-time retired, but some of my old coworkers used to say, "It ain't the size of the boat, but the motion of the ocean." So get moving, little dinghy, and let everyone know you can be large and in charge like a barge.
Wishing you the best,
Aunty Torn
Dear Aunty,
I've been trying to get a private island for ages and you seem to know how to "scam" a private island from someone. Can you teach me how?
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Aunty hasn't scammed a soul so long as she's lived, and I've been living a long time! I've hustled, swindled, distracted, conned, tricked, diddled, and flimflammed, but never scammed! That being said, I've noticed that those who fall for Aunty's ruses are often naive, trusting, and impatient - the best are all three.
To find someone naive, just browse the forums looking for anyone asking if Leslie's wheels are rigged. To find a trustworthy person, search for people who are constantly offering to help others, as these do-gooder suckers are a prime target for hardasses like yourself. And finally, the impatient are often found moaning in threads like these, or offering goods for a quick liquidation sale down at trade chat. Find one of these people and you'll do well. Find all three, and Aunty might just shake you down herself.
Good luck scummer,
Aunty Torn
Hi Aunty Torn!
Long-time reader, first-time writer. My spouse left the game over three months ago, but I haven't had the heart to move on and find a new partner. What should I look for in a new spouse? What's the best way to find a long-time, dedicated, active partner?
col1994
Hi col1994,
I’m sorry to hear your spouse went away. Aunty’s been a widow for 20 years now and sometimes I still imagine his activity light is bright green. It can be hard to move on after a relationship ends, but you mustn’t wallow in the past. Find someone new to mooch off of, as that’s what your spouse would want.
A good spouse is someone who minds their business, doesn’t poke around in the vault, won't cause drama, and splits rent and upkeep fairly. Some great places to find a spouse might be in trade chat, the newspaper personals (just be wary of the sluts), your faction, and even the properties forum. And if all else fails, just get married and have a child in real life, wait 13 years, then introduce them to Torn! Aunty is always amused when she reads about fathers who feel uneasy having just married their real-life sons. Pastor Williams is a liberal fella, but sometimes I wonder if he goes too far.
All my best,
Aunty Torn
That's Aunty's column done for another month! If you have a question for me about anything Torn related, then drop me a message using the Tell Your Story link found at the top of the Newspaper page. Make sure your query is short, interesting, and titled with Dear Aunty Torn so it grabs my attention. And if your question is published in my next column, you'll receive a Donator Pack! See you next time, dearies!
Dear Aunty Torn,
Recently I have gotten in touch with some mates I played with on another game, they asked if I would like to join the faction they are in and I said I would consider. I feel that choosing between them or my current faction would go bad either way, as I have been a long-term member of my current faction and would feel like a betrayer. But I also have old ties to those two mates as well and feel that saying no would make me feel like I missed a chance to enjoy another journey with them. What should I do?
Sincerely,
A lad in need of advice
Dear A lad,
I can see why this is a difficult choice for you. Aunty has had to choose all kinds of things in her life - purple rinse or blue, hip replacement or walker, the slow, inevitable decline of aging or a trip to Switzerland. What Aunty’s trying to say is you have to do what makes you happy, not other people. If you think you’ll be happy with your friends, go be with them! Aunty's friends are all dead, but so are her enemies, so she's in no rush to join them just yet. But if your faction and friends care about you, they’ll understand your choice. And if they don’t, well you made the right decision, whatever that will be.
Aunty
Aunty,
I have been participating in many of the NPC loot parties but was wondering if entering the fight couple of times increases the loot chance or does it matter the number of hits put into the fight?
Genblood
Hi Genblood,
You know, it’s a shame how you people beat up on my friend Duke all the time. At our last poker game with him, Leslie, and Scrooge, Shirley was complaining and complaining. He said something about “fixin’ dem noobs what don’t make no bruises on ol’ Dukey”, and that he's “real generous to those mooks what hurt him most.” Duke's a bit of a masochist, it seems, and the only thing that matters is how much damage you do to him before he passes out. Really despicable, you should all be ashamed of yourself! Including Duke.
Aunty
Dear Aunty,
I've come back to Torn after being an inactive account for 10+ years, and while everything is mostly the same I've found myself as a low level surrounded by experts. I'm way out of my league! How can I show my faction peers that I'm capable and not a lost puppy?
Glad to be back,
Pratty Smats
Dear Pratty,
Welcome back to Torn, sweetie. Aunty had a similar problem once when my old tumble dryer stopped working. I kept getting offers to fix it in return for a "mutually beneficial arrangement", but such a prospect left Aunty drier than an old towel left for four hours on the high heat setting. In the end I looked up a tutorial online and fixed it myself, and you should do the same!
Read some guides, bone up on a few tutorials, and demonstrate to your faction that you're determined, passionate, and ready to learn new things. Aunty's a long-time retired, but some of my old coworkers used to say, "It ain't the size of the boat, but the motion of the ocean." So get moving, little dinghy, and let everyone know you can be large and in charge like a barge.
Wishing you the best,
Aunty Torn
Dear Aunty,
I've been trying to get a private island for ages and you seem to know how to "scam" a private island from someone. Can you teach me how?
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Aunty hasn't scammed a soul so long as she's lived, and I've been living a long time! I've hustled, swindled, distracted, conned, tricked, diddled, and flimflammed, but never scammed! That being said, I've noticed that those who fall for Aunty's ruses are often naive, trusting, and impatient - the best are all three.
To find someone naive, just browse the forums looking for anyone asking if Leslie's wheels are rigged. To find a trustworthy person, search for people who are constantly offering to help others, as these do-gooder suckers are a prime target for hardasses like yourself. And finally, the impatient are often found moaning in threads like these, or offering goods for a quick liquidation sale down at trade chat. Find one of these people and you'll do well. Find all three, and Aunty might just shake you down herself.
Good luck scummer,
Aunty Torn
Hi Aunty Torn!
Long-time reader, first-time writer. My spouse left the game over three months ago, but I haven't had the heart to move on and find a new partner. What should I look for in a new spouse? What's the best way to find a long-time, dedicated, active partner?
col1994
Hi col1994,
I’m sorry to hear your spouse went away. Aunty’s been a widow for 20 years now and sometimes I still imagine his activity light is bright green. It can be hard to move on after a relationship ends, but you mustn’t wallow in the past. Find someone new to mooch off of, as that’s what your spouse would want.
A good spouse is someone who minds their business, doesn’t poke around in the vault, won't cause drama, and splits rent and upkeep fairly. Some great places to find a spouse might be in trade chat, the newspaper personals (just be wary of the sluts), your faction, and even the properties forum. And if all else fails, just get married and have a child in real life, wait 13 years, then introduce them to Torn! Aunty is always amused when she reads about fathers who feel uneasy having just married their real-life sons. Pastor Williams is a liberal fella, but sometimes I wonder if he goes too far.
All my best,
Aunty Torn
That's Aunty's column done for another month! If you have a question for me about anything Torn related, then drop me a message using the Tell Your Story link found at the top of the Newspaper page. Make sure your query is short, interesting, and titled with Dear Aunty Torn so it grabs my attention. And if your question is published in my next column, you'll receive a Donator Pack! See you next time, dearies!
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