sugarvalves [1963573] —
Original article
Read Aunty Torn's advice on how to deal with a bad boss, why revenge is a dish best served smartly, and what you can do when you're feeling left out of your faction's social circle.
Hello dearies. Aunty's been busy getting ready for St Patrick's Day by stocking up on five nerve booze - I am partial to a tipple of Green Stout - but I've still had time to go through your letters and dwell on your concerns. This month, we have a non-native speaker who's feeling left out, an employee with a b**tard boss, and a vengeful faction member among others! So let's find out why they're all finding life so difficult, and how Aunty suggests we can make things better.
Dear Aunty Torn,
I'm new to the game and I'm in a faction that wars a lot. I'm trying to progress the fastest I can, but I still feel completely worthless during the wars since I'm not strong enough or experienced enough to attack people. Is there anything I can do, now, to help my faction win the wars?
Thanks,
Anon Newbie
Hello Newbie,
If you’re a bit green around the gills, it’s easy to feel like a fish out of water. There are a lot of sharks in Torn and it may be hard getting your sea legs at first, but Aunty Torn encourages you to just dive in! Ask your leaders questions about what they most need from you, and read all the resources your faction gives you - sometimes a school of guppies can overtake even the biggest whale.
The best thing you can do is avoid being an easy target, so learn how to make yourself appear bigger like a Pufferfish, blend in like a Stonefish, and exit quickly like a Marlin. Sorry, can you tell Aunty's been to Seaworld recently? Just pay attention to your leaders' instructions and I'm sure it will all go swimmingly.
Best of luck,
Aunty Torn
Dear Aunty,
I'm relatively new in my current faction and I have a great time here, but I can see that there's already a solid group of core members bantering in faction chat, so I feel hesitant to chime in.
The reason is partly because English is not my native language, so I'm afraid that things I say would be misinterpreted the wrong way. The other reason is that I might "ruin the vibe" by abruptly joining the conversation, so most of the time I'll just lurk in the shadow and participate only when I need to.
What do you think I should do, Aunty?
With gratitude,
An anxious new member
Hola Anxious Member,
Torn is such a diverse place that there might be people in your faction who speak your language, but you'll never know if you don't talk to them! And even if there aren't, your message to Aunty suggests that you have a good grasp of English already, so you might be over-worrying. Have you seen the state of Global? There are native speakers in there who struggle with two-syllable words. You're a regular William Wordsworth compared to them!
My advice would be to take the plunge and just throw yourself into it because the alternative is remaining silent and lonely. A great way to join a conversation is to be yourself and ask questions, and usually, people will bring you into the conversation. If you ever feel like you’re being misinterpreted, just say English isn’t your first language and they will understand. People are more forgiving than you think. And when in doubt, talk about food - that always starts a conversation!
Adieu mon amie,
Aunty Torn
Dearest Auntie,
I joined a new company just three weeks ago. It was a brand new company and the boss seemed lovely. Complimentary, helpful, praised my good work. But now, he's gone a little bit mental. I had a real-life emergency, so I couldn't log into Torn for roughly 12 hours. He threatened to fire me for inactivity. I explained the situation and he was very dismissive.
Two days later, he was on my ass for my addiction levels... I only take 3 Xan the day before a chain (only twice a month), but he once again threatened to fire me. Should I jump ship? Should I take the whole company down? Should I just be a good little boy and sit down and do what I'm told?
Angry Employee
Hey Angry Employee,
Let me tell you something honey. If Aunty let a man dictate how many drugs she could take, I wouldn’t be writing these columns, and I wouldn't be on my third liver. You don’t have to put up with that from any director if you don’t want to. Some directors can be really strict, and others are cool - if the company is brand new, I bet you they need you more than you need them.
If your company boss or faction leader thinks they are more important than your real-life issues then get out of there before they drag you down, and find a company that will appreciate you and work with your Torn goals. Earnings are temporary, but your time isn't, so don't waste it by helping a jackass to pay for his second private island. #auntywork
Best of luck,
Aunty Torn
Dear Aunty Torn,
In the normal course of warring and diplomacy, my faction got completely de-sectored and we had to find ourselves a new spot on the map. Annoying, sure, and we lost a few rackets, but we recovered. That said, I felt vindictive and since then every chain we do I run up and down the rosters of the factions that hit us and hit every single player I can - even the brand new 30-day accounts.
I feel justified, but should I stop hitting these smaller one-shot players who weren't even in the faction when they attacked us? Or should I continue my chaining on everyone they have, even the younglings, without remorse?
- The Friendly Warmonger
Hello Friendly Warmonger,
Torn is a city that holds grudges with the force of a teenager trying to pop a pimple. If you want to be a petty betty, do it, so long as you’re not causing blowback on your faction as a result. But it'd be wise to consider what kind of reputation you want to gain in Torn, and the possibility of bounties and the like from your targets. Aunty says get yerself a good balaclava to hide your identity when you’re forking these weaklings in the bum. Inflict violence smartly.
Happy warmongering,
Aunty Torn
Dear Aunty Torn,
Whenever I receive a large sum of money as a gift, I always spend it on clothing. No matter how much it is, 100m or 500m, it all ends up in clothing. The problem is, the value of the clothing is "N/A", a lot of the time, so it lessens my networth by a lot. And then no one wants to buy it. So I can't get rid of it. What should I do?
Yours,
Stupid Shopper
Hey Stupid,
Are you buying these clothes to resell or just to look cute? Aunty loves a good pair of track pants - The Duke and I sometimes swap outfits for kicks - but I buy them purely to look good. Shirley tells me he likes the way they sink into my hamflower. I don't know what that means, and frankly, I don't want to know.
If you’re buying clothes to resell, then you're what the Duke would call a "dumass mook." You can check the auction house to see which items are in demand or look in trade chat every so often to see what people are buying. You can also look at the value of each clothing cache to get a vague idea of the value of its individual contents.
But like I said, buying clothes for resale is a mug's game. Nowadays the big fashion is these fancy gold war weapons and cache armors, so perhaps consider getting out of the fashion industry and into arms dealing. Heck, it worked for Lockheed Martin. Did you know that before they became an arms manufacturer they used to manufacture industrial strength pantyhose for women with a "challenging physique?" Don't quote me on that, I might have made it up.
Shop until you drop,
Aunty Torn
Dear Aunty Torn,
I'm currently ranked 8th in Torn for revives but am only averaging around 40 revives a day. Do you have any advice on how I can boost these numbers and hopefully reach the top rank?
Thank you in advance,
Beardraven.
P.S - If you ever need a revive, I'll hook you up.
Hi Beardraven,
Thank you for the kind offer. Torn is lucky to have such dedicated nurses traversing its drug-addled streets, reviving its hopped-up attackers and muggers. I can see you're already in a revive faction, but unless a big contract is on its way, you may wish to offer your services to other revive factions or regular factions involved in frequent wars. Make sure you're a frequent visitor to trade chat too.
But if you really want to get your numbers up, you'll have to use every energy tool at your disposal - act like a reviver, think like an attacker. This means maxing booster space, identifying the right targets, and using points refills efficiently. Also, attackers don't ask permission before attacking, so why should revivers? Perhaps you need to start aggressively dragging people out of the hospital kicking and screaming - just don't expect any payment afterward. Do all this, and before you know it, you'll be rising through the ranks.
Good luck Beard Raven,
Aunty Torn
P.S. - Aunty is always open to mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
Thank you to everyone who wrote to Aunty Torn this month. If you'd like to ask me a question, send in your queries to the newspaper's Tell Your Story section with the title AUNTY TORN. If your question is published in my next column, you'll win a Donator Pack! And if you want to remain anonymous, make sure you tell me, otherwise I'll just have to guess.
Dear Aunty Torn,
I'm new to the game and I'm in a faction that wars a lot. I'm trying to progress the fastest I can, but I still feel completely worthless during the wars since I'm not strong enough or experienced enough to attack people. Is there anything I can do, now, to help my faction win the wars?
Thanks,
Anon Newbie
Hello Newbie,
If you’re a bit green around the gills, it’s easy to feel like a fish out of water. There are a lot of sharks in Torn and it may be hard getting your sea legs at first, but Aunty Torn encourages you to just dive in! Ask your leaders questions about what they most need from you, and read all the resources your faction gives you - sometimes a school of guppies can overtake even the biggest whale.
The best thing you can do is avoid being an easy target, so learn how to make yourself appear bigger like a Pufferfish, blend in like a Stonefish, and exit quickly like a Marlin. Sorry, can you tell Aunty's been to Seaworld recently? Just pay attention to your leaders' instructions and I'm sure it will all go swimmingly.
Best of luck,
Aunty Torn
Dear Aunty,
I'm relatively new in my current faction and I have a great time here, but I can see that there's already a solid group of core members bantering in faction chat, so I feel hesitant to chime in.
The reason is partly because English is not my native language, so I'm afraid that things I say would be misinterpreted the wrong way. The other reason is that I might "ruin the vibe" by abruptly joining the conversation, so most of the time I'll just lurk in the shadow and participate only when I need to.
What do you think I should do, Aunty?
With gratitude,
An anxious new member
Hola Anxious Member,
Torn is such a diverse place that there might be people in your faction who speak your language, but you'll never know if you don't talk to them! And even if there aren't, your message to Aunty suggests that you have a good grasp of English already, so you might be over-worrying. Have you seen the state of Global? There are native speakers in there who struggle with two-syllable words. You're a regular William Wordsworth compared to them!
My advice would be to take the plunge and just throw yourself into it because the alternative is remaining silent and lonely. A great way to join a conversation is to be yourself and ask questions, and usually, people will bring you into the conversation. If you ever feel like you’re being misinterpreted, just say English isn’t your first language and they will understand. People are more forgiving than you think. And when in doubt, talk about food - that always starts a conversation!
Adieu mon amie,
Aunty Torn
Dearest Auntie,
I joined a new company just three weeks ago. It was a brand new company and the boss seemed lovely. Complimentary, helpful, praised my good work. But now, he's gone a little bit mental. I had a real-life emergency, so I couldn't log into Torn for roughly 12 hours. He threatened to fire me for inactivity. I explained the situation and he was very dismissive.
Two days later, he was on my ass for my addiction levels... I only take 3 Xan the day before a chain (only twice a month), but he once again threatened to fire me. Should I jump ship? Should I take the whole company down? Should I just be a good little boy and sit down and do what I'm told?
Angry Employee
Hey Angry Employee,
Let me tell you something honey. If Aunty let a man dictate how many drugs she could take, I wouldn’t be writing these columns, and I wouldn't be on my third liver. You don’t have to put up with that from any director if you don’t want to. Some directors can be really strict, and others are cool - if the company is brand new, I bet you they need you more than you need them.
If your company boss or faction leader thinks they are more important than your real-life issues then get out of there before they drag you down, and find a company that will appreciate you and work with your Torn goals. Earnings are temporary, but your time isn't, so don't waste it by helping a jackass to pay for his second private island. #auntywork
Best of luck,
Aunty Torn
Dear Aunty Torn,
In the normal course of warring and diplomacy, my faction got completely de-sectored and we had to find ourselves a new spot on the map. Annoying, sure, and we lost a few rackets, but we recovered. That said, I felt vindictive and since then every chain we do I run up and down the rosters of the factions that hit us and hit every single player I can - even the brand new 30-day accounts.
I feel justified, but should I stop hitting these smaller one-shot players who weren't even in the faction when they attacked us? Or should I continue my chaining on everyone they have, even the younglings, without remorse?
- The Friendly Warmonger
Hello Friendly Warmonger,
Torn is a city that holds grudges with the force of a teenager trying to pop a pimple. If you want to be a petty betty, do it, so long as you’re not causing blowback on your faction as a result. But it'd be wise to consider what kind of reputation you want to gain in Torn, and the possibility of bounties and the like from your targets. Aunty says get yerself a good balaclava to hide your identity when you’re forking these weaklings in the bum. Inflict violence smartly.
Happy warmongering,
Aunty Torn
Dear Aunty Torn,
Whenever I receive a large sum of money as a gift, I always spend it on clothing. No matter how much it is, 100m or 500m, it all ends up in clothing. The problem is, the value of the clothing is "N/A", a lot of the time, so it lessens my networth by a lot. And then no one wants to buy it. So I can't get rid of it. What should I do?
Yours,
Stupid Shopper
Hey Stupid,
Are you buying these clothes to resell or just to look cute? Aunty loves a good pair of track pants - The Duke and I sometimes swap outfits for kicks - but I buy them purely to look good. Shirley tells me he likes the way they sink into my hamflower. I don't know what that means, and frankly, I don't want to know.
If you’re buying clothes to resell, then you're what the Duke would call a "dumass mook." You can check the auction house to see which items are in demand or look in trade chat every so often to see what people are buying. You can also look at the value of each clothing cache to get a vague idea of the value of its individual contents.
But like I said, buying clothes for resale is a mug's game. Nowadays the big fashion is these fancy gold war weapons and cache armors, so perhaps consider getting out of the fashion industry and into arms dealing. Heck, it worked for Lockheed Martin. Did you know that before they became an arms manufacturer they used to manufacture industrial strength pantyhose for women with a "challenging physique?" Don't quote me on that, I might have made it up.
Shop until you drop,
Aunty Torn
Dear Aunty Torn,
I'm currently ranked 8th in Torn for revives but am only averaging around 40 revives a day. Do you have any advice on how I can boost these numbers and hopefully reach the top rank?
Thank you in advance,
Beardraven.
P.S - If you ever need a revive, I'll hook you up.
Hi Beardraven,
Thank you for the kind offer. Torn is lucky to have such dedicated nurses traversing its drug-addled streets, reviving its hopped-up attackers and muggers. I can see you're already in a revive faction, but unless a big contract is on its way, you may wish to offer your services to other revive factions or regular factions involved in frequent wars. Make sure you're a frequent visitor to trade chat too.
But if you really want to get your numbers up, you'll have to use every energy tool at your disposal - act like a reviver, think like an attacker. This means maxing booster space, identifying the right targets, and using points refills efficiently. Also, attackers don't ask permission before attacking, so why should revivers? Perhaps you need to start aggressively dragging people out of the hospital kicking and screaming - just don't expect any payment afterward. Do all this, and before you know it, you'll be rising through the ranks.
Good luck Beard Raven,
Aunty Torn
P.S. - Aunty is always open to mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
Thank you to everyone who wrote to Aunty Torn this month. If you'd like to ask me a question, send in your queries to the newspaper's Tell Your Story section with the title AUNTY TORN. If your question is published in my next column, you'll win a Donator Pack! And if you want to remain anonymous, make sure you tell me, otherwise I'll just have to guess.
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